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TIG123GER SparkPoints: (77,547)
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8/27/13 9:47 A

I had a curfew until the night I got married. My parents installed a mindnight curfew on me in high school and whenever I lived under their roof, that was it. I hated it and bitched about it but I never got into any trouble and my parents usually got a decent night's rest because I was home at a decent time. I think back now and realize that it was only right that I not make my parents worry about where I was or when I'd be home and that it is only common curtesy if you are living under their roof that you take their feelings into consideration. If your daughter cannot realize that her behavior impacts you then I would definitely lay down some rules - it is your house and your car. If she doesn't like it, she can find someplace else to live without the rules. Being an adult means being responsible and respectful and she should be of you.

LEC358 SparkPoints: (11,135)
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8/27/13 9:47 A

I didn't have a curfew when I lived at home during the summers in college but since my parents weren't making me pay for rent, food, or the use of the car (other than gas), I was expected to give them an approximate time for my return home when I would be out late. I was also expected to return their calls to my cellphone within about 15 minutes (or when I stopped driving) if they called to see when I'd be home.

I wouldn't frame the initial discussion as such but s/he who controls the money has the power in this situation. I'd put the initial discussion in more common courtesy/respect the people you're living with terms.

MATTHEW0498 SparkPoints: (32,853)
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8/27/13 9:38 A

I lived at home until I was 19, and I sure had a curfew. My parents always said that if I was under their roof, it was their rules. Although at that age it is hard to see reason when you want to spread your wings and do your own thing, I think it is the right thing within reason. As for a time, it depends on whether the two of you can come up with one and mutually agree on it. My thoughts are midnight-1:00 am.

MLAN613 Posts: 18,821
8/27/13 8:07 A

I never had a curfew, even as a kid! I respected my parents enough and they did me. I just had to let them know whom I was seeing, what I was doing, and about when I'd be home. My sisters and I were all reasonably good kids and did well in school and rarely got into trouble. And never had problems with, say, the police.

And yes, I did live at home for a couple years as an adult. And my parents treated me like an adult. No curfew.

DWROBERGE Posts: 361,575
8/27/13 2:50 A


MAMA_CD Posts: 1,507
8/26/13 7:01 P

Is there a reason that she needs a curfew? You know you're daughter so it's really a personal decision. I have never had a curfew for kids providing that I knew and approved of where they were. Fortunately, I have 8 great kids with very few night time problems, however if you do not feel comfortable allowing her to drive at night, then just state a time, and tell her the vehicle has to be back by then otherwise she will not be able to use it for a while.

ANARIE Posts: 13,192
8/26/13 6:28 P

Folks, this is a Zombie thread. It was posted last March. I'm sure the original poster worked something out.

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,529
8/26/13 3:43 P

I totally agree with Love4Kitties

610PEACH SparkPoints: (7,377)
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8/26/13 2:24 P

So I replied to this string in March, and I have to say that, since that time, I have had a huge change of heart and mind. Although I don't believe I'm firmly in Love4kitties corner, I'm much closer to it than not. Honestly, I believe if I had followed my own intuition and required more of my daughter from the very beginning, I would not be struggling with her now, and she would not be struggling with herself. Live and learn, I guess.

EXNOLA Posts: 317
8/26/13 2:19 P

When I was that age and at home I did not have a curfew. I rarely stayed out past 3 am though. Some nights my parents asked that I be home at midnight or 1, but is was not a disciplinary issue. I, however, did not have to share my car. I think an actual curfew for a grown woman is a bit much, but a respectful agreement you can both handle is probably in order. She obviously cannot hog the car. Maybe she could tell you when she expects to be home and make sure she is right around there or texts/calls you if she is staying somewhere else and always get the car back to you when you need it.

LOVE4KITTIES Posts: 4,690
8/26/13 2:04 P

There are very few reasons that anyone would need to be coming in past 1am, at the latest, on the weekends. Being out in the middle of the night on a regular basis really isn't the behavior of a responsible adult, at least in my opinion. Neither is failing to let you know when she'll be home and letting you know that she's running late when that happens.

I absolutely do NOT believe that, once kids turn 18, the parents should let them do whatever they want, ask no questions and continue to support them at the same time. I think that this is what has led us to have a bunch of 18-30+ year old "adults" (or maybe we should call them pseudoadults) who are still living off of their parents, not working much (working only to get some money to spend on themselves), running around and being out all night, getting their parents to pay for school but partying more than studying, having kids their parents end up supporting/raising, etc. I don't think this is the way to help young adults mature into full adults who are self-supportive, productive members of society.

Adults purchase their own cars, pay for their own stuff, pay for their own housing, etc. Adults support themselves. Most self-supporting adults are too busy working to support themselves to stay out until all hours of the night.

So, I think that if your daughter cannot be respectful of you and herself by being home at a reasonable hour most of the time (without you setting a specific curfew), letting you know if she's running late, etc. that maybe it's time for her to have more of the responsibilities/expectations that an actual adult would have. This would mean buying her own car, paying rent, paying part of the utilities, paying for her food, her school, etc. Once she's got all those responsibilities (or at least more of them than she does now), she'll probably be home earlier at night (or get her own place) because she'll have to get up early in the morning to go to work or she'll be tired from working so she'll want to get home and get into bed at a reasonable hour.

There are ways of being nice and loving your kids, but making them more responsible for their own lives at the same time. Becoming a real adult isn't a punishment, it's just part of life, or at least it should be, in my opinion. Actual adulthood really does need to happen by a certain age. No matter how respectful/responsible kids are, by the time they are 24-25, they need to be real, self-supporting adults. But, for some kids (the ones who are living at home/receiving major support from their parents/going to school with parental funding but who also stay out late all the time and/or engage in other irresponsible behaviors while thinking it's their right to do so and no one's right to question it), I honestly believe that it needs to happen sooner rather than later. Adult responsibilities tend to put a stop to childish behavior.

People don't learn to be adults by being given the freedom to do whatever they want without any questions or expectations. Freedom without expectations or responsibilities is not what it's like to be a real adult.

Edited to add: So, yeah, I do see that my post has a rather hard-line approach. I'm not actually a meanie and I'm not saying that every situation is the same or that things are black and white. I just think that, overall, we give our kids way too much freedom because they are "adults" but we don't give them nearly enough of the responsibilities that come along with adulthood. I'm not saying we should just kick them all out (although I do think that this is very reasonable in certain circumstances), but I do think that a LOT more responsibilities are in order for the vast majority of 18+ kids and a lot more of these responsibilities should come about a lot sooner rather than later for the ones who seem to have had the "freedom" of adulthood go to their heads. Responsibilities temper freedom--that is the way things work for adults. As all of us real adults know, we're definitely not free to do whatever we want without question. We're not really free to stay out late all the time. We could possibly choose to stay out late a lot of nights, but we don't because we also have a lot of responsibilities (have to get up for work, have to work because we have bills to pay, have kids to care for, etc.). It's only our pseudoadult kids who think that being an adult means unlimited freedom with no questions and no expectations. I think that we have a responsibility to NOT let this happen because this is not a realistic way for anyone to live and we're not doing kids any favors by letting them live this way (we're lessening their chances to end up being real, self-supporting, adults by allowing this situation to occur, in my opinion). So, I think that, ideally, we need to take our young adult kids and start adding responsibilities (in a good amount, not just "token" responsibilities, but some real ones) until a reasonable balance between freedom and responsibility really starts to come about. Then, more and more responsibilities need to be added over time until the kid is a real, self-supporting adult.

"They are adults and should be treated as such." I couldn't agree more! No real adult has unlimited freedom and no responsibilities/expectations to temper that freedom.

Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 8/26/2013 (15:38)
PARKSCANADA Posts: 4,802
8/26/13 1:52 P

Curfew - no, common courtesy - yes. I believe it's just good manners and considerate of the people you are living with - no matter wether or not it's college roommates, your parents, or a boyfriend/girlfriend - heck, even your own kids. We ask that all members of our household simply inform each other where they are going, their plans and when they expect to be home. So, my 23 year old will often spend the night with his long term girlfriend; as long as we know he's safe and not to expect him home until the next day everything is cool.

FENWAYGIRL18 Posts: 5,868
8/26/13 1:46 P

She maybe an adult but she's still living under your room and it's not her car and most importantly there are a lot of nuts out at anytime but they are worse after midnight!
I know how you feel she was in a relationship for 3 yrs and you knew him and trusted him, I remember I went out with a few guys that seemed like gentlemen and ended up being pervs! I say what one girl said 11pm on weekdays and 1 am during the weekend that sounds fair.
She's in your house living under your rules and your trying to keep her safe from the freaks out there. As a young woman I was approached by a perv in K mart during the day and had to call security and this was during the day!
Your the parent and she may not like your rules but she's under your roof!

8/26/13 12:51 P

What is your motivation? I'm guessing it's not her being loud/disruptive because you didn't worry when she was in a relationship. If you're worried about her being out late, I would suggest that you don't set a curfew but guidelines.

1. If she isn't going to be home by 10 or 11 or 12 or whatever, have her call/text you to let you know that she's still be out and won't be home until later.

2. If she isn't going to be home that night, have her text you to tell you where she is staying (for safety reasons).

I have followed these guidelines with my roommates and would probably do something similar with my husband if I was married. When I lived in the city with a couple of close girlfriends, we always let each other know an approximate time home and if we would be staying somewhere else. It was never specific, but a general idea: "Hey, it's going to be a late one tonight!" or "Don't expect me- I will crash at Kate's after the party."

I would just say, "Let me know if you'll be out past midnight so I won't expect you." That's hardly too much to ask.

KAYAHSLOANE1 Posts: 10,520
8/26/13 12:44 P

I didn't ever have a curfew from my parents but I was ultra responsible. After 18 a person is an adult pretty much. Unless she is doing something preventing the use of the car or not being responsible in other ways lighten up. Maybe just have her text you, after say, 1am if you are a worrying type. It shouldn't matter if she is dating other guys.

My parents trusted their parenting skills in that area, how does one learn to be an adult if parents are into treating their offspring like they are still teenagers. Gotta cut the cord at some point and trust you did well bringing your children up. Maybe let the daughter know she has to work on getting her own car if that is a concern or contribute to the car insurance, oil changes and other maintenance etc.

My parents were fine with letting their children borrow their cars as long as it didn't interfere with their work schedule, errands or other commitments but don't ever come back with an empty gas tank or under 1/2 tank full. Plus we were expected to help pay for oil changes and basic maintenance. She should be taking steps to get a car at her age anyhow to help her when she is ready to move out from under you.

610PEACH SparkPoints: (7,377)
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3/17/13 9:28 P

I just lived this w/my 20-year-old who lived w/me until 2 weeks ago. I started out trying to enforce a curfew because I needed one for her. It caused no end of strife. So we went to a counselor. Long story short, whether they seem adult or not, they are. And as adults, they need to be treated as such. If you don't want her to have your car, by all means, require her to get her own or "rent" yours from you. If you can't find a place of "ok-ness" w/her coming and going as she pleases, then you'll have to sit down w/her and figure out an exit plan. The "my house my rules" approach is logical but doesn't acknowledge the person you want them to become. Maybe it's better to help her be on her own if you're going crazy w/worry. And I'll tell you, no one told me that the hardest time of raising a kid would be this age. I would have liked a heads up!

SPOORK Posts: 1,193
3/17/13 8:11 P

She's too old for a curfew. She's an adult and should be treated as one regardless of whether she's living with you or not.

SUGAR0814 Posts: 5,474
3/17/13 5:08 P

My mom gave us a midnight curfew.

RUBENB2003 Posts: 14,837
3/17/13 2:49 P

I usually had 11 as a curfew and on special occasions could stay later

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,529
3/17/13 2:47 P

I don't know. When I was this age, I didn't have a curfew. That being said I was very respectful of the unwritten rules.

Since it is your car that she is using. I think it is perfectly acceptable to have some ground rules.

MKMMARTY Posts: 6,788
3/17/13 10:26 A

It really depends on the individual - I work with young adults and some are very responsible and other - well who in the world raised them - spoiled immature brats - self centered - careless - the world owes them everything - they need disciplined - and most likely the parents do too

SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,271)
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3/17/13 10:19 A

The fact that the car is not her own is huge to me. But then I was never generous with letting my kids take my car, especially all hours of the night, doing who knows what. My X and I helped our kids get their own car. If they paid for their own gas and insurance, I don't recall either of us saying anything about them being out late.

For me, when the kids went to college, they almost never lived with us after that, and even stayed in their college towns to work most of the summers. This issue never really came up because if they were home for a short time period, they just didn't go out and party all hours of the night, no matter whose car they had. I think a parent who owns the car and the home has every right to set rules including a curfew though I'm not sure if I would have done that since I was never in a situation to even consider it.

Sometimes circumstances throw you for an unexpected loop. When my son was 18 he got his 17 year old gf pregnant, and they got married before the baby was born (he was 19 and she was 18 by that time).

So my daughter, 21 at that time, came home from college to visit with her also 21 year old bf. My normal self would NOT have let them sleep together in our home even though I KNEW they were pretty much living together at college. So knowing they lived together at college, and the fact that I DID allow my married 19 year old son and his wife to sleep together in our home (only after they were married, though!), it just felt too strange, awkward, and hypocritical to ask the DD not to sleep with her bf. So I said nothing and they did sleep together at our house.

The two of them got married last year, which is nice, and also ironic. Last night I had a horrible dream that she was still single but announced she had a new boyfriend, She would not bring him to meet us... but the details started to trickle out that he was a "reformed" former gay prostitute, and was 64 years old! And of course we parents were supposed to understand people can change and we should not be judgmental! To me, it was actually a night mare and I was in tears and devastated. Why would I dream something so stupid and horrible?

I told my husband about this dream and he instantly made the connection that I missed! We had Watched Deuce Bigalow, European Gigelow on DVD that previous day! Ewwe! Sorry for going off the topic a little but had to share this! I will admit I'm glad she married someone her own age who most certainly does not have that type of "background." emoticon

Edited by: SUZIEQUE77 at: 3/17/2013 (10:21)
DRAGONCHILDE SparkPoints: (61,458)
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3/17/13 3:09 A

I read y our post a few times to try and get a feeling for the situation here. The reasons I see that you want to impose a curfew are:

1) You're uncomfortable with your daughter dating.
2) You requested that she not stay out too late, but she opted not to.
3) You worry.

None of these things is compelling enough to attempt to impose a curfew on a grown woman. I know you still see her as your "baby", but at 19 (or 22, since you're not specific... that's a big range. how old is she, actually?) she is old enough to make her own decisions.

As for the car, is her use of this car preventing someone else from doing so? If not, it would be a grave mistake to try and take it away just to make her do what you want.

Unless she's doing drugs, engaging in prostitution, or otherwise engaging in risky behavior, I don't think you're going to help her or your relationship by trying to control her at this point. You've done your job as a mom. Now it's time to trust in your own parenting skills, trust your daughter, and *let her go.*

When I was a teenager, I respected and loved my mom a great deal for her trust in me. I didn't have a curfew even at 16 or 17, and we just maintained good communication. I always knew I could call her if I had a problem, and she always knew where I was. But that was as a minor, not an adult. When I moved back home after college, she didn't have anything to say about my whereabouts. I'm sure she worried; she's a mom. That's what we do. But she trusted in me, and herself, and believed that the lessons she taught me would stick.

I think it's reasonable for you to ask her to respect your concern, and let you know if she's going to be out late just so you know. But trying to control those hours is going to backfire and drive a wedge between you. And prevent her from reaching out to you if she does get into trouble.

She's an adult. Treat her like one.

HEIDIOHS SparkPoints: (69,753)
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3/16/13 10:21 P

I can't imagine a curfew would work for a young adult. Once my kids turned 18, I stopped imposing a curfew - but they had their own cars. It's important to show them you trust them though (they tend to be more trustworthy when you do). I think it's reasonable to ask them to communicate with you so you're less likely to worry, but once they are adults, if you trust them with the car at midnight, you should trust them at 1-2am if you know they are planning to be out "late".

JEN_IN_CA Posts: 1,179
3/16/13 9:49 P

I think someone aged 19-22 (especially 21 or 22) is a bit old to have a curfew imposed, or to be punished for staying out late by having car privileges revoked (unless her staying out late is interfering with her job/school). At this point, she's an adult and should be treated like one, even if she's living at home.

TIG123GER SparkPoints: (77,547)
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3/16/13 4:48 P

I had a curfew of midnight until the day I got married when I was at home. I got married right after I graduated but came home for the 3 weeks between graduation and marriage and my parents still held me to a curfew. I resented it but I never got in trouble.

GRIZ1GIRL SparkPoints: (197,114)
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3/16/13 2:28 P

I spent 3 of my college years living on campus, and my final year at home, to save money for a post-graduation move....and I had NO CURFEW. My parents realized I was an adult, and when I lived on my own I came & went as I pleased, without checking in with anyone. They gave me that same respect & courtesy when I lived at home.

REDSHOES2011 SparkPoints: (0)
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3/16/13 1:33 P

Problem is she is a adult and I don't even go there with my own 20 year old son.. Sure as long as he is under my roof, I ask him to keep down the noise and limit the friends because I don't have a husband to help with the bills.. But directly say be home by this time.. That's treading a fine line to huge conflict... My son gets pived if I ask him when he will be home for dinner.. I make it, film it and leave it in the fridge- his eyes, nose and mouth have not failed as yet to take care of himself.. I don't even bridge the subject whom are you with- if he feels inclined he will bring several home. I get praised by his friends because I keep out of his stuff (business).

Edited by: REDSHOES2011 at: 3/16/2013 (13:36)
3/16/13 12:41 P

Anarie is absolutely right. Your child is now an adult. While it's often difficult to make the transition from dealing with a minor to dealing with an adult, it is absolutely required for your child to grow up to become a self-sufficient human being.

If you put too many rules down, you run the risk of driving her away. My father once declared to me that if I didn't like how he ran things, I could "get the eff out of (his) house." I did just that, and never came back, and I mean NEVER.

I think the earlier suggestions of having her text you or call you are good ones. Also, the suggestion that you do the same for her, is a good one. Show your child what it means to be a respectful grown-up, by acting as you would have her act.

Edited by: LILLIPUTIANNA at: 3/16/2013 (12:41)
I_HEART_MY_FAM Posts: 1,809
3/16/13 12:24 P

No curfew but total respect. Ask for a time everytime they leave and tell them if they stay later or are not coming home for the night to please text your phone or call. My oldest daughter had me pacing some nights for not following the rules. I have a 17 year old and she best not put me through that again, she seen how I worried with her sister so she best not is all I have to say.

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
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3/16/13 12:17 P

Once I turned 18, there was no longer a curfew but I did always make sure my parents had the number where I was, or what time I would be home etc.

RIET69 SparkPoints: (47,087)
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3/16/13 8:54 A

For young adults, I don't know. But yes for teens.

TIMDEB Posts: 541
3/16/13 8:18 A

I believe it depends somewhat on your own bedtime. Kids, young adults also need standards and curfews.

MARTYJOE Posts: 428
3/16/13 8:06 A

I think some young adults need to have guidance but I'm sure that curfew is not a positive approach. Letting your children make choices and their consequences is a way of growing up.

BBYGIRLBELLA SparkPoints: (10,113)
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3/15/13 6:51 P

I never had a curfew, and I do mean never. But there was always a set time that if I had decided not to be home by that I would call every 2 hours. Which I never was home by that time but I did always call. It was a little annoying but as my mom put it her house her rules, I can make my own rules when I have my own place. It worked for both of us I got to stay out late and she got to know where I was, what I was doing, and that I was okay every 2 hours. ANARIE does have a good point but it is your daughter still and not just a room mate or just another adult so you can maybe go at it a combination of both ways even. Oh and on the 2 hours calls, if I went somewhere else or was with another friend before the next 2 hour call came up, I was supposed to (and I did) call immediately. My mom had me doing this when I was even 13, and a bit more rebellious then. It worked.

ANARIE Posts: 13,192
3/15/13 5:52 P

What do you mean by age "19-22?" You're talking about one person, right? How old, exactly, is this one particular young woman in question?

There's actually an important difference between 19 and 22. At 21, she's legally an independent adult by any standards. The relationship changes; she's not your baby but rather an adult living in the home of another adult. I really don't think you can give a 21-year-old woman a curfew. At that point, it becomes a question of the guest adult being polite and respectful to the host adult, and that's the way I would approach it. When two people live together (or close by), it's just common sense for each of them to let the other know when to expect them home and when to start worrying and send out a search party. And that's the way to approach it, IMO-- just say that you do need to know when she plans to be in, and to notify you if her plans change. It's not really your business what time that is, as long as she sticks to it. Hopefully, she'll learn to say, "Don't expect me until 2" and then come in at midnight. If she's driving your car, it's doubly important, because you'll be the one who gets a call if her vehicle has been parked in the same place long enough for the police to notice. You need to be able to say, "Yes, it's all right, she said she would leave around this time," or "No, it definitely shouldn't be there; please look for my daughter."

And remember that you need to do the same for her! She deserves to know what your plans are, too, so she doesn't worry (and so that she knows ahead of time if she's not going to have access to the car.) Just start a practice of letting each other know what's up. It's not a curfew; it's the adult way of dealing with shared living space. And it's an excellent habit for her to get into so she'll do the same when she moves out and has roommates.

IRISHFANUH87 Posts: 1,038
3/15/13 5:29 P

I personally think 1:00 am is a pretty reasonable curfew. My parents never really enforced a curfew with me once I was in college and didn't live at home except for summertime. When I was at home on the weekends they never really said anything about curfew....then again I was a very trustworthy kid. Before that, it was 1:00 on weekends and they would go to bed and set an alarm for that time. When we got home we turned off the alarm, that way my parents weren't waiting up and would be awoken if we weren't home by that time.

DMJAKES Posts: 1,635
3/15/13 2:37 P

In the end, it's your house, your car, and thus your rules. There's a fine line between allowing an older child some freedom and autonomy and allowing them to determine where all the boundaries are.

I was given a piece of advice that worked REALLY well with my son....not so hot with my daughter. Sit down with her and ask what she thinks the house rules ought to be. You might be surprised and be closer than you think. Once each of you has some input, try to reach a compromise that's acceptable to both of you. Agree on what the consequences will be for noncompliance. Then, if the rules are broken, pre-determined consequences will occur, and there should be no need for discussion, arguments or bargaining.

Good luck....these years are the hardest to find balance with your children, IMO.

3/15/13 2:37 P

Txt msg or phone call if they're gonna be out later than midnight

CARTOON3 SparkPoints: (36,232)
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3/15/13 2:33 P


LOUNMOUN Posts: 1,334
3/15/13 2:30 P

What are you afraid will happen if your daughter is out late? How late is too late to you? What does too late mean to her?

If you need the car or her coming home after a certain hour will disrupt the household then I understand setting a specific time and I would discuss what time seems reasonable with her as she is an adult.

I think a better policy than a curfew for a young adult sharing living space would be to ask her when she will be home and tell her you expect her to contact her if it is going to be later and let her live her life. If she is staying out late, not going to work, not helping around the house, etc then maybe it is time for her to pay rent or move out.

She can get a ride from someone else so merely taking away a car will not keep her home and will put her more at the mercy of others... maybe people she doesn't know well.

DIDS70 Posts: 5,368
3/15/13 12:42 P

I lived at home until i was 23 and bought my own place. You bet there was a curfew. i had until 1:00 am on weekends and 11:00PM weekdays unless I was at work. I worked parttime fast food as well as full time at the deli. The deli was more standard hours. Typically we closed at 9:00 PM so being home by 10:15 PM was the norm. The fast food restaurant closed much later so being home sometime after 1AM.

My Dad always said "my house, my rules. You don't like it.-- there's the door." If I was going to be later, i did call.

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (248,191)
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3/15/13 12:32 P

I can't offer much insight as far as the time, but could you agree that if she will not be home by a certain time that she call you?

I would hate to be dating or have to worry about a son or daughter out late these days. Too much craziness.

(and Gibby, Gibby, Gibby emoticon too bad you aren't closer - I would so volunteer to be your dogsitter!)

Edited by: OBIESMOM2 at: 3/15/2013 (14:44)
AKATHLEEN54 Posts: 601
3/15/13 12:26 P

Just wondering.... what do you think is a reasonable time to expect 19-22 year olds that still live at home to be home at night? I'm struggling with this one recently since my daughter broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years. I was very "comfortable" with him,but now that she is back into the "dating" scene as a Mom I worry. The hour keeps getting later despite my requests that she "not stay out too late". I want to impart a curfew and I fear if that doesn't work I will have to remove car privilege's (since the car is not her own) but in the meantime, I've never had this problem. Any insight??

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