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NVRDWN88 SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 341
10/9/12 11:07 A

Many of my friends and family as well as gf are very aware that I find women with size beautiful......I don't justify it the same way I don't justify why I picked one shirt off the rack and left hundreds behind......I think most people are beautiful , if not all of them some part of them ....anyways I think a lot of men feel the same way as me , from multiple conversations, but they feel pressure to like what the media likes ......for some reason it is hard to go against the media skinny vs fat , straight vs gay, rich vs poor know what I'm saying .......this doesnt mean I dont like Jessica alba or other women without size but here is what I noticed .....women with size must carry themselves confidently, sexy, and show they care about themselves....same as their smaller sized counterparts ......attitude , personality , and appearance ....if you regardless of size have given up on life and run around as a slob it doesnt matter your size bigger women help change societies image of your likeness by strutting yourself in confidence and happiness smile at us and be sexy......i hope this is making sense .....if you are a bigger woman and you constantly put yourself down and don't ware a certain outfit because you are "too big for it" or "it makes your %?&! Look big etc etc etc then you are just as guilty as the men in question ......btw i want all women on spark to get healthy and meet all their goals ......and lose every ounce they can so THEY can have a joyous life , not so my eyes can look at a skinnier woman....I hope nothing I said sounded offensive ...i know what I mean but it doeant always come out sum it up christy alley and Anna buckle smith both looked better when they were bigger imo......

JADOMB SparkPoints: (134,622)
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9/28/12 3:12 P

I have one name to throw out there to answer this. MADONNA. Have you seen her recent pictures? She looks like bleached out jerky. Now that is a woman that needs meat on the bone.

I too like full figured yet fit looking women. The stringy jogging types don't do much for me. I need curves to interest me. And there are many shapely fit women out there. Which brings me to the other shape that scares me. The shapely OVERLY fit woman that looks like she can kick my butt. LOL I mean really, tone is one thing, being cut is another thing, but HULK with boobs just isn't getting it for me. LOL

So I think most men do like fit but shapely women and when they are saying something like, you need a little more meat on the bone, you might just take a self reflecting moment to see if your diet or fitness plan is going one step too far. But that's just me.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
7/13/12 1:17 P

yeah, I work with a bunch of horny toads.

7/13/12 12:00 P

I'm glad to hear that your husband seems to have stopped making unhelpful comments. Sounds like silence might be the right approach on this issue.

With my husband, he wants to take care of me. If I talk to him about something, he often reads it as a "request for help", and will try to fix it for me. I've learned to preface idle chit chat with "This is just idle chit chat" or "May I bend your ear for a moment?" so he knows I'm not looking for answers, just someone to listen while I blather on.

Strangely, although I work mainly with men, none of them ever EVER comments about other women in front of me. For that matter, none of them even swear in front of me, and they tend to go all proper. I do come across as very demure and dainty in person, so perhaps they're afraid that I'll faint or something if they use rough language...makes me smile.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
7/13/12 11:49 A

Trinity, I TOTALLY agree with you on EVERYTHING you said. I'm not putting guys down at all, especially here in the guys lounge, LOL! They may kick me out! LOL! I absolutely hate it too to be compared with other women. I also do not like it when another guy feels it is important to comment to ME every time a HOT woman comes in our shop. Ok, maybe I'm a little jealous sometimes, I dunno, but come on, what do I care about how HOT the woman is? I'm not a lesbian. Go tell another dude how you'd like to shag her rotten. I'm just venting here. Not every guy is like that, at least I don't think they are.
Oh, another thing, within the last week or so, I have kept my mouth shut at dinner time, except to eat, and you know what, it's working. Hubby is not saying anything. Maybe he understands now.

7/12/12 5:03 P

Another thought...

People are often uncomfortable with change, regardless of what the change is. Your husband might just be uncertain about where you're going with your weight loss and he's nervous.

I've found that asking for people's opinion about something seems to give them some sense of ownership over it, and then the unsolicited advice starts to pour in. I think the guys have it right...stick to your guns. I would also suggest that you just get on with it, and not mention it to your husband at all. If it's a frequent topic between you, he will feel comfortable commenting, whether you want the input or not. If you don't discuss it, and just pursue it, he might lighten up on the comments a bit.

Oh, and a word about comparisons:

I hate, hate, HATE it when I am compared to someone else, even if I come off favourably. I judge my performance based on how I'm configured and what I can do. I don't want to hear that I'm better looking than X or have a larger rack than Y or am skinnier than Z. It doesn't help, mainly because it makes me feel like I'm being evaluated and rated on some sort of scale and that I have to measure up against (or beat) whomever I'm being compared to lest they take my place in the eyes of whoever is making the comparison. I don't give a about what everyone else is doing, only that I'm being the best me I can be. And having someone else's performance brought into it is irrelevant and annoying.

/End Rant

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
7/10/12 4:46 P

thanks for all the great advice guys. I really appreciate it. The only thing I knew for sure not to do was to complain about how "fat" I am. Nobody wants to hear that all the time. I stay quiet so I could not understand why he wants to point it out that I need to eat and comparing me to other women and crap like that. Thanks again.

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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7/10/12 4:07 P

I'll be more blunt. Tell him to stuff it, and do what makes you happy in this instance.

How can he not like that? How can he not wnat you to be healthy and happy with yourself?

C'mon- time for him to grow up.

APACHESTEVE SparkPoints: (31,928)
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7/10/12 3:14 P

I agree with the previous post, get your figure and shape where you are happy with what you see in the mirror. If the ten pounds bother you, then I've got confidence you will "handle" the problem. Once you like the reflection in the mirror, anything else is his problem. I hope that isn't too blunt?

GRAVELRIDGEBOY SparkPoints: (36,875)
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7/10/12 2:47 P

Honestly I think it is a no win situation here, What you need to do is get your body where you want it and have the confidence in yourself...that is what is really attractive anyways. I am sure your husband will love you through thick and thin (lol) as long as you are happy...

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
7/10/12 2:41 P

thanks Steve for those encouraging thoughts. I agree with you that we get mixed signals from the opposite sex quite often. I believe that what he is really trying to say is that, yes, I would look better without the extra poundage, but you look just fine with it, as long as you don't get too big. What do ya'll think?

APACHESTEVE SparkPoints: (31,928)
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7/10/12 11:36 A

Wow Ms Dove, you opened my eyes with your thoughts. Just another example of how we guys just don't get it with our favorite ladies. See it would never occur to me that he is saying inbetween the lines that you are some big, and need to get those extra ten off. I'm not argueing your reading between the lines makes perfect sense. If I said something along those lines, I'd say, "hey I love your figure, it is so much better than......." Although I've also found that comparing to others often leads to confusion and misunderstandings. Perhaps since I'm on a journey to become healthy, I get that those of us who struggle with weight know we have issues and don't need to be reminded. You may well see the extra 10 in your swim wear or birthday suit, but there is a decent chance he doesn't. I'm petty sue I'd not notice 10 pounds?

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
7/9/12 3:01 P

now that makes sense Steve. I will try that approach. I'm not giving in to him. I'm going to continue to lose my last 10 pounds. I'm uncomfortable with myself with the extra love handles hanging out. I just thought of something else he does alot. When we are out, he makes it a point to say, "look honey, you are nothing as big as those women" and "wow, she'd make 3 of you" Ok, I get it. I'm not real big, but I am SOME big, and I need to lose those last 10 pounds. You know what I mean?

APACHESTEVE SparkPoints: (31,928)
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6/29/12 6:03 P

Let me add my two cents worth, if I may. Like it or not guys will look at the new and reshaped you when you are wearing the swim wear, we are just like that. I suspect your dh may not want to deal with other guys looking at you. See I'm a little weird, I would love the attention for my wife/girlfriend, especially since "you can look but she is going home with ME, suckers".
If he has never struggled with weight, it is a safe bet that he has no clue how important this journey is to you. May I suggest that rather than talk about how hot your getting, stress that now that you are healthy, and getting more so, you will get to spend a longer life with him, making each other smile.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/29/12 9:33 A

thanks Gravel, I'll take that into consideration.

GRAVELRIDGEBOY SparkPoints: (36,875)
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6/28/12 6:13 P

Maybe try a different approach, you said he has never had to worry about his weight...but I am sure there is something in his life he has struggled with as everyone has. Use that to compare your weight struggle to his struggles and maybe he will understand what it means to you.

As far as that leaving thing, for me, I would rather be with a girl who is happy getting in shape even if I knew she was going to move on than be stuck with a girl who was miserable with herself the rest of our lives...

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/27/12 4:08 P

thanks Jennifer.

JENNIFER_67 SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 2,732
6/27/12 3:53 P

I agree that you should talk to your husband about this. It's probably just that he doesn't realize how he's making you feel when he says things like that. Or, deep down, there may be a part of him that worries about what might happen if you lose the weight. But either way, you need to get to the bottom of it. Pretending to eat what he wants you to eat is defintiely NOT a good alternative.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/27/12 2:27 P

thank you so much Trinity. I needed to hear that. I never thought of it that way, but darn it, it makes alot of sense now that you put it that way.

6/27/12 2:01 P

Turtle, mind if I weigh in for a moment?

I think you're onto something with the idea that your husband might be afraid that he'll lose you to someone else if you get into shape.

Many years ago, when my husband and I got together, he used to jokingly say things like, "Why would a girl like you want to be with someone like me?" and "You'll run off with some muscular guy from the dance studio" (I was taking lessons at the time) and "You'll probably run off with the pool boy / gardener / fill-in-beefcake-stereotype-here". At first, I just sloughed it off, or tried to reassure him, but one day I got mad. Really really mad.

I told him that he may think it's funny, but what he's saying to me when he tells me I'll run off with the pool boy is that my love for him is that superficial that my head could be turned by some dude with a nice body, that I'm untrustworthy, unfaithful and uncommitted to my vows of marriage. I told him that I chose him because he was perfect for me, and that if I'd wanted the pool boy I would have picked him in the first place. That it hurt my feelings, I was tired of hearing it and didn't want to hear it again.

Husband has never said anything of the sort since. And I think the fact that I got so angry about it made him clue in to the message he was sending: That he wasn't worthy, and that I wasn't trustworthy. A REALLY bad message to send to your wife.

Anyway, to make this long-rambling story a little shorter, if your husband feels threatened by your efforts to get in shape because he thinks you'll leave him, maybe you need to have it out with him. Tell him how his behaviour makes you feel, reassure him that you're not going anywhere, and then don't put up with it a moment longer once you've had the conversation.

Playing games by pretending to eat what he wants you to will only lead to:
-- you feeling resentful that he's undermining your hard work
-- you starting to eat the food and undoing all your hard work
-- him feeling betrayed if he ever finds out that you've been pretending to eat for him.
They will make your relationship worse, not better. If you can't talk openly and honestly with your husband about things that are important to you, that's a bigger problem than him wanting you to eat sweets.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/27/12 12:55 P

Will do! He's never had a weight problem so maybe that's why he doesn't quite understand. Thanks Eric and ADOS , knew I could rely on you guys.

Edited by: TURTLESDOVE at: 6/27/2012 (12:57)
ADOS-ADOS Posts: 133
6/27/12 12:55 P

I agree that it's a lousy idea. First of all you're wasting food, but more importantly he might consider that patronizing. That might even seem passive aggressive.

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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6/27/12 12:01 P

Lousy idea.

Tell him to knock it off. You don't need to accomodate his whims on what you eat and don't eat. Tell him politely to "stuff it".

My wife would say that to me, and I wouldn't blame her for trying to be bossy like that.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/27/12 9:48 A

thanks guys. I'm just trying to understand him, that's all. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, I just want to please him in every way, because I love him, you know. He works hard all day long and I'm sure he doesn't want to come home to an unhappy wife. I believe I have found a solution to this problem. I will put the food he wants me to eat on my plate, along with some healthy stuff for me, and just eat a bite or two of the other. He can say what he will, but when he sees a more healthy, hourglass me, he will appreciate it. What say you?

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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6/27/12 9:33 A

I'm sure if he understood how he was making you feel by what he was saying, he'd stop. He probably has no idea of how he is affecting you, and he'd change quickjly because he is probably trying to reassure you that he is happy w/ you, and inadvertently challenging you.

I'd hope it isn't over the ogling at the beach issue. You're going home w/ him, to be w/ him, at night. I think my wife is a knock-out beauty, and I can't stop anyone from looking at her. I know she'll be going home w/ me, and "cuddling" w/ me, not them!

ADOS-ADOS Posts: 133
6/27/12 9:17 A

Maybe he likes Jessica Alba just because she's pretty, but he wants you to be heavier because it makes you more cuddly.

I was resistant to my fiancée losing fifteen pounds at first for that very reason. Then eventually I remembered how pretty she was when she was thin, when we first met, and I decided to drop my resistance. Now she's at a healthy weight and she feels more self-confident and carries herself accordingly, and that makes her all the more good looking. Plus, somehow, she's still cuddly!

Have you tried showing your husband photos of yourself when you were at a healthy weight, smiling and confident, perhaps dressed fashionably, if such photos exist? Say, "Wouldn't you rather I look like this and be healthy, happy, and more self-confident?" He might come around, perhaps after a bit of reflection, or he might not.

Alternately, you could threaten to withhold cuddling completely until he knocks it off. emoticon

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/27/12 9:10 A

thanks Eric. Yes, I've told him I want to look good in a bathing suit in September if we get to go to the beach. I still have 10 or 15 pounds of excess fat hanging around. I think somewhere in his head he is scared of other guys looking at me. They do now but when I have my hourglass figure back, they look even more. And maybe he knows that the majority of non-celebrity women will never look as good as some of the HOT women on tv, so he doesn't want me to torture myself with food I don't like. I mean, when we go to the beach, not that I'm trying hard to look, but I NEVER see any woman remotely close to Jessica Alba, or Kim K, or whoever. Most of them are BIGGER than I am. We don't have a million dollars for liposuction and tummy tucks and things like that. Anyway, I'm rambling here, but I will reassure him that I want to at least get this extra flab off of me so that I will be more confident. Thanks guys.

ERICWS SparkPoints: (8,307)
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Posts: 1,537
6/26/12 9:34 P

Have you asked him why? Maybe he should know how he makes you feel- if you are striving for something, tell him what your goal is and let him know you want his support.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/26/12 4:23 P

i'm talking about chunky as in fat, not curves. I don't call curves fat, I call curves very attractive. Jessica Alba is not chunky.

XHUNTERX Posts: 974
6/26/12 3:59 P

That's because Jessica Alba can be skinny AND still have hot curves. Not all girls are that lucky, sorry.

TURTLESDOVE Posts: 1,067
6/26/12 2:08 P

Ok, I am still confused about this one. I believe I posted something similar before, but I have STML and I forgot, so here goes. I don't know if I'm speaking for everyone here, or just my husband, whom I love very much, and I believe this is unintentional, but he tries to derail me and make me eat. He says, "honey, you know when we first started dating, I told you that I like a little meat on my bones" I couldn't resist it. I said, "ok, then, tell me why you had a picture of Jessica Alba on your phone when we started dating?" He didn't have an answer, so I said, "she doesn't have an ounce of fat on her, why didn't you have some chunky chick if you like a little meat on the bones" Ok, I said it. What do you guys think?

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