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WOLFKITTY SparkPoints: (73,553)
Fitness Minutes: (50,342)
Posts: 25,731
7/15/12 11:25 A

I do that too. It used to be a bit of procrastination as a kid, but turned more into an avoidance oping mechanism. When I was depressed at 13, I would sleep to get away from it. That's when it was the worst. As an adult, I turned it into just thinking about something else. It's good that you recognize it, because that means you have the power to change it. Just do it a little bit at a time.

For me, I'd better get dressed and get driving otherwise I'll miss the Zumba class in half an hour!

Take care,

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
7/15/12 8:27 A

Well, having not posted here (and not done anything toward my health goals) for... two weeks now? I've gained back up to where I started, and I've cut back on the teams and the challenges I've been doing. I think that's part of it... actually, there are a lot of aspects to my lack of motivation, and I know feeling like there's 'too much' is one of them.

That's always been a thing for me. If there's too much to do - say, if there's too many papers to go through and file, too many dishes to do, to many clothes to fold - I will have a hard time doing it. It will feel overwhelming to me, and thus, I try to forget it. Put it out of my mind, to get the sense of relief I feel from the anxiety of "MUST DO MUST DO MUST DO". Having anxiety issues, I need to learn how to listen to the "too much" vibe, and stop adding more to my plate.

So, I'm back to basics. I'm okay with that.

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/29/12 5:58 P

Motivation is a hard thing to find at the moment.

I'm unsure how to explain why. Just .. no energy. :(

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/23/12 2:28 P

Oh MAN, was that hot but fun!

We didn't stay out all day, we would have been truly sick from the heat if we did. It's over 90 degrees (Fahrenheit) out there, and I was sweating like a little piglet! But honestly, it was a good walk, and a REALLY fun time.

Lunch was eventful. We had a picnic on a picnic table near the swimming pool that Sebastian is DYING to go swimming in. (This means he wants mom in a swimsuit. WTF. WTF. WTF.) I told him we could go someday. I will keep that promise, just hope he's patient for that 'someday' to come.

As we were eating, a tiny TINY frog caught Sebastian's eye. He caught him! He's a frog and lizard catching expert, really, having practiced so much at his grandparent's house. Anyway, he brought the frog over, and I held it a bit, then I took pictures of him and the frog. Then two more little boys came over and man, that was a blast! They were chasing the frog and yelling at it, and I was laughing so hard. Then all through the zoo, the two boys and their aunt/nanny/gramma/something (I'm guessing? It wasn't their mom, she said she took a photo for their mom) walked with us from the beginning to the end of the zoo.

Anyway! It's not a big zoo, just a very hilly one. More of a natural habitat sort of place, rather than a really fancy zoo. It's enough for the kids, though, and I admit I love seeing all the animals. Took us only about 30 minutes to walk through, but we were all so hot at the end that we piled into the truck and just sat there in the AC for a bit. Sebastian was drinking exorbitant amounts of Powerade, and when he got home he just chilled in front of the fan in our bedroom for a bit.

So! I'm about to transfer the photos from my camera, and make a blog post, complete with pictures. And later, I will be mowing the back yard. Man, I rock.

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/23/12 8:59 A

Truly excited for today's fun. :) I haven't been this excited for AGES!

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/22/12 10:32 P

Aww, thank you for the well wishes!

I'm having a great summer so far, excited about the challenges I've joined. I keep losing and it's feeling very good. :) I'll admit that I LOVE the weight loss, though I was hoping the scale would drop during the challenges, not RIGHT before. Ahh, can't complain much though, can I?

Tomorrow I'm going on a picnic with my husband and my son, at the zoo! I'm terribly excited, looking forward to all the walking we'll get to do. A fantastic way to start off one of my challenges.

On another note, Sebastian is having issues that look to his grandmother like the same ADHD his father has and struggled with as a child. I'm worried about him, but I'm working on getting him focused.

JIBBIE49 Posts: 73,586
6/21/12 8:30 P

emoticon Happy SUMMER TIME.

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/18/12 7:25 P

Finally having gotten over another summer cold, I'm finally feeling up to getting going and on my feet again. Cooking healthy stuff and just being active.

I hate being sick. :( But now I feel like I'm catching up and I'm too busy to write. I also don't like that.

Ah, can't have everything we want!

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/11/12 6:17 P

After writing a rather huge blog, I decided to come here and write a bit more. I have the urge to do some exercise but having just eaten dinner I know that it wouldn't be very good for me. I'll wait until about 7:30 to do some cardio and strength training.

I'm probably not going to go for a walk tonight, though I'd like to. My knee has been acting up, and I don't want to exacerbate it by walking around out there. I'd like to do some stuff here at home though, so I can easily stop and start when I want to.

Some thoughts about my blog post.

I wrote that over the course of a few hours. I'd put it down, come back to it. Type more. Leave again. Trying to put things that are intangible into words is nigh on impossible.

One of the things that I still consistently have to do, is remind myself that I won't feel full forever. I know that's usually something that's comforting for a lot of people, and yes, I find a bit of solace in knowing that I'm well fed with good food, and not junk. But it's surprising how much of some of this stuff one has to eat to meet the minimum caloric requirements, and I end up feeling more full than I like. I have to remind myself it'll go away.

This is the type of thing that reminds me that I can't expect a normal relationship with food, but I can get as close as I can. :)

Intense day, but a good one.

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/10/12 4:16 P

Getting home from a huge huge huge trip from the grocery store means putting away the huge amount of groceries you bought. I think that's my least favorite part of it.

I wasn't anticipating such a big trip. What I do know now is that for other trips, it will not take nearly as long. We got things this time around that we needed (and that I was previously too anxious to go to the store for myself) like balsamic vinegar and certain spices, and just... stuff to cook with, and stuff that will keep, in cans or pasta or whatever. Stuff to freeze like meat that was on sale. Whatever.

So when I get home, the first thing I do is cut up a tomato and eat it with some wheat crackers and tuna salad. Holy. Crap. That was like dying and going to heaven. Maybe because I was so hungry at the end of the trip! Regardless, it was a perfect tomato!

Enough about all of that.

I'm down weight-wise again. This is a good pattern. I'm hoping to keep it up! My lunch was a little bigger than normal (about fifty calories over goal) because of all the calories I burned walking around and hefting groceries.

Ahh, today's a good day.

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/9/12 6:09 P

Trying very hard not to weigh myself again until I have to, which is probably going to be this coming Friday, when the 5% challenge hopefully starts. Or really, whenever! I know there was one day I did terribly (with some junk food) but it was just one day and I got right back in action.

Trying out different things on Netflix for aerobic exercise, and I find that I'm just not very coordinated right now with the dancing. I do as much as I can with Zumba and other aerobic dances but it ends up working my legs a lot, but doesn't feel like I'm doing much of anything else. Walking at least lets me feel like I'm exercising, and it's weird to see how many more calories the dancing burns than the walking. I remember back when I was doing more tae-bo type stuff, and I might try the kickboxing things on Netflix.

Going grocery shopping tomorrow, and feeling nervous about it. I don't know why. I don't to get too much or too little, and I want to be sure to get stuff that I can eat and that my family enjoys. My husband doesn't much like veggies and salads, but I can try. My son, on the other hand, loves salads and fruits and veggies.

He's such a blessing. :)

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/8/12 1:58 A

I told myself I wasn't going to weigh myself until Friday morning. You know, when you're supposed to be at your lightest. I was really afraid to see the number had climbed.

Nope! Instead, it was down by 5.2 pounds!

I haven't been trying to lose THAT much weight, but I think if my body wants to lose it quickly at first, it will. I'm really excited that it's going so well and I can see AND feel the changes!

LSTEMM SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 69
6/7/12 11:20 P

I am so happy that you are feeling healthier , that is my goal . you keep ou the good work and together with Spark with can do it!! emoticon

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/7/12 2:44 P

I'm enjoying feeling healthier too much to quit!

I'm starting a summer challenge here on SP, and I'm excited to learn that my husband has earned a little extra money, so I'll be able to buy a scale of my own instead of having to take weekly trips to the in-laws house. I got rid of mine a while back, when it got too depressing.

Sad, too. That scale I threw away got me through years of turmoil. Weird how we get attached to things. BUT that's another good reason why I want to get something that I can read easier and be happier with, and is NEW. I need new. New is good for me.

I need a new me and I'm getting there.

JIBBIE49 Posts: 73,586
6/6/12 11:55 P

Don't quit. That is all that matters. Most everyone gives up and goes back to old habits.

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/6/12 9:25 P

Thank you so much. :) I think I discovered that today. That I actually feel like I deserve it. That was a really odd feeling.

I've noticed that the more I take control of my fitness, the happier I am. It was always a control issue for me. I wanted so much control. And now I have it, in a way I really should have had it to begin with.

I did struggle with meeting my calories today. I didn't eat enough but I'm just so excited about seeing a friend of mine that I haven't in ages tonight... my appetite just wouldn't help me!

Back on track tomorrow.

6/6/12 5:20 P

Hi Cindy! Thanks for sharing a bit of your history here; reading it really helped me! I too have struggled with disordered eating since childhood and have also dealt with depression and anxiety in recent years. It's made for lifelong struggle with weight and food, but I'm determined not to give up. We're not only capable of being stronger, healthier individuals; we freakin' DESERVE it!

It's awesome that you're taking small steps to set yourself up for success, instead of the other way around. And congrats on your loss so far! I've already found the SP Community a great source of motivation and I think you will too. Take care!

CINDY_LYNNE Posts: 250
6/6/12 3:21 P

Yes, I said adventure, damnit.

I've decided to try to make this as fun as possible, and I know I can do it. I incorporate my son into a lot of the exercise I do, and it's been a blast so far.

A bit about me, and though I don't know exactly what's supposed to go here, I can't help but think that being accountable means being accountable to every part of what's contributed to where I am now, and how I'm going to get away from it.

I've always had issues with food. What started out as a child as emotional eating turned into restriction, eating disorders, and binging and purging in my late teens and into my 20's. I am the biggest I've ever been now, after the death of a loved one caused some pretty unexpected and horrible reactions, emotionally. After being sedentary and afraid to move for close to two years, I'm recognizing that I need to change, or I'll die too.

I have been diagnosed with BiPolar 1 disorder for years. Unfortunately, being uninsured means being without the medications that stabilize me, and so I am prone to bouts of depression and mania, and I recognize that. I'm trying very hard to keep an eye on myself, and maintain reasonable goals and efforts, and I'm trying to be sure to recognize if I start swinging into a manic episode. I want desperately for this motivation and need to be healthy to be real, and not some fluke of my psychiatric disorder.

Now, with all that unpleasantness out of the way, I will say that when I started, I wanted to lose 139 pounds. That's a lot. I know it's a lot. But it's certainly not impossible and I'm starting out small this time. (I've already lost 2+ pounds!) I'm not overdoing the things I overdid before. I always set myself up for failure. Always. I'm not letting myself do that this time.

So, I want to exercise every day. Even if it's something like housework, which for me right now IS exercise. I want to eat within my calorie range. Those are the things I want to be held accountable for. Those are the things I will need motivation with.

That's all for now. I hope I did this right, but it felt right. So ... yeah!

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