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12/30/13 6:12 A

quite frankly, if I confided in my bestie about my food issues and then she started calling me any form of "fatty", I wouldnt consider her my bestie any longer...but Im less tolerant of name-calling :(

CHELDEE Posts: 90
12/29/13 1:59 P

Don't keep people in your life who bring you down. They're not good for you. You are correct to re-evaluate the relationship. Let it go and move forward. :)

12/29/13 1:26 P

Congratulations on getting yourself better. She sounds like an awful friend, I would tell her that her words are not helping you.

QUEEN-EYDIE Posts: 12,484
12/29/13 12:58 P

I'm at the age where I refuse to tolerate passive-aggressive behavior.

MISSJANE55 SparkPoints: (42,272)
Fitness Minutes: (32,050)
Posts: 1,252
12/29/13 12:21 P

learn that other people do not have any power over me.

FAITHP44 Posts: 8,714
12/29/13 12:01 P

First of all well done on getting your life on track and getting down to a healthy weight. That took huge effort and perseverance.

Secondly, a week of eating out with a friend isn't a problem. We live in a real world and, sometimes, that's how it is. It's a long period of bingeing that causes the problem - not a week. Come to that, I've just had a week of eating way more than normal over Christmas but before I went to stay with my sister and her family in London I decided that this would be for a week, I would enjoy it and not feel guilty (and not go too stupidly mad either), and that I'd get back on track afterwards.

As for your 'best friend', you either need to tell her to stop calling you names or avoid her altogether. Whether she means to or not, she's bullying you. Regardless of the effect it has on you, her behaviour is unacceptable and she should stop doing it. If she were a child at school she would be in trouble for calling you names and, if this behaviour were repeated, she would then be in serious trouble, parents called in etc etc.

If you want the friendship to continue you need to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. Don't resort to her game and become a child alongside her. You don't have to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel if you don't want to. her behaviour is wrong. She shouldn't bully you in this way. Maybe she doesn't understand and needs to be told. But if you tell her and she continues to call you names, then it's time to tell her that you don't want to spend time with her until she learns how to speak to you properly.

At 22 you are an adult. You've made some great decisions and turned your life around. Your friend sounds as if she's not yet become an adult. She's trying to score points off you and you don't have to put up with it.

ATHENA1966 Posts: 3,976
12/29/13 11:27 A

I would remove that person from my life. Regardless of her motives, she is impacting you in a negative way.

KRAFTYKRAFT SparkPoints: (99,269)
Fitness Minutes: (48,190)
Posts: 3,128
12/29/13 10:25 A

Hee hee - this is timely - I listen to music on my IPOD with the noise cancelling headphones (singing optional) and play Fruit Ninja, read some of my favorite tweets or read my book

DELRIO1 Posts: 6,498
12/29/13 9:09 A

Avoid as much as possible.

MISSRUTH Posts: 4,292
12/29/13 8:57 A

I'd have to agree wholeheartedly with Sherylds's initial response.

One other thing.... while 22 is technically an "adult".... it is still pretty young and doesn't necessarily reflect any particular level of maturity. Could be that your "friend" has always envied you for some reason, and now that she knows which buttons to push, is getting some sort of pleasure out of causing you pain. Like op's have said, the best thing would be to confront her on it, and then whether the friendship continues or not would be based on her response to your request for her to stop.

TCANNO SparkPoints: (351,508)
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Posts: 69,390
12/29/13 7:01 A

The best way it to ignore them of if you are quick thinking (sort out an answer before it is said) have a quick comeback, I do.

12/29/13 1:46 A

Thank you all for the support and advise it means a lot to me. Definitely changed my mind I will confront her and see how she responds. As for my age I'm 22. We're adults not teenagers anymore but the way she's been acting definitely is not adult-like. If it was just a friend and they bought negative energy I'd find it easy to deal with I'd just distance them but since we're close and she's fun and always around I'm finding it hard to deal with. Going back in time for quiet a while now I've noticed that whenever something positive happens and I'm very excited about it she usually degrades it or says oh that's not a big deal or changes the topic but usually I'd be too into what's going on and not care much about what she has to say but this time it's different and now re-evaluating my friendship that's not fair to me, I should be surrounded with people who want the best for me and be happy for me so if she's not willing to change then I'm not willing to put up with that for any longer.

12/29/13 1:27 A

I told her that I'm having a hard time these days because I've been going back to my old cycle and that I didn't ever want too go back there I asked her to support me but she just said she thinks I shouldn't be exercising so often and watching what I eat because that's not a way of life. I didn't like or follow her advise because I know better than that and after being so long on sparkpeople I know the true value of exercise and healthy eating and how it makes me feel when I'm in control but I do understand people have different perspectives and maybe that's what she thought was best for me. She wasn't very responsive and that's all she said. Then a week or even less after opening up to her that's when she started calling me names. Thank you so much for the support it means a lot! I love sparkpeople there's always that positive energy.

JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (576,617)
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Posts: 16,314
12/28/13 11:54 P

I am a very positive person and I usually stay clear of negative people.

GEVANS7 SparkPoints: (300,597)
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Posts: 2,122
12/28/13 4:46 P

I usually ignore them. I never open a door for them to feel they can come bring their negativity to me. Confronting them does no good, it just makes an enemy and a source of their next negative conversation.

EXOTEC Posts: 3,327
12/28/13 4:16 P

I am so sorry for your distress.
Consider, however: you said she was/is your "best friend." Best friends are commonly placed in special inner circles... and perhaps she feels "inner" enough to cross lines she would not do with casual friends.
How did you tell her about your past difficulties with eating? did she interject that you were and are not a "fatty", and that it was just your perception - which is an integral part of eating disorders? Did you describe your feeling that you were fat? If she found this an unbelievable statement, she may simply be poking at a thing which she hopes you will resent and reject - so she emphasizes it to encourage that response. Maybe it's not meant in a hurtful way, even though it IS hurting you. Are you sure she realizes it?
I agree with others' comments that you need to tell her that eating disorders are usually things you learn to control, but the foundation will always be there. You resist it all the time, and it hurts you to be dismissed in this way by a person who means very much to you. Then ask her to help you - by stopping the remarks which tear down your resolve.
When things hurt us, it's so easy to assume they're intentional. Sometimes our sensitivities about them prevent clear thinking about them. They're so emotionally charged for us, we just can't see that they're not equally so from the "other side." Give her a chance. Ask her, then tell her, and if things don't change, she was not the friend you'd imagined her to be, and you will simply have to modify your life to eliminate that stress. You can't change others who are unwilling to cooperate. You can certainly do whatever it takes to care for yourself, though.

We care!
It was good you came here for support and hugs.
We have all that in excess, and you're more than welcome to it.
emoticon emoticon

Edited by: EXOTEC at: 12/28/2013 (16:17)
EMPRESSAMQ Posts: 5,077
12/28/13 4:02 P

To the OP, sorry you are going through this.

To your question about whether anyone has experienced anything like this, I think everyone in life has.

There will always be someone who creates a conflict for us or brings us down and sometimes we create a conflict for others and bring someone else down.

That is life. Accepting that give and take and that life isn't always pleasant or rosy can make it easier to deal with it all.

I have no advice about your specific problem. I've handled situations like this in various ways, sometimes badly, sometimes pretty well.

I don't know your age, but one thing it has taken me WAY too long to learn in a pretty long life is not to internalize things that others foist upon us.

The only thing that really matters is what you think of yourself.

Just let it go. If this person is a friend, get rid of her or forgive her and try to find a way to a better friendship. But don't internalize it.

People can just be a pain sometimes. That's just how it is.

LOUIE-LILY Posts: 5,650
12/28/13 1:32 P

I don't know your age but whatever her age, she should know better. She sounds like a small and nasty person, maybe trying to feel better about herself by putting you down. I wouldn't worry about saying it too gently. Just tell her, to cut out the nasty name calling immediately or the "friendship" is over now. If she doesn't get it, apologize and stop, cut her loose immediately. IMHO

FRAN0426 Posts: 21,084
12/28/13 1:18 P

There will always be those who know what should be best, what we should do ect. I try to let it slide. That said if they're continually being what we feel is cruel---we don't need negativity being thrown at us all the time.

EELPIE Posts: 2,700
12/28/13 1:12 P

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. And yeah, that's not how friends are supposed to treat each other.

If there is a next time, ask "Why are you calling me that?" Any explanation that is given (I was joking, I don't really mean it), you explain how it makes you feel. Even to simply say "it hurts me".

If it continues afterwards, it's up to you, then, whether or not you choose to continue the "friendship".

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,458
12/28/13 1:00 P

People are not perfect and best friends Will disappoint us occasionally, but the key to every relationship is communication and trust. When some one hurts you, explain to them exactly how they hurt you and give them a chance to redeem themselves. We all make mistakes, often without thinking. Don't kill a good friendship.

But again...we all need to understand that WORDS do not define us, We decide who we are. We should all work on being strong enough to let labels roll off our backs, because we know who we are and we are beautiful....

.ATTITUDE is everything..

12/28/13 12:58 P

As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Says it all, really.

LADYCJM SparkPoints: (57,456)
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Posts: 2,545
12/28/13 12:12 P

She is not a friend. She is deliberately attacking you like a mangy dog going after a bone. To call you names after you trusted her shows her for the shallow mean spirited person that she truly is. She is NOT being funny, she is NOT joking, she is NOT trying to toughen you up. All of those are excuses she will use when you confront her.

If you feel you must, I would meet with her one more time. I would tell her that her mean spirited comments, after you trusted her are cruel and hurtful and that if she truly cares for you she will apologize and NEVER say anything like that again. And that your past issues are off limits.

If I was in this situation, I would tell her that due to her cruelty we are no longer friends and to please not contact me any longer. If I saw her in public I would cut her dead. I would not return her calls or emails and if approached on her behalf by a mutual friend I would not even know who they are talking about. She would no longer exist.

I might sound mean and unforgiving but this casual cruelty is so hurtful. What else has she said and done to hurt you or others? Where's the love? Where's the caring and the concern?

You do not deserve this behavior from her or from anyone else.
Please try to find a good support group or a counselor who can help you through this difficult time.

Please let us know how you are doing, it worries me when something like this happens.

QUEEN-EYDIE Posts: 12,484
12/28/13 12:00 P

Totally agree with SHERYLDS.

QUILTINGQUE Posts: 3,110
12/28/13 11:56 A

I agree with SHERYLDS - friends don't hurt friends. I think you should talk to her and let her know how you are feeling, If she can't make a change in how she treats you, it's time to look for new friends. I know that is easier said then done, but you need to be around positive people, people who celebrate the journey you've been on and the progress that you have made.

Keep moving forward. We're here for you.


SHERYLDS Posts: 17,458
12/28/13 9:58 A

friends don't try to hurt each other...even if it's to get back for a comment.
You are an adult....TELL her she is hurting you, and you need her to stop.
If she is your friend...she will; if she doesn't, warn her again that your friendship depends on her respecting your wishes. If it continues, keep your distance.
I hope there comes a time when you are strong enough to see that no words can crush someone like you who has succeeded in conquering themselves.
Kudos...and best wishes going forward

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 12/28/2013 (09:59)
12/28/13 9:23 A

Just thought I'd share something I'm going through and get tips on how to react!

So going back in time to a little over a year ago I used to binge, binge and purge and it was such an ugly cycle I finally broke clean of it in August 2012. I started eating right and working out and since then I felt in control and I was doing great and finally in my normal weight range for my height and age and looked great however last month my friend came from abroad for a visit and I started eating out everyday for a week then when she left I started feeling guilty and then I started binge eating every now and then and I felt absolutely horrible and I felt as if I'd gain a 1000 pounds after each binge even though I know it's in my head.

Generally I am a very confident outspoken girl and always trying to be positive and bright however last month I was feeling really bad and had a very hard time and I wanted to talk to someone and let it out to feel better, so I spoke to my best friend about it and she had no idea before then that I had any insecurities or problems. And ever since I did she keeps referring to me as "fatty", she'd be like love you "fatty"... goodnight "fatty". She NEVER called me that before plus I am at a normal weight now so I know this is more psychological than physical for me and it's the binge eating that was making me feel down and I just wanted someone to support me and be there for me. Obviously she's doing that to get to me I am very irritated. I feel like she is purposely referring to me fatty here and there to shatter my self-esteem or make me feel worse about myself since she found out I wasn't really on the bright side as I usually am or appear to be.

She obviously knows this is a sensitive matter to me there is no excuse for her to start calling me names unless she wants me to feel bad. I honestly regret opening up to her.

So everytime she'd call me fatty I'd be having an urge to call her a name that would hurt her or comment on something she doesn't feel confident about but then I hold that urge back and I remind myself I am not that person, I don't bring people down and that is not the right thing to do.

Also I thought about telling her that it bothers me but my pride won't let me do that moreover she knows it does I told her about all my insecurities and that's when she started doing this so her point is to bring me down and she does it purposely so me feeling bad even for a tiny bit is a plus on her side.

So I'm not sure how to react, if you were in my place what would you do? Call her back something hurtful so she knows that it is not nice to try and hurt people and pretend you're just joking because I can also joke and hurt you too. How do you guys react to people who do that? Has anyone been through something similar?

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