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I hope to become as consistent as a teddy bear - just not quite as "fluffy." :-)

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I just recently joined the "Never Been Skinny" team and started realizing some of the things that I've been carrying around almost all my life. It's kind of scary at times to realize how much unforgiveness is wrapped up in my weight. Sometimes I eat (and don't care) because Mom always pushed me to lose weight. Sometimes the ways she pushed me were much less than complimentary. Other times, I could tell she was doing it in love. Mom is long gone now, but her words live on in my mind. I think that keeping the weight on has sometimes been an expression of rebellion to her less-than-complimentary tactics. As someone who values words, I can often harbor negative words, allowing them to paralyze me.

But I have realized that I can DECIDE to remember the good things that she said, like, "Sis, I want you to be healthy so you don't end up like me. I want you to be able to enjoy your children. I don't want you to be able to wear my size." Mom was a 20/24 depending on the year, and she died of a heart attack at age 56. She has been gone for nearly five years now, and it has taken me this long to realize how much anger I had toward her for various things. Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother (and still do). She was just like any other mother: human.

But I have chosen to think about the good things now.
Like when we joined Weight Watchers together and were keeping track of points until I was about to go out of my mind. One night I got to the end of the day and I was hungry and felt like I was just FINISHED with even THINKING about Weight Watchers. She asked about my day, and saw the soda can that I had opened. She said, "you didn't drink all of your soda. You must have points left for a snack." I got irritated and frustrated. I was through with thinking in numbers, and I sure enough didn't feel like measuring the stupid can of soda, but she turned to the cupboard and found the measuring cup, poured my drink in it and quietly reported that I had enough points left for a good bowl of popcorn. I think she even popped it for me. Did I ever really thank her for that moment? If I didn't, I am thanking her now. Every pound I lose, I thank her for caring. Every pound I lose, I thank God for a mother who loved me.

I've uncovered other issues in this, my most recent (and I pray final) weight loss journey.

First, my weight has become a boundary.
It is the uncrossable line for single men.
Do not cross this line.
Do not worry about being interested in me.
Of COURSE I can be your friend, sir. I'm the "cute fat girl with a great personality." No one is interested in dating me, so I can be myself and be real and understand that sooner or later you're going to ask about one of my best female friends.
My weight is my defense. It allows me to enter a scene with confidence that I don't have to worry about impressing anyone.

I find comfort in my size, knowing that I don't care about what people think of me. It's an outer display of my inward laissez faire, if you will. I have no idea where that term came from, but it just popped into my head and I looked it up. It seems to fit. The secondary definition is "the practice or doctrine of noninterference in the affairs of others, esp. with reference to individual conduct or freedom of action. " That seems to fit. It's basically proof to myself that no one can control me, and that I don't CARE if I'm fat. DEAL WITH IT. Maybe I should re-phrase that. It WAS proof... I pray that all this stuff becomes past tense as I deal with it.


Member Since: 3/30/2008

Fitness Minutes: 1,000

My Goals:
Be more consistent in my day-to-day eating habits.

Fit COMFORTABLY in that size 18 denim skirt again.

Wear a size 14/16 non-elastic skirt for the first time since high school.

Eventually buy (and wear!) a size 10 dress.

Weigh 150 or less

My Program:

Personal Information:
Age 35

Never been married.
Never been skinny.
Wouldn't mind changing either situation! lol
I have control over one of those things, though, so here I am!

Other Information:

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 current weight: 206.0 
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    Hey I just stopped by your page and read your intro!!! I can totally relate to your issues with your mom because I had the exact same issues with my dad. He is not gone, however, and is still issuing the pain of the snide little comments. He is not overweight but is a PA (Physicians Assistant) so he knows the problems that can be caused by weight and I know that his intentions are only good but they really hurt sometimes.
    Anyway, I'm here for you and you are not alone. Thanks for all your help and support!!!
    4156 days ago
    I saw your post on never been skinny and I just wanted to stop by and tell you that you are not alone. There are a lot of us "fat girls" out there feeling the same way and you put it so wonderfully. **HUGS**

    Also, I noticed that your not a Done Girl. "What is a Done Girl?" A Done Girl is a girl who is done being fat, unhealthy, week... really just DONE!!! you should definitely come join. It is the most wonderful and supporting group of woman I have ever meet. I would have quit a million times by now if not for them.

    I'll send you an invite to the group and you will soon see what I mean!

    Love ya,

    4160 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/3/2008 10:13:27 PM
    I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for all the amazing support you provided yesterday. It was a bad day, but today will be a great day. I didn't go to the gym yesterday, but today I'm going to bust a move! WOOHOO!

    ps congrats on your pounds DONE so far! Your doing a great job!
    4182 days ago
    Hi, Elona! I'm just stopping by to say that I hope you have a wonderful Friday and a healthy weekend! I know last Friday and the weekend were a challenge, but sometimes we have to stumble in order to find out our weaknesses and make a plan to overcome them. Stay strong! I'm rooting for you!
    4278 days ago
    Welcome to single no kids. Looking forward to getting to know you
    4287 days ago
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