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SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (253,460)
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8/27/13 4:23 P

I am glad that things have worked out so well. This unpleasant and frightening event in both of your lives may well be the event that keeps you close together for the rest of your lives!

BIG hugs,

TRICHARDS19 SparkPoints: (0)
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8/27/13 11:42 A

To all that offered support and advice, thank you. My daughter is doing well now. It was the hardest few months I have ever lived through, and entailed the most difficult choices I have ever had to make. I chose to support my daughter in regaining control, which included supporting her in her wishes, which included not pressing charges, not obtaining a restraining order, and getting back together with her abuser for a short while. Because she was so close to being 18, and I feared losing contact, I did not choose to take all control from her. Instead, I supported her regaining control, in whatever areas I could. I gritted my teeth, breathed my into my fear, and I continued to support her, listening carefully for what she wanted. I advocated for her regarding her schoolwork, got her the best therapeutic services that she would accept - and availed myself of the many domestic violence services in the area. After a few weeks she was able to see - again - the abuse for what it was. She cut off all contact with him. She is "back", with us, with her friends, and family. She is like a different person, and realizes it. She has chosen not to attend college, but will be working, in her own apartment, and figuring out what she really wants to do. She's gotten two part-time jobs, and has found an apartment, and is dreaming about her future, which currently includes developing her considerable artistic talent - and she is telling me her dreams. I am so proud of her, and so thankful for the domestic violence services available in our area, her therapist, the support of many family and friends through what was the most difficult time in my life. Nothing compared to this and I would wish it on no other parent. It is time now to take care of myself, focus on my own exercise and nutrition was greatly scaled back this spring and summer. I feel I am now ready again to focus more on myself, another thing to be grateful for.

FIFIFRIZZLE Posts: 2,148
8/27/13 11:23 A

What a difficult situation. I have been through something like this with a relative who is thankfully through and out the other end, but it was a rough dark ride. She now has a darling child to this dreadful man and so he and his toxic miasma is in our family for the duration.
I stayed close to this girl and showed her that she was loved and lovable through the bad times, and never let her get away with thinking her family didn't love her, she leaned on us all for support and has now worked out a great life for herself.
But it was hard, and I had to dig deep.

This has not come out of nowhere. Was there an abusive relationship in your daughter's past? In yours? I agree with those who have said there are self esteem/self respect issues at play here and you heed to support DD working on those issues in whatever way you can that will help her.
I do think this is a case of taking care of your own oxygen mask first. Get a strong support network around you, confront and deal with your own issues, so you can be there and be clear and strong for DD. Maintain your relationship with her if you can and call in support so there is an alternative adult relationship for her when your relationship breaks down. Which it may if you challenge DD.
Where is DD's father? Can he or his family be of any help?
Can you get advice from DD's therapist?
Deep breaths, and just keep on. You can get through this.

SIMPLYME80 Posts: 406
8/26/13 1:12 P

I was once in the same situation as you. My daughter married her abuser/controler when she became legal age. Now he demands her not having contact with Her side of the family so I haven't seen her in years. He's angry at us because we were given temporary custody for several months of their two children for abuse . Since you daughter is still a minor, as a parent, Take control Now. Is there a way you can Move out of the area so she has No contact? Change her cell phone # if she has one, screen her calls even if she objects. Check any Facebook or other Social Networking Sites she may have, or delete them for a while, she can get a new account later with restrictions/monitoring,. She needs to Stop contact with him. Try having a restraining order placed on him, let him know you will procute if he breaks it.. At 17 most girls will get over a break up. Get her counciling. Encourage her that at her age, a education, a future career, and being self supportive is more important than a "boyfriend" during her teen years. Fight for your daughter if she is to emtionally weak/confused right now.

4/23/13 10:33 P

Is there any possible way that you could seek joint counseling: a safe "neutral" environment with an intermediary in which both you and your daughter can express your feelings?

I also agree with the legal approch: she is a minor, and if absolutely necessary, you should undertake legal measures to make sure she walks the straight and narrow.

I would also sign her up for some heavy duty relationship education: books, films, therapy groups which deal with abusive relationships - how to recognize them, and how to get out of one!

I also think your daugher must have some self-esteem issues to continue in such a situation. You could bring this up at a joint counseling session.

Best wishes! I am eternally grateful that I chose at a very early age to NOT have children!

4/22/13 11:20 P

I am so sorry that you are going through this. :(

All I can say is that although I don't have any children, my sister was in an abusive relationship and it took her forever to get out. She married him 3 years ago (she knows everyone hates him) because she was scared to be alone, and she finally admitted that. He didn't sexually or physically abuse her, but it was all verbal. He doesn't have a job, is a felon, has no license, and she has to do everything-work (he will drive and they just bought a new car; he made her take the bus to work), pay bills, housework, etc. Everyone pointed out to her that he was abusive but she always said 'but I love him; he's a nice guy when he isn't drinking/doing drugs'. I don't know what made her realize that he didn't deserve her (I think it was the counselor), but she finally left him. The way I look at it (not that I wished it upon her) is that Karma is a bitch; she was being treated the way she treated me for 20 years.

Unfortunately I think your daughter will have to see it for herself, and I think the therapist will help; I honestly don't know how to help, but I wanted to let you know that I am sorry you have to go through this.

CHIGIRL410 SparkPoints: (8,784)
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4/22/13 8:38 A

I'm with LILLIPUTIANNA. She's a minor, and you're in charge. My hesitation is that she could run away if you take actions that feel to her to be authoritarian.

Having someone who can help you where you are may really help. Can you find an adolescent medicine doctor in your area? If it's a doctor, your daughter may be more likely to listen, and adolescent medicine doctors are highly attuned to the issues of adolescents. And taking her to the doctor doesn't have the same stigma as taking her for counseling.

Here is listing of Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine. (Disclosure: I belong to SAHM, but I'm not an MD.)

ZELDA13 SparkPoints: (79,833)
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4/22/13 2:13 A

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I recently became aware of a similar situation that involves loved ones. Stay strong and do what is needed to protect your daughter.

LUMI6234 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/18/13 1:47 P

I don't have any advice to give but I also have a daughter and I couldn't imagine going through this. I am so sorry :( emoticon

4/17/13 6:32 P

Has the DV hotline been able to assist you in ways to help your daughter?

Unfortunately, when a woman is abused they are manipulated to believe that the man is controlling them and abusing them because they love them. They believe that without that man they have nothing, are not able to accomplish anything and only have respect within the community because of the man they are with.

It is so hard to see when you are in the relationship, and even harder to step outside of it for even a moment to see what everyone around you sees.

I am very sorry that you are dealing with this, and even more sorry for your daughter..the victim of the abuse.

I hope that she will come around and realize that this is not what she wants and it is not what she deserves!

LOVEXAVIE SparkPoints: (42,867)
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4/16/13 10:24 P

I am so sorry this is occurring, but I'm with LILLIPUTIANNA here.
She's still a minor child, and you do have the control.
Even if you have to find a place and put her in it.

My folks did something similar to my big sister when she was around that age. Her boyfriend was causing all sorts of trouble (don't know if he was physically abusing her or not) and it was a bad scene. They ended up taking her to an off-shoot of juvenile hall (called Youth Guidance Ctr at the time) and she was there until she was 18. We would visit her.

Sadly, she wasn't strong enough and when she got out, she did end up going back to him. I'll never forget what she herself told me: she said she wished she could have stayed there longer as she knew she wasn't 'strong enough' to say no to this creep. She begged them to let her stay! By law, they could not and she was just too week.

Thus begat many hard years of marriage to this jerk, divorce, and subsequent poor mate choices which, in a round about way, contributed to her early death at 43.

I don't know why - we have the same parents - but some women just have their picker out of whack when it comes to picking men.

I hope you can step up, lead her away from this, and do what you can to strengthen her as you don't have much time. It can have farther reaching consequences than you can ever imagine.

I sincerely wish you good luck with this. Show her your post & the responses here. Take her to a shelter.

Try anything you can.

BETHS60 Posts: 570
4/16/13 9:52 P

I am so sorry for what you are going through.


4/16/13 8:52 P

Okay, you are NOT powerless. Your child is still a minor...and apparently can't be trusted to make good choices. You need to step in and be strong. She's going to hate you for it, but that's too darned bad.

It's time to stop crying and start being a parent instead of a friend. Go to the police, report the friend if he violates the restraining order. Don't take orders from your daughter. Period.

I am all for extending freedom to children so that they can learn to live independently...but your daughter now needs to be shown that zero abuse can be tolerated. If she lives under your roof, uses your money, and is under your legal supervision, then you must take control of this situation...because it will only get worse.

10YEARSDOWN SparkPoints: (2,264)
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4/16/13 12:12 P

Can you get her into a battered women's shelter? That might be her best chance.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (253,460)
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4/16/13 2:59 A

My Sweet - I feel for you soooo much - and you daughter. Her 'friend' has obviously done a number on her where it comes to an abusive relationship. Unfortunately they are often very good at convincing the victim that it was 'their fault', or that is was 'only because I love you' type of thing. Not good........... not good at all!

Rather than harp on to your daughter, I would be inclined to write her a letter and tell her that you love her and are concerned about her. Tell her that you are her mother, and always will be, and that you will support her in any way that you can - that you are 'here' for her. After that, it might be best that you back off so that she doesn't withdraw further, but just keep an eye out for signs. I would be inclined to think that her Therapist is aware of the situation. Does her Dr know? If not, it wouldn't hurt for you to touch base there, either, so that the Dr DOES know and is able to monitor her when she goes to her appointments.

I will also say that I DO know what you are facing! When my daughter starting seeing someone when she was 17yrs old, I could see that he had the potential to do serious harm. He was very quiet and very shy. TOO quiet and shy. He would talk to my daughter in a barely audible voice when anyone was around. I tried to tell her that I felt that he had the potential for physical and mental violence and manipulation. I also told her that he showed significant signs of depression. All I would get was that no-one understood him. That he had had a sh*t of a life. That he had been 'kidnapped' by one parent when he was young and shunted back and forth between two countries, and a lot of schools. He had been left at 15 or 16 to sleep in a car because his father had jumped the country to escape debtors. The father had phoned the young man's aunt to tell her where the car was IF she wanted to take him in!!! When my daughter started going with him he was 18yrs old. Anyway, not that long after my daughter told me she was pregnant. To cut a long story short, she had her baby and they had an on/off relationship for a wee while, finally getting married when their baby was 4 years old. Exactly 1 yr later I got a phone call - my daughter had had to escape with her little 5yr old boy, fairly late one night. Her hubby had become so controlling that he would turn the phone bell off so she couldn't hear it, and then sit on the opposite side of the room so he could see the light blipping on/off and go out to answer it. If it was someone for her they were told she wasn't home. She didn't have any money from her work - her hubby spent it all, getting things on tick that they couldn't afford. This particular night she took off, he had rammed her head into the fridge, leaving a dent and damaged so much of their possessions - mainly hers and their son's.

I tried to get help for him, taking him to a Psychiatrist. My s-i-l allowed me to go into the appointment with him. He was, after-all, still a terrified boy! I told the Psychiatrist I felt he was suicidal. Fat lot of good that did. They wouldn't help. A few days later he had my daughter in the car (voluntarily) and their boy. He got angry because my daughter text someone. The phone got thrown out the window and he took off, threatening to throw the little boy out the window, and put the car with them in it over a cliff - they were driving UP that hill at the time. He didn't. 3-4 months later he was at my daughter's - he smashed the neck off a glass bottle and threatened to slash my daughter - in front of their child. He then went into her bedroom and with a sharp knife, slashed a beautiful bedspread I had given them for Xmas the year earlier. He then took off. I went into the Mental Health facility I had taken him too, and pleaded with them to help, that he was going to either kill my daughter and/or their son, OR himself. I was told that it was NONE OF MY BUSINESS AND TO BUTT OUT!!! About a week later he tried suicide. I was the one who had to deal with that. He had phoned me very distressed because all the medication he had taken wasn't working. I could tell it was by his breathing and his speech. It was left to me to ensure that he had the appropriate medical help. He was in hospital for a few days, then had to come home TO ME!! I also ensured that my daughter get a protection order against him. Anyway, I know that this sounds quite alarming and scary, but he actually got the help I had been pleading for prior to this. He is now fairly well balanced, and married again. My little grandson is now 18 yrs old next month.

When I asked my daughter when she was older why she wouldn't listen, she told me she didn't want to believe me, and that she thought she would be able to help him get through it! She also said that she didn't see in him what I had seen. I never harped on at her, but when it was obvious she didn't want to know, I told her that I was always here for her, FOR ANYTHING, and then pretty much left it at that.

You WILL get through this - you have to be strong for your daughter. HOPE that she listens to reason, and we will pray together that nothing more will befall her.

BIG hugs,
Kris xxx

CATS_MEOW_0911 Posts: 2,575
4/16/13 2:40 A

I am so sorry for what your daughter, and you, are going through; my heart goes out to you.

Edited by: CATS_MEOW_0911 at: 4/16/2013 (02:40)
TRICHARDS19 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/15/13 9:53 P

Two weeks ago my 17 year old daughter was sexually assaulted by a "friend". After accompanying her to the hospital, and obtaining a restraining order against him, she is now back to seeing her friend, insisting that it was all a misunderstanding - she is in total denial. I have never cried as many tears in my entire life as I have the past few days. I understand the cycle of power and abuse... academically... I was even a DV advocate for a time many years ago. I am horrified by what I expect will come. She will not speak with me about it as I am "judgmental" about him... the past year she looked depressed, schoolwork fell apart, and all along she's been in a relationship that has made her anxious, afraid, and miserable, and then resulted in an assault. Yet now they are in a honeymoon phase, all is well, and he "understands" what he did wrong... I have seen him take advantage of her and manipulate her for a year now; I pointed out some patterns months ago and she then refused to talk to me about him at all, so she's been in this a long time... I am having a hard time sleeping, all exercise and food structure has fallen apart, and I am having a hard time taking care of myself. I can't being to fathom how I am supposed to witness my child go through this and be powerless to stop it from happening. She has a therapist who she does talk to, but I am completely shut out. It feels like all I do is call the local DV crisis line and cry... I'm so glad there are resources there for me - and for her when she chooses to take advantage of them - but this is SO HARD and I can't imagine how I'm going to get through the next few hours, days, weeks, months...

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