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8/29/13 12:02 P

I wonder what you think of this in the context of weight loss:

Jealousy and other negative emotions can cause us to wrongly assess and mistreat others. "When someone is doing better than us, we tend to scorn them," Sutton says. Differences can make us biased. "Our favorite person in the world is ourselves. The more different someone is from us, the more likely we are to have a negative reaction to them," he says.

Link to the article it came from:

Edited by: JASMINEMARS at: 9/2/2013 (03:29)
8/26/13 10:00 A

Being safe and being liked is not all that important. Good though to ponder.

Safety is a basic human need. But we might have false ideas of what safety truly is.

Being liked is important. But more important is liking oneself. I am realizing I need to put that first. Then if someone doesn't like me when I am putting myself first, I don't have to have a connection to them. There are billions of people on earth, so if someone doesn't like me, another person will. It is tough to let goof the need to be liked.

MELLIEJ81 SparkPoints: (646)
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8/26/13 8:18 A

I'm not too sure if it's just the envy you of others that you are concerned about. Its sounds like you have a few unresolved issues internally. Until you address your own issues I don't think you will be able to live up to what you think you should be doing. It all sounds very dramatic in some of these posts. Is it also the way in which you see possible issues? I know you have stated you have issues with envy in the past but was it really envy?? I think people are so caught up in achieving the best lives they can that they are not focusing all their attention on you. For those that do say stuff about others and usually behind their backs it is because they are lacking in their own lives and also afraid to address their own issues. Looking in a mirror and working on your issues is a lot harder than looking at someone else and faulting them. Everyone just would like to be respected for who they are and unfortunately in this society it's not based on positive characteristics but negative ones. If you don't let yourself shine how can you expect others too??

GENRE009 SparkPoints: (33,762)
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8/26/13 5:37 A

I don't know what to think about the idea of being envied. I just know that in most societies what people say they think, and what they think is two different things. Your beauty can only be judged by you! In one society you are beautiful, in another you are ugly because you don't have scares from toxins poured into cuts on your face! I heard that some peoples are enlarging their eyes to look more western! Maybe they have fallen into believing that beauty is the look in magazines? What I guess might have happened to you is this: maybe because you are so honest , and not nasty with cruel games like others, these people used your looks to belittle you. It's a way of lowering your self esteem. Self esteem comes from being loved, loving yourself, and God. Remember in God's eyes we are all beautiful

8/26/13 5:10 A

I think that there is trauma and hurt still in your heart, and fearing a repeat of it, will just trigger people to act that way towards you. Or you will interpret their behaviour as such.
So I think you need to talk to a good counsilor about that. This can be resolved.
I think it would be so sad and wrong if an intelligent beautiful person who was meant to shine spends her life being scared of being just that because of what her value and beauty will do to the hearts of other people. I think that when you are your authentic self, you give the people around you a precious gift. YOU. And permission to be themselves too. And they will feel that they can trust you.
So just always act gracefully and kindly and openly, even if you are super beautiful and super intelligent. And let your heart love/touch the hearts of other people.
I had tendency like that from school, and always put myself down or make a downer joke about myself when I felt that somebody was comparing themselves to me. I had to learn to stop that. Being safe and being liked is NOT THAT IMPORTANT. I had to learn to live heart first without walls, drop my shell and reach out, trusting that Jesus who promised to be my refuge and my fortress would heal my heart when it gets hurt, and to protect me from hurt.
And for the wisdom to know when to proceed with caution.
I am so wishing you FREEDOM.
Thanks for posting this, and let us know what you learnt?

CAMEOSUN SparkPoints: (86,617)
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8/25/13 11:38 A

As for having the 2 - Master's & your boss thinks you have only a Bachelor's...well that could be to your disadvantage. Our son-in-law's boss found out he had a Master's (in casual conversation) and that boss did everything he could to get son-in-law a promotion. The promotion came quickly after. Son-in-law is humble & was not living up to his potential/ training because he did not want to "step on anyone's toes."

LOUIE-LILY Posts: 5,837
8/24/13 5:29 P

if only...

STRONGERLEANER SparkPoints: (172,316)
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8/24/13 3:15 P

There will always be people who are jealous and envious. Some people think that if you are well-educated and have nice things that you are looking down on them.

I hate to think that you are dressing in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I think you should be able to dress in a way that suits you as long as you stay within the company dress code. YOU SOUND very UNCOMFORTABLE AND STIFLED.

As long as you are respectful of others, I think that you should free yourself to not hide who you are and what you have accomplished. Bragging about your accomplishments and hiding them are two extremes. You just need to find a happy middle ground.

If what you like to wear does not comply with your company guidelines, stick with the dress code at work and wear the other items on your downtime.

I once worked for a company that wanted required women to wear dresses and skirts ALL THE TIME. I was happy when it was ruled that this was not legal but other companies have very strict rules. You don't want to start dressing casually in an office that requires business attire at all times or dressing in business attire at all times in a workplace that is extremely casual.

In other words, express yourself more. As long as people know you are respectful of them, most will be respectful of you.

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,581
8/24/13 11:11 A

I have beautiful friends and nothing awful has happened to them because they were beautiful and themselves.

I haven't seen any backlash against Kate Upton.

Then again I think she is absolutely beautiful and I don't mind looking at her. I have a lot of female friends and acquaintances have never heard anyone say anything negative about her.

In another post you said that you had a paralyzing fear. Now I mean this in the nicest way possible. Perhaps discussing this with a professional is a good idea. They can help you get to the root of your fear.

Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 8/24/2013 (11:12)
8/23/13 12:25 P

On another note, how might one explain why there is so much female backlash against Kate Upton? Why is she so "hated" - mainly by women? Is it jealousy or envy?

8/23/13 12:03 P

Thank you for clarifying, KENDILYNN. I know exactly what you mean. I said "deadly" mostly to drive home my point that envy is an emotion that people sweep under the rug, but the consequences of this emotion can be extremely serious. Envy in another person is hard to detect. Few people will admit to being envious. They won't even admit it to themselves. If you evoke envy in others, it can cost you your job, marriage, even life. Envy works in subtle ways. I a talking about a boss who thinks their subordinate is better than them. So they undermine them and prevent them from advancing. But to the subordinate, the boss's behavior cannot be pinpointed. It is so subtle. I am also talking about the "best friend" who envies your marriage or lifestyle, and who will ever so subtley sabotage you. There are so many examples. Not a lot is written about envy and the damage it can do to someone if they are the object of envy. Like I said before, envy is something that goes undetected a lot of the time. People don't talk about it, aren't sensitive to it, aren't aware of it, are embarrassed by it, fail to handle it properly, would never in a million years admit they feel it.
Thank you for your message! I appreciate your insight and help very much.

KENDILYNN SparkPoints: (22,924)
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8/23/13 11:14 A

For clarification of my earlier post: I've never heard of anything bad happening *physically* to anyone because of envy, outside of the movies. Anyone who would be*physically* dangerous to you because they envied you has mental problems, and you are not the cause nor can you control them. I also am not including adolescent bullying here, as I know that school-yard bullying sometimes gets physical. But we're talking about now, right? I'm not sure what "sometimes even deadly" threat you fear. Are we talking Single White Female? Or driven to suicidal thoughts? If the former, I stand by my "only in the movies" and "they have mental problems of which you are not the cause" arguments. If the latter, you need therapy right away. If someone else's opinion of you and/or their behavior towards you, whether real or imagined, affects you to the point of ruling and possibly ending your life, please get help! (No judgement here).

Of course, this is coming from an average looking yet self-confident person, so maybe I'm in the middle ground of being neither enviable nor prone to envy others. So take it for what it's worth.

KDRICH24 Posts: 267
8/23/13 1:32 A


8/23/13 1:08 A

Thank you, KDRich. Sounds like you are very lucky to have a mom like that!

KDRICH24 Posts: 267
8/23/13 12:53 A


Edited by: KDRICH24 at: 8/24/2013 (15:37)
8/23/13 12:02 A

Thank you all for your advice and answers to my questions.
I think that the feeling of envy is not limited to a segment of the population that is insecure with themselves. I think all of us are prone to having some negative feelings sometimes for people who are more successful than ourselves. Also, people who are hurt or damaged emotionally or physically by an envious person are everywhere ... not just in the movies. For example, competitiveness abounds in the workplace.
Do beautiful, successful people have it easier in life? I am not convinced that in all cases they do. There are plenty of kids being bullied because they are too attractive (and therefore hated). Consider Gia Allemand, who was bullied in school. Why? Because she was beautiful and her insecurity made her a good target for bullying by those jealous of her looks? I don't know.
I do know that being beautiful and successful is not all it's cracked up to be. We all want to be beautiful and successful, but are we prepared to handle the consequences of being so? Many people are poorly equipped to do so. Being great attracts attention, attracts criticism, attracts envy.
Say you are an attractive woman working for an insecure, middle aged woman whose looks are fading and whose waistline is growing. Do you foresee this as a problem?
I think that it is hard for most people to fathom why anyone would want to dress down, dumb down, and be "lesser than." But it is more common than one might think. It is a coping mechanism that may be effective in some circumstances. But if it is used to heavily and too often, it can cause problems in one's life. It can cause someone to stop living life fully. It is a difficult tightrope to walk - the one between wanting to fit in and be safe around others, and wanting to be exceptional and exquisite and extraordinary.

KDSTAP Posts: 664
8/22/13 11:27 P

I often don't speak of my own accomplishments or share positive things about myself....but I do it because I don't want other people to think that "I" think I'm better than them.

KDRICH24 Posts: 267
8/22/13 10:20 P

WOW! ... I want to make sure I understand you. Can you give a specific example? I really appreciate your honesty. It takes a lot of courage to post an honest question like that. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for asking.

I'm assuming that you must be really beautiful and smart... if that is true you are lucky!! Enjoy it. Beauty fades and what good are brains if you don't use them?

I ROCK MY BA! just kidding. No one really cares about it. LOL... i think my jokes are funny!

Edited by: KDRICH24 at: 8/22/2013 (22:36)
ONLINEASLLOU SparkPoints: (73,365)
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8/22/13 8:55 P

I can relate to your problem, Jasmine, because I have also suffered in my life because other people were envious. It happened regularly during my adolescence and it left psychological scars that will never completely go away. I am careful about what I say in front of my colleagues of work because of that history.

It is a long an complicated story -- as yours probably is, too. But the short version of the story is that my classmates bullied me for years to the point where I was "punished" by them each time I accomplished anything. For me, every good thing I did came with a painful price to pay. Teachers knew about what was going on, but did not help. My mothers' attitude was that I should "keep my head down" and endure it until the day I could go away to college and "meet other people like me." I think she blamed me for not fitting in better. I'm not sure either parent knew the extent of the bullying.

I wish I had a great answer for you. But at 58 years old, I still struggle with the residual effects of the years of abuse I suffered while growing up. But I have learned to enjoy my accomplishments -- at least some of the time. I just keep that joy pretty private.

For those of you who have trouble relating to this problem ... perhaps my telling of my story will help you realize that Jasmine's problem may be more common than you think.

... And finally ... I am not sure that the feeling in other people is usually "envy". I think it is often more "resentment." Seeing other people with success makes them feel bad about themselves and they take it out on you. I learned to try not to make myself a good target -- but lost some of myself in the process.

Good luck to you, Jasmine.

Edited by: ONLINEASLLOU at: 8/22/2013 (22:30)
AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (0)
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8/22/13 4:08 P

Jasmine, is there a cultural element to this worry?

My personality is so far in the other direction that I can't relate to this at all and I don't really have any insights, but it's an interesting issue.

It sounds like you are taking this worry to such an extreme that it is really limiting your life and damaging your opportunities. As such, I really think that it's important for you to address it and find a way to work on the problem, Counseling of some sort does seem like it could be helpful.

Edited by: AZULVIOLETA6 at: 8/23/2013 (01:45)
KENDILYNN SparkPoints: (22,924)
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8/22/13 3:25 P

If you're looking for answers to your specific questions rather than advice, I would say "no" to all three. I don't feel like being my true self is too much for my friends/family. I never dress or dumb down to make others less envious. And I've never heard of anything bad happening to anyone because of envy, outside of the movies. Anyone who would be dangerous to you because they envied you has mental problems, and you are not the cause nor can you control them.

I have known gorgeous, immaculately dressed women who were amazing people/friends and I've known stuck up, self-centered supermodel types. But you know what? It doesn't take five minutes in the same room with them to figure out which is which. Dress how you want, be a decent human being, and surround yourself with people who aren't so insecure that they have to bring others down to lift themselves up.

8/22/13 12:04 P

Thank you for all your responses. I just read each one very carefully. I appreciate your time and insight very much . i don't believe the majority of people go around worried that others envy them. Or if they do alter their appearance or behavior to make others more comfortable then they may not be awAre of. My fear is a difficult thing to Admit because it is embarrassing and hints that I am conceited. But it is a paralyzingly fear. And it is one that has caused bad consequences in my life. Envy is A subject that is swept under the rug but virtually everyone is affected by it. Remember the movie the bodyguard... Classic illustration. Sorry for the typos ... I am typing on a phone. I am wondering ... Do you ever feel like being your true self would be too much for your friends and family and boss to handle? Do your dress or dumb down ever in order to not evoke envy in others? Have you ever had anything bad happen to you because someone envied you? Thx thx thx

8/22/13 10:42 A

Never be afraid to be the person you are. So what if others envy you. You will only wish you hadn't suppressed your talents and looks later on in life -- now that's depressing. There's no time like the present. Break out!


EMPRESSAMQ Posts: 5,077
8/22/13 10:41 A

"Worry More about NOT living life fully and worry Less about what other people think." ~ Sherylds



SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,271)
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8/22/13 10:40 A

I like what Manieterrier1 said. Few people really care how many Masters degrees you have. If you choose to be in a job that doesn't require one, and where your boss does not have one, I would not necessarily keep them a secret but also would not blatantly advertise because you will make them all wonder the same thing some here are wondering: Then why don't you have a job that requires two Master's degrees. But just because they wonder and might even make negative comments does not necessarily mean they are envious in my view.

And this is not a put-down but I am curious. Why do you have 2 Master's Degrees? Just love going to school? Want to change careers? Both good reasons, but I'm just curious.

As for dressing well, maybe I'm overanalyzing this a bit too. If you work in an environment where people generally "dress nicely" I'm sure you are admired rather than seriously and dangerously envied for your tasteful clothing choices. However if you work in a blue collar or service environment where most dress down or wear jeans, but you dress up, they may be annoyed at your apparent non-conformance but that is not the same as envying you.

I actually relate with some of what you wrote. I have a Ph.D. and I certainly don't wish to hide that from anybody but I know there are times not to really flaunt it either, especially to my own family. Out of 8 children, only one sister and I have any college at all. I love my family and respect the choices they make with their lives. They all work hard and live honest lives.

I hope they are happy for me, not envious but at times the reality is there is jealousy among people, especially in families. I see some merit in not outshining your boss. I do think there is some truth to that theory. If you can really do better than your boss, you might want to think outside the box for opportunities where you can "be the boss" but if your choice is to work under that person, yes, their human emotions and insecurities can get in the way of making rational and fair decisions and so you have to monitor interactions with them accordingly.

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,511
8/22/13 10:35 A

Let your accomplishments speak for themselves .
Use your skills to the best of your ability and live to your potential...otherwise having all kinds of degrees is meaningless.
People are insecure by nature, that's life. Worrying about someone else being envious of you is a waste of more concerned about having a life that no one envies.
If you dress plainly because you are more comfortable that way, fine...
but if you are doing it to hide your true nature...all I can say is ... who are you Clark Kent? Get real. Dress the way you want to dress.

Worry More about NOT living life fully and worry Less about what other people think.
It sounds like you have been hanging on to a lot of useless excuses not to move forward.
There is nothing worse than not knowing what might have been had you tried

EMMYERS76 SparkPoints: (10,444)
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8/22/13 10:24 A

Sadly, no matter what you do, you will be judged by others. That is, unfortunately, the way our society is. If you dress nicely and have accomplishments, people will envy you. If you dress down and pretend you don't have accomplishments, people will think you are an underachiever. If you say you are worried about people envying you, people will think you are a snob and stuck up. The basic truth, if you have two masters, people will be able to tell you are educated even if you try to convince them you are not. If you are beautiful, people will see it with or without nice clothes and make up. I agree with the first poster, that you may need counseling, to help you break out of the lack of confidence shell...and possibly to help you get over some past hurts. It is hard to be around people who pretend to be someone they are be who you are. You paid good money for your live up to them. Be the intelligent, beautiful, charming person you are. And if people envy you, it is because they can't pull it off.

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,581
8/22/13 10:16 A

This is an interesting conversation.

I am not afraid of being envied. I was born to stand out and not fit in. I don't believe that anyone envies me for this. As someone stated most people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't really care about me.

It is important to stay humble in all things.

If you allow yourself to shine and you remain humble about it. I don't believe that you will feel many people become envious

If you shine and become conceited. Start acting like you are better than everyone else. People may seem envious but I don't believe that will be the case. People just wont like your actions.

You can be the star of the room and still be sweet and have people love and admire you.

Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 8/22/2013 (10:22)
8/22/13 10:03 A

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I have read all your advice and suggestions and they have been extremely helpful to me. Big thanks especially to SIMLANNA.
I have one more question which is slightly tormenting me and I would love to hear your thoughts about it.
What do you think about Robert Greene's first law of power, never outshine the master. (He wrote the book, "48 Laws of Power.") Essentially, he is saying do not go too far in displaying your talents as you might cause and draw insecurities and fear from the master (like your boss).
MY QUESTION IS - - - Is it smart in some situations to dress down or dumb down or appear lesser than? Is this a good strategy in some situations where you may want to avoid making other people (boss, in particular) feel insecure?
There are many movies and news stories out there telling horrible tales about people who suffered a bad fate because someone was envious of them.
I am really looking forward to reading your advice about this!!
Thanks and have a good day,

SIMLANNA SparkPoints: (12,602)
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8/22/13 9:08 A

There are some really good posts in this thread (I'm not counting N as one of the good ones).

It's crazy if your boss doesn't know that you have two Masters (but I wonder why you have two masters and work in a job where they are clearly not necessary).

It seems that you have had some issues with people being envious in ways that have hurt you. Here's the thing: those people are crazy and even if you had nothing to be envious of they would have found something. Haters are gonna hate. They can't help it. They need everyone to be as miserable as they are.

You can decide to stop holding yourself back because of other people's problems.

Or you can decide to let people from your past continue to hurt you. Then they win.

MATTHEW0498 SparkPoints: (32,853)
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8/22/13 8:29 A

I agree with several of the previous posts. It has been proven that people are drawn to those that are beautiful and accomplished. Those are the people that tend to excel. What is your attitude like when people know about your two Masters or when you dress better? Do you have the air about you that says I'm better? If not, then who cares what others think. If so, then maybe work on that. There will ALWAYS be those that get jealous and talk about about you soley becaues they are unhappy with themselves. However, there are people out there that will be your friend because of who you are on the inside, those the ones that count.

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
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8/22/13 8:11 A

Your true friends accept you as you are and don't judge you on your accomplishments or lack thereof; in any event, your should be very proud of yourself and celebrate that as you worked hard to earn every accomplishment. Surround yourself by people with similar goals and interests and it will all work out.

LAURIEANDBLUE2K SparkPoints: (57,906)
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8/22/13 7:29 A

I agree with Goalwtin7. Be nice to people and it will work out. I work with friends that are knock out beautiful. (I'm not) and I work with a girl that has 2 master degrees, but in the end we are all friends and don't really care much about those outside things. We do our jobs well everyday and are nice to one another. I could care less what they wear or the paper they hold. I care about their values, attitude, and ability to work hard.

TCANNO SparkPoints: (368,205)
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8/22/13 4:45 A

Ignore it as it is their problem, feel good about yourself


CORTNEY-LEE SparkPoints: (67,852)
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8/22/13 2:29 A

Be yourself

There are always going to be "haters" no matter who you are. The important thing is to not let them get to you.

I also think that if you let people see your interior - they won't be so focused on your exterior

8/22/13 1:18 A

So, people envy? So what?

Some people envy me. Some people look down on me. That's their problem. I'm not going to stop being me because they have issues with who I am.

It sounds to me more like you're looking for an excuse to not excel in your chosen field of study. Why would you not take on a position where your graduate studies are both known by your colleagues and required for your work?

Saying that others make you feel bad for being accomplished, powerful, and beautiful makes a handy excuse for why you can't go out there and shine.

GOALWTIN7 SparkPoints: (2,121)
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8/22/13 1:10 A

This just tells me you are not hanging out with equals. You need friends that have masters in the subject you have yours so you have things in common and can enjoy a conversation with them. If you like dressing nicely than you need friends that also like to do this. If your boss only thinks you have a B.A. degree then maybe you are not in the correct job for your education.

I had a friend that was very pretty and she said women did not like her because she was so good looking. The truth was people didn't like her because she thought she was better than most. People are actually attracted to good looking people and accomplished people if they are nice human beings. Statistics prove this. If you have an air about you that you are superior, please don't blame it on people being envious of you. That is only in your fantasy, not reality.

JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (598,750)
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8/22/13 12:02 A

It matters more what you think of yourself!!!!

KAYAHSLOANE1 Posts: 10,550
8/21/13 11:44 P

For what its worth I read a saying recently and it goes "Its not your job to care what other people think about you."

When you can live by this than you can overcome your difficulties. I do think an appointment with a therapist would be a good idea. It did me a world of good to overcome my insecurities~

8/21/13 11:36 P

I don't know what the response "N" means. Good point about people not caring. However, that has not been my experience. Envious people can be found everywhere, and they can be very dangerous, even deadly.

LADYCJM SparkPoints: (57,456)
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8/21/13 11:22 P

IT took a long time but I finally learned that most people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they do not have time to think much about any one else.

Be who you want to be and you will likely be surprised to find that as on cares or notices. I'm not saying this in a mean way, just being realistic.

UMBILICAL Posts: 12,786
8/21/13 11:00 P


UMBILICAL Posts: 12,786
8/21/13 10:57 P


8/21/13 10:20 P

Thank you, Bellydog. What you said is sensible and I will definitely keep thinking about it.
I appreciate that you wrote me back.

BELLYDOG Posts: 2,466
8/21/13 10:08 P

Sometimes it comes down to your own confidence. The confidence in yourself to not care what other people might say about you (good or bad). Sometimes our perception that other people are talking about us, is actually not the case. I am one of ten children. My parents always encouraged us to be individuals, to ignore the comments of other people when they were rude. And if they paid us a compliment, a simple thank you was all that was required. So I say, if you want to wear beautiful clothing with unique accessories, go for it. Be pleasant to be around. Don't be so self centered that other people think that you are stuck up, snobbish or arrogant. Other people can mis-interpret your actions just as easily as you can mis-interpret theirs. Just be aware of that.

8/21/13 9:45 P

i guess I'm sorry I posted this.

ETHELMERZ Posts: 21,145
8/21/13 9:25 P

Time for another appt. with a counselor of some kind, please. Do yourself a favor, no one will envy you having that appt., either.

8/21/13 9:13 P

I don't know if I'm an oddball, but I am very afraid of other people envying me. Does anyone else have the same feeling? I don't tell anyone about my accomplishments. My boss at work thinks I have a bachelor's degree, but I have two master's. I keep a very low profile with my appearance. I wear plain clothes and no makeup, no jewelry.
I have been the object of people's envy in the past and have suffered a lot of consequences because of it. I guess I am still haunted by these memories. I feel like if I let myself shine, my boss will be envious of me and either fire me or make life difficult. Same goes for my coworkers. If I suddenly start dressing the way I want, in fashionable clothing and unique accessories, I will stand out like a sore thumb and be the object of ridicule, attention, and hostility.

I have spent years trying to be a nonthreatening nonentity. Now that I am trying to change my life. Now I want to change my life. But I don't know what strategies I need to learn to cope with being a powerful, beautiful person. How do I prevent or manage or mitigate the envy others may have toward me?

This question has been weighing heavily on my mind, and I have not been able to find an answer. I would be grateful for any help, guidance, advice.

Thank you,

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