If you have hope, things can get better. The best advice I was ever told was that there are three circles in a marriage, they don't all have to be the same size, but all three need to be important (1) family, (2) you and your husband and (3) yourself. Sometimes we forget to tend to one of these, and we find one of those circles is empty. Look inside yourself, and work on you. Take time to talk to your husband, maybe he feels left out. Most the time we give all our attention to our family, and push the other two to the side.
Marriage is hard work, and we all have our good times and bad. It's much easier to give up, then to honor your commitment for better or worse. Dedication to making your marriage work will pay off, and be more rewarding than you can imagine.
i would wear a sexy night gown and crawl into bed with him either when he wakes up or lies down.
i would get a baby sitter and join him on his man dates.
even if it was walking the mall i would get a sitter for the kids and walk the mall holding hands.
you need to find ways to put the spark back into your marriage. trying to raise children alone is hard. if your not working he only has to pay you 21 percent of his income if you divorce for two children. can you live on that ?
I agree with the others about doing small things to enhance your marriage. Try setting up a candle light dinner for him or try buying a new piece of lingerie. Be creative. Maybe if he sees a positive change in your attitude, hopefully his will change too. Plan time together where nothing is planned during that time. It is specifically time for the two of you to do something fun.
I agree that you need to try and do little things to keep it fun like bring home a little flower when you are out grocery shopping, or if you pack a lunch for him leave an "I love you" note for him in his bag. I know that this sounds cheesy, but it may bring a smile to his face when he sees it. I also think that know that you are changing things as far as the way that you look at yourself in the mirror you need to look at yourself as an attractive person and maybe make a special night where you can dress "sexy" and have a "date night" out together without the kids. Just my suggestion. If you have a problem with his spending, sit down and talk to him, try and stay calm because raising your voice will only cause him to become upset as well.
After 43 years, almost 44 years of marriage, I have learned the tricks of keeping excitement in the marriage. The most important thing is to do the unexpected thing on occasion. It might be something as simple as a flower cut from your flower bed or trying a new recipe that you think your spouse will like to a new gown or pj set. It will make all the difference and doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful and sincere.
Fitness Minutes: (6,492)
4,387 5/27/09 11:18 A
I am the opposite in work schedules. I work second and third shifts on a rolling every three week deal. He works all day and commutes 2 hours daily. We see each other on Saturdays only. We try to make Saturday nights our "date" nights, but lately they've been the same date nights with basically aruging over SD and what she's in trouble with and then we talk finances and by the time all that's done, we're too pooped to enjoy each other's company. Shoot - one day, we tried not to talk about anything else and we sat in quiet. Sounds stupid, eh?
We're kinda in that situation where our marriage is in "trouble," and I figured I'd try to figure out something as well as he. He has about 2-3 days off during the week where he comes home early. Because of where I work, and the economy, they have asked their employees to take time off here and there to help with the pays. So, I told him that I would try to be home earlier some nights, so that I'm not coming home at 2am like I always do. Already last week, I came home one night at 9pm and another really early at 6pm. It seemed like a load off of our shoulders just to go to bed at the same time and just cuddle next to one another. I can't do that one the weeks I work nights, like this one, but the other two weeks I can. It seems to have worked out a little bit, but then I get behind on my work at work. Now, I'm just waiting for him to suggest something that he can do to help our marriage.
I would suggest in addition to talking to your husband. The two of you set up a "date" night, once a month/twice a month. And outline how often, he can do "guy" nights and you can do "girl" nights.
My husband and I have a standard agreement, that if either of us want to spend more than $20 on a item we talk about it first, i.e. can we afford it at this time. We plan and save for the big things. But talking about the bigger items, there is no blame after the fact about how it impacted the budget.
Good Luck. And congratulations on changing and improving your own health and life.
5/20/09 12:09 P
As another person suggested, try talking to him.
You mention that he buys things that you don't need in the house. A lot of people do that. My question is who pays the bills, not who makes the money, but who is the accountant of the family. If it is you, lay out for him where the money is going and that the little extra in days like now need to be saved as a buffer. This does not mean no splurging every now and again, but it does me being mindful.
And the man dates, is healthy for him. Just like you need to reconnect with yourself and your friends. That is if you want that. Now you did not mention frequency. If it is all the time, then yes there is a larger problem.
I think you have lost interest in him because he has upset you. Typically women become disconnected from their mate because of other things that are upseting you and hence your sex drive for that person drops.
Some of it is sitting down and talking about it and some of it is letting it go (forgiving) and some of it is sitting down and figuring out what you need in a relationship and what you are not getting in this one. And be real with your needs vs wants in a relationship.
We all go through ups and downs in a marriage. We all have challenges with any relationship. Even the perfect ones or seemingly perfect.
If you do talk to him about this, which I highly encourage, make sure you do not talk it to death and that you do something to change the outcome. It is one thing to talk about it, but if you both are doing the same things you will get the same results and here you are. Even with just you changing something you can impact the outcome.
I am sorry for what you are going thru. I have a husband that is ill most of the time and he want do any thing but throw things up in my face when I try to talk to him so, I have stopped trying to talk to him about things that bothers me. I try to only answer his questions so that we do not get into a long drawed out talk. I am sorry that I can not help you with any possitive advice. But, I wish you all of the luck in the world. Keep your head up and if you still want your marriage please try to work on it.
I too have a husband that works 3rd shift. It makes for long nights. He quite often sleeps in the evenings. He can't ever seem to catch up. We have an 18 year old, 14 year old and a 8 year old we had together. It is work everyday. Some days I don't feel like doing the work and I just spend time with myself. I guess the difference is, I am super attracted to my husband. I am not good at this either, even though I have tried, is talking to him. Maybe a little at first. Ask him if things feel a little different with him lately. This could open the door for a heartfelt conversation. Do it when he is at his most rested.
Marriage is hard, hard work. Being a single parent is even harder. I've been both!
Have you thought about seeing a pastor or marriage counselor? I think you need up close and personal guidance to help you with your dilemma. I am wishing you well and I hope you find the resources that will help you.
I have always been a little bored in my marriage and I would love some advice.
We have been married 6 years now and things are still just ho-hum for me. here is the low down: I have started loosing weight on here because I was a very bad emotional eater, when I met my Hubby I was Chubby already (155 on 5'4") I was at my peak weight of 223 when I said enough is enough and started using this site. I have lost 12 lbs in 6 weeks. I have two toddlers one boy and one Girl. My Hubby is a third shift Worker and sleeps all day everyday has no time or energy I have to sleep alone most everynight in a cold bed. I had a bad abusive past on account of my parents He hates his job and has a very cloudy outlook on life.
While he is "proud of me" for loosing what I have lost he talks about ways to help better himself too but still seems largely unmotivated to do anything.
He seems more interested in screwing up our credit buying things we don't need and going on man dates with his guy pals who still life the guy life.
I have no Idea where I should go from here other than to say the thing that dries me the most insane is I am not excited by him anymore. He is doing a great job being a father, and a provider and supporting and encouraging me, but I just feel so disconnected lately.
Working out has helped so much lately but with the depression and the overeating gone, this is the reduction I am left with.
I ultimately want to make things better so what can I do to see if there is still anything here to work with?