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LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 26,763
8/5/14 9:45 P

"Well, when we cook dinner, he gives me portions that are way too big. If I eat the entire portion, I usually vomit. If I only eat the amount I want, he feels bad about himself for "eating too much," or he thinks that I am not eating enough (as I tend to do when I am down on myself). How do figure this out?"

You definitely need to seek professional help!

Having to eat to the point of vomiting is not normal....

MICHELLEXXXX SparkPoints: (12,338)
Fitness Minutes: (5,920)
Posts: 3,812
8/5/14 9:35 P

I encourage you to seek third party professional counseling. Eating to the point of vomiting, for any reason, indicates either a physical or psychological issue and is NEVER the norm.

LARISSA_NY Posts: 200
8/5/14 8:56 P

Your husband needs to just eat his dinner and let you eat yours. Whether he's doing it on purpose or not, he's trying to control your food intake to suit his emotional needs, and that is not a dynamic that can be allowed to continue. You can present him with all the hard data in the world, but I'm afraid until you get to the root of why it is that he thinks the amount of food that goes into your mouth is all about him, this is going to continue to be an issue.

RENATARUNS SparkPoints: (4,367)
Fitness Minutes: (2,155)
Posts: 1,379
8/5/14 8:10 P

You just have to explain it as best as you can and stick to your guns. I have had this problem with both my husband and my mother in law. They're more the cooks in the family than I am and their idea of proper portion size for me is very far off of reality.

I tend to serve myself, now -- that avoids much of the problem. When they do serve me, and despite my having explained, forget themselves and serve too much, I put some of it back before I eat anything. That's it. Their (very mild) hurt feelings from my (very minor) rejection of their food doesn't trump my health.

NIRERIN Posts: 14,327
8/5/14 5:41 P

get to a bmr calculator and calculate the bmrs for you and your spouse. odds are his is going to be at least 500 cals a day more. then ballpark in any exercise that either of you do to get a rough total burn for each of you. on your part, note that you want to lose a pound a week, so that means creating a 500 cal a day deficit. once you have the math done out then show that to hubby. together try and create some simple guidelines for him to portion out your meals. perhaps your portion should be half of his. or 2/3. remind him that if you want more after only half of his portion you can always serve yourself seconds. if you also happen to be someone who spaces their calories out a little more evenly throughout the day and he saves up for dinner, point that out to him. he needs more calories to begin and end with and he's saved up more for the end of the day, so his portions will be larger than your portions.

to put it into car terms, you have the gas tank of a toyota corolla and he has the gas tank of a 4 runner. both vehicles will get you the same distance on a tank of gas, but the corolla needs less gas to do it. and if you try to put 15 gallons of gas in a corolla with a 12.1 gallon tank, you're only going to waste gas because there isn't any room for it. you both have slightly different needs to get you where you need to go.

if you do tend to skip meals when you're down, not only work on that yourself, but share with your hubby that you're doing it.

ACHANSO Posts: 1,074
8/5/14 2:58 P

I feel your pain.
My husband also eats way more than I do- and since he's a little over weight, he shouldn't necessarily be eating more than me anyway if he wants to lose. But he still does, and it causes tension between us because he feels guilty for eating too much- when I order something that is small (aka appropriately sized) at a restaurant, he says "Now I feel like a fattie..." and I feel guilty

I used to be underweight so he was always paranoid about if i was eating enough.

Over time I just had to show him that I could reach and maintain a healthy weight...he knows I track my nutrients on Spark People to make sure I get enough........I guess just talk to him and make him see how much it bothers you and if you need to, show him your tracker to prove that you're getting enough calories.

There are lots of formulas online to calculate your calorie needs or you can ask a local dietician to do so, to get a basic calorie RANGE. This can also help. They are estimates but if you're maintaining weight that's a good sign.

GRAMCRACKER46 Posts: 1,803
8/5/14 2:30 P

Absolutely talk to each other!

KASTRA Posts: 369
8/5/14 1:42 P

Definitely have a conversation. You're newlyweds, so it's one of many seemingly minor details that will need to be worked out so you both have a comfort level, and it's only a big issue if the two of you let it become so.

You should never eat so much you get physically ill, no matter the emotional toll it might have on someone else. That's like whacking your hand with a hammer if you say something that gets him upset; neither one solves the problem. Likewise, he should not feel badly about himself for having different nutritional needs than you. Point out to him that there are a lot of things about each of your nutritional needs that differ, with calories just being one; men generally need more protein than women, women need to be diligent about iron intake than men. There are plenty of other examples. Just as you shouldn't feel like a glutton for consuming extra iron, he shouldn't feel like a glutton for feeding his body what it needs.

There is definitely going to be a way for the two of you to support each other and provide your emotional needs without food as a sore subject. It'll just take a calm conversation or two.

CJGODESS101 SparkPoints: (30,781)
Fitness Minutes: (9,224)
Posts: 611
8/5/14 10:40 A

Does he track his calories? Maybe showing him how you track your calories and compare to his daily calorie allowance will help him to understand your different needs. I definitely recommend sitting down with him to talk to him. You shouldn't eat more food just because it will make him feel bad if you don't eat the same amount as him.

TRIXYMAHOGANY SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (9,522)
Posts: 333
8/5/14 10:03 A

Why would he think he eats too much? My boyfriend probably consumes 3000+ calories a day but he works outside, so when he makes dinner for us he knows to always give me less than he gives himself.

It's really not a big deal, at all. He just needs more food than you do. And don't eat so much that you'll get sick! Sounds like you guys need to sit down and just talk to each other about it, with no drama.

LEC358 SparkPoints: (11,135)
Fitness Minutes: (6,555)
Posts: 2,744
8/5/14 9:35 A

If you both recognize that he needs more calories than you, I would use the SP recipe generator to determine the calories in what you make for dinner and then portion out how much you want based on that number. Since it's an objective measure, neither one of you should feel slighted by that.

Depending on your activity level, you and your husband calorie requirements could differ by as much as 1000 calories.

SPARK_COACH_JEN Posts: 65,996
8/5/14 9:33 A

Is there a reason he has to portion your food for you? Maybe you could just make your own plate?

I don't think you should feel pressure to eat a certain amount based on what someone else thinks. If it's an issue for him and he feels bad, try talking to him about how he's feeling and how you might be able to be supportive of him in other ways. Also talk about your goals for a healthy lifestyle and how he can be supportive of you. I think open communication is really important in situations like this.

Coach Jen

LINDZZ3 Posts: 962
8/5/14 9:24 A

I am looking for some advice. My husband and I got married in March, and we have always struggled with our different serving sizes. He is bigger than me and needs more daily calories than I do. Shouldn't be a problem, right?

Well, when we cook dinner, he gives me portions that are way too big. If I eat the entire portion, I usually vomit. If I only eat the amount I want, he feels bad about himself for "eating too much," or he thinks that I am not eating enough (as I tend to do when I am down on myself). How do figure this out?

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