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MISS3EVA21 Posts: 222
2/7/13 5:14 P

It is tough living like that, you are incredibly hurt. These pages on the spark are good to let it out. I have been there and found that, when I took care of myself I felt better. Exercise and getting lost in my books helps incredibly. I always thought that if I took care of myself first it was selfish. Now I realize that it is the thing I should have been doing all along. If I am good, my family is good. Don't take blame, it is no excuse to be abused, or bullied. Just think of your time and make sure you do it. 15 minutes a day, doing something for you.

AKHJMCA SparkPoints: (864)
Fitness Minutes: (421)
Posts: 31
1/30/13 12:34 P

Don't be a doormat. You don't deserve to be hurt by his harsh words. My advice would be to tell him how his words make you feel and ask him what he thinks would be a solution to the problem. This will force him to think about why he said it and take the pressure off of you to figure out what you're doing wrong (in his eyes). If he has an answer, and it's something you're comfortable with, then try it. If he doesn't, then suggest counseling and see how that plays out. Throw the ball back in his court. You might have to step out of your comfort zone on this one. I agree with a previous post that suggests to you to LIVE YOUR LIFE. Continue to do things that uplift you and maybe try some new things. Don't let him dictate how you feel about yourself. I'm praying for you.

LIBBYL1 Posts: 5,933
1/29/13 10:13 P

You need to get some form of counselling together - professional, through a church, a friend you both trust.....
Inevitably it is actually about him not you, but for a relationship to work so that it adds value to both of you, he needs to understand that he cannot use you as his punching post (and words do punch). So many people end up in a cycle of hurting each other because they are not dealing with their own frustrations and then that relationship is not a healthy place for either to be.

1/29/13 7:07 A

I am sending prayers, encouragement, and hugs your way. You are a really amazing person who is fearfully and wonderfully made, You ARE special, you ARE interesting and don't let him tell you otherwise. Stand strong in your heart and KNOW it. Believing all of those lies he's telling you is the worst thing that you could do to yourself. emoticon emoticon

JADOMB SparkPoints: (134,622)
Fitness Minutes: (68,349)
Posts: 1,708
1/26/13 8:29 P

Relationships are tough. Some folks start off rocky then grow up. Others have a great first 10/20/30 years and they "fall out of love". The one thing I see that troubles me the most nowadays is just that very few really can handle tough times and/or for any length of time. They were raised on quick fixes and satisfaction, sound bites, cheats(gamers), liberal ideals, etc.. They are just not equipped for long term relationships like they used to be.

That being said, you need to communicate with him and truly find out what's going on. If it takes a counselor, then do it. Try to find out the real issues, and what if anything there is to do to correct it. Keep the faith.

SUECHRIS50 SparkPoints: (72,085)
Fitness Minutes: (62,517)
Posts: 3,243
1/25/13 2:06 P

I think that alot of times,men have to say something negative to make themselves feel good.My DH would NEVER say anything like that to me!!Speak up right now and get to the bottom of it.If you dont it will smolder like a volcano building up steam.You are way too special to put up with that crap!

ATTACCA Posts: 46
1/17/13 11:22 A

I can definetely see how that's hurtful to hear. I'm sure he's got several good, redeeming qualities, but it seems like his bad days don't make HIM very "fun" to be around either. Perhaps he needs to look in the mirror. Nobody is perfect, and no one person is going to be "fun" 100% of the time. We all have our moments, where we are tired, cranky, hungry, bored, or whichever, but we're human.

I think that both of you need to find a joint hobby. Something that you both could enjoy that involves both of you stepping outside of your comfort zone, or trying something new. This could help with giving you both a way to relieve every day stress in a healthy way, while giving you something to bond over and talk about. It should be something you both try to do, together, on a regular basis.

Some suggestions:

1) Join a co-ed softball team in your area. Many are either hosted/arranged by either the local City/County Recreation Department or local adult intermural leagues. They are intended for active amatuers/intermediates. (Several of my couple-friends do this. It's a great way to get active too.)

2) Go hiking together every weekend. Try new spots.

3) Experiment with new things, like paintball or lasertag, together.

Or anything similiar. Something you can do together, as a team.

MELMOMOF4 SparkPoints: (7,311)
Fitness Minutes: (1,404)
Posts: 1,455
1/17/13 9:52 A

my husband and i both went through this very same thing. we went through couseling through our church. we did this for about 16 weeks. we are now better than we have ever been. i pray that it gets better for you. anytime you wanna talk feel free to message me. i will try to help in anyway that i can. your in my prayers.

ZEDMAY Posts: 41
1/15/13 6:57 P

I would see a marriage counsellor for at least a few sessions. If you feel like his personality has changed recently, there may be stress outside the marriage that he is dealing with, and he needs to learn some skills to help handle that stress instead of taking it out on you. If there is no outside stressor, it sounds like you both need to learn to communicate in a healthier, more respectful way, so that the anxieties you describe can be dealt with in a way that doesn't hurt either of you.

1GROVES2 Posts: 10,391
1/15/13 12:20 P

My husband treated me horrible when we first got married...I really don`t know why, but he would go off with his friends and leave me out...example:
One time 3 of his friends came over, they ordered pizza and split the cost 4 ways, then my husband told me loudly & in front of them , that I didn`t get any because I didn`t help pay... I didn`t have a job at the time.
When I did get a job, he didn`t like it cause I wasn`t available at anytime ...

He needed to grow up! and finally did after 30 years ...we will celebrate 37 yrs in May.
Its work ,but if he had filed for divorce I wouldn`t have fought it.
Sorry you are hurting, remember you are God`s special are special to God and always will be.
Bless you,

GAMEDUTCHESS SparkPoints: (781)
Fitness Minutes: (723)
Posts: 93
1/15/13 1:18 A

You said he has changed more in the last few months.

Is it possible he is having an affair?

Is there trouble at work?

Do you have finacial problems?

Maybe he is just saying these things to cover up something else that is going on.

HONEYJANA SparkPoints: (17,695)
Fitness Minutes: (57,274)
Posts: 9
1/14/13 9:03 A

I agree with cracker jack and I'd also add that you should tell him how you feel. Tell him how hurtful it is when he says things like that. And ask if there is something specific he is referring to (maybe you work more then you did or he is just upset about something else). Ask him if there are fun things the two of you can do together. Marriage is a lot of work! I'm hoping you guys can find a way to make it work!!!

CRACKERJACK2825 SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (11,189)
Posts: 262
1/13/13 12:04 P

Isn't marriage FUN??!!

Did we marry the same guy?

As for his comment about not being able to accept you and love you for who you are, that is a line that is hard to uncross. Once someone says those words, it's nearly impossible to take them back.

This is my advice to you: live your life. You didn't mention children, so I can't offer advice there. Sign up for a class you have been dying to take. Volunteer at a nursing home or a children's hospital. Take up a new hobby. DON'T lose yourself so your husband will love and accept you. He needs to accept you and love you for who YOU ARE. Not for the person he expects you to be. If you need to e-mail me, I am in kind of the same situation with my own husband, and I can talk anytime. :)

1/5/13 2:48 P

i don't really know what i need or where to start, but i am hurting. i don't want to make my husband sound like he is a bad person because he really isn't. every once in awhile he will have a bad day and it causes both him and i to have alot of anxiety and we end up saying hurtful things. he has never been physically abusive, and i want to make that clear.
last night he told me that he realized that he doesn't like to be around just me anymore because I am not "fun." i do have a very mild personality, the quiet shy type, but I am also very sensitive. after trying to express how I felt, and that more than anything i just need to feel loved and accepted for who i am, he told me he can't love and accept me for who i am because he doesn't like it. this hurt more than words can express.
i don't know what to do. i believe very strongly that a marriage needs work and i do not even want to consider divorce but i don't know how to handle this feeling that my husband doesn't like me anymore? he has made comments like this before a couple of times, and we eventually move on. but each time he says things like this, it hurts more and more.
i feel like he doesn't see the good in me. i know he has to make the choice to change and think differently, but is there anything i can do to make our relationship better?
we have been married a little over a year but we have known each other and have been best friends for about 8 years. he has become increasingly negative about a lot of things in the last few months and it worries me that if something doesn't change, things are really going to fall apart.
it hurts because i think the world of him and he has been such a huge part of my life and i would hate to see it end.

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