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I know this is going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done but I know that the reward is going to be the best I've ever had.

I believe in myself and in everyone else who has put their mind to it and decided to make this change. We can do it!
I want this more than I've ever wanted anything and I want to give me myself back. I deserve to be happy, healthy and comfortable in my own skin.

It doesn't matter if it takes 2 months, 6 months, a year or more- but I know that it will happen. This will be a journey of self discovery and I'm excited to take my first steps. I'm making a promise to myself, right now- that I'm going to remain positive no matter how hard it gets because for once in my life I'm taking control and I'm the only one who can make or break me. I choose the former.

2011... here i come!

(UPDATE 09/22/2012)
2011 came... and went. It was a great year and sometimes I wish I could have held onto the optimism I'd had, long enough to bring it into 2012. But that didn't happen.
I was successful in that I was consistent in everything I set out to do and I more or less accomplished my goals. I spent hours counting Calories and even more at the Gym, feeling confident and powerful (awesome feeling btw).
And people started to take notice. I felt like I was myself again and as the weight came off, I saw the face I recognized as my own, appear. (It had previously been a fat distorted version of the same)
I was proud of myself and I felt so liberated. Like I was in control of my life again. Little did I know that this would be the first 'up' in a series of 'ups' and 'downs.'
I still did have this voice at the back of my head that told me something wasn't quite right. Yes, I was losing weight but not nearly as fast as I should have been, given the amount of effort I was putting in to eating right and working out the right way.
You see, growing up I've always been one of those people who could lose weight as easily as I gained.
So a 2lb weight loss avg./month seemed strange but I ignored it, happy that I was still doing well and pushed on.
Then in Nov '11 I had a job in a new place (small town) Things changed. Drastically.
I felt like a fish out of water being a city- girl. But I wasn't about to complain about trivial things such as these.
However, I was tired to the point of complete exhaustion all the time, my hair was falling out at an alarming rate and I was unhappy.
I'd also gained 18lbs in 4 months.
I reached an all-time low. I'd never prepared myself mentally for being a failure and the disappointment that came with it.
Back in 2011 with every weight milestone I'd reached, I thought it would be the last time I'd ever see those numbers but here I was back to square one, in a third of the time it had taken to get it off!
And again, people started noticing. I wanted to hide!
I felt like I'd let myself down and I was honestly at the point of giving up. Why bother? After all, I'd worked so hard... for nothing.
It felt worse than it had before I'd even begun my journey because I'd gotten so close & now I have to do it all over again.
Plus I was angry. Yes, I'd stopped working out but I could swear I was eating right. How could I have gained? Why was this happening? How could I have let it happen? When will I ever be free?
I was confused, depressed and tired. I'd spent too much of my time obsessing about my weight and food that I'd lost out on being 25. I was frustrated with the whole situation.
One day I lost it- I saw my face in the mirror and saw the distorted fat version of it again. I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next day I went to the Doc, I needed answers. They ran some tests and...
I was diagnosed with PCOS.
Everything changed.
I spent hours doing research and slowly it all made sense. I was not angry anymore, I was relieved. That anger and blame I had burdened myself with was gone and with it the heavy weight on shoulders.
So, here I am now. I am hopeful again. I'm not as optimistic as I once naively was but I am positive I can so this.
I have my answers and this time around I understand that my body is different and I have to work with it.
Sure, I still have those days when I wish it were easy but here's the thing- if it came easy, I wouldn't have the capacity to appreciate the success. It has to have some value for me to not take it for granted. Life has its struggles and this is mine.

I want to do this for myself and for all the beautiful ladies out there with PCOS who feel like it's too big a mountain to climb.
The path may be slippery but I will do it and when I'm done I'll show you the way.

Member Since: 1/22/2011

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