my husband i have just had a huge fight. he has strongly accused me of losing weight to either have an affair or because i am having an affair. i have black and white proof of being pre diabetic, hi blood pressure and high cholesterol. he dosent believe that i have these medical conditions. it is almost like he wants me to be diabetic like him so that he can be miserable with someone else. i would never never never be unfaithful but the sad part is i have no way of proving him wrong. so the answer is yes, my lifestyle changes have wreaked havoc on our relationship, but i'm not quitting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This article was vey helpful to me. It helped me to understand my husband's feelings and behavior better. I can also see how some of my behaviors to become healthy may have appeared to him that I am improving myself because I am "out there looking." There is a history of problems from a previous marriage, which I won't go into. Unfortunately the baggage seems to haunt us. I can't change the past. But at least I can be sensitive, considerate, and understanding of why he has negative reactions to my present behavior. At some point though, it does get oppressive. I know I still need to allow myself to proceed with what I consider are healthy choices and what is right for me. I can comprimise in some areas, but shouldn't have to give up what is considered by most rational people to be healthy promoting habits and behavior.
4/23/2012 5:21:49 AM
The way I would approach something like this would include to some extent sharing in your partners efforts, Your together for more than diet in the first place. So when one of you is making a lifestyle change for their own good, you should accept it as being a loving partner you are. You fell in love for a reason, now your love wants to better her health and well being, wouldn't any loving partner want their mate happy and healthy?
DH and I have different goals in being healthy and we actually do our workouts together to still have time with each other, even though we both do different exercises and activities based on our goals. We both want to do more active things like hiking and bicycling so that helps to keep the friction down. It also helps that the unhealthy things that DH likes to enjoy occasionally are things I don't really like as much, like ice cream sandwiches and gummy bears, so I am not tempted to eat them much when he eats them. He will ask if I want some and when I respectfully decline, he is very considerate about it and doesn't ask me again because he knows my goals and that this is important to me. The only struggle we have is cooking because he does almost all the cooking and while we have changed most of our habits, he still likes some things a certain way such as frying chicken before putting it in a dish instead of baking or boiling it because he is very physical at work and home so he can eat a lot more calories than I can. We have compromised by not frying chicken as often, but still doing it with his favorite dishes like chicken enchiladas..that's just one example. It just means I have to watch my calories more and eat a smaller portion of that particular meal. It's all about open communication and letting your partner know what you need in this lifestyle change, and listening to their needs as well to come to a compromise. Relationships are a constant work in progress and adding a healthy lifestyle to your relationship just means you might have to work a little harder until it becomes the norm.
This happens with family members too. My brother is really buff and he tries to derail me a lot of the time. It's like he wants me to stay fat so that he'll always have one up on me.
8/22/2010 3:39:38 PM
This article sounds just like my life. My husband is a sabotour and he thinks if I lose weight I will leave him. Great insight
2/26/2010 1:43:34 PM
This article really hit home with me too. It frequently says that your partner might worry you will leave the relationship, but I think the opposite is true with me! I was extremely determined back in the fall and lost 17 lbs... flash forward 3 months and I've gained it all back. :-( My fiance was always very supportive and tried to keep the junk food out, but of course he has the metabolism where he can eat whatever he wants, so a few things would creep back in. He would always say "wow honey you look great! But, don't lose too much weight I like you just the way you are." I even asked him out right if it would be a problem if i lost more weight and he just kind of shrugged and said "don't lose too much more." It is distressing! Now I am worried that if I lose weight again he will not be as attracted to me...
I'll give this guy's side. As I've lost more than 250 pounds to date; my wife has put on weight. She finally admitted to me that she was jealous of my success and had attempted to sabotage my efforts. It's now become a big deal how much time I spend with Sparkfriends biking, hiking and running. I still love her, but we're on totally different paths and only she can change her path.
The article resonated with me, as did Marinashu's comment ... I had an ex-husband who gained a lot of weight and tried to sabotage weight loss efforts (and succeeded ... I gained almost 90 pounds during that marrige); and I have a newly-ex BF who felt threatened in the most personal way because he thought I was already "perfect" and couldn't understand that I'm trying to improve my health and reach a healthy weight because I love myself. Oddly, both of these men enjoyed biking and walking with me; my ex-husband even used to do those old Richard Simmons videos with me in the 90s!! So both relationships are in the past now. All of us on Spark are making or will make big changes, and just like anyone who's recovering from anything, changing ourselves may uncover some unhealthy aspects of our relationships. So, lessons I've learned: Continue to take care of myself (I owe that to me and my kids), be more selective with the next man in my life (find someone who deserves me!), and involve him in my fitness and health goals as much as possible (because that brings us closer and keeps him healthy, too).
While I appreciate the positivity of this article and the focus on maintaining current relationships, I think we also have to acknowledge that some relationships where partners call us names and sabotage our efforts to be better people are NOT healthy relationships. If someone feels insecure and expresses it both by overeating and by being in an unhealthy relationship, sometimes the "criss cross effect" of being physically healthier can lead to a realization that a relationship is not emotionally healthy either. I don't know that weight loss CAUSES the problem in this kind of relationship, but it can certainly lead to a breakup--but that may not be a bad thing!
2/10/2010 5:17:10 PM
Wow! This article is very informative, yet tragic. After reading it, I realized that I have family who sabotage my good intentions, but now that I know how to combat this negativity, I'll be ready next time.
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