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I should go on a diet, but I'm afraid my brain will get thinner and I'll become narrow-minded.

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If my math is correct, we only gained 0.000976521 pounds per second on our cruise. I pay you five pebbles a session to be my personal trainer, but all we ever do is swim! Sorry, I've got a huge carb craving and there's nothing in the kitchen but meat and cheese! We don't have a diet menu, but for $3.99 you can lick the stains off a tablecloth.
You know you're a SparkPeople member when you try to pay in SparkPoints at the supermarket. How come nobody else thinks I'm as wonderful as my dog does? Our bodies store fat so we can survive during times when the supermarket is closed. You know you're a SparkPeople member when you can have an entire conversation about emoticons.
I printed your diet with a large font to make the portions look bigger. I recommend yo-yo dieting. Lower a yo-yo into your food, eat whatever sticks to the yo-yo. Something to make the world look sane again-- is there an app for that? I'm making my will. I'm leaving my money to charity, my organs to science, and my cellulite to the donut shop.

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