Fitness Minutes: (301,103)
1/9/14 11:00 A
I agree. I think we all have unresolved issues we can't always get past. That's why there are therapists ! LOL !!!
I do have a situation. My cousin (whom I loved dearly) had at least one unresolved issue she could not move past even with the help of her therapist. Long story short, she was secretary to a lawyer for 15+ years. When they started out together, they were a great team. Over the years, their working relationship started to break down to a point where it was becoming toxic for the both of them. She eventually quit and found work with a different lawyer.
Many times when we were together, we'd discuss her relationship with him. She didn't understand how or why their working relationship fell apart. I tried to explain to her that things like that happen. People change and so do relationships. She couldn't get past that. When she talked to her therapist, she showed her Christmas cards that she had kept for all those years. She had every single one the guy ever gave her. No, she wasn't in love with him. But, she kept trying to explain to her therapist (and me) that she wasn't the reason the relationship went south. She brought out all those cards as well as copies of her reviews to prove it. I told her, she needed to ditch the cards. Her therapist told her to ditch the cards. Did she ? I'm not sure.
Some days, I think my cousin just enjoyed being miserable. but that a whole different thread. LOL !!
Personally, I think I've been pretty good about moving on with my life. Can't dwell in the past, what's done is done. As I've said to members, we can't change the past, but we can influence and change the future.
I think it is common in everyone's lives and relationships that unresolved issues keep us from moving forward.
Fitness Minutes: (6,555)
1/6/14 2:09 P
There are a couple of incidences of burned bridges in my parent's generation between my parents' and one of their siblings. But my parents have encouraged me to try to contact the cousins from those branches but the anger/abuse from that side has still trickled down from the parents to my cousins. Sad.
But on the upside, my dad was able to reconnect with an uncle of his before the uncle died (30 year separation caused by misunderstanding perpetrated by my grandmother) and now I have a whole passel of second cousins my age.
Fitness Minutes: (128,645)
1/6/14 1:32 P
@Sheryl - my parents have been divorced close to 50 years. And mom is still holding a grudge!
my dad, on the other hand - he's so laid back. He says he learned so much when mom left him. He lost 'everything he cared about' (his wife & 2 daughters) because he was 'an immature jealous jerk'. He moved on years ago and learned that being jealous doesn't change a darn thing. If somebody is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Being jealous won't prevent it. And if they don't cheat and you're a jealous maniac, well you just make yourself and your SO miserable.
mom also cut ties with her sister many years ago. They were never close, but mom just completely cut her off. Sis & I really missed them (we lived with them for a year; we got very close to our cousins), so I sent a card to the last address I had. My uncle called me and told me that my aunt was in the hospital with serious health issues and dementia. I didn't get to see her before she died, but sis & I did drive out to Louisiana and see our uncle and 3 of our 4 cousins (one moved out of state). When I told mom her sis had died, she just said "I feel bad for Jerry (my uncle) & the girls". She always loved her BIL, but still won't contact him. YOUR SISTER IS DEAD. Let it go!
mom doesn't speak to her brother any more because "I always call him; he never calls me". Wow. THAT'S real mature. Fortunately when I found my aunt and uncle, mom's brother had moved out there to help take care of his sis. He and Jerry always got along, so he stayed. They have a lot in common and they are enjoying life.
meanwhile, mom's circle of friends/family just gets smaller and smaller. I'm pretty sure one day she'll get PO'd at me about something. Nothing I can do about it though!
Fitness Minutes: (52,391)
160 1/6/14 12:08 P
KJFitnessDude - I certainly can't say this happened in your case, but I had a similar situation when I got married. Everyone was acting awkward when I mentioned my wedding at bridge and I couldn't understand why since I had invited everyone there. AFTER the wedding, I told one of my friends I was disappointed she hadn't been able to make it. She said she never got an invitation. I KNOW I sent her one because I could clearly remember looking up her address (funny how we can drive somewhere and not remember the street or address). So either the post office blundered or, in her case, more likely a notoriously vicious neighbor who took joy in threats and destruction.
I have known 2 couples that went thru a bitter divorce and hung on to that feeling of betrayal even after the divorce was finalized. And neither case involved adultery. They were just fixated on feeling hurt and trying to hurt each other. It created a lot of baggage. I think they also wanted their friends to take sides and distance themselves from their ex's. That made a few of us very uncomfortable. The end result is that the anger they keep towards each other, ends up losing them a lot of friends they really need. Even if someone can't totally forgive the other person...they need to go on with their lives and find peace
Most of the time I have a tendency to "let go" or forgive past issues like my co-worker who bought a new house over the summer and told me she would invite me to her open house party in the fall (I even bought her a house warming gift) and though I saw her a couple times a week when school started she never made mention of it (I had even asked her how the house was coming along). Then sometime in October I saw on Facebook all the pictures from her open house party and in them were other fellow co-workers who I KNOW she wasn't that close to, I got mad at myself for even expecting to be invited and I soon got over it and gave her the gift a week later. I totally gave her a "pass" on the issue or at least that was my plan should she bring up that she forgot to invite me but it never came up and she thanked me for the gift. She never mentioned the open house party to me since then.
By Christmas I was totally over it and we're back to being joking buds again. But yeah, I'm thinking she never knew it bothered me and I didn't think it was important enough for me to get hold on to hurt feelings after all, what good would it have done?
Fitness Minutes: (128,645)
1/6/14 11:38 A
do you mean 'agree to disagree and move on'?
even if it's only subconscious, if you are holding on to anger or hurt you will never be able to truly move on.
There are some things that take me way too long to forgive, but eventually it happens. And when it does, the clouds part, the sun shines, and I can feel tension floating away.
you only hurt yourself by hanging on to that stuff. The person who you feel has slighted you likely couldn't care less. You're still thinking about them every day, and they don't even recall the issue.
whatever it takes for you to do it - find a way to just let it go
(that's the general 'you', not directed at my '7 habits' buddy!)