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JIACOLO SparkPoints: (552,346)
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4/19/13 8:45 P

As sad as it seems, especially to the kids, you cannot even begin to understand what your sister-in-law was going through in that moment that she chose that. My brother signed over custody of his kids to his ex years ago. Many people, including myself, condemned him for this. Everyone said "I could never do that!", but really you just don't know. It took me a long time to stop casting a stone in his direction and accept that at that moment he felt he was doing the best he could for his girls. And for over 20 years he had to live with that decision and not have his girls in his life. I know that was painful for him, as well as the girls.

RENATA144 SparkPoints: (207,563)
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4/19/13 8:38 P

As awful as abandoning kids is I'd rather the woman walk away than murder her kids.

4/19/13 7:17 P

"Motherhood isn't for all women. There is no "natural/nurturing" drive in women. That notion is a myth, delivered by our culture."

This statement may be true, but isn't it ironic that most female mammals have some sort of natural "mothering" instinct at least until the young can make it on its own?"

Well, seeing as most every mammal has instances of the mother eating their young, and yes, abandoning them... how many times do we see in the internet news that baby lions, pandas, polar bears, have been abandoned by their mother in the Zoo, and the Zoo keepers must step in to take care of them. I've had various friends with pet rabbits and cats that will eat their new borns, for whatever reasons. (And these are not the animals' first litters either) While the female body may be biologically programmed to care for children, women do not all have the emotional ability or personality for children.

People do horrible things to children. In a world where father's rape their own daughters, mother's prostitute their young girls, and parents murder their children to get revenge on their spouse... people should really think more carefully before they choose to have children. Children are not accessories. And girls should really be educated on what will be required of them when they have children. Having children is so glamorized by our media, and no one tells those young women just how HARD motherhood can be.

I'm sorry about your SIL's daughter, and her own children. I hope they will find the peace and love they deserve.

LIMIT81 Posts: 332
4/19/13 8:44 A

I work in a correctional facility and a vast majority of the females that I speak to regarding their children will talk to you like they love their children so much, yet when they think you aren't listening, you'll here them talk to other inmates of what their plans are when they get out and it doesn't include their kids at all.

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
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4/19/13 7:50 A

As a mom I couldn't imagine being seperated from my child.

IRISHFANUH87 Posts: 1,038
4/17/13 11:55 A

It's sad how it ends up in a cycle, one gets abandoned and then they turn around and do the same thing...just sad

GERARLAUR Posts: 341
4/17/13 11:45 A

Are we all so surprised at something like this? It is a tragedy.

CHERYLHURT Posts: 60,744
4/17/13 11:09 A

So sad...

FIRECOM SparkPoints: (0)
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4/17/13 11:08 A

Any woman can be a "mother" but not all can be a MOM.

GRAMMAOF16 SparkPoints: (16,752)
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4/17/13 10:33 A


I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
4/17/13 9:55 A

Cheetara- you have a point but this was about females.

I am all for placing your child with someone who can care for them better, but to up and leave and force someone to take care of them is another story. Adoption is great, so many loving people have a chance to have a family otherwise they might not have. I do think the whole adoption things could be revised. If they didn't put such high price tags on children I would have adopted and that would have been one or to less children the state has to pay for and a few children who would have had constant love and securityin a family that loves them.

CHEETARA79 Posts: 3,911
4/17/13 8:38 A

I know of a lot more men who have abandoned their kids than women... Just saying.

SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,271)
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4/17/13 7:26 A

"Motherhood isn't for all women. There is no "natural/nurturing" drive in women. That notion is a myth, delivered by our culture."

This statement may be true, but isn't it ironic that most female mammals have some sort of natural "mothering" instinct at least until the young can make it on its own? Maybe by the very biologic nature of humans, we are to be "taught" how to be loving, protective parents, in part by participating in a culture where that is what is expected. Maybe it is not instinctive. And maybe some never learn it.

I don't have any problem with those who recognize they shouldn't be parents and who take measures to assure they won't be (either by birthcontrol or giving them up for adotion). I do have a problem with those who have children though, and keep the children, but abuse and/or fail to love them, and maybe at some point later decide to "abandon" them, when the child is old enough to suffer the extreme damage of that abandonment of the only parent(s) they have known. Whether it is instinctive or not, I feel all humans should be TAUGHT to be compassionate and considerate toward children (and other humans for that matter). If you don't want to take the time and devotion to parent a child yourself, the only humane thing to do would be to find a way to get that child into a loving home.

Humans that bring children into this world and then leave them to danger and resent them every day and fail to really "parent" them are beyond dispicable to me and I do not accept the excuse they were not born with any parenting instincts. We were probably not born with an instinct not to go and steal everything out of our neighbor's house either, but there should be some things we learn in a supposedly civilized culture. One of these things should be if you bring a baby into this world, you are absolutely obligated to LEARN to love and properly protect and parent it, or make sure it is adopted out to somebody else who will love and parent it.

JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (575,480)
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4/16/13 11:15 P

All I can say is anybody who abandons their children can NOT ever be called a MOTHER!!!!!

EOWYN2424 Posts: 9,108
4/16/13 11:14 P

I'm 40 and still single. I know I could never be a good mother. I can't anyway, coz of health problems. But I chose to be single and childless! It's my choice! I may get married if I found the right man but I still choose not to have kids. Even if I do, they will be adopted but if I DO adopt, I will make sure he/she will feel loved ALWAYS!!!!

JO88BAKO SparkPoints: (316,837)
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4/16/13 10:54 P

I was adopted and consider myself so very lucky. I had the greatest parents anyone could ever wish for.

FENWAYGIRL18 Posts: 5,868
4/16/13 8:49 P

I do know of some women that have chosen careers over their kids and another that had a baby and one day she just left for no reason never to be heard from again her husband was devastated but she really didn't want to be a mom I guess and he wasn't prepared to be both dad and mom and so although he paid for the child he had her live with his dad (her grandfather) and now takes credit for raising her, he also chose work and going to the gym over a child that needed love and attention.
Speaking as a woman who did have a mother but never felt loved by her and was put through hell, I think I'd of rather been given up as a child to someone who could of loved me the way I deserved to be loved.
In spite of my up bringing (both parents) I've broken the mold , it can be done I have a wonderful son who is fully loved and told so since the day he was born he's heard the words I love you every single day!
It's unfortunate that just because a woman has a baby that they don't just come with those motherly instincts and show love, I've found that being on here that there were so many just mentally abused by their moms if not worse.
Every child deserves love , no one asks to be born it's a shame when you can't feel the love from the two people who created you.
I can see if a woman gives a child up for adoption she knows she's not ready to be a mom and is trying to be a good person by giving a child a good life...
I know I could never of abandoned my son, I'd die for him if it came down to saving his life I'd gladly give up mine. He's my heart , I wish all mother's felt that way and I know a lot do I just know mine didn't.....

Edited by: FENWAYGIRL18 at: 4/16/2013 (20:51)
SLENDERELLA61 SparkPoints: (299,492)
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4/16/13 8:33 P

Yes, I've known people both personally and professional who abandoned or surrendered their babies or children. Many of them chose better lives for their children because they could not provide emotionally, financially, or in any other way. Some just did what they had to do due to incarceration, illness (including mental illness), rehab/drugs/alcohol or court involvement. I've also seen people work very hard to get their children back from foster care.

4/16/13 8:19 P

As a social worker, I can attest to the post about society's myth of mothering drives. some kids are better without their less than equipped parenting. parenting is sticking hard, and not everyone can do it.

4/16/13 6:43 P

Motherhood isn't for all women. There is no "natural/nurturing" drive in women. That notion is a myth, delivered by our culture. Some women have babies and realize that being a mother isn't for them. That's just the way it is.

I for one would rather that woman you know leave her child with people who will love and care for it, than make it suffer through a loveless childhood, possibly filled with neglect and abuse. I also hope that the woman in question has truly learned that motherhood isn't for her, and prevents any unwanted births in the future.

I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
4/16/13 5:13 P

SUZIE- She probably will never take responsibility for her actions, and she has no excuse even if the husband was controlling. No one comes before a mother's children. She seems so mixed up that she can't even get her time frame straight. Liars lose track of eveything trying to juggle their lies.

SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,271)
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4/16/13 4:57 P

It is hard for me to understand how some humans can be so awful.
My ex SIL abandoned her kids but at least they were teens by the time she did it. Needless to say, I believe she was a horrible mother in the years leading up though.

She divorced my brother and took off. Did not attend their son's high school graduation, and did not attend the wedding of either child even though my brother made sure she got notice they were being married if she was interested (she wasn't). She did not acknowledge them on holidays or any other time.

Well, after being gone for about ten years, she has reappeared in her grown children's lives, especially the daughter since the daughter lives in close proximity. As I would expect, she is filling the DD's head full of sh!% about how she had remarried and her H was "controlling" and would not allow her to have anything to do with her children.

Isn't that funny? (Sarcasm). She most certainly met and married this man at some point AFTER she completely abandoned and stopped talking to her children. Well, now it seems the marriage is not working out and she contacted her kids with her sob story on how she is a "victim." I don't buy it for a second. I could go on and on but I saw and heard some of the crap she did during those 20 years married to my brother, and and that woman is no victim. She is a selfish, narcissistic, shallow woman without parenting instincts and lacking empathy for all humans.

Edited by: SUZIEQUE77 at: 4/16/2013 (16:59)
DIDS70 Posts: 5,368
4/16/13 12:27 P

Our church had a talk on human trafficking. Needless to say it was hard to listen too. However the one staggering statistic that was shared was that 35% of families sell their children. Actually i would probably have rather been abandoned. Then at least i MAY have a chance at life.
But it is sad when it happens.

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,446
4/16/13 12:26 P

being abandoned leaves scars... sometimes people never recover.
The best anyone can do is to try being a 'godparent' to the child left behind and show them there are people who care about them and that they are important.
We never know if there are mental issues that people have, that were never diagnosed. Using drugs certainly doesn't help... I often wonder what pushes people in that direction.
We all make choices in this world...and we are responsible for our choices. But sometimes I wonder if things might have been different if those people had met someone earlier in their lives who believed in them.

I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
4/16/13 11:41 A

I applaud you for that. My mom was there as a mother but abusive at times and still is at age 78, she stayed with my dad who was abusive. My dad passed away almost 8 years ago. I choose to not be like either of them in that way.

ANGELRNC SparkPoints: (558)
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4/16/13 11:27 A

When I was fifteen my mother picked drugs over me. It is the worse thing a mother can do, I still care about my mother but can barely speak to her without crying. It got to the point where either I had to get out of that house or die. It is a very difficult thing but I am going to make sure that I turn out nothing like her.

I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
4/16/13 11:05 A

Do you know any Mother that abandoned their kids? My SIL did ,she left her 3 month old baby girl at her Mom's house and never came back after her. My MIL told me the whole story how she would call her and beg her to be a mom to her baby, but she just would not. The same mom who abandoned her went on and had two other kids. She raised them but because she stayed with the dad and he wouldn't let her give them away. She might as well, as they lived horribly and was left with grandparents for long periods of time. Now the daughter who got abandoned has three boys and she abandoned them. She knew first hand on how it effected her and the bad feelings, emotional scars etc. but now she did the same to three boys. I am disgusted, and yes drugs involved with both Moms I just mentioned, also they were spoiled while being raised with no consequences..

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