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Introduction Text The following quote is by Marianne Williamson, author of Return to Love and other wonderfully inspiring books. I read this quote often to remind myself of how amazing I really am. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Hi, I am 42years old and have been morbidly obese since high school and overweight since I was 10. I have tried everything in the past. Starting in jr. high school my parents made it their mission to make me lose weight. Oh they thought they were being supportive and had my best interests at heart but I think the message I got was that I was broke and needed to be fixed. I turned to food to avoid my feelings and also to sheild myself from men (although I didn't know it at the time). I learned to say horrible things to myself which just made me eat more. The last few years have been really eye opening to me. I had given up even trying to lose weight until about 3 years ago. I began feeling the aches and pains associated with being morbidly obese for so many years. I was also finding it more difficult to enjoy life like I wanted to. So I began to work out and I found Sparkpeople. I was enthralled with all the tools here that helped me on my journey. I did great for about 6 months and then I hit a speedbump. I was having a lot of pain in my knee so I went to the drs. Come to find out, my knee was completely beyond repair. I was told I couldn't do the same kind of exercising that I was doing and that I should have gastric bypass to lose weight and then have a knee replacement. Well I was blown away and felt overwhelmed. I admit that I backslid and gained back the 40 lbs I had lost. Fast forward to last January (2010). I started taking care of myself again and started swimming. I began using Sparkpeople again and this time I tried connecting with people. I started the process to get gastric bypass (4th time looking into it). As time came nearer for the surgery to become a reality, I really knew deep down that it wasn't the answer for me. I know that my issues are in my head and I am my own worst enemy. I knew that the risks didn't outweigh the benefits for me. Right about that time, I found out I was losing my job due to downsizing. Again, I allowed myself to stop taking care of myself and gained the weight back. Every time I stopped taking care of myself, I also stopped coming to Sparkpeople. I didn't want to be one of those people that are always starting over. I always said that this was a journey with no end, therefore I didn't want to write down that I was falling back into bad habits. I was embarrassed and ashamed to admit it to myself let alone everyone on Spark. So I recently started coming back to Spark. Yes I make mistakes, and I disappear for a while but I keep coming back. I don't consider it starting over, if I could start over, I would have gone back to 10 when my weight started ballooning. I'm not going to be ashamed or embarrassed to admit I've done stupid things. The important thing is that I am here, here for me. November 2011 Starting out at an all-time high weight of 438lbs. I can't tie my shoes without pain, drive my car without beeping the car with my belly, or even get dressed without breaking out in a sweat. I hate the way I feel and I can't continue to abuse myself this way. I am beginning with baby steps: tracking my food, eliminating the fast food stops that have become a staple in my diet and trying to make the best choices available at the time.

My initial goal is to get below 400lbs. My next goal after that is to be below 350. And then every 20lbs after that I will reward myself with something small. In a perfect world I would like to reach 199 but I will be happy with just a healthier weight and less joint pain.

I am eating healthier and adding regular activity to my day. * eat as much natural or organic food as possble * eat as little added sugar/sweeteners as possible * eas as little processed food as possible * drink a minimum of 6-8 glasses of water a day * stay within my Spark calorie and nutrient ranges (currently 1670-2020) * swim laps 3x a week for at least 45 minutes each time * do upper body and core strength training on alternate days * continue to strive for longer workouts and higher intensity * take my vitamins and supplements daily

I purposely have left out my name from this as I wish to remain anonymous. I live in a small town and want to feel free to write whatever I want here. I am 42 years old and live in New England. I am married with one beautiful daughter, age 14.

I am currently employed as an Employment Specialist servicing people receiving TANF and with disabilities. I have also started graduate school and am working on obtaining my MSW. My goal is to be a licensed Social Worker. I love to read, surf the web, especially Sparkpeople.com. I make jewelry as a hobby and hope to someday make it a profit making endeavor. I am a pretty novice gardener. This is my third year at having a veggie garden and look forward to eating lots of fresh produce and freezing stuff for winter.

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