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DAVIIY SparkPoints: (8,778)
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12/7/13 7:33 P

Hi I once had this issue and decided to break up with him. After three weeks of not hearing from me he decided he would rather have me in his life than the perfect image in his head. I realized that he had an image of what he thought he wanted and I painfully freed myself of him. I realized I desire to be with a guy who loves me "all of me" through my ups, downs and weight loss challenges. When I left him that allowed me to see if he really loved me. Well he came back after I stood firm! I would not see him, talk to or call him. He said he could not live without me and he is wiling to help me with my weight loss journey( my choice to lose) and now he goes to the gym with me and supports me. You have to find reasons why "YOU" want to lose for yourself(not to keep him) otherwise you may gain the weight back. emoticon .

SAMMI-SAM SparkPoints: (26,311)
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12/7/13 7:12 P

guys lose weight so much easier than girls and my husband is aware of this. He has lost 5 pounds in 1 day by not drinking beer before-

TIGER_LILY_613 Posts: 519
12/7/13 5:23 P

My parents raised 5 children together - pregnancies to graduation, held down stressful careers, supported each other through health scares, challenges of life and all the weight gain that came with it ! They're were both skinny when they met and they are both overweight now. And they still love each other, not because of how they look but because of WHO they are, and their commitment to each other.

Love is supposed to be supportive, caring and dedicated. Not about stupid, selfish ultimatums or your own partner saying he doesn't believe you can reach your goal - a goal which HE set ! What happens if you get sick and have to go on medication that makes you gain weight ? What happens if you decide to get pregnant and put on weight ? Is he going to run away then ? How are you going to feel secure in this relationship if you're terrified he's going to leave you because of your weight ?

You need someone who is going to stand by you through thick and thin, and who loves you for who you are, and I hope you find him.

BENTOGYRL Posts: 278
12/3/13 5:15 A

You are in a tough place right now and I get it.

Despite the fact that inside you probably know that all the other posters are right and this guy is a douche, you don't want to leave him, you don't want to let go of this relationship because...what if you can never have another one? what if he's right and no one will ever love you because you are fat? what if your kids will never have a father because their mother isn't good enough?

Those kinds of questions are running through your head, you have all kinds of doubts and fears, and this guy is the one source of security that you have.

I have been there.

This is a warning sign.

If you have these kinds of thoughts and fears, its because he, or some other male figure in your life, has instilled them into you.

These thoughts and fears are not the truth, they are lies that are drilled into you by someone who is manipulative and abusive and who is insecure and who tries to make himself feel better by putting you down.

I'm going to go a step further than the other posters here and talk about your kids. I don't know your whole situation, or custodial rights or anything like that. But consider this:

You have three children. Do you want them to be raised by a man who cannot respect their mother? Do you want to take the risk that he is going to give them ultimatums?

"If you don't get good grades I won't come to your recital."
"If you don't lose weight I won't be your father."

If you are afraid to leave him for yourself, think about your kids. Is a man who is emotionally abusive worthy of being their father?

Sometimes it's really really really freaking hard to break out of these kinds of relationships because it goes against everything you have believed for a long time. But you need to break out of it. Not only for yourself, but for the 3 young lives that are dependent on you to protect them.

TINA8605 SparkPoints: (99,668)
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11/25/13 6:12 A

Back in 1982 I was with a guy who said I needed to loose 10 lbs. I joined a gym, worked out every day, really watched what I was eating. After 3 weeks, I had my weigh in and measurements taken. I had lost 13 inches and gained 3 lbs. My trainer explained how the weight gain happens. I was so excited I ran home to tell John....He was furious!!! He was so pissed I had gained 3 lbs. He totally disregarded the 13 inches I had lost in just 3 weeks. I looked at him....I told him I would loose the 10 lbs, no, I would loose 20 lbs....just as soon as he grew all his hair back on his head!!! He was bald. I told him I accepted him how he looked. While I would have preferred he had a full head of hair, I accepted him as he was. I also noted how is belt buckle was no where to be seen. He said that was acceptable for a man. I dumped him that moment and never looked back.
Nobody is perfect. If he can't accept you how you are now, what's he gonna say about you after you have a baby??? How is he gonna accept you for all your imperfections in years to come? If he's like this now he's just gonna get worse down the line.
Put on your big girl panties, pack it up and leave this loser. You deserve better!!!! You are beautiful just the way you are. If you think you need to loose some weight or make any changes for that matter, make sure you're doing it because its important for you....not someone else.

Edited by: TINA8605 at: 11/25/2013 (06:12)
CHRISTASP Posts: 1,620
11/25/13 4:44 A

I agree, let him go...

He will not stay also if you lose weight.

JIBBIE49 Posts: 72,596
11/25/13 1:22 A

Go to YouTube and listen to the lectures of Richard Bernstein M.D. who wrote "The Diabetes Solution". He says nearly all young women who are obese have PCOS that throws off their hormones. He says ALL obese people are Insulin Resistant and can benefit from taking Metformin for weight loss. This is probably why you have failed at diet/exercise in the past.
I found reading his book SO helpful. I got it at the library. Our food supply is full of sugar/starches and they make us crave more. Thus we fail on diets. He recommends a low carb diet. I got his book at the library.

SAMMI-SAM SparkPoints: (26,311)
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11/23/13 7:13 P

think really hard if u want this! Already wanting u to lose? Have something for him to do as well!

11/22/13 10:15 P

You want to know how I got rid of 180 lbs of useless fat?

Got a divorce.

You are lucky that you aren't married yet.

SAMMI-SAM SparkPoints: (26,311)
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11/20/13 1:42 P

If there an issue about weight before the wedding, it will possibly be the reason for your future divorce. Don't be dumb and marry him. Ultimatums now lead to future ultimatums that lead to divorce. He is not ready for marriage. Please don't make this mistake.

LOVEXAVIE SparkPoints: (42,827)
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11/20/13 11:45 A

My gut is telling me he is using your weight gain as an excuse not to be with you, especially if it's being caused by meds.

So, the weight gain may likely be a symptom of a much bigger issue.

FOODJUNKIE18 SparkPoints: (798)
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11/20/13 9:45 A

I agree with everyone else. That's just insane. If he loved you he would never give you an ultimatum like that. In the end, after you lose the weight, it won't feel nearly as rewarding because you were doing it for him, not yourself. Find someone who loves you for who you are, and doesn't care if you gain weight or lose it.

JURORI Posts: 653
11/20/13 5:01 A

My first reaction to this is the same as everyone else: dump him.

My second reaction: there is no such thing as quick and healthy weight loss. The best you can hope for (and have it stay off) is 2 lbs a week. That's the max recommended weight loss for any given person. If you want to go with that, stick to your calorie range, do your exercising, and give it a shot. Anything more and you're going to find yourself facing a situation where you might drop the weight fast, but you might also regain it just as fast, and leave your body confused as to what it should be doing.

Whatever your decisions, take care. In health, you yourself should always be #1.

DIANE7786 Posts: 4,991
11/20/13 4:13 A

He wanted to leave and you begged him to stay. We can’t make someone love us. If you quickly lost the 30 lbs caused by a medicine side effect, you can’t guarantee that you won’t gain again. Respect that he is honest to tell you that weight is important to him, part as friends, and move forward. You can do better.

JACKSGRAN Posts: 1,512
11/20/13 2:43 A

Please hear what ARCHIMEDESII has said. She has put it very succinctly and I agree with every word. You must address the situation sooner rather than later.

emoticon emoticon

ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (198,384)
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11/19/13 3:07 P


Your fiancee's ultimatum about losing weight or he won't marry you is merely the tip of the iceberg. He's manipulating you. All he has to say is that if you really loved him, you'd lose the weight. That's NOT how a healthy relationship works. If he's ordering you to lose weight now, can you imagine what he's going to be like when you are married ? What sort of marriage will that be ? That's not the statement of a loving partner.

Have there been other problems ? Have you argued before ? If you're arguing about your weight today, what happens if either of you loses your job ? What happens when you have kids ?!

This is a red flag. You need out of this relationship. If he doesn't love you unconditionally now, he's not going to love you when you lose the weight. He's just going to find something else to cricitize about you. That's not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

How about a time out ? Put the wedding on HOLD. If you've put deposits on flowers, hall, etc... yeah, you're going to lose those. BUT it's going to be a small price to pay for your sanity. Will the fiancee get some marriage counseling right now ? Better now than later.
If he isn't willing to work this out and is holding your wedding hostage until you lose weight, then it really is time to get out of the relationship.

Decent men don't do these sorts of things to the ones they love. He's manipulative. He's a control freak. He's emotionally abusive.

KARMASAYS SparkPoints: (0)
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11/19/13 2:38 P

First off, before you make an decisions...please ask yourself if you are happy being in this relationship and if you can honestly see a future with this person (make sure you're completely HONEST with youself, do not make excuses for the parts that don't make you happy).

People are attracted to different types, and your fiancé is more attracted to thinner women, but it doesn't really excuse the fact that he gave you an ultimatum. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself and not for him. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about your relationship as maybe he wants out and is seeing this as a way to "escape". Never beg to stay with shouldn't have to beg if they TRULY love you. Like others have said, he should love you and want to be with you no matter what.

NS4MOM SparkPoints: (46)
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11/19/13 12:39 P

I know everyone is telling you to leave, but in the end it is your own choice to stay. From my own marriage I can tell you that it will not help to keep doing. That special love that you see some people share is not one based on telling the other person to change. You should lose just so you feel happy and healthy. Don't do it for any other reason. I did for 20 years and now I am just learning to love myself.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 3,293
11/19/13 12:13 P

Oh honey. NEVER beg a man to stay with you. You have just given him all of the power in your relationship.

If your weight is unhealthy, then work on it for yourself. Losing quickly is not a good idea--it is hard on your body, not good for your long-term health and you are likely to gain it back. Losing 1-2 pounds a week and keeping that off is a better way to go.

I hate to comment on other people's relationships without knowing the people involved and the real dynamics...but this does not sound good. You need to think about whether or not you want to live with this kind of pressure and judgement in the long term...from the person who is supposed to be supporting you no matter what.

ADARKARA Posts: 2,273
11/19/13 11:57 A

I agree with everyone else. He is a loser who will just find another excuse down the line to ditch you.

11/19/13 11:33 A

Kick him to the curb. You deserve better. Never allow anyone to treat you like that...ever.

ZORBS13 SparkPoints: (196,558)
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Posts: 15,853
11/19/13 8:15 A

A person who gives you ultimatums like that is a scumbag.

Here's how you lose 200 pounds quick..dump him!

SUNSHINE6442 Posts: 2,290
11/19/13 6:25 A


I agree with all the posters, you are a very pretty girl. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself and not a man! It is shallow of him to want arm candy and if his brain was working correctly he would help you instead of leaving seems just an excuse and it sounds like you are an option!

If you're not being treated with love and respect, check your "Price Tag". Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's "you" who tells people what you're worth by what you accept. Get off the "Clearance Rack" and get behind the glass where they keep all the VALUABLES.

OLGA18 SparkPoints: (23,433)
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Posts: 1,210
11/19/13 3:31 A

I am sorry that you are in this situation but I have to agree with the other posters.

I think his demand is unreasonable, unkind and very, very selfish.

Even if you were to lose the weight I suspect he will always find something that you NEED to change for him to find you acceptable.
What he is saying is that, because you are not what HE considers a perfect specimen that your value as a human being has diminished.
Frankly I think you have a lot more value as a human being than he does.
Cut the cord and free yourself from this person....Even if you lose the weight this relationship will not last.
Better now than later.

FTSOLK Posts: 1,395
11/19/13 1:36 A

I wouldn't want to be with a guy who gave me an ultimatum like that.

What if you get married, and something happens to you? Maybe you get into an accident and become disfigured. What if you get breast cancer and need a mastectomy. What if you lose weight, but become ill and the medication you are on causes you to gain a massive amount of weight?

I'd be scared to death that if the slightest thing happened (even a scrape/scratch on the face), he'd leave me. I would be scared to DEATH that he would find someone prettier.

It's one thing if he wanted you to lose weight because he was honestly afraid that he would lose you due to health issues, but it doesn't sound that way. It sounds like he just wants you to lose weight for all the WRONG reasons.

I, personally, wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that. I know this is your life, but I would think long and hard before you give too much to a man who just wants you for your outward appearance.

Because I don't think you will ever truly be good enough for him.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (250,105)
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Posts: 26,956
11/18/13 11:09 P

I agree with the previous poster .... DUMP the jerk!!! IF he loved you, he would love you warts and all. He is controlling and concerned ONLY about HIM and HIS wants. He doesn't really give too hoots about you! You are better off without him, because it will only get worse as time goes on.

Unless you are exceptionally short, you aren't THAT overweight!

Also, losing weight quickly is NOT healthy and NOT sustainable. Fast losses can compromise your health, and the weight WILL go back on.

You can only do this for you - it doesn't work when a person tries to lose weight for someone else. They might lose the weight, but it doesn't stay lost, and it can also set up a heap of emotional issues.

Medication can and does have a huge impact on some people's weight. Anti-depressants and steroids are two very common ones. The birth control is also known to increase weight. Under these circumstances it can be quite hard to lose it, but it can (usually) be done. You just need to be more vigilant about what you eat/drink. Don't be tempted to UNDEReat because that will set up a whole new set of problems. Perhaps if you are concerned about your weight (I mean YOU . .... NOT him!) then talk with your Dr about it. There may be an alternative medication or tweaking of the meds you are on, that can help you there. I note that "I stopped" this medication - I hope that whatever it was for, it was with the Dr's approval.

Good luck,
Kris xxx

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 11/18/2013 (23:14)
SIMPLELIFE2 Posts: 707
11/18/13 11:01 P

Here's what you do -- dump the guy! You'll drop a load real quick. Seriously. Your profile indicates you gained weight from medicine and he can't support you. Nobody who really loves you would make these kinds of demands.

MISSYC86 SparkPoints: (27)
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11/18/13 9:27 P

My fiance almost left me today. I begged for him to stay and said I would do anything to lose the weight. I need ideas and need to see results quick. He said he loves me but is starting to find me unattractive and it's interfering with our intimacy. He doesn't think I can lose the weight because I have tried before and I don't really follow through with diet or exercise. But I have to this time. Pointers?

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