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ROBINJOY61 SparkPoints: (7,475)
Fitness Minutes: (6,079)
Posts: 46
5/29/13 8:10 A

Yes, BUNNYKICKS, it did feel good to clear the air. It remains to be seen whether she'll stick to it or not, as we've had this conversation before, and the healthier snacks lasted two weeks. If not, I will just start bringing my own snacks, and try to strengthen my will power against the high calorie goodies. ( But I will be upset with her, for not hearing me.)

MARIAS2011 Posts: 5
5/29/13 8:03 A

My husband does this with pizza. He claims it doesn't make him gain weight. Like it's some calorie-free food. Seriously... lol!!

Edited by: MARIAS2011 at: 5/29/2013 (08:03)
RUBYREDIVY1 Posts: 545
5/29/13 6:46 A

Good intentions are hard to say no to.

Like yesterday I was at the cinema and I had worked my day around the fact that I wanted a slushie - I didn't know how many calories there are in a slushie but I overestimated it at around 198 per slushie drink - small size. Ok, all goes well - the kids and DH are having m&m's, popcorn and other snacks. Nothing wrong.

DH goes off to buy some more snacks - comes back with Ben And Jerry's single scoop ice cream for all of us - hands me a cookie dough scoop and I'm thinking...ok I don't know how much was in that slushie, now I have to estimate this into the equation too.

So I just had the single scoop and exercised a little more today.

I added around 15 minutes extra on the bike today and I'll probably cut down a little on the calories for today too. Not drastically, that's not how it works.

But given the situation was different - i.e. he bought back triple scoops I would have asked him to share with me so he'd eat more and I'd eat less and he wouldn't eve notice.

CHICAMIA12 Posts: 3,786
5/29/13 6:25 A

Ignore and will-power

5/29/13 2:26 A

I am having this same issue with a neighbor. In my case, I can throw the stuff in the trash after I close the door, but sometimes when we are out together, I feel like I HAVE to taste it. It is hard when you are trying to do the right thing and they present all of your triggers. It is easy to say that you control what goes into your mouth, but I submit that if we all had that kind of willpower all the time over all foods, then sparkpeople and the like would be unnecessary. I try to accommodate her "kindness" by eating a small portion, and reminding her that "I will only have a little because you know this is not on my eating plan". To date, she does try to bring me healthier snacks, but her healthy and my healthy are not the same. A gigantic BRAN muffin from Starbucks versus the Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip:-) I reward myself, eat a little piece and the rest gets tossed in the trash.... Better in the trash than on this ass.... My motto!!!

MOMOFFERGIE SparkPoints: (6,557)
Fitness Minutes: (3,467)
Posts: 20
5/29/13 1:49 A

Talk to them about what they're doing, if that doesn't help, get rid of them!

BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,433
5/29/13 1:21 A

" I Did talk to her today, and she promises not to buy me anymore candy. "

YAY! There, see, she wasn't deliberately trying to mess you up! Good for you for opening up that dialogue instead of suffering-in-silence and resenting the behaviour, potentially damaging the friendship in the process. Bet it feels good to know she really was doing it out of a desire to "treat and please" and not "undermine", doesn't it. :)

4EVERNESS Posts: 1,166
5/29/13 12:48 A

Reverse psychology trying to help you be strong enough by goading you? How gestalt archaic. Yawn. Adults? Think like adults that know how to get along, and either you have the self discipline or you don't. If not, take measures to adequately acquire it. But hey, what is America without 3, 20 minute meetings to discuss a 20 second problem? LOL Good luck

ROBINJOY61 SparkPoints: (7,475)
Fitness Minutes: (6,079)
Posts: 46
5/28/13 11:40 P

Thanks again everyone for your insightful comments. I Did talk to her today, and she promises not to buy me anymore candy. She will put the tin of cashews near her chair, and not buy anymore, or at least not have them out when I'm around. I appreciate all the support,the reminders that only I control what goes into my mouth, and the understanding from others who have had to deal with the food pushers in their lives. We're all in this together! emoticon emoticon emoticon


EARTH-ANGEL Posts: 310
5/28/13 11:14 P

I have a zero tolerance policy for sabotage. There is no reason why anyone should disrespect your healthy choices. They need to be told clearly and concisely from the moment they sabotage you that their behavior is unappreciated and un-waranted. If they continue to behave in a disrespectful manner after that there should be consequences. You have to be an individual. Never allow other people or society to box you in.

CIRANDELLA SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (34,361)
Posts: 6,094
5/28/13 9:15 P

I remain consistent in standing my ground, using the old "broken record" assertiveness approach: I simply and quietly keep saying, "No, thank you." "No" means "no," and it's a sufficient stance to take. People usually don't challenge me after that, although the occasional "food pusher" may persist, in which case they eventually give up - and I ignore their histrionics, changing the subject.

NICKYCRANE SparkPoints: (87,487)
Fitness Minutes: (49,975)
Posts: 1,317
5/28/13 5:51 P

When my sister visits, she produces very high class chocolate. The last two visits I have managed to practise portion control! My friend bought me a very calorific birthday cake, which most of my visitors didnt like. I actually ate such little portions that it lasted three weeks, a high calorie treat on days my calorie budget allowed it. Can you track a handful of cashews and a chocolate chip cookie or whatever beforehand and eat accordingly earlier in the day? It could be a good opportunity to practise portion control. I have a problem sometimes that friends I visit send a child to the shop before I realise whats happening, and they come back with something delicious and extremely calorific, which they have bought in honour of me. In such cases I value relationships above calories. I can say No thanks to friends I know well, and firmness normally doesnt cause offence.

ROBINJOY61 SparkPoints: (7,475)
Fitness Minutes: (6,079)
Posts: 46
5/28/13 4:54 P

JENSTRESS hit the nail on the Head! I am not very practiced at saying no to her, or anybody really. On the one hand, maybe she does think she is being a good hostess by knowing what I like and offering it. But, she is my Workout Buddy. And she sees how much harder Ive been working lately. And I did ask her to have healthier snacks,( it is just her and I at movie night, so my wishes aren't affecting anyone extra) She did have fat free pudding one night and weight watchers ice cream bars another night, but then she went right back to the fattening stuff. I feel guilt-ed into having some when she says she bought it for me. Example, a container of Milk Choclate Almond bark for me, and White chocolate Almond Bark for her. I need to Exercise my Will power muscle, and maybe remind her how hard I'm trying and how eating this stuff undoes a whole days workout and then some! And when it comes to cashews, I have a very hard time stopping at one serving, totally my fault not, hers.

RUSSELL_40 Posts: 16,826
5/28/13 4:33 P

Either bring your own snacks, or don't go over there. The fault always lies with you. You don't have to eat them, and a small amount of planning could make it a moot point. Grab an apple, and a serving of nuts, along with your water, and go watch your movie.

Separately, you need to decide if she is a person who you want to associate with.

FIELDWORKING SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (64,745)
Posts: 748
5/28/13 4:19 P

The cashews aren't really that bad for you...if you eat just one serving of them in a sitting and not the whole bag or container.

Aside from that, I'd say quit going to her house. Tell her you've made other plans. When and if she asks why, tell her that you can't keep going to her house to watch movies if she is going to keep providing snacks that you are trying to avoid, especially since you've asked her not to.

You didn't say if you are the only friend at the house for movie night or if others are present. If others are present, then take your own snacks. It's also a bit difficult to know how she is talking to you and if she is purposefully trying to sabotage your weight loss efforts or if she is just dense.

Edit: I've been staying with my grandfather while I attend (attended actually...just finished) grad school. He just turned 90 back in April and has a huge sweet tooth. In the last 2 years, he has had some surgeries that now prevent him from driving (back surgery then a leg amputation 3 months later). So, I have to do the grocery shopping. While he was in rehab, I never bought cookies, ice cream, etc. On occasion, I'd buy a candy bar (Reese's, Snickers, or Hershey's) or an eclair. Since he is at home and still likes his sweets, I buy flavors that I won't touch. I still allow myself to have that candy bar or eclair, but it's not an everyday thing.

Edited by: FIELDWORKING at: 5/28/2013 (16:24)
8MOREB4 Posts: 882
5/28/13 2:26 P

I love those people who always say you have to splurge sometimes. When I am around them I plan to do something a little of the path.

MZZCHIEF Posts: 10,400
5/28/13 1:26 P

As I see it you have two options... Stick with your intentions, or plan to have "cheat nite".

Blaming your friend for your inability to resist is optional and not recommended!

: )

JENSTRESS Posts: 5,403
5/28/13 12:14 P

I think you have gotten plenty of help. THough I don't believe she is deliberately trying to sabotage you, it is a form of sabotage, because it is very difficult to say no when you aren't used to it, or you are just starting to exercise your willpower!!! I swear, I think that is a muscle as well.

I highly recommend bringing your own snacks, eventually she will stop wasting her money on getting you things.

It is ESPECIALLY hard when your workout partner is the one pushing the bad stuff!!!

Also, just talk to her, maybe she doesn't exactly realize how hard it is for you right now.

JOYFULME01 Posts: 621
5/28/13 9:31 A

Believe it or not, my saboteur is my husband. He is diabetic, out of shape and over weight, but chooses to do nothing about it. Obviously, I cannot just ignor him so I do my best to not take his comments and actions personally. I understand that his actions are rooted in his self esteem and not mine. Once I recognized that I can do ok with it.

CMCOLE Posts: 2,667
5/28/13 7:50 A

every step in this healthy journey is a choice

you've had some great responses, and strategies for avoidance
best wishes. I know it can sometimes be quite difficult to suppress those who for reasons known only to them, set themselves up as your conscience.

TMGSGIRL SparkPoints: (9,462)
Fitness Minutes: (5,723)
Posts: 496
5/28/13 7:09 A

Well in my case its my diabetic husband , who goes shopping and comes home with cheese cakes, pastries , doughnuts, and cakes, or will make chocolate chip cookies. Its really hard cause he will eat a little and the rest will sit in the fridge where i can see it.. I just have to make the choice to leave it alone or eat it. Most days I do really good and can ignore the temptation but there are days when its to irresistible, I have told him time and time again to not do this its worse on his health then on mine .. but he just can't seem to stop. So I try to keep as much fruit and healthy snacks around as i can and try to get him to eat them instead. but he grew up in a household where they had desert every night after dinner. its a struggle let me tell ya.

MARYJOANNA Posts: 7,060
5/28/13 5:54 A

I just say no thanks,. I am not interested.

LAST20FORME SparkPoints: (4,152)
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Posts: 158
5/27/13 11:19 P

If you have asked her not to have those foods around and she does not eat them herself, saying she buys them for you, then she is very disrespectful. I do not want friends who do not value what I say. She is dismissing your feelings and that's not a friend. If it was me and she otherwise is a friend I like in my life I would have a talk with her. I would ask her why she has foods you asked her not to have when she does not have them herself. Tell her you need her to support your weight loss efforts right now. If she continues not respecting your feelings, I would not go to her house for movies and just keep her as a work out buddy if you like that about her.

5/27/13 11:02 P

Remind them they maybe look nice but you need to lose. Remind them you want be around for

them and your family. You want look good to have more self esteem.

Remind them a friend helps and you know their your friend.

I think a lot know they need to diet and are not ready so they do not like to know your trying.

This is sad and all you can do is stick to your plan.

I tell my self every day why i am trying to get my bmi to normal and then lose more.

My sister is dead gone from me and her family

She was on diet most of her life when she should been on a healthy eating plan.

ALso she gave up and hung around with fokes heavy so she could eat.

Like we tell our children if you hang around those who behave poorly you will too

same with food.

If your really trying be around others who are trying.

Good luck

ROBINJOY61 SparkPoints: (7,475)
Fitness Minutes: (6,079)
Posts: 46
5/27/13 10:23 P

Asking her to be my nutrition coach sounds like a possibility. But she can't relate to portion control problems, when it comes to goodies, because she had a gastric bypass a few years ago and has built in portion control. She gets full so fast. I will think about ways to utilize your suggestions. Anybody got a couple celery stalks and some beet juice laying around? emoticon

KNITTINGNAN SparkPoints: (18,076)
Fitness Minutes: (6,314)
Posts: 553
5/27/13 9:23 P

Empower your friend by asking her to not only be your work-out buddy, but also your diet coach. Let her know how much you need her help, asking her for advice about healthy snacks and recipes.

By now Janice is most likely locked away on a mental ward after shocking her family and friends!!!!!! Just kidding, Janice....I actually love your humor.

JEUJEUBEE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (50)
Posts: 2
5/27/13 8:00 P

Janice's advice has cracked me up, I pictured me doing this at family dinners lol & I'm sure they would talk for days about my crazy diet

5/27/13 4:36 P

I love this!!! Will have to remember this one! Thanks :)

SIMONEKP Posts: 2,764
5/27/13 4:24 P

Janice's response is hilarious!

HOTDISH2DIE4 SparkPoints: (28,781)
Fitness Minutes: (15,382)
Posts: 146
5/27/13 10:43 A

remind them of how serious i am of not dying early by obesity related illiness (which I have in droves.)

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,511
5/27/13 10:41 A

Tell her exactly how you feel.
That she knows how hard you are working to lose the weight and that she knows that the goodies she keeps trying to tempt you with are NOT appreciated and that as a friend, SHE NEEDS TO STOP. Tell her that a true friend does what's best for a buddy.

DPOWERS042260 SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (15,850)
Posts: 40
5/27/13 9:43 A

Smack that Oreo right out of their hand! Just kidding! I ask them "why would you try to get me to eat unhealthy foods? Don't you care about me?"

THOMPSON3815 SparkPoints: (4,118)
Fitness Minutes: (5,086)
Posts: 44
5/27/13 1:19 A

Someone ask me do like soda drinking I Say NO .i am doing good on my diet

BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,433
5/26/13 11:45 P

I cannot stop laughing at JANICEJEM's response emoticon

ROBINJOY61 SparkPoints: (7,475)
Fitness Minutes: (6,079)
Posts: 46
5/26/13 10:11 P

Thank you everyone, for the Great responses. I will talk to her, again, or maybe just tell her not to worry about shopping for snacks for me on movie night, I'll bring my own. Thank you also for the link to the article, I did read it! It sounds so familiar. Always seems to be someone pushing food when you are trying to make healthier life choices!

Thanks Again Everyone! emoticon emoticon emoticon

EAYW47 Posts: 8,050
5/26/13 9:00 P

Conflict resolution suggests one continue repeating your response in a calm voice. Sometimes I say to people :stay in your lane."

DRAGONCHILDE SparkPoints: (61,458)
Fitness Minutes: (15,905)
Posts: 9,717
5/26/13 7:01 P

Sparkpeople actually has a GREAT article on this very subject here, with 11 nice ways to say "no" to a food pusher:

EASTENDCLAM Posts: 2,760
5/26/13 6:41 P

A lot of good replies but BUNNYKICKS nailed it in the first response.

LORRIBECKER1 SparkPoints: (6,212)
Fitness Minutes: (3,905)
Posts: 25
5/26/13 5:50 P

I say, thanks but no. I'm not hungry right now. And leave it at that.

LDHAWKE SparkPoints: (19,069)
Fitness Minutes: (1,818)
Posts: 771
5/26/13 5:48 P

Smile, say thank you and eat the fruits and veggies you brought. Let her eat her own fattening goodies.

SUSAN727 Posts: 1,881
5/26/13 5:10 P

Avoid those people as much as possible.

JANICEJEM SparkPoints: (6,455)
Fitness Minutes: (6,783)
Posts: 452
5/26/13 4:57 P

How do I handle a saboteur? I grab two stalks of celery to use as drumsticks and a cutting board for a drum... I drape a wreath of grapes around my head... I paint my face with beet juice and blueberry juice... I do a weight loss tribal dance to get rid of bad food offerings...

Once they've seen this, they'll never offer the forbidden food again!

LOL and emoticon

5/26/13 10:56 A

It gives me a chance to spread the Spark!

1LAZYSUSAN SparkPoints: (35,251)
Fitness Minutes: (21,986)
Posts: 10
5/26/13 10:37 A

ROBINJOY61 I feel your pain! My mother-in-law LOVES dessert. We have her over for dinner a couple of times a week and she invariably asks, "Can I bring dessert?" I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm depriving her son (who also wants to lose a few pounds) and grandkids (one of whom is using SP to get into better shape) of goodies!

After dinner, I serve her dessert to everyone who wants some, but I (almost always) refrain. If she asks why, my usual response is, "I've used up all my calories for the day!" which is true. If I do indulge, it's because my calories for the day will allow it.

Maybe your friend and workout buddy has decided to have one cheat day a week and has picked movie night to do it on. An extra challenge for you, but just think of the willpower you will develop! If I were in your shoes, I would say, "No thanks", then sit on my hands so I don't accidentally grab for those yummy snacks!

Best of luck to you!

SKINMINA SparkPoints: (41,498)
Fitness Minutes: (13,635)
Posts: 741
5/26/13 9:59 A

I would bring my own snacks. However, I make it a rule not to be close with anyone who cannot support my dreams. In my humble opinion, friends support your efforts to become a better person and improve your life and health.

I would rethink how close I want to be with this person and probably limit the times with her that involve food.

5/26/13 7:46 A

I agree with the previous posters on several of their points, particularly that it is up to us to say no when we mean no and then to stick with our statement + we are solely responsible for what goes in our mouth. it can be very, VERY tough to maintain our program when faced with temptation such as this, but we either stick with our goals or we rethink them in light of how much we have to work for them.

The solutions offered thus far are well-thought-out. I would add that I'd want to be friend with someone with whom I could be totally honest. Is there some reason you cannot sit down with this person and tell the truth/ask truthful questions?

Could you not simply say, "Why do you serve these foods? Is it because you know I like them and you're seeking to be a good hostess? If that's the case, please accept my thanks for your kindness, but I'd like to ask that you stop."

Or, "Do you like these foods so much yourself that my being here provides you the excuse you feel you need to eat them? If so, you don't need either my permission and my blessing. Please eat whatever you wish. But please stop offering them to me as it's obvious I have a difficult time saying no even though I wish to stick with my weight-loss plan."

HOWEVER: Before you ask anything like this of this friend, you might wish to be very, very honest with yourself. Do YOU like these foods so much that your friend's offering them provides you the excuse you think you need to eat them? If so, you don't need her permission or her blessing.

You may however, wish to rethink your goals in life.

Whatever your final choice, I wish you the best of success.

ANARIE Posts: 13,205
5/26/13 3:22 A

Destroying your shoes or changing the combination on your gym lock so you can't do a workout is sabotage. Secretly replacing your Diet Coke with regular is sabotage. Promising you that she's going to serve a healthy meal, taking you a a 20-mile hike with no breakfast or lunch so you're starving, and then saying, "Oops, I forgot the healthy stuff; all we have is cake and we're 85 miles from the nearest grocery store" is sabotage.

Having food available that you shouldn't eat is NOT sabotage.

There are two or three likely reasons why she's doing this. A) Most likely, she's sincerely trying to be nice. She knows you like those things and she wants you to have things you like, so she's presenting you with an easy excuse to relax your standards and have a little treat once a week. B) It's also entirely possible that she just wants to have those things herself, and she can't very well eat them in front of you without offering you some. That doesn't mean you have to take what's offered, but why should she have to eat raw veggies in her own home when she can have cookies?

Eat your veggies and let her eat the other snacks. If you want her to stop serving those things, you can NEVER touch even one. Saying you don't want something and then eating it anyway totally sends the wrong message-- we're always telling people that actions speak louder than words and you should pay attention to what people really want, not what they say they want. If you eat the treats, you're silently telling her, "Oh, thank you so much! I really want this stuff and I can't admit it out loud, but you really, really know and understand me."

There are other solutions. You could have her over to your place and watch DVDs or broadcast TV, and serve whatever you want; you could talk her into going out bowling or dancing or roller skating instead of TV (healthier for you both); or you could stop spending so much time over there. Meet at a third friend's house, or go to the theater.

We have a right to expect other people to respect our efforts. We don't have a right to expect them to join us. If she told you not to bring veggies, or if she said, "I think it's so stupid that you won't even eat cookies on movie night," that would be something to complain about. But all she's doing is having food that she thinks is normal, and politely offering you some. It's up to you to say, "No, thank you," and mean it.

SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (256,846)
Fitness Minutes: (41,586)
Posts: 27,293
5/26/13 3:14 A

Your friend may buy them for you, but she isn't the one who is responsible for what goes into your mouth. Take some of what YOU want, have some for her if she wants to have some too, and eat that.

Remember, YOU are the one who puts food in your mouth - no-one else.


BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,433
5/26/13 2:56 A

Bring your own snacks - make sure you've brought your FAVORITE snacks (that are reasonably nutritious and appropriate in portion/calorie content).

She offers - you say no.


Say whatever you need to. If "no, I don't want any thanks" doesn't work, pull out whatever other excuse you can think of (and it doesn't have to be true). You're full. You've "gone off cashews," Chocolate late at night gives you heartburn. Whatever it takes.

Or, you could explain to her how important it is to you, to meet your daily nutritional goals, and say "i'm sure you can respect that!" and if (when) she keeps food pushing, you just keep standing your ground firmly.

You could get mad, and tell her what you think about her sabotaging behaviour - but, that would have a good chance of damaging/ending the friendship.

I had an incident at work once, where I had to go to a lunch meeting, at which there would be pizza. It was to be the first time ever that pizza appeared at work AND I SAID NO. I was trapped in a small conference room, shoulder to shoulder with co-workers-eating-pizza, and two open boxes on the side table directly in my line of sight. I had a cup of tea. Co-worker says Deb! Have some pizza! I said, with a nice bright smile, No thanks! Come onnnn have a piece, it's really good! "no, thanks, i'm good!" come onnnnnnnnnn you know you want it!!!! me: "I might! But I'm not going to have it!" and i just kept on smiling and sipping my tea like i didn't have a care in the world. You wouldn't know from looking at me on the outside, what kind of internal struggle I was having with myself, because OH MY GOSH it did smell good and it was SOOO hard to say no. But. When you face a challenge like that head-on and SUCCEED, it feels so good AND the food-pushers don't push as hard next time. I think if you stand your ground and DO NOT CAVE on a few occassions, she may well ease up with her behaviour. Heck, it's expensive to keep buying cashews that nobody eats...... she's bound to cut that out pretty quick, once she sees you won't take that bait.

ROBINJOY61 SparkPoints: (7,475)
Fitness Minutes: (6,079)
Posts: 46
5/26/13 12:56 A

I have a friend who Knows I'm trying to lose weight. Once a week we get together to watch movies at her place. ( She has cable, I don't) Anyway, she always has Fattening goodies on hand, and tells me she bought them especially for me, because she knows I like them. I have asked her not to have such fattening things around when I'm over, I have brought enough fruit and veggies to share, but she still tempts me with cashews, bridge mix, chocolate, and cookies! ( she is not only my friend, but Also my workout buddy! and has about 70 pounds Less than me to lose) Help! emoticon

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