When a man tells you he don't want to be with you--believe it. Don't prolong the inevitable, save yourself the grief. Take control of this situation so that you will land on your feet in a new and exiting way. The heck with him! Look at it as a new lease on life.
Fitness Minutes: (60)
1 7/8/13 10:45 A
Sometimes what helps me when I am going through sticky situations is this saying "Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve". My boyfriend went off to cuba a while ago, and I was so excited for his return, when I saw him he acted distant, like he didn't miss me at all. He claimed he loved me, just "not as strongly" it scared the crap out of me. This went on for a few weeks, and finally I had enough and one day when he came over, I told him that when he leaves it will be the last time he sees me until he figures out what he wants and needs, because I didn't deserve to go through that. We ended up talking it out and got to the root of it, and we are closer then ever.
So just remember, the saying "sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve"
7/8/13 7:19 A
There is always more than we know, but reading your posts it appears that he is using you. Stepping far enough out of the relationship that it is making it emotionally difficult for you to support him, so you end up being the one to call it quits after all. Yet, he remains in the relationship when there are no strings attached and keeps you manipulated and at a distance.
It is time to be the one in control. Take the advice of a really excellent lawyer. Protect yourself, but don't make your decisions based on the desires (hidden or expressed) of your husband. Do what will be best for yourself in the long run, the short term is too emotionally charged to drive good decision making. Talk to your marriage counsellor about how to protect yourself emotionally at this time.
I wish you the best. You sound like a strong women who has been with an emotionally controlling man. You will find yourself again and be happier for it.
Fitness Minutes: (44,243)
27 7/2/13 10:19 A
This happened to me 10 years ago with my first husband. It took two years for the divorce to be final, and looking back at it, my life is so different now. I have a great husband who loves me just the way I am. I have great friends, etc.
While I was going through the hell, my therapist said something that helped me greatly. She said that going through this is like walking through a forest....you are surrounded by scary darkness, but if you just keep moving forward, you will eventually get to the bright sunny meadow. So I did. One step at a time and I gave myself a lot of love.
In the end, I wish my first husband well and hope he finds what he needs, because I stuck to the path and found exactly what I needed. A honest, meaningful life full of love and brightness.
Take care of yourself.
7/1/13 4:09 P
Thank you for posting an update. When you married you expected that he would always be a wonderful husband. Sadly your marriage ended awhile ago. We can't change people. Your best choice is probably to accept his decision, make a clean break and begin a new life. I've known several women who were in similar situations. Those who chose to take control of their lives and move forward are much happier than they ever imagined.
Fitness Minutes: (6,245)
7/1/13 2:26 P
hang in there.
7/1/13 1:56 P
It sounds like he want either A) the best of both worlds-the Married Bachelor or B) He's forcing you to be the person who left the marriage by forcing you to file though he moved out.
I personally call BS on the I still want to be married/have a relationship but don't want to live with you. So what are you the booty call when his dates won't put out or when he's lonely? Marriage is an all in or all out proposition (for me) If you have to live apart for work or something that's one thing but if he moves out because he want's his "own space" that's BS! Why should you live in limbo because Peter Pan wants to go back to the tree house?
Either way you should talk to a lawyer find out your rights, the communal property laws in your state, and your legal options. In some states if he moves out it is considered that he abandoned the relationship and will give you a better position if you divorce.
I wish you all the best and pray you find the strength to take care of yourself.
7/1/13 1:48 P
Well, I hope you find your path this time!
There's nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who wants to be somewhere else.
His path is his own.
Start living YOUR life. Go out there and be fabulous!
Fitness Minutes: (1,634)
7/1/13 12:45 A
It is hard trying to work on a relationship when the other person doesn't bother trying. Even if he lived with you he would still be gone.
6/27/13 7:18 P
It is okay to be afraid. Change is a scary thing, but uncertain happiness is preferable to certain unhappiness. Pray for God to send you friends and helpers to get you through the next few weeks.
Focus on what YOU need and surround yourself with supportive people. Whatever you do, do not grovel, beg him to come back, promise to change, etc. The best thing you can do is accept this gracefully and leave him alone. Your refusal to react dramatically coupled with your demonstrated lack of interest in his life will freak him out. Good luck. This too shall pass and one day you will look back on this as a lucky break.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. About 10 years ago when I was going through a similar situation wondering whether to stay or go, a friend said to me: "You're 46 years old and maybe have around 30 years left. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?" That comment really opened my eyes and I realized that no, that wasn't what I wanted. It was hard at first, but got easier. Now in retrospect, getting out of that dysfunctional marriage was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I know I'm hitting this thread quite late, but from what I've read it sounds as though YOU have done everything YOU can to make your marriage work. Like Dr Phil says (don't judge me ;), a relationship isn't 50 / 50, it's 100 / 100. You should give everything you can to the relationship and not only as much as the other person is willing to put in.
You have done that and your husband (for whatever reason), hasn't been willing to bring his 100% to the table. You can move on knowing you did EVERYTHING possible. You can't control his decisions or actions, but you can learn to accept that you are not the cause of this and find peace in that.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. We can't make someone want to stay in a marriage. It's so difficult when one is fighting to stay married and the other is fighting to get out. Many times one cannot see that it's not the marriage that is making them unhappy. They will go on and have the same issues with another if they don't get to the root cause of what is really going on.
Sometimes it is best to allow another space so they can work through their issues. I wish you the best! Keep marching forward!
Fitness Minutes: (301,328)
6/24/13 5:11 A
You did the best you could to save the marriage, but your husband has chosen a different path. Perhaps it's time to move on with your life and do what's best for you now. If your husband does have depression or some other mood disorder, he doesn't seem interested in addressing those issues.
We want the best for our loved ones, but if they aren't ready to make a change, there is nothing we can do to force them. So, I hope you're doing your best to take care of yourself.
Fitness Minutes: (20,298)
1,724 6/23/13 11:45 P
You might want to contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (Google will get you there). Some of what you're describing sounds like mood disorder symptoms. It can be good to get information and support from others who have been in relationships/family with people suffering from mood disorders or other similar challenges.
I wish you the very best. And I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.
6/23/13 11:19 P
Been off spark for a bit because computer died. I have been taking good care of myself. my husband wouldn't talk to me at all for about a month. he sent me an email adressing why he left so abruptly in late April, I went to his house (tiny apartment) and talked with him. we spent a couple weeks talking every Sunday. finally I told him that I really want to reconcile, to work on our marriage even if he needs to live separate for some time. we spend a few nice weeks together and then seemingly randomly he became very distant and checked out. a week later he told me he doesnt want to work on the marriage. it's "time for him to move on".
I still feel messy, but I am beginning to feel normal sometimes now. and that as heartbreaking as it is this is what he "wants" . (me and many of our friends are sure he's depressed, but he thinks that the marriage is what made him unhappy.)
check out stages of grief for life losses like divorce. anger is a natural stage and hopefully you can continue to find excellent ways to manage your stress and anger in helpful ways like you are!
when there is a situation like infidelity, he has broken your bonds of marriage... and unless he is at the table willing to change, then now is the time to care for yourself, with all the tlc you need to make it through this time of grieving and change...
and choose to trust the process, that there will be good and happy and love in your life again...
2/18/13 2:10 A
I do agree it is not your job to fix your (ex) partner. Let him fix himself. Meanwhile, enjoy your own company, keep trying to live a healthy lifestyle, and lawyer up.
Fitness Minutes: (75,035)
2,567 2/17/13 9:22 P
Get your lawyer right away. Change the door locks.
What are you afraid of? Don't be afraid. Rely on your closest friends. Do three nice things for yourself- manicure, massage, things like that.
You can handle this.
Fitness Minutes: (20)
2/17/13 2:43 P
I say divorce is not GOD's plan, unless there is infidelity. I say give this to the LORD He is available 24/7! I say fix yourself, your physical, mental, & now your spiritual growth might just be your most needed repair of all! Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Please give this a try 1st! It is not your job to fix your husband, give him to GOD daily in prayer. Ask GOD to work on your husband, and turn the rest of your day into making you the best you can be, be focused & really give it your all. Then no matter what happens you can say you really did all you could at doing the right thing. And that's not everyone's opinion of throwing your marriage under the bus.Really try to be a good upright person, 1st forGOD, 2nd yourself, and give your all to your job. Be the best employee you can be. Feed your body the best for health. Exercise like you mean it, ( it is the best stress relief) Tough times call for tough measures. Do the right thing, & that is something you can live w/no matter what happens. Give to GOD daily, do your best, and ask for prayer, you have mine. You are not alone.
2/17/13 12:48 P
Good for you JELLAJIGGLES! A year from now, you'll look back on this and wonder why you didn't do it sooner!
This must be very difficult for you. I can't imagine, as I've never been in that situation. I will say though, that if you're willing to work it out and he isn't, then it's probably going to hurt you more in the long run. Sounds like it's time to move on, and focus on yourself.
Sorry to hear all this but I agree, it does sound like he does not want to work it out.
You can start anew, Spring is coming and it is a time of rebirth and new beginnings !!
Take care of YOU and simply let him go.
Fitness Minutes: (36,402)
1,021 2/15/13 11:34 A
Joann2062's post reminds me - if you don't think you can make the monthly bills on your home without his financial assistance, you need to consult an attorney immediately to set up some guidelines for what he's on the hook for financially. Also, as of right now, assuming his name is on the deed or lease to your home, he has just as much right to access the home as you do, and, depending on the laws of your state, you could actually end up in legal trouble for changing the locks without his consent. You need to get in front of a judge ASAP to get a legal determination as to who has the right to occupy your home, and what his and your responsibilities are as far as paying the bills related to the home.
Fitness Minutes: (882)
2/15/13 4:42 A
I can sympathize what you are going through. But its not going to help you to try to rekindle something he is not willing to hang on to. Get a lawyer, change the locks, maybe sell anything you don't need to help pay for it in case he cuts you off financially. Don't be nice and cave into terms that aren't good for your future. Its time to focus on you,your needs, your future. Do things to help with stress most importantly exercise. Not only good for emotional uplifting or health benefits but it might get you ready one day to meet the right man down the line. Some one that is willing to stick with you cause you deserve that.
2/14/13 11:50 P
Thanks you guys. You (and all of my friends) are totally right. I tried, I worked really hard to make my marriage work. It just didn't.
I am angry that he decided to leave in what I consider to be such an undignified way. It is what it is. I have been sitting on lots of girlfriends couches, having good times and sad times. I wanted to call into work, but I didn't! I have gone to work everyday like a boss. I worked on cleaning up the yard today, chopped wood and took a walk!
So I'm hangin in there. Waves of good, and bad. I'm hanging in there!
Fitness Minutes: (36,402)
1,021 2/13/13 10:29 P
So by your own description, he's spent large chunks of your marriage being distant and being obsessed with other things and other WOMEN (yikes!), and even though he agreed to go to therapy with you recently, he hasn't done jack-all to actually work on any of the issues that therapy's supposed to address, and to top things off, he told you that: (1) he's moving out; and (2) he never wants to live with you again.
How on earth are you supposed to be married to someone who won't even share a home with you? Your husband is supposed to be your family - what the heck kind of family is that?
There's absolutely no planet on which you made the "wrong" choice - if anything, it sounds to me like your decision was a long time coming, and kudos to you for realizing you deserve better than this clown is offering.
And you definitely need to see a lawyer ASAP, for guidance on what you need to do to get the ball rolling on legal separation or divorce.
I agree with some of the others: I think you need to just let him go. I am sorry for what you are going through. At least you can say that you tried and it just didn't work. I would see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings, unless you want to try the whole 'you move out for a month and see how you feel then'. My brother tried that with his GF and all I can say is the whole situation is messed up right now and I think you would be better off letting him go. I know it won't be easy but you will get through it. If he is interested in other women, to me that is a signal that he needs to be let go. There is also a slight chance that maybe he is going through something and he can't bring himself to talk about it and this is his way of dealing with it.
2/13/13 6:09 P
I am sorry you are going through this, I have been through a divorce myself. It's horrible no matter which way you slice it. I wasn't the one who asked for the divorce. And once he did I begged him to go to counseling. He agreed but his mind was already made up. We did about 12 weeks of therapy before I realized that. As ASTRA said, you can't make him want to stay. And let me add to that, why would you want to? Why would you want to be with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you and clearly doesn't deserve to be. You are worth more than that! 5 months later we were divorced and I never looked back. It was the best thing he ever did for me. I'm not gonna lie and say it has been all peaches n' cream since. We lost the house to foreclosure and both had to file bankruptcy. I even had to give up my dogs. It was an aweful 2 years. But there is life after divorce. And in my case, a much better life. It has been 5 years now, I am remarried and I couldn't be happier. I look back now at that chapter in my life and I feel blessed to have been given a second chance at happiness. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Stay strong! You will get through it.
I would just be done with it. He has obviously made a safe path for his exit and he sounds like he had been doing that for a while. I would end the marriage and start your new life without him. You deserve to be happy and healthy
Fitness Minutes: (301,328)
2/13/13 11:59 A
I'm sorry you've been treated so shabbily by your husband. I don't know you and him either, but it does sound like he's not interested in continuing the marriage. I too think it would be best for YOU to let him go. He's not man or adult enough to maintain a proper marriage. There really are better men out there who will treat you with love and respect.
There are many members who will tell you how their first marriages went south, but went on to a much happier second relationship/marriage. Don't let this get you down. I know it hurts. The next few days and weeks will be hard, but you're a strong women. You can get through this. You don't need him. Don't let him play games with you. You've done what you can to save the marriage and he's not interested. Save yourself.
My advice ? Talk to a lawyer asap to find out what your options are. Then change the locks on the doors. He's out of your life now, keep him out.
Fitness Minutes: (37,050)
2/13/13 11:42 A
I am going through this myself right now. My husband moved out first of January, but he told me before Christmas that he wanted a divorce.
It's scary, absolutely, but you can't make him want to stay. You can't be the only one working on the marriage if he has both feet out the door. It sounds like he is attempting the "let her down easy" route, which is completely unfair to you and makes you hold on to false hope. It sounds like he doesn't want to be the one to say that he wants out.
I think you have done the right thing by not holding on and telling him your boundries. Of course, you are going to second guess yourself; you are likely going to do that for a while. It's a sucky place to be, but we are here for you and we can support each other.
2/13/13 11:31 A
Well, I don't know him (or you), but from the little bit you wrote, he sounds like a big bundle of trouble. Let him go. If he doesn't want to work as hard as you do, then he doesn't deserve your efforts.
I know how hard these situations can be, but you need to take care of yourself now. You're strong enough to get through this, and when the dust has settled, you will be even stronger.
2/13/13 11:01 A
What a difficult position to be put in. I do believe that it takes two people to make a marriage work, and he does not seem all that invested. What are his goals for you living separately? Does he want to stay married and live separately, have an open marriage, or separate with the intent to divorce? Also you need to consider if living separately is okay with you or him seeing other people is okay. In the end you have to make the decision that is right for you.
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2/13/13 10:12 A
Sorry you are going through this. Take time to reflect and do something positive for yourself.
2/13/13 9:03 A
Well, we can always second-guess ourselves. IDK your situation except for what you said in your post.... sounds like he's not really interested in working on the marriage. JMO but if you aren't living together, and you're (and by "you're" I mean BOTH of you) willing to work at it... it sounds pretty much over. It takes two to tango, and both people have to be dancing.
I'm sorry you're in the situation.
Fitness Minutes: (120)
2/13/13 8:59 A
I'm sorry sweetie. You're going through a rough patch right now, but it's time to move on. Clearly your marriage is over and it's time to move on.
That saying "time heals" is so true! I look back at all the heartbreaks I've been through in my life and they are meaningless now.
2/13/13 8:46 A
I'm so sad, that I'm not thinking right and didn't spell check any of this. Ugh.
I'm sacred to death that I made the wrong choice. That I reacted to quickly.
2/13/13 8:38 A
After 4 years of marriage and 6 years together. On Monday my husband told me he wants to get his own "home". Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, way more downs. Like 8/9 months a year of him being distant, or obsessed with other things/other women.
He said he still wanted to be in a relationship, but he wants "space", and "breathing room". When I asked if he would ever want to live with me again, he said no. I want to live alone. Things have been so bad for so long. We, finally started couples therapy 3 weeks ago, but even that just seemed to make things worse. He would just stonewall, "I don't want to talk about this outside of therapy." Then after therapy he would typicly leave town right after, (on a Thursday afternoon, and be gone till Sunday night.)
After he dropped the bomb that he wanted to move out I went and talked to a girlfriend and her husband. She knows alot of what's going on. She said well, buddy, now the ball is totally in your court. Do you want to have a husband, who doesn't live with you? The answer was so clear, so concise. I have tried so hard to make this marriage work, but I just don't want to live alone, and be married. That isn't for me.
I am writing all this for advice. I'm not scared to death that I made the wrong choice. That I reacted too quickly. That I should have stuck it out in therapy. We went to couples therapy 5 years ago, and it made a huge difference. Like night and day. But it took work, and time. This time was different, he didn't want to be in therapy, and he gave ultimatums.
I called him right after (because he left to go sleep at his office) and said I think we need to think about it. Take more time. He said no, you spoke your truth, and that is good. This is what needs to happen.
I'm so heartsick. I feel so scared. I don't know what to do.