be careful -- if he continues to be nervous -- it can become controlling - reassure him that you love him just as he is and if he wants to come along great - if not great just don't try and hold you back. My ex was "nervous" and sabotaged me every chance he got - it was a very negative interaction.
We do it as a family, I eat extremely low carb for health reasons as well as weight loss and my husband makes healthier choices that include healthy carbs for him and the kids. we support each other and encourage our kids to be active and eat less processed foods, rare occasion eat out and NO NO fast foods.
Kes...I can't specifically comment on you relationship but I have seen the majority of couples grow apart when one changes their lifestyle (not just weight loss) and the other one does not. He probably has seen this as well and that is why he is nervous. Unfortunately he is not nervous enough to make his own changes. My advice is communication but make sure you keep heading down the path of health and wellness regardless if he is on board or not.
My man has been very supportive of me. He even checks me if I attempt to eat something that I know I shouldn't. He doesn't tempt me to eat bad foods and he doesn't make me feel bad for being in the gym so much. The support is amazing.
Fitness Minutes: (4,160)
10/2/12 10:55 A
My husband has been my greatest advocate, until last week. All of a sudden he is trying to tempt me with foods that I no longer consider good for me. He has also started to say, you shouldn't lose any more. I have 15 lbs to my goal and the doctor is pleased with my progress. I can see a little sabotage trying to happen here.
I have found that my boyfriend has been very supportive in my process. At one time, he too, became more active in trying to get fit himself. He has since not continued his quest but I have. He still is supportive and encourages me when I get discouraged at times. He is already at a healthy weight and size and does make me feel like he will accept me whether I succeed at this goal or not.
I lived alone for 4 years before getting married 2 years ago. I did great living alone. I had healthy and active friends and kept only good things in good portions in my apartment. Then I got married. My husband grew up with a completely opposite lifestyle (always an open bag of M&Ms on the counter, among other things) and I do not do well with temptation, so its been a hard journey for me. But he recently started going to the gym with me and is more thoughtful in his food choices. My biggest frustration is our calorie allowances, his is twice mine! He can easily have a cookie or candy or ice cream, while the smallest thing for me pushes me over and doesn't allow me to get enough of the good stuff. So my current struggle are the temptations!
But he does support me in many other ways. He'll buy me a new exercise shirt as a surprise and comes to almost all my races. He is very proud of me and says I've inspired his recent desire to be more fit himself. And that in turn inspires me
10/2/12 6:50 A
at first my husband supported my weight loss...Then when i reached goal weight, he felt insecure at first and made comments about me dressing too young or looking like I wanted a date. He told me I was too thin. I stood up to him and then dropped it. I have continued to stay the goal weight. After 1 year, he has accepted it and lost weight himself.
Believe in yourself and your goals. Keep pursuing them
My ex was terrible and terrible for me on so many levels. One of the worst things about him is he had absolutely no regard for his health. He smoked, when we met he was drinking every day (something I only learned later), he ate enormous portions and he refused to do any sort of activity. On a day off, he could watch four movies in a row and only move from the bed to eat and use the restroom.
Eventually I started to resent him and his laziness, especially when I noticed all of our late-night eating and bad food choices were expanding my butt and my waistline. I knew if I didn't get rid of him, I would be dead within 10 years. I've seen him only once since we broke-up earlier this summer and he looked horrible. I swear he had gained weight in the three weeks I had not seen him. Bottom line is you can't worry about this. You have to continue moving forward. Hopefully he will come around but it's up to him to overcome that insecurity.
Edited by: LANEYTHEGIRL at: 10/2/2012 (03:19)
Fitness Minutes: (1,876)
10/2/12 2:39 A
I have a lot of friend's who deal with the same thing. All you can do is reassure him that you love him, are attracted to him, and his weight will not change that. I know you probably already do that, but sometimes we gotta just keep doing it and doing it til they get it! My significant other is really insecure too, and he always thinks I'll leave him for someone else. He's not overweight, but just really insecure. I just reassure him and he moves on...For the time being!!! lol then it's back to reassurance again.
10/1/12 11:24 P
it seems like my husband can eat whatever he wants and be fine me on the other hand i gain weight easy, why it's just not fair.
My husband is a thin man...always struggling to put weight on.
He is supportive and understands how hard it is for me...but I have to also understand how hard it is for him.
Talk about will power. Sometimes, i have none...but since tracking my calories...It's becoming much easier to be more realistic.
Fitness Minutes: (35,554)
10/1/12 3:05 P
I had the same issue of my husband not being on board yet when I made the changes to become a healthier person. He will participate when he is ready. It was a good 6 months after I started making changes for myself that my husband got on board. I agree with others that your boyfriend sounds insecure. As far as including him with your healthy choices, don't be pushy. When you fix dinner, don't brag about how healthy it is- just enjoy it together. Look for new recipes to try out together- maybe the new experiences together will make it seem less scary that you're doing something different. I wouldn't push the weight issue as much as the fact that you want to be healthy. Hopefully, he will come around eventually. I'm sure he doesn't want to be overweight forever, but he needs to decide that whenever he is ready to.
My husband is very supportive of my weight-loss efforts, but once in awhile he bluntly asks, "Are you going to get all skinny and fit and leave me?" He's kind of kidding, but he's kind of not. I reassure him that I'm not, and emphasize that it's not just about wanting to look better, I want to be healthy and live a long life too.
And what is it about men and whole wheat pasta? One day I made a delicious low-calorie dinner, and I asked him to tell me honestly how he liked it. He said, "It was good, but... um... sometimes I like pasta that isn't whole wheat." OK.
Fitness Minutes: (16,008)
224 10/1/12 2:18 P
My fiancee is supportive in the sense that he will pay for races, but he doesnt avoid eating or buying garbage like donettes. Luckily, I do all the grocery shopping, and he just has to eat what I cook. The main problem for me is when he buys beer, snacks, or wants to go out to dinner. I have my weak spots, but I am working on them.
Sometimes I do really good avoiding it, and other times I just cant stop myself.
Hopefully, one day it wont bother me. Or he will decide to get healthy with the rest of the family. Our kids are pretty good. My son is the healthiest eater I know!
10/1/12 1:47 P
I so agree that "show" don't tell (or worse, nag) is the ticket to nudging our partners along on our healthy paths.
My SO is very supportive of my exercise regime, but the healthy eating stuff is a lot harder for him. The look on his face when I made brown rice for him was absolutely priceless!! Since he does the majority of the cooking at home, I tend to focus on healthy meals for breakfast and lunch, and reasonable portions of whatever he makes for dinner. And on the days when I'm cooking, it doesn't hurt my feelings if he makes faces and ends up going out to pick up something else for him to eat an hour later.
Emotionally he's supportive as well. He doesn't go overboard with it, but he knows I do my weekly weigh in on Monday morning and asks always makes a point of asking how my morning was on that day, to which I generally reply with either 'up' or 'down'. He doesn't want to know how much, he's just showing that he's paying attention.
That being said, he also could stand to lose a little weight, and has mentioned it numerous times. But he's just not ready to make the effort quite yet. We do have an agreement to restrict the trigger foods we bring into the house though, since we both have different trigger foods. But he's definitely not ready to implement an exercise regimen or really restrict his diet in any way, shape or form.
Unlike Kes' BF, he doesn't have concerns about me finding someone else if I lose weight. He loves the idea of having a hot and sexy GF and likes to tease me about becoming 'arm candy' for him.
My advice, for what it's worth, for those dealing with significant others who are not being supportive, or who seem to be afraid of the changes they're seeing in their spouses...like others have already said, just continue to be yourself. Set an example by living the way you want to live.
I don't make a big deal about my morning workouts, but I get up every morning and do them, and he knows it. I don't make a big deal about avoiding certain foods, I just don't put myself in a situation where I'm exposed to them. And if he brings something home that I'm trying to avoid, I share it with everyone and tell him thank you for thinking of me.
And as for him being nervous about you losing the weight and perhaps moving on....tell him point blank that he's not the weight you're trying to lose.
I have something sorta similar happening in my relationship too. My boyfriend has talked about getting in shape for two years, but to be honest he hasn't really done anything towards that goal other than talk about it. After a year of talking about it I finally had enough and started cutting foods that have given me weight problems in the past that I had become lax about and I started lifting weights and running.
He saw me making these changes and sticking to them while he still only talks about eating healthier and adopting a more active lifestyle like he used to have. I've become more confident because I feel proud that I've improved my fitness level and I think that shows in my demeanor. For the last several months he's been making off hand comments more or less stating that he feels I could find someone better than him.
I think these comments are rooted in insecurity over his own body/appearance more so than any changes in my body (I mean I've only lost about 10 pounds I still wear the same pants size and everything so I don't really think it's because I suddenly have a banging body now). The sad answer is that if your boyfriend's reactions are based in insecurity over himself (it sounds to me that his reactions are based in insecurity) the only thing you can really do is assure him that you love him and accept him as he is. Now he may believe you or not, but you did what you could. Dealing with insecurity in my experience is one of those issues that are really hard to solve since no one can cure your insecurity/self esteem issues for you.
Fitness Minutes: (33,889)
245 9/30/12 11:12 P
Great quote DIANAHALLOCK!
As far as my beloved, I better not get started. Let's just say he supports me in his own way.
Fitness Minutes: (16,255)
9/30/12 10:53 P
My hubby was supportive the first 18 months...then had a health issue and now he is completely on board. My brother and SIL have recently gotten on board as well so the family functions are much healthier!!! Now if my mom would just decide to lose some weight and eat healthier...Also, my staff has been very supportive....
Fitness Minutes: (6,975)
99 9/30/12 10:44 P
My boyfriend is trying to lose weight as well. He and I differ though on how we're going to do it. I'm old fashioned, good diet and exercise. He's basing it completely on his diet, mainly because he works in a warehouse and is on his feet for ten hours a day, four days a week. So he thinks he doesn't need to exercise on his days off. He is also very anti veggie and pro snacking. He also thinks that because something is lower in fat and calories that he can eat lots of it. For example, he loves chips, so instead of eating regular chips, he eats baked ones, but goes through a bag in about two days. And he's wondering why I lost seven pounds so far and he lost almost nothing....
The only thing he really teases me about is now it takes me longer to cook food since I either steam or microwave veggies as sides. Other than that he's very supportive. I just wish I could cut out his chips and no exercise ethic.
Fitness Minutes: (48,271)
9/30/12 7:42 P
What a great quote!
Fitness Minutes: (21,534)
9/30/12 5:58 P
My favorite relationship quote....
"When you stop expecting from someone what they can't give you, you can begin to appreciate what they do have to offer."
Appreciate your partners great trait....all the things that attracted you in the first place.
Don't dwell on their failings...you can't change them.
Fitness Minutes: (18,847)
821 9/30/12 11:44 A
Most of my challenges come from my colleagues who are always trying to tell me that the one bite is not going to hurt me or if I don't workout today it is not going to hurt me. But I have tried and continue to tell them how important it is for me. My family and fiance are very supportive and they encourage me very much!!!
9/30/12 8:33 A
I agree, joking is super. I do not mean to say we are wringing our hands...! It is not all bad to see a bit of a jealous flare from my husband! Means he thinks I am still hot (-: Great the two of you are so alligned and supportive.
I am fortunate that my hubby and i (we've been together 18 years next month) have been on the same journey to loose weight. I prepare most of the dinners so we share the same healthy choices. For lunch, i pack my lunches so i know i am eating good foods. Hubby buys his lunches BUT makes the effort to eat healthy. We joke and taunt each other that when we are in better shape that we will find other people. WE KNOW IT"S A JOKE. So, in other words, i haven't felt what you are going through.
9/30/12 8:03 A
I have been married 27 years and being able to laugh and still appreciate vulnerability in one another without sabatoging our selves is so fundamental. I think it is just human to get a bit scared when a beloved changes. We need to pay attention and grow with it.
9/30/12 7:37 A
What I have not read in these post is the word, "acceptance," though it is hinted at. You be yourself and do whatever it is you are going to do. You be yourself, he makes choices that honor his values and goals. Then if you can each accept the other as you are, then you might want to consider the next step in the relationship. In the area of fitness and health you appear to be the leader of the team. You need to know how he responds to that leadership as it says much about the relationship. The issue goes beyond the area of fitness and exercise and reaches to the spiritual, emotional, financial, and educational goals.
For example, what happens when you go to church and he does not? What if you decided to continue your education and gain marketable skills and can earn more than him? Or choose another area where you want to make a change. How he responds to change in you, and how you respond to change in him, is significant to the health of the relationship since relationships are dynamic and changing. If you choose to marry, there will be changes in areas of your life as you go through life together. Is your relationship strong enough to meet those changes? Only time and experience together can answer that.
The issue is beyond fitness and exercise. Maybe the question is, "Can both of you accept the other as you are?" Can he accept your making changes to be a stronger person both inside and out? You won't know until you continue on your path to healthy changes.
It is heartwarming to read that you are considerate of his feelings, determined to pursue your own goals and direction, and committed to him. You sound like a nice person whom I would like to meet.
I hope something written here is helpful to someone.
9/30/12 6:39 A
My husband and I both work at fitness and good eating habits, but even so we are sometimes going about it differently. He eats what I cook but always adds his own dessert. He likes to eat out more often so sometimes goes to breakfast without me. Today we will walk and kayak together. It works best when we respect each others choices and enjoy the times we do things together. Sometimes he says if I look too good he is afraid I will run off with someone new! I would not, but I do think partners/friends who seem to sabatoge weight loss are afraid of being left behind. My husband was kidding, but I think he still feels that tug sometimes.
Fitness Minutes: (52,553)
9/29/12 2:31 P
I wish I could help you, but I'm at a loss, since when I lost weight when I was in a relationship, I was dating a man who was fairly fit and very supportive of my efforts.
However, now that I'm single and finishing up this journey, if I do date again, the man in question MUST already have healthy habits. I don't have the time or energy to deal with someone who isn't already putting in the time and effort that I am into a healthy lifestyle. It's too important to me to squander.
Fitness Minutes: (39,952)
9/29/12 12:29 P
I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, so I really do not have someone to share my weight loss with. I do have a couple of good friends who are trying to lose weight with me. One is very encouraging and will go walking with me. The other is a little jealous of me. I have lost weight and I have been exercising consistently, but she hasn't. At times I feel as though she is secretly wishing that I would not lose weight!
Fitness Minutes: (261,445)
2,243 9/29/12 12:18 P
My husband does his thing, and I do mine. As for dinnertime--he either eats what I cook (which is healthy)--or he's on his own to find food. Period.
Fitness Minutes: (7,513)
899 9/29/12 10:58 A
Fitness Minutes: (2,168)
746 9/29/12 8:58 A
I just do my thing and spark it UP!
Fitness Minutes: (41,738)
523 9/29/12 12:33 A
I guess I'm pretty blessed- my Beloved and I both are conscious about making healthier choices. We occasionally will buy each other unhealthy foods that we know to be "trigger foods" (like he buys me cheese puffs or candy corn), but even then we urge each other to have self control and practice moderation.
Boyfriend and I have had our fair share of ups and downs in the relationship, and we've learned how to better give and receive support- that plays a big part in it. I agree with AndreaG89. You need to talk to him about it and say you need HIS support. Realize that while it is YOUR journey, your partner is a part of you- and you him- and thus it also becomes HIS journey. What you experience, he also experiences- but his interpretation, his cognition, those can be vastly different from yours. Not to put more stress on you, but it is partially your responsibility as his partner to help him all you can in realizing the best in him. And that means talking to HIM about the issues you two are having.
Fitness Minutes: (21,299)
552 9/29/12 12:11 A
I have a different approach - I'd ask him to be supportive because it really matters to you.
Your getting-healthy initiative is not about him, it's about you. You're doing it for you, for longevity, to feel better about yourself. You want/"need" his support, and he should be willing to give it to you if he loves you and understands the importance of you meeting your goals, regardless of whether he's ready to jump on board with you to make changes himself.
I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade, but it's really important for significant others to be supportive of you whether they join in or not. It's hard when they're insecure, when they see your confidence rise and they feel badly about themselves.
Don't stay quiet about your goals. Get the support of everyone who is supportive and loving of you so they can keep you up when you may feel like quitting.
Hope I didn't offend. You will always have LOTS of support here on SparkPeople!!!
Fitness Minutes: (760)
45 9/28/12 6:14 P
Thanks for the help. I'll definitely stop making such a big deal about my change in front of him and just do it a little more "quietly". I'll also make sure I assure him that I'm committed. Thanks!
Fitness Minutes: (13,280)
9/28/12 3:36 P
He is not nervous, he is panicked. You will either grow apart due to like styles or he will eventually pick up your lifestyle. Either way it will work itself out. If you have the conviction to stay on course and let him know your committed to the relationship he will come around. That sounds harsh, but as a 50 year old man I have seen this numerous times.
oh men. you may have heard this so many times but I do believe it to be true, men will only change when THEY are ready. It sounds like you have the right approach not to be pushy because I think being pushy can make matters worse. But I would just keep doing what you are doing, live by example, and do your best to reassure him that you are NOT going to leave him. Try to talk it out with him to get at what's underlying those comments, whether he doesn't understand why you're trying to lose some weight or whether he's insecure about some irrelevant aspect of the relationship.
For me personally, I've had hints of the same issue with my boyfriend. But, we realized we each thought it about each other, so it's just ironic! Now I get "nervous" about the fact that I approach exercise differently than him (if I start a workout, I FINISH it, he's a baby and if he's struggling he says oh i got enough of a workout and stops, and he doesn't think it is important to workout as much as i do) and because we approach it differently, i think it somehow means we are fundamentally different and it won't work. But I realize on some level this is irrational, and I digress...but my point is you have to try and realize where each other is coming from and whether it's actually an issue.
Best of luck, keep it up!
Fitness Minutes: (2,031)
1,730 9/28/12 2:58 P
Th ex would litterally push ding dongs in my face to get me to break my diet...insecurity.
Shut up about it. I mean that in the kindest possible way, but just don't ever say another word about weight loss or healthy habits. If he's even a tiny bit sensitive about his weight, anything you say is very likely to sound like criticism, even if you absolutely don't mean it that way. Keep on improving your own habits, but don't talk to him about your successes or frustrations, and when you plan meals together, always say, "I'm more in the mood for X" or "I like X better," NOT "X would be healthier" or "I can't have Y on my diet." Eventually he'll realize that there is absolutely no pressure on him, and that will make him many times more likely to follow your lead.
It's all about not making him feel like you're trying to change him. Nobody really likes it when somebody tries to change them,but I think men hate it a lot more than women do.
Fitness Minutes: (17,448)
2,116 9/28/12 2:43 P
My husband is really supportive as we both need to lose weight but we're both each other's enemies because we see something we know the other would like and buy it as a "surprise" and we've sabotaged ourselves. Sigh...
Fitness Minutes: (2,692)
9/28/12 2:03 P
@emmaekay. My boyfriend is the same way about the pasta! We've looked at a couple differnent whole grain pasta and he just gets this priceless look on his face. Other than that he has been super supportive about me eating healthy and always makes sure we get plenty of things I can eat. He of course still gets some of his faves and I also get some things he won't eat. So it evens out. But he has switched with me to whole grain bread and brown rice and let's me cook the chicken and stuff my way and things like that. I was actually surprised because I thought he was just going to give me a hard time. But now he's picking up on some of y healthy habits too. :)
Edited by: ANGELINAMB at: 9/28/2012 (14:04)
Fitness Minutes: (11,796)
5,855 9/28/12 11:52 A
I had an interesting experience a week or so ago. We were in Seattle for my granddaughters wedding and of course we met with our favorite group of old friends. All of them pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight. Apparantly they still see me as fat and they were OK with that. Hmmm.
Fitness Minutes: (20,942)
305 9/28/12 11:47 A
Whenever you make a big change to yourself, people around you will wonder if those changes will include - or not include - them. This is especially true for people who are insecure about the relationship you have with them, or about themselves in general. There is very, very little you can do to change other people's reactions.
My own bf is a very self-secure man, and so he's been able to be very supportive, or at least hands-off about the situation. There have been conflicts, though. The man just does not like whole wheat pasta or low-sodium ANYTHING! hahahaha So we've compromised on small things, while keeping the bigger picture in hand.
All you can do is continue on your path to health, and make yourself the number one priority in your life. Continue to be yourself and to be there with and for him - do new things together as well as on your own. Getting healthy can be a way to strengthen your relationship.
Talk to him about his attitude, and let him know that just because you're getting healthier doesn't mean your feelings about him have changed. Let him know it's not about HIM at all - it's about you. That you want him to be a part of your life, but that you don't want to hear him talk about you leaving him just because you drop a few pounds. That's pretty disrespectful to the relationship and I'd call him out on it. Communication is the only way to fix stuff like this.
I definitely have found that this current streak of better health, diet and exercise has gone so much smoother because this time my wife and I are in it together.
Fitness Minutes: (760)
45 9/28/12 10:55 A
I'm sure everyone who changes their lifestyle finds that there are challenges specifically related to relationships. Some people in your life may not be as supportive as others. Well, my biggest challenge is my boyfriend. He seems to support me losing weight because he also wants to lose weight. However, I find that when I do really well he gets almost...nervous. Maybe that's not the right word for it, but that's how I take it. He is very self conscious due to being overweight himself, and he makes comments about me getting into better shape and leaving him. I'm trying to include him in on my healthy choices without being pushy, but I just don't think he's ready to change yet. Has anyone else dealt with this, and if so, how did you handle it?