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JENMC14 Posts: 2,786
9/13/12 8:36 A

It sounds to me like you need some therapy. I am 5'4" and 117-120 pounds, depending on the day. I am a size two. I have areas I'd love to change (tummy after 2 babies, anyone!?!), but I am not fat. At 5'3", 107 pounds, you do not have "fat" ankles. You need to seriously talk to someone about your possible body image issues and your relationship issues.

MEENABUG SparkPoints: (11,897)
Fitness Minutes: (4,194)
Posts: 519
9/11/12 7:08 P

Don't lose the weight, lose the husband

GIAGIA99 Posts: 22
9/9/12 9:05 A

I'm not a therapist, but I heard so much angst in your words that I want to respond.

It sounds to me that your unhappiness isn't about your ankles or arms, but about your perceived lack of love and support in your life. You may not feel you have any now, but that doesn't mean you never will. And in the meantime, it IS possible to be your own source of love and support.

The problem with your husband's "barking" (great description) needs to be addressed. He has a serious communication problem. It reminds me of something I read once: Villagers in the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific *yell* at a tree to bring it down if it's too large to be felled with an ax. I don't know if that's true, but the metaphor fits. This needs to be addressed. No one deserves this abusive treatment. Your self-esteem is suffering right now, and your thinking is very negative, but you CAN overcome your present troubles, believe me. ***Many, many people have overcome tremendous adversity and hardship, and have gone on to thrive. You will be one of them.***

Please find a supportive counselor and whatever other help you need right away!

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (254,056)
Fitness Minutes: (41,531)
Posts: 27,163
9/8/12 8:11 P

At your current weight and at your height, I very much doubt that you have "fat arms" . Where it comes to your ankles a LOT of people are bigger in the ankle - after all, we can't ALL be racehorses! Your BMI indicates that you are just over 19, and altho' that is not the bee all and end all, it is a rough indicator and as such indicates that you shouldn't be trying or wanting to lose weight. It MIGHT be that you need some toning exercises - developing your muscles, rather than losing any weight (fat). Have you thought about going into a Fitness Centre and having your body fat done properly with the calipers? That might set your mind at rest.

You mention that there is NO part of your body you are comfortable with. One thing I am wondering is if your image of yourself is distorted - like Body Dysmorphic Disorder where we see ourselves differently to how others see us. Often we look in the mirror and see negativity about ourselves, things that aren't actually there; we don't see the positive. Having vile people around you feeding you this vile clap-trap makes matters a heap worse because you end up believing THEM even tho' they are saying these things to be nasty - not because it is true. Below is a link re Body Dysmorphic Disorder:

When I was in my late teens and early 20's I thought I was overweight. I was very unselfconscious about my figure. NOW I would DIE for it - LOL! I was actually quite thin!

Your self esteem is shot to ....! What do you mean when you say "but hope to leave this place very soon" ? Your marriage? Your work?.... or do you mean your life? Which ever the answer, you need qualified help - if it is the latter, you need URGENT help!

DO know, too, that we on SP, altho' we are NOT therapists, we are here to help and support you as friends.

Take care and be well,

JBINAUSTIN SparkPoints: (54,255)
Fitness Minutes: (1,005)
Posts: 9,602
9/8/12 3:54 P

It's not all your fault. Please don't think like that. You don't need to be abusive to yourself just because others are abusive to you. Telling people their clothes look bad and they are overweight is abusive. Barking at you over the least little thing is abusive. Making you afraid to go home is abusive.

You *do* have people to talk to about it. We're here on SparkPeople. Make yourself a public SparkPage and connect with us. You've already gotten some good advice, particularly about counseling. I would suggest that you get counseling for yourself before you try couples therapy or marriage counseling. It's safer to learn who you are and how you feel about your marriage in private with a supportive person instead of doing it in front of your husband. After you know how you really feel and why you feel that way, then you can deal with the other people in your life.


ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (200,109)
Fitness Minutes: (299,168)
Posts: 27,329
9/8/12 2:03 P


Eleanor Roosevelt once said,"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Don't let the comments of some drunk upset you. At your current weight, you're not the least bit overweight and have nothing to be ashamed about. Some people when they get drunk are just plain idiots. Once they sober up, most regret their actions. If this woman can't even remember making any comments towards you, then she got her own problems to deal with.

Why is your husband yelling at you ? I don't know anything about your relationship with your husband. if I were to take a random guess, I would say that his making comments about your weight is just the tip of the iceberg. Have you been having marital problems ? If so, then your worries about your weight just presented an easy target for his verbal abuse. And yelling at you like that was verbally abusive. Men know they can hurt women by complaining about their weight.

What to do ? Depending on the state of your marriage, have you considered counseling ? If your hubby doesn't want to go into therapy, maybe it would be good for you if your self esteem is in the gutter. a good therapist could help you (and your hubby) work through any issues you've been having.

There is no reason you should be yelled at because someone thinks you've put on weight. 1 kilo is hardly a gain ! I've gained and lost as much as 2 kilos (3-4 pounds) in a day because of a shift in my water weight. I'll bet that one kilo really is nothing more than water weight.

So, don't let the rude comments of some drunk get you down.

ORANGE81 Posts: 251
9/8/12 8:07 A

I am 5' 3" tall and 197 pounds today and should weigh around 120 pounds. At a lower weight I always saw the fat me in the mirror and she wasn't there but I was depressed. I agree with Kris you should see if you could find some counseling. I have been married moe than once and stayed in a bad situation because I wanted to responsible and do right by my infant son. I finally left with 100 plus extra pounds, broke, depressed scared and no credit and a bankruptcy! After counseling I learned my son my family my friends can not keep me healthy or even happy I need to do it for me. And really I don't care what others thought and life got better. Please take care no man or women is worth staying with to be hurt by. Seems like you are already alone. Keep in touch I also looked for your page to friend you. Keep up eating healthy, drinking water and exercising and keep up the faith in your self and in life. It will be better!! emoticon

MAHESHI1 Posts: 9
9/8/12 7:51 A

I'm around 5.3" but I have really broad bone structure which makes me look bigger than most people. I have fat arms and fat ankles and no part of my body I am comfortable with. God hasnt been very forgiving, but I guess I have a sharp mind. No family or friends, but hope to leave this place very soon

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (254,056)
Fitness Minutes: (41,531)
Posts: 27,163
9/8/12 7:02 A

How is your situation all your own fault? Are you able to talk with your husband about how YOU feel! (NOT how he MAKES you feel!) Do you KNOW that he doesn't care, or are you just assuming?

At your weight, does it really matter if he brings home some chocolate occasionally? SparkPeople isn't about deprivation - it is about healthy living/choices, MOST of the time. It is about a healthy balance, and for that sometimes we just NEED to have a little something that is often classed as "bad"! Chocolate is fine - encourage the real dark high quality chocolate and just have one or two pieces. THAT is actually quite good for you!!

If you don't mind my asking, how tall are you?

You say that your marriage is the only responsible thing left in your life - well I actually beg to differ on that! You have responsibilities at work; you have responsibilities to YOU - apart from marriage. The responsibilities to you include ensuring that you are safe, emotionally and physically; ensuring that you put good nutrition into your body; ensuring that you get some YOU time - time out to ENJOY yourself!

Have you any other family? Parents, siblings, etc.? Are there friends from the past with whom you can touch base, even if it is just for a quick catch-up? It is amazing what these little things can do to help put me oomph back into your life - to make it more enjoyable.

BIG hugs,

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 9/8/2012 (07:02)
MAHESHI1 Posts: 9
9/8/12 6:49 A

thanks for your kind words, my situation is all my own fault, but what I wish is the bad feelings would pass instead of lingering around all day no matter how i try to distract myself. I end up binging on any thing and everything and just feelreally cold. He doesnt care, but this is my second marriage and the only responsible thing I have left in my life
he may not intend to, but he jepoardises everything I do , like buying butter and chocolate all the time

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (254,056)
Fitness Minutes: (41,531)
Posts: 27,163
9/8/12 6:23 A

I am a tad confused - people complaining because you have PUT ON weight - you are 48kg (just over 105lb) - unless your weight-ticker is wrong OR you are extremely short, then I don't see how you are overweight AT ALL!

I would disregard what that woman said to you - she was rude and totally out of order. Whether you have put on weight or not, and what clothes you wear is YOUR business - not hers.

Where it comes to your husband, I am wondering if your relationship together is not very good. It sounds like you are dependent on him for companionship. You mention "... always 'barks' for the slightest thing, which I should be used to, but he is the only person in my world and i have noone else to speak to. " To me that says that you may think it better the devil you know than the devil you don't. I am wondering if it would be helpful to have relationship counseling. If your husband won't go, then there is no reason why you can't have some counseling for yourself - perhaps to help you discover your self-esteem and deal with the baggage that you carry around. As far as not going home ... is this because of fear? You needn't live like this. If counseling doesn't help improve things in your relationship, then sometimes it is better to acknowledge that it hasn't worked, and leave rather than staying in one that is destructive.

Is there some group you could join? Perhaps a hobby and sports group? That is a real good way of making friends and it might even improve your relationship with your husband. It would help to reduce you dependence on him for everything outside of work. It is possible that HE may like to join a group too! Just something to think about.

I went to have a peek on your SparkPage and notice you don't have one. If you create one and have it set so that others can drop by, you will find that you will get heaps more support from SP members, and make some really good friends in the process!

Good luck and take care,

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 9/8/2012 (06:27)
MAHESHI1 Posts: 9
9/8/12 6:11 A

met some woman who was drunk and said that I had put on weight since 4 years ago and that my shirt didnt suit me. Thing is I dont want to admit that I have, and when I asked my husband he confirmed that I had put on weight. This morning when he was driving me to work at the hosptial I tried to speak about it with him and he yelled at me. All I could imagine was him, in the shape of a dog barking at me. He was so loud and I was so embarrased that I just told him to calm down and got out of the car.
He always 'barks' for the slightest thing, which I should be used to, but he is the only person in my world and i have noone else to speak to.
Im even more upset because the feeling felt so bad that I ended up eating....a lot, and now i feel guilty plus fat plus unloved because he hasn even called to see if I needed a ride. Its only 4pm and i dont know how to get through the rest of the day.The feelings wont pass
please help.
on the scales i may have put on a kilo in four years!!! im not going home because he makes me feel bad.

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