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ECAT77 Posts: 65
12/31/11 12:27 A

At 9yo, I don't think your daughter is old enough to understand the full repercussions of agreeing to such things. At 12, she may say, "Forget it!" Jewelry, make-up, etc. are usually much more important at 12 than 9. There are other places where she could sing - school, community choirs, etc. where there are no such rules. To risk ex-communication of sorts from a church (which is what it sounds like happened to the Sunday School teacher) over what they see as a discretion of such nature would be devastating to anyone, especially a child. It could alter her walk with the Lord and change her view of church forever in a negative way.

As for someone asking about Scripture backing this up, the church doctrine probably holds to 1 Peter 3 where he says beauty should not come from outward adornment, jewelry, etc. I don't agree with their interpretation of that Scripture, just letting you know where they may be getting their beliefs. Sounds like a Pentecostal Holiness church as they tend to be ultra conservative.

Edited by: ECAT77 at: 12/31/2011 (00:28)
SMURFY0418 SparkPoints: (0)
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12/30/11 2:01 P

There are many community choirs and groups, not to mention the ones at school? maybe this could be an avenue where she could be part of a choir and not feel that the church one is her only option. I do agree, that in 3 years a lot can change. In 3 years, she may realize that those rules dont fit her lifestyle (at 9 she probably figures, I dont want to wear make up or wear jeans to church) preteens will change that decision!

ANDILH Posts: 1,543
12/28/11 7:54 P

As a teenager my dad and step mom attended a church with most of these same rules, even just to attend the church. I hated every minute that I spent in the place because of the rules and the discrimination my sister faced. As soon as I was able I stopped going. That experience has caused me to have problems with organized religion since then (I've tried other places where there was almost always discrimination against my severely multiply impaired sister-and I won't go where she isn't welcome).
If your daughter wants to do it, I would make it clear that it is her choice, and she is free to stop when/if she chooses to. I admire your forethought and maybe that will help your daughter's decision when it is time. You seem to want what's best for her and that's a good thing.

MRSJOCCO SparkPoints: (29,721)
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12/26/11 1:26 P


Edited by: MRSJOCCO at: 12/26/2011 (13:29)
12/26/11 10:52 A

My husband and I are of different religions. He is Christian and I am Taoist. We have decided to teach our children about each religion as well as let them explore other religions and make up their own minds. Right now, they are 3 and 1 so it is not much of an issue. And since you still have three years before any real decision has to be made, I would say don't worry about it too much until the time comes. Between now and then, I would have casual conversations with your daughter about the rules of the choir occasionally. Leave the questions open ended and let her express her opinion and make up her own mind about how she feels about the rules. In three years, she may change her mind about wanting to join. If she still wants to join, I would probably let her. The rules are pretty extreme for most, but I don't see them as harmful. If she really does want to join, let her know she can change her mind anytime she wants if she decides she doesn't like it or can't follow the rules anymore.

HEALTHY14REAL Posts: 2,549
12/26/11 9:44 A

WOW! That sounds very extreme to me. I wonder if they could back that up with scripture?

Do you and your husband go to church? You don't mention why your daughter goes with her grandmother instead of you.

I think that you need to make that decision. Even though she can't do this until she is 12 I believe that is still very young to make such a huge decision. Since it is still 3 years away maybe your best option right now is to tell her that she doesn't need an answer right now that you can work it out when the time is closer. Having 2 daughters of my own (15 and 19 now) let me say that things can change a lot in 3 years. There may not be an issue when the time actually comes.

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12/26/11 8:04 A

Let me start this by saying I am not looking for a lecture on religion. I just want honest opinions on how to handle this situation.

My husband and I are Baptist. My mother is Pentecostal. As my daughter spends every weekend with my parents, she goes to church with them. I do not have a problem with her going. Neither does my husband. She loves going to church there as much as she loves going with my husband's parents when she visits them in the summer.

The problem is this: My daughter wants to join the choir at my mother's church as soon as she is old enough, which will be in three years. I know a lot can happen in three years, but my mother and I have had this talk more than once. To be in this choir, even the children, you have to sign a "contract" that states that you will wear no makeup of ANY KIND (including lip gloss and clear mascara), no pants AT ALL, no jewelry (my daughter has two holes in each ear), you can't go to the movies (I know, right?), no socks on the platform (must be stockings or pantyhose), hair must be pulled up, and you can't cut your hair. Ever. Not even to trim the split ends off. EVER.

I don't have a problem with my mother's church or the people in it. I love them all dearly and have helped out there on more than one occasion. My daughter was blessed with a beautiful voice and I'm proud of her for wanting to be active in church. I don't, however, think that people should make rules that apply to a child's life like that. My daughter likes wearing jeans, makeup and jewelry. She's nine for crying out loud.

I guess my question is this: do we let her make the decision herself, or do my husband and I step in? My mother thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread, and I think the contract is a little over the top. Any advice?

By the way, the church that my mother goes to has already kicked a lady out of the choir, pulled her as a Sunday school teacher, all because she cut an inch off her hair. There have been people leave this church because of these "rules."

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