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My friend Molly lost 6 pounds eating nothing but rawhide, tennis balls, and squeaky rubber pork chops!

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I recommend yo-yo dieting. Lower a yo-yo into your food, eat whatever sticks to the yo-yo. Something to make the world look sane again-- is there an app for that? I'm making my will. I'm leaving my money to charity, my organs to science, and my cellulite to the donut shop. Be careful-- sometimes it's a green lollipop and sometimes it's a brussels sprout! Tomatoes, corn syrup, vinegar, water, salt. See, there are no cats in catsup!
Our diet spaghetti is exactly the same as our regular spaghetti, except you plant, cultivate, harvest and grind your own wheat. How many times should I push the elevator button to equal the same calories as taking the stairs? Less flying… more walking. If I follow 5 different diets at the same time, one of them is bound to work! Normally, I don't recommend starch blockers, but this one really works!
Licking your paws is just the first step. After that, you need to use a good antibacterial body wash, then an exfoliating herbal facial scrub, followed by avocado moisturizing cleanser… The 4 basic food groups are stuff that will make me fat, stuff that will make me sick, stuff that will kill me, and stuff that I'll eat anyway.

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