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OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (252,239)
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4/15/13 10:35 A

@JGirl - interesting point about the online persona. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
No man can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true. ~Hawthorne

I tell my friends that if you are out with somebody who is rude to the wait staff, or they are rude to their parents...RUN. Eventually they are likely to treat you that way too!

FB and message boards often bring out the rude, mean, snarkiness, etc. in people. Many of them we never know IRL. But if you do, and you see that kind of wary!

4/15/13 9:13 A

Yup, "CHOICES"! I can't choose my height but I most CERTainly can choose my attitude and what to do with my body.

PARADIGM shift, if only everyone could do that this world would be a much better place, imo.

JGIRL5799 Posts: 561
4/14/13 10:02 P

I did a lot of those home businesses like amway and others and I TOTALLY LOVVVVVE ZIGGY.. with each business I was able to walk away with some sort of new people skills and it carried me throughout my life..I just wish my grammar was better LOLOL... My favorite came from a friend who is a millionaire and I was going through some tough things... he talked to me for a long while and I was able to walk away with a new attitude towards a lot of things..

He told me that you may never change situations, but you do have choices in attitudes and how you feel to how you react in your mood.. My choice is always to be positive and happy.

He is the bomb and is so right on so many issues and things..

I find it interesting with my friends with the company they keep.. what amazed me more is when I became friends with them on Facebook, it became evident and very clear about whom they were and what they posted , to liked.. over time the people who I thought they were are no longer those people but worse and those that were worse turned out better ..

It amazes me on what social media and networks do to others.. I just started coming away from Facebook due to mulitudes of drama and there was so much I could stand of from Grumpy cat.

I am always reminded of the country song and I claimed it as many theme songs for people......Brad Paisley - Online

Edited by: JGIRL5799 at: 4/14/2013 (22:03)
4/14/13 8:27 P

CORRECT! That's one of the best techniques. How one uses it is up to every individual though.

SIMPLYME160 SparkPoints: (1,834)
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4/14/13 7:47 P

Shhhh! Listen! I found most people love to talk, especially about themselves. Let Them do the talking while You listen. As you find out more about them and their interests, and if they are truely worth being your "friend", it will be easy to choose who is a real friend or a mere aquantiance.

EOWYN2424 Posts: 9,108
4/14/13 9:45 A

Yeah, I agree with Lilliputianna!

4/14/13 8:02 A

I don't think I've made this remark yet but I do believe that some folks possess natural people skills (like a talent). I am not one of them so when I was introduced to the whole concept of people skills I LOVED IT!

I feel the need to say this; people manipulate people all the time and lots of time it's without using ANY people skills so a friendly person who demonstrates good people skills shouldn't always be equated to them being a trickster or whatever.

RE: "Truth Speakers"
With these types I just try to listen and shut up. Far too often I find myself arguing with them and once that happens I suck at people skills because someone with honed people skills never lose their cool (or at least they shouldn't).

Another book I'd like to recommend:
"The One-Minute Manager"

CIRANDELLA SparkPoints: (0)
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4/13/13 8:04 P

KJ - NOTHING wrong with what you did. You were simply acknowledging the personhood of the other individual. If that's a technique you learned along the way from people who are adept at "people skills," so be it! Good for you...too often, people are treated like 'droids in contemporary society, and it's a real shame...

IYANKAWINDCM SparkPoints: (5,274)
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4/13/13 7:27 P

Great tips that I haven't tried in awhile...I can't wait to try them out!!

200POUNDQUEST SparkPoints: (2,468)
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4/13/13 7:08 P

I'm not a fan of "brutal" honesty and am generally mightly annoyed by people who brag about how they always "speak their mind." If someone asks you specificially your thoughts or feelings about something and you don't tell them the truth, then I reckon it's lying, but I wouldn't say not just offering up the info unprompted is lying.

I'll tell someone an unpleasant truth if I think they really need to know, but if I think the info will only hurt them or me or someone else and there's no real need to tell the truth....I think most people who revel in always speaking their minds are sadists and also, most of them are compulsive liars.

Nothing put me more on guard than someone who claims they always tell the truth, because every person I've ever known that has made that statement has been the sort that lies when telling the truth would serve them better.

As for people skills....I don't think there's any one set way of acting that works with everybody. I have worked in many customer service jobs or jobs that had customer service as a large component and was usually considered "good" at it.

For me, people who were nice or at least "professional" in their interactions definitely motivated me more to go the extra mile than those who were nasty, but anyone who tried to be too friendly or too personal tended to get my guard up. It's generally pretty easy to tell the difference between people who are actually nice and people who are fake nice because they want something, because the fake nice people are just OTT with it and they usually turn nasty the second they don't get what they are after.

I actually didn't much care for people calling me by my name, because it made it feel more personal and I wasn't there to be their buddy, I was there to do a job. People who obsess about your name also tend to be the ones that call up and talk smack to other people in order to try and get what they want, if you don't give it to them.

I seldom lose my cool with people. My approach was always to be friendly, listen more than I spoke, not say I'd do anything I didn't intend to do and be calm when they were not. Most of the time if you don't respond in kind a nasty person will get done venting and become more reasonable. Unless they are the type who acts the fool because they think they can intimidate you into giving them something they want, but aren't entitled to.

4/13/13 9:20 A

@BN63: emoticon (I couldn't find the "Well Said!" emoticon)

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
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4/13/13 7:20 A

I tend to play my cards close to my vest, so to speak. As a woman in a non traditional job (Construction Project Manager for a crew of 70 men) I find the way I deal with men is very different then women. I find with men you definitely catch more flies with honey but you need to be upfront -- if you have a problem just come right out and lay it on the table. With women, if you are overly nice I do find that the leeriness comes out.

Personally I live by the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated. Having manners and being polite is the way to go. Nothing is solved by arguing, yelling especially in email and over the phone.

It is so important to remember people's names including just looking at their name tag and calling them by their first it shows you are paying attention to the situation

4/13/13 7:10 A

@OM2: Cool, but IDK which of those categories I'd fit into. I have some hearing impairment so maybe I'm the "hear" type because I do have to lean in towards somewhat to better hear what you're saying.

I am not a salesperson, I would get nervous being one I think.

@IHMF: That's an awesome skill to have; the ability to sniff out the fakers of the world, w00t! Me? I suck at it, I have to get lumped over the head many times over before I realize I'm talking to one of them.

@OM2: when did you say we're having lunch at your house? My gf & I have never been to the south before.

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (252,239)
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4/13/13 12:30 A

all in the point of view, KJ.

some people set out to learn 'people skills' to manipulate others. Some folks just have a genuine interest in others and want to improve their own impact on those around them.

XH did sales training for one of his many jobs while we were married. I'm kind of a salesperson's worse nightmare. I know those tricks from months of listening to XH practice his sales techniques. My heels are so dug are not selling me ANYTHING that I don't want to buy!

*I* delved into dealing with people for several reasons: I've pretty much worked in one form or another of customer service all of my working life. If you want to better serve people, you need to understand them (and their signals).
I also spent many years in middle management. REALLY important to understand how to work with different personalities.
And I wanted to control my own emotions, rather than let other people control ME.

one of the most important 'tricks' (for lack of a better term) that I learned about reading people:
most people will fall into one of 3 categories - visual, auditory, or emotional. (it's been years...that terminology probably isn't exactly right).
visual people are more influenced by what they SEE - when they are thinking about something, they tend to look up. These people will say things like "I SEE what you're saying". The best way to communicate with them is by visual means. Show them an example.
auditory people go by what they HEAR - when they are thinking, they tend to look side to side. They will say "I HEAR what you mean." You can handle an interaction with these people by phone; they don't require (or often want) face to face interaction
emotional people are the 'touchy feely' folks. When they are thinking about something, their eyes tend to look down. Their talk is more about feelings (not I SEE or I HEAR, but I FEEL). They need LOTS of one-on-one attention and hand-holding.

I didn't 'squirrel away' this info to know how to push people's buttons. Quite the opposite! Looking for these simple cues helped me communicate with people according to THEIR needs. It helped me have a much better understanding of the people in my department, and the other managers that I worked with.

the people we find that are so easy to deal with, are people like US. I'm a visual. It's easier for me to understand (and be understood by) other visuals.

I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
4/13/13 12:23 A

I am not scared of nice people, only rehearsed ones who have the words come out of their mouth, but the eyes and body language say another thing. I can see and smell fake a mile away. Be nice, but be yourself.

4/12/13 11:37 P

Thanks, Dad!

I feel sorry for those who are suspicious of nice people (whether or not they are using people skills) but I totally understand the reasoning and it sucks that anyone had to have a bad experience with screwed up people.

Some of the responses reinforces my GFs belief that people skills is flat out lying and that's truly sad to me.


"With great power comes great responsibility"
~Uncle Ben (Peter Parker's surrogate dad)

4/12/13 9:14 P

I have truly found that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar... Being nice is just a so much more pleasant way to deal with life. Its also more fun. KJFIT, I love the way you handled the phone call....

4/12/13 8:53 P

My father was a criminal and sociopath. He used to have "tricks" that made it easy for him to make "friends." I would watch him manipulate the heck out of people, just so at a later date, he could use them to his advantage.

When I see someone doing that "IRL" I make sure to put a good amount of distance between myself and them. I don't need any of that destructive, toxic behavior in my life.

If you want to make friends, be yourself. Be kind. Be truly interested in what others have to say. That's all you have to do.

GLITTERFAIRY77 Posts: 8,023
4/12/13 6:44 P

In short, holding back how you really feel can keep you out of jail sometimes.

IRISHFANUH87 Posts: 1,038
4/12/13 5:04 P

I don't think that you have to express every little emotion that you feel, in fact I think that is a very bad way to approach things. I don't know that I would have any friends or a husband if I wore my emotions on my sleeve all the time, and I don't think it's lying to hold them back sometimes. For me the main reason for that is, as a woman (and I'm not saying all women, but probably a majority of us) some of my feelings are kind of irrational, and to show every crazy little thing I feel would drive people crazy.

That said, I can't stand people who are clearly being overly fake nice (salesmen).

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,485
4/12/13 4:40 P

Covey was one of my favorite self help authors...he wrote about how to be a better human being.

But I ran into too many difficult situations where you become aware that you are being played. And while you don't want to be a bad person it's good to know how it happens (so that you can recognize it)
and to be able to use that knowledge if you have to.
Any strategy can be used for good or's always up to the person on how they use it.
Robert Greene is known books on Manipulation (strategy, power and seduction)
his four international bestsellers:
'The 48 Laws of Power', 'The Art of Seduction', 'The 33 Strategies of War',
'and The 50th Law'

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 4/12/2013 (16:42)
4/12/13 3:37 P


@IHMF: learning how to read people is a different topic, I am unaware of any self-help books for that subject. As for your friend, any of the books, speakers I've mentioned would her greatly!

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (252,239)
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4/12/13 3:14 P

meh. I like self help books. I've learned a great deal over the years from Zig and Dr. Covey (2 of my favorites).

There is always room for improvement, and the only person *I* can change is...ME. I can't make somebody else act the way I think they should act or do what I think they should do, but I can get a grip on how I choose to react to what they do or say. That may mean agreeing to disagree, but I'm not trying to game them. I can be cordial even when I don't particularly care for a person.

(care to reveal my source, KJ? emoticon )

Edited by: OBIESMOM2 at: 4/12/2013 (15:14)
I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
4/12/13 3:07 P

When someone makes a point to remember my name 'watch out" they want something
when a person is too nice "watch out" they want you to like them ,and want to sell you something ,or get something from you.
I can read a person very easily.
I do not believe in reading books on how to act and approach. Did it mention how you get a feel for another person? You can tell how one carries themselves and acts as to how they would like to be approached in a way they are more out to be responsive. I think different people by their looks, sound of voice, tone, mannerisms get different reactions even if the same person was approached the same exact way by different people. I do not believe in self help books, what works for another might not help the next person. I make friends fast, but I don't keep them as I am very picky with friends. I married my best friend for life and am thinking about searching for my best female friend for life by joining clubs and such with similar interest. I dropped my best friend last September after being friends since 7th grade. Over out 30 years of friendship we had a few spells of non talking, this one is final. it is the same reason why I stopped talking to her the last time. She is too selfish, selfish people do not make good friends. Maybe self help books could work ,any suggestions on one for her? ;)

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (252,239)
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4/12/13 2:51 P

I don't think people always need to know what you are feeling. I don't think keeping your emotions in check is tantamount to lying. There are times to be fully open and honest, and times to hold back.

If I had let my former boss and some of my co-workers know what I REALLY thought of their two-faced, lying, cheating, back stabbing ways...they would have been FLOORED and I would have been unemployed. Sometimes you have to play the game.

KJ, I know you love the stories about my former assistant. When I quit that job, I went in over the weekend and packed up all of MY stuff from my office. I left a box under her desk with every birthday, Christmas, boss's day gift she'd given me over the years. Untouched. She told one of the guys in the dept who is still a good friend of mine that I'd done that. I did not make a big show of it. Nobody needed to know. But she definitely got the message that I had been on to her crap from day one.

in professional interactions (whether you are the employee, employer or the customer), it's best to leave extreme emotions out of it.

4/12/13 2:33 P

IRL (in real life) as oppose to Cyber Life (as in HERE)

For the most part I have never had a problem with making friends, I've had more than I count throughout my 50 years of life. I have had the admiration of my colleagues (the ones that weren't trying to use me to get above me, that is) for any job I've had in my lifetime, too.

But back in the mid 90's I had a friend call me to talk to me about selling Amway products (excellent products) and I tried it but couldn't get past the whole "Sneak Attack" method of talking to people about it. In that time ( about 9 months or so) I was bombarded with many books and tapes on the subject of people skills. I LOVED IT!!!!! My first book was Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends & influence people" and then on to Zig Zigler, Denis Waitley and Stephen Covey (author of 7 habits of highly successful people) and I learned a LOT about people.

I remember this one tidbit that I still use today; when I first meet someone I pay REAL CLOSE attention to their name when they say and repeat it back to myself over & over again while they're talking to me and when I retort I usually start off with saying their name first then go on to say what I was saying. I do this when I'm on the phone with companies (either personal or business) but in those cases I write their name down. Recently I had to talk to my mortgage company about a some confusion and when the woman stated her name I jotted it down then had my conversation. I was really upset but I know that that attitude makes things worse on the phone and it's not even the person's fault who answered, they just work there. Then after I was done (and maybe a few times during the thick of the conversation) I said her name and then thanked her for time and effort (I had gotten zero results). She paused before saying good-bye to me and told me to wait a minute, maybe she could "try" something......

I was on hold for about 5 min (my blood was boiling) and when she came back on I perked up cheerfully and said "hello, I thought maybe you forgot about me, Cherie", she giggled and then said she was gonna transfer me to her boss.

I got what I wanted, solved and no yelling or snide remarks from me.


because I used people skills.

Knowing that Cherie is only the first line of defense (lol) or whatever I knew playing the part of an upset customer would net zero results. She had asked me some repeated questions which I cheerfully re-answered and explained my plight at least three times before she knew what I was talking about (she was a twit!) but I kept my cool and so, I got what I wanted, in the end.

So, why the story?

My gf and a few of my friends/colleagues have a notion that if you are not fully exposing how you feel when you're talking to another person(s) it's tantamount to LYING!


What are your thoughts?

Note: manipulating people is wrong (socially speaking) and I'll admit I have done that to my advantage in the past, I called it "The Jedi Mind Trick" ("...these are not the droids you're looking for...") but I have learned to keep it in check (hard to do sometimes once you learn how to kill them with kindness).

Edited by: KJFITNESSDUDE at: 4/12/2013 (23:39)
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