Discouraged

Just an update:

Very recently, I tried to have a discussion with my friend, regarding some recent actions of hers where she really crossed the line and violated my privacy. I told her in no uncertain terms that I felt very disrespected and unappreciated, and I re-set boundaries with her, explaining that these actions will not be tolerated in the future, and due to her actions, I do not have the same level of trust toward her. I told her that she would have to work to re-gain any trust. I was very clear to make it about her actions and not about her personally.

Well, she turned it all back on me, and basically told me that I have issues, I have no compassion, and that I am allowing "negative influences" to put her in a category of other people who have wronged me in the past. She told me that I am not the same person that she used to know, and that I have changed into a negative person (which I have not at all, I am spending more time with positive and encouraging friends). She did not even take responsibility for her actions, and pretty much said that she could understand that I would be upset for something I "thought" she did.

While I am not surprised, it is very hurtful to hear those things, especially knowing that the things she said to attack my character are not true. I am trying to tell myself that everything she said was just ridiculous nonsense, but part of me feels a need to respond, to defend myself.

Another friend of mine took me to the beach yesterday for a run, to help me clear my mind (Yes! My damaged left leg is getting strong enough that I can actually run for short distances now!) and I have a session with my personal trainer this afternoon. I am trying really hard to ignore my disappointment and discouragement.I am trying really hard to keep to a normal routine and not let this get me down.

It's pretty obvious that this friendship is at the breaking point, and yet she continues to want to hang on to it, by contacting me to tell me that she has done nothing wrong, and I'm the one with the issue and I am simply difficult to please (not true at all). I am a pretty relaxed and easy-going person, but I am not a push-over. I have told her not to call me and I told her I do not want to have a conversation with her.

ANGMARIE11,

I'm glad you are not as slow as I am with figuring these things out--I would hate if you were my age (43) and still putting up with your friend's behavior! I have another friend who is helping me thru this, and she told me something today that is profound. I can't remember the exact words, but it is something like your true friends will encourage you to be your best self. I am naturally a positive person, mild-mannered and have an easy-going personality. For being a shy person, I can be outgoing and outspoken when I need to be. I have not been my best self when I have been around her.

This particular childhood friend, whom I have known since we were both 8 years old, I thought she was much like me, positive and easy-going. But, as time has gone on, I have begun to realize that much of her "niceties" were probably faked, to make it appear that she is always happy. There are times when things would come up and any other person would be legitimately angry or unhappy, but yet, she would show everyone that perfect smile and speak in a sugary voice. I have been picking up on that more and more, as I have listened for some masked negative comments coming out of a sugary voice.

Another thing I have picked up on is her jealousy of the time I spend with other friends, and for the time I spend at church (making new friends). When she hears of me talking of other friends, or if she happens to meet them, she has a lot of negative things to say about them, and she doesn't even know them. I, too, stayed in an abusive relationship for too long. I got the "I told you so's" as well, but I think part of her was happy when that relationship ended, because it allowed me to be free to spend time with her. This friend has basically given up on men (saying that they cannot ever be trusted), so whenever I meet a new guy, or go on a date, or have been in a relationship, she has to comment about how I have to "be careful" because I will end up hurt and "just wait and see."

My sister said that she probably does this because if I do end up finding the right guy, it will mean that I will not have as much time to devote to her, and by her sabotaging behavior and negative comments, my friend probably thinks that I will have more time and attention to devote to her, and then she won't be alone.

I have begun to see how my usual happy, positive self gets dragged way down when I am around her, and I don't want to be like that. I want to be myself, so I have been distancing myself a lot more until I can get to a point where I can make a clean break.

Yes, release the negative! If you ever need encouragement, feel free to add me as a friend or message me.

Hey,
So you guys just made me feel sooo much better about a situation I'm having with my friend from high school. I've known her for about 8 years and have just began realizing what a negative influence she is on my life. She was in a "fender non-bender/paint chipped" in HS 4 years ago hasn't driven since and I have driven her to pick her up 30 minutes away without any money for gas etc. Then she would expect me to drive her wherever she wanted, including bars in the middle of the night. Recently I got out of a really bad/verbally abusive relationship (which i did stay in for too long because of low self esteem) and she thought the way to support me was basically saying I told you so over and over again, until she went back to talking about how she would never do that (she's never even been on a date). I know I have to talk to her about everything but her parents coddle her so when I do it'll most likely be the end of our friendship. But with the end of my ex bf and beginning to feel better about myself I've realized I don't need negative people in my life that need constant attention and tell me how much time I've wasted.
I figure when you release the negative you allow for more room for positive experiences and people. :)

Maria, this friend and I and my daughter went to lunch at a restaurant that gives "clicks" on their business card. Each meal you buy gets a click, and when you get 9 clicks, you get a free meal. The friend "invited" us to lunch, but when the bill came told the waiter she wanted her bill separate and could he please put all the clicks on her card. He actually said, "no how no way".

This is what we need to guard against: blatantly being used. I think that was the first time I ever sat back and took stock of what was really going on.

Evil Passion,

OMG! I could so relate! My friend is unable to drive anymore, due to her diabetes causing her eyesight to fail. Funny tho', she says she is legally blind, but yet, she was recently fitted for new eyeglasses and I have not seen her wear them. She also refuses to give up her driver's license, because she has hope that she will be able to drive again. We'll see when she has the vision test.

So for the past 4 years, whenever we would get together, I would end up driving. Or if she needed to go to a doctor appt or the grocery store. She wouldn't pay for gas, but she would end up "treating" me to lunch or dinner, and that is how we got started of always going out to eat together.

Once I began to take better care of myself, going to the gym more, eating out way less, her treatment toward me started becoming more and more negative. It was like I took that pleasure away from her (eating out), but honestly, her health is so bad, she really can't afford to eat out as much as she does (either health-wise or financially).

I have been spending less and less time with her and I am feeling much better. Somehow she must be managing, someone is driving her around, I am sure.

Salon Kitty,

Yes, when I returned from my deployment earlier this year, I began to look at her more objectively as opposed to any sense of endearment attached, and I began to see that she probably is not mentally well. I thought at first that she may be depressed because of all of her medical conditions, but then I began to realize it was more than that, that she could very well be using her medical conditions to make others feel guilty. I have not had the courage to cut ties entirely yet, only because there is some unfinished business between us. Once I clear that, I will be ready to let go.

Run and Run,

What you said was exactly the sermon that was given at church on Sunday, talking about temptation, and how the Enemy tempts us into believing things that are not true, so that we can be led into guilt and manipulation.

Thanks for the reinforcement!

Larissa,

Yes, thanks for reminding me that she will be fine, too. There was a time when she and I hardly talked because I was living in another state, and earlier this year I was on a deployment. Both times, she managed without me.

I agree with you that she wants an audience. Other than me, the rest of her "friends" are people that she knows on-line from a poetry website she belongs to, but she has not met them ever in person. From how she describes them, they are just as needy as she is, and they constantly call her up or message her to ask her for advice. Perhaps in this way it makes her feel important.

All of the so-called "advice" she has given me over the past 2-3 years has not worked out in my favor, and in addition to costing me in time and money, it has caused strains in other relationships.

Maria,
I have a friend just like this and one morning I realized her company was stressing me and my daughter out so much that we had a variety of anxiety problems when we would leave her. The more time I spend with this person, the more absolutely outrageous she gets in her demands. She does NOTHING for herself if I hang around....meaning if I maintain a close friendship, she even expects me to drive 25 miles to her house to get her, 25 miles to her doc, 25 miles to drop her off, and another 25 back to my house, with her telling me how to drive the whole way. I've asked her why she doesn't find a closer doctor and she just says "but you can DRIVE me"...... I don't know what is with some people, honestly.

Keep up the good work, and seek out positive people. It really does help.

If I was in this particular situation, I'd have to entirely cut ties with that person for my own health/sanity. She's extremely manipulative and not well in the head.

Your friend is baiting a hook. You don't have to bite it.

Here's another thing your chaplain didn't tell you but probably should have: she'll be fine too.

She might not be able to make friends, but to be honest it doesn't sound like she wants them. It sounds like she wants an audience and possibly someone to take out her frustrations on, and those are a lot easier to get than friends. I think she's got you convinced that you're the only thing standing between her and dying a horrible lingering death all by herself and being eaten by Alsatians. Don't buy into it. She has family. She'll find another audience. She'll be just fine.

Archimedes II,

Thank you for being here for me. Yes, I do need to take care of myself. I agree that my friend is too needy, and has more needs than I am able to handle. After talking with my Chaplain for about 2 hours, I came to the conclusion that I have to make a decision about this friendship. He told me that I have two options: (1) distance myself (which I have been trying to do) and when she says upsetting things, to blow it off and not let it affect me, or (2) separate myself from her completely and end the friendship.

Now it is up to me to decide. I do agree that I need a break from her (at least until I can make a choice I can live with). We had a Bible study tonight, and there were other service members there, and it actually felt good to be around others who are not needy and who I could relate to.

My Chaplain reminded me that I can make friends--whereas she probably can't-- and that I will be just fine. I really do need to focus on me and my goals, and get my eating and everything back on track.

Hi, Maria !

You've been a patient friend. But perhaps it's time to put some distance between yourself and this woman. Her problems seem to be worse than everyone elses. She's just too needy. You shouldn't have to put up with her issues as well as having to deal with your own. There really is only so much you can do.

You need to be a little selfish now. You need to take care of yourself. Hopefully your chaplain will be able to provide you with some comfort.

Hi everyone,

Just an update. I did see my friend last Sunday. She wanted to have a celebratory birthday lunch for me. It turned into "all about her," as she says now she "thinks" she has cancer, but doesn't really know, because the doctors "won't tell her anything." She knows my cousin is literally dying of cancer as we speak, plus the fact that my Mom and best friend also died from cancer in 2009, within less than 4 months of each other. No matter how often I tried steering the conversation during the visit, she kept bringing it back to herself. I arrived home exhausted and with an awful stomach ache.

I am taking the first step, I contacted my Chaplain yesterday, and he is meeting with me this afternoon. I have had so much on my mind I have been driving distracted and almost got into a car accident twice yesterday. I called him as soon as I got home, asking for his help.

I'm off to the gym to work off some stress and anxiety, and then going to talk with my Chaplain, and pray, and hope that I can get myself back on track.

Thanks for listening.

Maria

I started exercising a lot and have gained 8 pounds now within a couple weeks :( not sure what to do. Trying not to give up. Any suggestions?

Hi Turtlemonster,

Thank you for your service as well. I am living in a new area now, and working on making new friends and being around more positive people. I am very fortunate that my Chaplain lives only 10 minutes away from me, and he and his wife have kind of taken me in as a "stray" lol. I visit with them for dinners and fellowship. He is also struggling with his weight right now, so he and I look to each other for support in that, and spiritually, too, which is very helpful. I joined a new church this month and it's keeping my spirits lifted.

I have another close friend, who also lives 10 mins away, and he is always giving me positive feedback and encouraging me. He tells me to keep up the good work, since he says he can see it's paying off. He's an athlete, so it encourages me to keep going.

My roommate told me also that he thinks my childhood friend is jealous. Her health is severely in jeopardy, and it was only very recently that she began to change some of her eating habits. Her doctor told her about 3 years ago that she needs to lose at least 100 lbs, and she made a bunch of comments like the doctor doesn't know what he is talking about. She hasn't lost any weight that I can see. Severe denial, I know. And it's killing her, it's so sad. I haven't gotten to a point where I can make a clean break with her yet, a lot of it is guilt, so I need to work on making a decision that I can live with. My church offers a grief group, which I may join. I lost both my Mom and my best high school friend to cancer in 2009, and I think that it's the anticipation of her impending death that is making me not want to deal with another loss right now. My cousin is also dying from cancer right now, and hospice will be getting involved, so it's a lot that's pulling on me at the moment.

Thanks for the encouragement!
Maria

Hi Sealiongirl,

This is a friend that I have known since I was 8 years old (we are the same age) and now we are both going on 43. The main reason I have kept her is because of history. But, I have realized as we have gotten older, we don't have much in common anymore. It doesn't appear that she has very many friends, and I first re-connected with her about 4 years ago, because she has many, many health problems (I recognized afterward from her own doing, by not taking care of herself and eating right). I wanted to be supportive to her because she is a single Mom and I was concerned for her kids that if she were to pass away at any moment (her health is THAT bad), her kids would need someone to comfort them and kinda look out for them.

It was not until a couple of years ago that she began to get really negative about my weight loss. I had a tendency to yo-yo , and for about a year, I struggled to get back on track. One of her "hobbies" is to go out and eat. When I would visit with her, it was what we would do together, because of her bad health and limited mobility issues. Earlier this year, I went on an overseas deployment, and it gave me a chance to distance from her, and gave me time to think, and see what was really going on between us.

Since May of this year, I have been on a good track and the extra weight has been steadily falling off. I have changed a lot of my eating habits, and surround myself with other friends that respect my wishes when I tell them that I don't want to eat out at certain places, or rather make a picnic and eat home-prepared food. So, she's kinda one of those friends that I've had for too long and can't completely break off with. So, I limit my contact with her to the bare minimum, but unfortunately, it seems that even with that, it's enough to continue to upset me. I can't bear the guilt if she were to pass away, and I had broken it off, I couldn't live with that. I'm working on figuring it out.

Thanks for the encouragement.
Maria

Maria, Kudos for being strong and wanting to excel on your weight. Yes the military is very strickt about weight-ins and it is easier if you continue to maintain your weight throught your career. I too struggled towards the last years of my military carreer and being around lots of positive people helped tremendously. Life is short, surround yourself with lots of positve people that will provide you with support and love to continue on your journey and do me a favor, ditch your friend! sounds like she is jealous!!
Thank you for serving our country

I don't mean to but into your private business, but it sounds like this friend has a really negative impact on you. While I certainly don't understand the pressures of being in the military first hand, I do have a very close friend who's in the army and needs to make weight. When we lived together I was close to 230 pounds, and she was around 145 -- but I was still able to see that she needed to lose weight because her career depended on it, and never went off on a, "You think you're fat? Look at ME!" rant, because I knew we both needed to lose weight for different reasons. If your friend is making you this upset and is so selfish that she turns you on your head like this, is she really a good friend? I know it's hard to make that decision, but when people start saying things like this, it might be time to consider whether they are worth keeping around.

Hi Kris,

I agree with you, I think a lot of the reason I have not been firm with her when she has spoken to me in a rude manner is because of her illnesses and my not wanting to upset her and cause her illnesses to be worse. But as I think about it more, she upsets me often, and doesn't seem to recognize that she does so.

She still wants to see me for my birthday this week....I am trying to make plans with another friend, because I want to enjoy my day. She's having a doctor appointment on the day of my birthday, so I can see she might say at the last minute she's not feeling well.

I'm going to treat myself to a massage tomorrow, so hopefully if I do see her within the next few days, I'll be more relaxed!

I'm glad you are more at peace with yourself now :-)

Where it comes to your friend, sometime people just use their illnesses etc as AN EXCUSE to be rude and ignorant. They feel that they can get away with it because "poor me" kind of attitude. Make sure that you TELL her in no uncertain terms that there is NO excuse, NO reason to be rude and cruel! Tell her that if she wants to continue your friendship, that she MUST accept that you have boundaries, and that she has overstepped yours! Don't be so soft. Sometimes we do the other a favour by practicing "tough love"

Good luck,
Kris
Kris

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 8/27/2012 (19:09)

Everyone,

I am feeling much better. I had a pretty good session this morning with my trainer, despite being tired and feeling like I had no strength to lift anything. My trainer did a body fat measurement and said I am at about 23%. He thinks 20% would be a good range for me, because unless you are a body-builder, it would be harder for a woman to get to 15% or something in that range.

He also did measurements, and told me I lost an inch from my waist and an inch from my hips since my last measurents (maybe 3-4 weeks ago). This is despite having that time of the month right now. So I won't worry so much and I'll just keep doing what I am doing!

Archimedesii,

The military also uses a tape measure to measure certain areas (neck, waist, hips, forearm) and then does some calculation to get your body fat percentage. They don't use the calipers (I know!) so I don't know how accurate this is. So, according to their percentages, I am still in an acceptable range (I can't remember what my percentage says right now). They also take in consideration the different age groups. Now that I am older, they are a bit more generous (lol). They encourage us to strive for the goal of making weight without having to be taped, which is what I want to do, because I never felt that their procedure for taping was ever entirely accurate.

My trainer at the gym did use calipers once, and I can't remember what he said the percentage was. I think it was fair, but not quite where I think I need to be. When I graduated from basic training (so long ago) I was 103. I don't think I need to be quite that light, but I think between 115-120 would be a good goal for my height.

My trainer would like for me to strength train a bit more on my own, and I am hoping that once I get stronger, I can do that. My brain injury was not my only injury--I have a bad leg, a bad hip, all military-related injuries--pretty much the whole left side of my body is weaker than my right, and he is helping me to get more "even" so I am not overly-favoring my right side all the time. He doesn't want me to start having pains and issues on my right side for bearing the brunt of the pains and issues on my left.

I am sure that you are right about my friend, that she is not as tactful, and probably doesn't even realize it. I was trying to be supportive to her, because she told me that she has 3 major surgeries coming up--for issues she knew for quite a while that are significant, but she had been putting them off because she did not want to deal with them. I was fine to ignore most of her comments, until the "brain cells" comment. That one really sent my brain into a shock. I hate to think that she may have said it for that purpose. I don't want to think that, but she has been sabatoging so much, I can't be sure anymore. I realize that when people are in pain, they tend to lash out.

When I speak to her again, I plan to tell her that she is not being helpful.

Thanks for the encouragement! I will just continue to do what I do and try not to worry so much, like you said.

Hi Kris,

I have actually read the book you suggested. It was a while ago, and perhaps I need to read it again. It seems I have no problem setting boundaries with others (perhaps because they actually respect them?). I don't know how it is that this friend can somehow derail things so easily for me. She did mention that she has to have 3 major surgeries coming up--and I was trying really hard to be supportive of that, until the question of my weight came up.

My weight right now is acceptable for the military, with 25 BMI, I am at the lowest range of the overweight category. But it is so competitive now with the downsizing, that one or two pounds could get you passed over for advancement, depending on your particular command structure. People are getting kicked out for being overweight, if they have not shown significant improvement. There were a couple of people I knew that went and had liposuction, they were so desperate.

Thanks for the encouragement!

Hello, Maria !

I can see why you were distressed last night, but don't let this friend's comments get the better of you. The military does have strict weight standards. However, that's really not her concern. I'm sure she thought she was trying to be helpful, but some people aren't as diplomatic or tactful as others. She may well be concerned for your health, but wasn't very good at expressing those emotions. I have family members who've made similar comments to me about my weight.

Don't take anything she said personally. She really doesn't understand that things are different in the military.

Also, I thought the military used body fat percentage to determine whether or not a person was fit for duty. BMI is only one way to measure health and it isn't the best because it doesn't take lean muscle into account. My BMI can range from 24-26. Some people might consider that fat. Well, my PCP will tell you that "I'm a skinny lady". She says that all the time to me. I strength train. As a result, I carry a lot of lean muscle. So, the scale may say I'm heavy, but my body fat percentage is low because of the lean muscle.

Have you ever had your body fat percentage done ? If not, have your personal trainer do it with calipers. Don't let them use a hand held meter. get them to use calipers. Even though your BMI might be 25, you may have a lower body fat than you think.

That's why you can't let that BMI reading get you down. Most fitness experts don't use it anymore. It's just a guideline. these numbers aren't written in stone. keep in mind that by BMI standards an elite body builder is considered morbidly obese. I'd hardly call someone with less than 5% body fat morbidly obese.

Try not to worry !

Perhaps you need to set boundaries for your friend, because she obviously doesn't learn - she oversteps the mark often. There is a brilliant book by Drs Cloud and Townsend, called "Boundaries" - below is a link:
store.cloudtownsend.com/boundaries-softcov
er-book.html

I really think that you would benefit from it, and put what you learn into practice!

Where it comes to your BMI, I would have thought that 25 would make it acceptable for the Military - if you want/need to continue losing weight, does it NEED to be 15lb? Is it the Military setting the figure? How ever it goes, I wish you all the luck in reaching your goal, and reaching it without any more hassle. )I fee that perhaps some very overweight people may have lost some brain cells through poor nutrition:-(

Good luck,
Kris

I was talking on the phone tonight with my childhood friend, some of you may remember I wrote on here about her before---she has a lot of health issues, is overweight, and has made many negative comments about my losing weight.

I am 15 lbs away from my goal weight. So near, and yet it feels so far, because lately I have been feeling like I have plateau'd. I'm at that time of the month right now, so I am trying to see the extra water weight and bloating as attributing to that, and not focus so much on this standstill right now. I am eating pretty much the same as I have when I dropped the first 15, drinking lots of water, and still exercising 5-6 days a week.

So, I have not talked to my friend in a really long time, and I have not seen her in a few weeks. She contacted me out of the blue, and I decided it's been a while and I should catch up with her. Well, she asked me how I had been doing, and if I had been making weight (I am in the military and I have weight standards to adhere to). I told her I have been making weight, so I am not being penalized for that, but according to the charts, I am still technically overweight for my height (my BMI is 25), so I still need to lose 15 lbs.

She began ranting at me, saying things like she did before, like "what do you mean you are still overweight? According to what chart? And what makes them (the military) think that you need to lose any more weight? You are already too thin (I don't think I am "too thin" at all), if you lose any more weight, you are going to be sick! If you lose any more weight, you are going to lose brain cells!" And it went on and on and on. My only response was, "I'm on target to lose 15."

I should have been prepared, considering how she had this same attitude with me at the start of my journey---but I think because she asked me specifically "Are you making weight?" it made me think that she was perhaps changing and wanting to be more supportive. Anyone else that ever asks me "Are you making weight?" or "Did you make weight?" are usually other close friends also in the military (she has never been in the military, but she has been around it enough that it's where she picked it up) and those others are usually genuinely concerned, supportive, and want to make sure I am meeting my goals.

I got so discouraged after I got off the phone, especially about the "brain cells" part. I had a traumatic brain injury 5 years ago--which she and everyone in my close circle are very well aware of-- and my balance and coordination are still "off" because of it. My trainer at the gym is working with me specifically on balance and coordination and functional capacity exercises so that I can develop those areas that were damaged. When I don't exercise on a regular basis, I start to get clumsy, fall down a lot, and start to get confused and forget things, like I don't know where I am. Exercise is something that I have to do. I can't take more than one or two days break, or I will suffer.

My birthday is this week, and my friend wants us to get together. That's originally why she called. Now I don't want to see her. I'm mad at myself that I could not respond better to her rant. When I get too overwhelmed or stressed, my brain locks up and has to re-boot, kind of like a computer. I get something like ADHD and can't focus on anything.

I also have post-traumatic insomnia due to the brain injury, and I am hoping that this doesn't keep me up tonight. I need my rest, I will be seeing my trainer in the morning and I want to have a good session.

Thanks for listening.

Maria

Edited by: MARIA11X at: 8/27/2012 (02:33)