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I need to put my fight to return to a normal weight first on the list, not friends, not family, not anything else. We lost weight before our wedding and for months we really had it down.

I exercised an hour almost every day. I tracked my calories and focused on low carb snacks, smoothies, and the same basic dinner of whole wheat spaghetti, fake meat sauce with Amy's macaroni & cheese, fake meat hamburgers, or sometimes a frozen pizza as a treat. I learned how to go to bed hungry and wake up feeling rested not like I need to digest more. I limited the amount of carbs I had at one sitting and I kept track of how long I went between snacks and meals so I wasnt grazing and I wasnt letting myself get so hungry I'd lose control. I began feeling more energetic, more confident, and I started wearing compression garments under my clothers when I exercised because I wanted to make sure I didnt stretch out my skin while being active because i was losing enough weight to start seeing loose skin. My then fiance would rub my shoulders and hold me while I cried instead of me just running to food and forgetting everything I was trying to do. I also remember going up to my bedroom unable to even speak because i knew if I didnt just leave the situation I would end up reacting by talking myself back into bingeing. I also would have "cheat meals" where we would choose to split a frozen pizza so we could still track the calories or I would eat a bag of popcorn with tv instead of dinner bc I really just needed to zone out and nosh on something... but again I tracked my calories. I added in fiber. I increased my protein. I would count the actual days we screwed off our diet on my calendar. On my best month, we only screwed up five days the whole month.

And I was rewarded with hope. I got to discover I had gone down a couple dress sizes by the time I needed to pick my wedding dress. I began to see a healthy, bright-eyed girl with hope in her expression when I looked in the mirror. I cared more about my appearance. I felt stronger in every other area of my life.

Then we got married and I was exhausted. Beyond exhausted and I hadnt realized it. Our honeymoon became a clean up project for the wedding, and afterward we just crashed. And binged. For two weeks after the wedding I remember that no matter how much I slept I always felt tired, dragging myself out of bed. It scared me a little, and we had some disappointments with the wedding pics being destroyed after we had worked so so hard to make this the event of our lifetime and were completely exhausted from it. We ate and ate and ate. My husband eventually started wanting to get back on track, but I became completely apathetic. I had never been that way in my life, but now all I wanted was to eat around the clock and watch tv around the clock. Nothing else mattered to me.

Finally, about 7 months later, I had a realization that this was becoming it, I was losing my way and losing myself-- the one person who could turn it around. If I lost myself I knew there would be no returning from the addiction and compulsions.

More time went by trying to pull myself back out of the pit of addiction. I bounced up and down from my heaviest weight of all time... but I kept trying.

And now, today, I choose to stop doing wrong to myself and my loving partner. I just got off another four day binge and I am asking myself to keep my word and make this the last binge. I get so critical of what I am doing that I think maybe it's the addiction not me that is thinking so poorly of me, demotivating me.

I went on a walk today despite being sick and having a food hang over, being out of shape and having it be too hot and bright outside. One of my neighbors called out to me, "you really stick to it, don't you!" and it really made an impact. I thought my self-talk was going pretty well. I was on a walk, I was trying to be patient, but when he said that comment, I realized my self-talk was about trying to get out from under the rock of being a failure. There was a sneaking sense underneath my carefully cultivated "compassionate" attitude that I am not trustworthy and this was very likely to be another pointless endeavor I dragged myself through... going on a walk but with no real reason to believe it would mean anything had really changed. After all, I have been crazy to act on food addiction in the first place and how can you trust a crazy person to stop being crazy?

The neighbor's comment gave me a different interpretation. I am the girl who he has seen out there so often that he commented to me that I stick with it. I am the person who no matter how many times I have chosen to make a mistake and give up on staying sane with my food, I have just as many times chosen to stop the craziness and work to try and do something about it. I am not a series of failures, I am a series of efforts made toward the desire to heal and get past the craziness and the crippling weight of the addiction.

I feel determined to give this gift to myself. I DESERVE to get past the food addiction. I want it and need it and I have failed many times trying to reach a state of recovery, but I keep on asking for it, I keep on working for it, I keep on suffering to try and keep that promise to myself and I WANT TO GIVE IT TO THIS POOR GIRL THIS TIME. I DESERVE TO SEE I DO STICK WITH IT AND I AM TOO COMPASSIONATE OF A PERSON TO WITHHOLD THIS REWARD FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS WORKED SO HARD TO SOMEDAY EXPERIENCE IT.

Member Since: 12/27/2006

Fitness Minutes: 16,617

My Goals:
My heaviest weight ever was 289. I weigh all the way back up to 285 thanks to poor eating.
My goals are:
#1 to get out of the 280's
#2 to get back to the 250's.
#3 to get below 243, the weight I met Tony at.
#4 to get to the 220's.
#5 to get under 200.
#6 to get to an ideal weight between 130 and 155.

My Program:
It's easier for me to eat less during the day so I have calories enough for a large dinner than to go to bed thinking about the meal I didnt get to have because of my diet.

Drinking a bunch of water is the only thing that pushes me down the scale.

Personal Information:
I have so many fears about my health as I turn 40. I'd like to take the fears associated with obesity off my list of worries.

Other Information:
Walk Away the Pounds is still the easiest way to motivate me to exercise.

Read More About OREGONTHEA - Profile Information moved here. (Updated June 7)

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 current weight: 291.0 
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