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CONTESSA3205 SparkPoints: (18,202)
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12/29/12 9:09 A

I'm so sorry your grandma shamed you in front of your family. I've had more than a little experience with that myself. My grandma was one of those who wanted me to eat all the wonderful food she had around the house (she was the most fabulous cook), but would ask me if I was putting on weight after she fed me all those goodies. I've struggled with my weight most of my life and those remarks really hurt me. I don't think there was any meanness associated with the remarks, just concern. But they hurt just the same.

LARRYM32 Posts: 47
12/29/12 4:47 A

yeah, what hugs said..when u love urself u'll know u 've arrived...can't control other people , places , or things, especially family when we are so hoping they'd love us unconditionally and not citicize..ur doin' great...keep goin'

BEEJAY49 Posts: 36,931
12/28/12 4:37 P

emoticon Maybe take your g-ma aside or visit her when no one else is around and have a frank talk with her about what she said and how you felt. Maybe she had no idea what she was really saying and how much it hurt. Is she an elderly grandma? If so it's possible she's starting into the stage of dementia and doesn't even realize what she's saying. Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending that kind of thing, I think it's terribly cruel, been there too, but sometimes we have to look between the lines. You deserve much better than that! Lots of emoticon to you! :)

ASHAIXIM Posts: 2,616
12/28/12 9:29 A

Did she give you a girdle for Christmas? When you were 10? In front of your "the pretty one" 17 month older sister? Yeah.

CELIAMINER SparkPoints: (257,569)
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12/28/12 9:16 A

You definitely get emoticon from me.

My mother told me I was fat when I was 13. I'm 56 now, and that hurt has never gone away despite repeated attempts to forgive. In the intervening decades, I yo-yo'd between 130 and 220 before finding SP and the loving, caring support I needed to nurture myself and face the reality of what extra pounds were doing to me. And the tools to do something about it. I wish the very best for you in your journey.

More emoticon

YULLABELLE SparkPoints: (21,739)
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12/28/12 9:06 A

I know exactly how you feel. My mother said the same thing to me. She meant it as a compliment but it was not stated in the form of a compliment. Just remember we have to forgive people their trust passes just as we are to be forgiven. Besides you are here and on the right path to a healthier you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

KISSFAN1 Posts: 6,257
12/28/12 8:23 A

emoticon I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sometimes people think that just because they are older that they can get away with being rude and hurtful. I hope that others in the room realized that it was inappropriate for your grandmother to do that to you.

No one deserves that type of treatment and I hope it didn't ruin your day.

DIXIEBEV100 Posts: 3
12/28/12 2:00 A

I am so sorry you had to endure that situation from your grandmother. I bet some of your other relatives were actually appalled and let her comments go because of her age and poor hearing and not wanting to embarrass you further.

Remember, you are not just your weight, you are a good person who deserves affection, caring, and respect. Don't let one person's limited assessment of you hurt you.

You should be proud of yourself that you held your tongue and took the higher ground, although it was terribly hard.

Lots of hugs coming your way to remind you that you deserve only the best from everyone!


LESLIESENIOR SparkPoints: (213,808)
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12/27/12 11:08 P

Tell Grandma (loudly) that age is not license to be mean, disrespectful, and rude!!!

BRENNA84 SparkPoints: (54,590)
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12/27/12 10:42 P

cyber hugs. I totatlly understand. add that to the fact that I'm the first really "mixed" person in the family. my great grandma would make comments about how dark my skin got in the summer, why I had to look like my father, why I couldn't be beautiful and white like my mother (white skin, blue eyes, blond hair). how come I was big (chubby since age 6 and curvy like hips since 8). how I'd never get men like my aunt , blah blah blah.

so yeah - my great grandma died - I didn't shed many tears and I felt releived that she was dead. i didn't feel too much pain with all the things she said to me and my mom. not at all.

so . . . . I have learned how to deal with some of them. everyone's got a mean grandma or mean aunts. YES they do know better so I learn how to ignore them or tolerate them.

so . . . . cyber hugs and don't let her bring you down.

MAYBER SparkPoints: (120,147)
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12/27/12 9:22 P

Relatives can be insensitive in their comments
My Dad called our middle daughter 'fat' even though she had cousins who were much larger than her. She was very concious of her weight to the point of almost ruining her health to please others. She has a heart of gold and today as a grown up is of a weight she is happy with and has learned to accept herself as she is and we love her very much
One day at a time

HBFINC SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 6:54 P

Our parents and grandparents are usually the closest family members to us. We're dependent on them when we are children and expect them to treat us lovingly. When they don't it is confusing and we lose our trust in them and feel betrayed. I think that's why it is so hard to forget and forgive those kinds of hurts - we expected more from them. I can handle it much better if I focus on their intention which is usually a misguided wish to help. Intentional hurting is a totally different thing and as an adult I can choose whether I even want to expose myself to that kind of person related or not. Usually it comes out of the blue with no time to react though and we are trying to be respectful to our elders. Maybe having a reply prepared for this kind of situation would be helpful.

DATMAMA4 SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 6:34 P

I can relate. My dad's side of the family, for some reason, thought it was their duty to "shame" people into taking care of themselves. "Hey, tubby," or "Wow, what a pimple-face," were common greetings -- actually thinking they were doing GOOD by pointing those things out! Like we, as teens, didn't already hyper-focus on every out-of-place hair on our heads every time we looked in the mirror. Kicker is, I looked back at old photos and I was not actually fat then.

I once had an uncle argue with me about whether I was pregnant or not (a couple months BEFORE I got pregnant with our oldest son). We were all together for a holiday, and he kept saying, "Yes, you are, you can tell everyone!" very loudly...and I kept answering him quieter and quieter that I was NOT pregnant and would certainly know it if I were far along enough to be as large as he seemed to think I was. It was absolutely embarrassing. It got to the point where I just started saying, "Nope. I'm just fat. Would you like to discuss that further?" just to shut him up. It should have embarrassed him enough to shut him up, but of course you know that never works with the obnoxious ones.

If this helps the original poster: I weigh the same as you do and I'm 2 1/2 inches shorter than you are. Your grandmother would love me.


MITCHDY SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 4:46 P

I agree that this is interesting! I think that because it's our grandma, and truly I don't think they meant to be cruel, it's hard to admit that actually that was hurtful and damaging. I am sure you will be a better grandma!

ILOVEMALI Posts: 1,538
12/27/12 3:15 P

This is a really interesting thread for me. I had never given any thought to the negative impact that my grandmother had on me (I was her favorite, and loved her to death) with regard to my body image until I saw these posts and reflected.

My son is getting married. I'll be a better grandmother.

GOBO0704 SparkPoints: (1,547)
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12/27/12 3:08 P

when i was younger my grandmother always told me i "eat like a bird". i was so skinny people actually thought i had an eating disorder. now that i've gainned all the weight (plus some lol), i'm "hippy" or they tell me "that baking is catching up to you"... you cant win with them.

i would SOOOOO love to point out that back in their era it was considered to be beautiful if you have curves, now you're supposed to be a stick... i'd rather look like merilyn monroe than nicole richie anyways!

DACHI9 SparkPoints: (7,051)
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12/27/12 2:19 P

I know how you feel. I taught school. That was no fun when kids would call you fat . It's what's inside that counts. No one can take that away from you.

PRITTYSPESHUL19 SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 2:18 P

Love_Snuff, I totally understand. I'm the youngest in the family by a big margin; my older sister is about 5'2" and maybe 100 lbs. I'm only 5'3" and have gained a lot since going back to college (I weigh 153 lbs). My mom sees me as very similar to herself and so, as soon as she sees me, she'll ask, "Have you put on weight?" or "How much do you weigh now?"
My mom has struggled with her weight all her life, and so I understand that what she's saying is said out of love and desire to keep me from struggling the way she did, but it still hurts.
I'm sorry that someone hurt you like that. *hug* But you have this big community to help you back on your feet, and hey, you can lose the weight. She can't lose her age or her bitter attitude.

DLG0505 Posts: 3,466
12/27/12 2:12 P

This post caught my eye because it brought me back to a time in my early teen years when I had an aunt that every time I saw her would say "I see you're still holding on to your baby fat". And I had the most beautifully souled grandfather that would say "I don't think she is, she's just beautiful to me". Hopefully you have someone that re-enforces your beauty and heart!

PAG41989 SparkPoints: (2,953)
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12/27/12 1:44 P

I had the same thing happen to me on Christmas eve and it was the first time someone had openly called me fat before and I was devastated to the point I spent the entire night crying until I fell asleep. I recently over the past couple years have started gaining weight from the stress from my job, having a baby and sitting at a desk all day then eating complete junk at night and getting to go food a lot because I never want to cook when I got home. I have put on over 70 lbs in the last couple of years and I would love to lose at least 50 of it. Of course now I have a cold and can't do anything. :/ Keep your chin up! Just wanted to say youre not the only one with a rude relative who can't keep their thoughts to themselves.. ugh!

ILOVEMALI Posts: 1,538
12/27/12 1:29 P

So did mine. I was curvy when I was a young teenager, but, now that I look back at it, I wasn't fat. She kept giving me stuff like girdle-type things and money for the gym. It didn't do anything but make me feel worse, and give me weird body image. I put on weight later.

MITCHDY SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 1:00 P

My grandma did too, thinking she was helping to encourage me to lose weight. It didn't.

R6_PRINCESS SparkPoints: (13,152)
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12/27/12 12:59 P

Ouch. :(

CICELY360 Posts: 4,140
12/27/12 11:42 A

My grandmother is an old Southern woman, so she always told me I was fat, even in front of people. It hurt a lot, but I had to learn to ignore it. My mother tod me that people who focus on your weight or looks may not know how to talk about anything else. I remember that.

FLAMINGOTHIN SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 11:28 A

Perhaps grandma was feeling a little put out watching you, a young woman, starting her life out fresh and felt a twinge of jealousy. She felt the need to "put you in your place" because she wasn't feeling good about her own life.
What a waste for her to mess things up with a clearly sensitive grand daughter.

I'm glad you finally got it off your chest here. Take care, and you look fabulous!!

DJCHEALTH32 SparkPoints: (43)
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12/27/12 11:22 A

Never let someone else's words get you down. You are who you are, and the only person that you should be expected to change for is yourself. We are all unique in our own way and we must remember that unique is what makes us beautiful. Make changes if you will, but only if they are for you, and always remember, nobody is perfect, but we are all perfectly imperfect.

Keep on Keeping on

12/27/12 11:19 A

My grandma asked me about my extra chin when I was 19 years old, in front of my fiancé. I never got too close to her after that. That was 25 years ago.

JENNKNUT Posts: 484
12/27/12 11:10 A

Why do people feel they can comment on others weight, I will never know. These are the people that also say "When are you going to have kids?" to people who are fertility is NONE of their business...I try not to comment on any type of weight issue, unless they are actively stating they are trying to lose, and perhaps have lost some weight, then the comment is "Good Job!" otherwise, zip it! I am sure Grandma didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but we have all been there when some small statements can really cut a person!

RASIRE Posts: 285
12/27/12 11:07 A


JBINAUSTIN SparkPoints: (54,266)
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12/27/12 10:52 A

Grandmas: you can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em!
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HALO1015 SparkPoints: (131,697)
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12/27/12 10:46 A

Hugs to you! emoticon

12/27/12 10:16 A

I'm so sorry you were hurt like that. When I was growing up, I had aunts who would feel the need to comment on my weight everytime they saw me, and I felt powerless to say anything. But finally, as a young adult, when my aunt made yet ANOTHER comment about "have you put on weight since we saw you last?" I said very calmly and politely, "you know, nobody knows about my weight more than I do. I can tell you to the ounce how much I weigh, and I really don't need you to talk to me about this anymore since my weight is MY business and nobody else's". This really took my aunt back a step, and she looked at me with surprise and said, "oh honey, I didn't mean to offend you." I think she thought she was being "helpful" and when I was really polite but firm with her about it, she never said anything to me about my weight again.

12/27/12 10:15 A

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LYNAND62 Posts: 359
12/27/12 10:00 A

No one else's definition of you matters. Your definition of you does! You're taking charge and getting healthy. You know that you're heading in the right direction and can be very proud of yourself!

I does hurt to have someone you love treat you in such a way that it sure seems like they meant to embarrass you, though. I'm sure that your Grandma loves you and really does want what's best for you in the long run. She just has a "unique" way of showing it.

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MYSHA53 SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 9:47 A

((Hugs)) Sometimes I feel that obsessing about weight is the worst things we could do to ourselves. I would have said to Grandma "I see that filter between your mouth and your brain is gone now too" but then I am sick of taking crap comments like that and not tossing crap back.

Fat people generally suffer in silence because "I think" we think they're right to pick on us for our weight. They're not. How would you react if she said "Look John is Blacker than Barry!"?? it's not acceptable, and more people would be vocally upset. We need to object to rudeness, or openly make fat comments in order to either desensitize ourselves or sensitize others to the veiled prejudice out there.

CAROLOEB1 SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 9:06 A

Cluelessness is the eighth deadly sin.

NANCYPAT1 Posts: 60,141
12/27/12 8:46 A

These last couple of posts were really meaningful. I think prayers for all the "FAT HATERS" around us. My stepmother now weighs the weight she was "supposed to weigh at 21" but that she never achieved before this year. She is 89 and she still frets about maybe gaining back a pound or two. How sad . . . for heavens sake, she weighs less than she ever did in the past and instead of being satisfied with her weight loss (the weight doctors have been telling her forever she needed to weigh) she wants MORE - to be SKINNY and get rid of her belly. We are WOMEN and it is time we stopped worrying about having the CURVES that women have and become healthy and happy with ourselves.

DARLAD8 SparkPoints: (15,291)
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12/27/12 8:39 A

Oh--that brings back painful memories of similar humiliation. When I was a kid, I heard my grandmother refer to me as "chunky" and "husky"--not exactly "pretty" or "feminine" terms of endearment. My older sister, on the other hand, was tall and skinny, and oh so pretty. My grandmother was so obviously partial to her that my mom literally had to write her a letter telling her that if she couldn't try to be more "fair" with her affection that she wouldn't bring either one of us to visit again. I also remember my grandma telling me how "well" I ate compared to my sister, but then my sister later reporting to me that my grandma had told her what a pig I was. I eventually got over it because I also knew that I was smarter and had more going on in my life than my grandmother ever did. In the end (she died last year), I felt sorry for her.

HBFINC SparkPoints: (0)
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12/27/12 8:30 A

Part of the problem is that our society puts so much importance on weight. Our mothers and grandmothers are also affected by that pressure. At the end of my mother's life she was still thinking about whether a medication would cause weight gain. I remember thinking that "cradle to grave" we are hooked to our weight issues and how sad that is. Maybe a prayer for all of us that we have peace in our hearts while we are living a healthier life and forgiveness when we experience someone's thoughtless comments. I knew my mother had love in her heart for me and my sisters but as she aged she was less able to resist making comments that were hurtful
or the understanding that they were hurtful.

TEAHAS SparkPoints: (10,356)
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12/27/12 7:21 A

In the last few years I have gained 60 lbs. On a person 5'5" that is a LOT of weight. I am now the FAT one. I am also the smart one, the kind one, the funny one and the one everyone can count on. I am working on the weight part and there will come a day when I am not the fat one but I will still be smart, kind, funny and reliable. There is nothing wrong with me as a person and there is nothing wrong with you either.

NANCYPAT1 Posts: 60,141
12/27/12 1:53 A

Grandmothers are worth the trouble even when they are tactless. Seriously though, her SAYING IT does NOT make it so. You are no fatter now than before she made her thoughtless remark. Maybe you can let you know that when she comments on your weight in front of others, it HURTS YOU. Don't be nasty but tell her, chances are that she never even thought it would HURT YOU. Thoughtless and tactless remarks happen in families all the time because people FORGET that WORDS can HURT. She probably assumes that since she LOVES YOU, nothing she says will HURT YOU. Generations of parents/grandparents have gone about saying things to the "KIDS" regardless of age without ever giving a thought to how they might be taken by the "KIDS".

MARITIMER3 SparkPoints: (215,943)
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12/26/12 1:55 P

That's really nasty of her. Some people seem to think, as they get older, it's an excuse to say whatever they think, no matter how much it might hurt someone else... especially someone they are supposed to love. Try not to respond to her mean words by eating more.

BIGMAMA4U SparkPoints: (0)
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12/26/12 1:40 P

When anyone told me I was fat my grandmother would defend me and say, "She's very healthy." They were both right at that time. Fit and Fat.

FIT4MEIN2013 SparkPoints: (144,741)
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12/26/12 1:25 P

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CMCOLE Posts: 2,667
12/26/12 12:41 P

old-school relatives.
don't you just love them!!

I had aunts that told me, even as a teenager, that I needed to wear a girdle

BETH_FROM_LA Posts: 348
12/26/12 12:29 P

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Dealing with family members like that can be so difficult. Remember, the best revenge is success!


DIDS70 Posts: 5,368
12/26/12 10:35 A

Most grandparents are still old school. Mine told me I needed to lose weight everytime she saw me then would turn around and be upset when i didn't eat as much as she wanted me too. I just told her I am on a healthy track.

STEVIEBEE569 Posts: 10,845
12/26/12 7:24 A

My grandmother was definitely guilty of this as well. But, now, she's passed away a few weeks ago. When she said those things to me, that just gave me fuel to get the weight off. Then when I did lose the weight, she would compliment me! So, don't give up hope! Just give your grandmother a reason to shout out something else like "She Looks Great!"

Hang in there! You can do it!

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EWL978 Posts: 2,021
12/26/12 7:16 A

Sounds like you may have a grandma that cares and doesn't know how the heck to tell you that. At least I hope so.

In any have this place to come to and ALL these people who are in the same situation as you... just keep on keeping on and let it go. I know it's hard, but no matter what anyone tells her, she just doesn't know better. Maybe she'll figure it out on her own...I hope it will be sooner rather than later.

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LOVE_SNUFF Posts: 28
12/26/12 12:51 A

Yep, that just about sums it up. I have two sisters that are 5'8ish and about 115lbs. I am 5'5 and 180. Holidays are a blast when grandma points out that I'm the fat sister in a room full of people. And she's deaf, so naturally she shouted it out. It took just about everything I had to keep from crying in front of everyone, so I'm doing it now. Hugs?

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