This is a good article. My wife definitely appreciates the changes in my body, but I get a fair amount of negative feedback regarding my routine. I do most of my exercise at work on lunch, but she doesn't like the extra time I spend exercising outside of that... she also gets frustrated with me never being on the same dinner schedule or eating the same foods as the family.
I still get the overall sense that she would not have things back the way they were before I started being healthy, but it has definitely taken her out of her comfort zone on some things.
This actually sounds like a lot of friendships I've had. The worst situation I had was a friend wanted to workout with me and told me, many times, that she wanted to lose weight too.
But every time I would initiate a workout, she would find some excuse to skip it. It got the point where we would have a workout scheduled and she would, out of the blue, attack me for being "a bad friend." or "picking on her". So we would end up spending an hour or two hashing things out and mending our friendship. Pretty quickly, I realized it was just a ploy she was using to skip the workout, so I stopped inviting her. She then got really upset with me for not inviting her.
I finally had to call the friendship off when I realized she was a toxic person and would just drag me down.
I found this article fascinating, as my relationship ended recently - and one of the biggest factors was the way my ex and I both approached our health & fitness goals. He was a life-long athlete and everything for him was push-push-push to the limits, gotta win, be the best!! Me - fitness is just something I enjoy and helps in my goals. But when he could work out for 2 hours every morning and then eat pizza every night, I'd feel like I wasn't participating in the relationship if I didn't eat the pizza or get up every morning and push-push-push, too. The sabotage in my situation was almost the reverse of some of the examples you present; but the bottom line is that a True Partner will SUPPORT you - no matter where you are in the fitness realm - and not force you to live up to THEIR expectations (but let you achieve your OWN). I've actually LOST weight since the relationship ended; now I just need to get back to the habit of exercising again.
I guess I'm lucky..my husband is my biggest supporter and helper. I couldn't do it without him and our relationship has gotten better because my confidence is boosted. He loved me when I was thinner, he loved me at my heaviest, and now he loves me as I'm getting healthy and active.
this is a very good, thoughtful article. It doesn't cover all the "emotional whys" but the ones mentioned are certainly likely. Clearly a huge part of any solution is communication. That is (always) helped by self-awareness and honesty on the part of both partners.
THIS IS THE KIND OF ARTICLE THAT SP DOES SO WELL. Thank you.
I don't have a significant other, but my mom does a lot of these. Last night I wanted to ride my bike to Zumba because it was nice weather, and she made a comment about how I "can't stand the thought of riding with her." Which is totally ridiculous! So, I skipped the additional 7 mile bike ride I would have gotten to ride in the car with my mom. :(
My weigh loss helped end my last relationship. Over the 2 years we were together he saw me change and work to improve my health and body image. He'd say when I lost weight I'd leave him, he was very insecure about it. One day I came home from work and he had moved out. For the better though everyone, I think the weight loss was the excuse to use to avoid hard truths.
8/28/2013 9:54:04 PM
My man told me that if I got too skinny for his liking, he'd try everything he could to make me gain some of the weight back
I dumped a boyfriend over a jealous fit related to me going to the gym (well, and a bunch of other things, but the fit was the final nail). Hey, maybe if he doesn't support you and is so afraid of losing you, you deserve something better, like a trusting and supportive partner. The couple of articles I was reading on SparkPeople that talked about non-supportive friends recommended ditching them, and I would recommend the same for any "partner" that is so insecure and jealous he/she cannot stand the idea of you improving yourself.
Thank you for this article. It was a recmmended read from a dear Spark friend. I started to skim it an #1-4 weren't really applicable but boy o boy #5 was a doozy!!!! It hit a little close to home. Just made mental note that we all make take different paths on this journey!
11/9/2012 3:23:39 PM
My husband of 40 years is SO proud of me! Very supportive and a bit frisky even! BUT I have seen this issue come up many, many times here on SP and am so happy to see it addressed here. My personal advise would be lots of extra love and attention. He is insecure and needs reassurance. TALK about it. It's hard when you are trying so hard to focus on yourself for a change but eventually you will inspire those around you to "try what she is having!"
The best way to manage this awkward stage is just to focus on yourself and keep on doing what you are doing despite negative comments or efforts at sabotage. (By the way, it is not just your partner--it comes from friends and family too). If you act like you have every right to do what you are doing (because you do) and you keep doing it, eventually it just becomes accepted as a fact of life. I got a lot of push back early on about the time I spent walking/jogging, the "weird food" I was eating and my decision to stop partaking in the nightly bottle of wine, etc. but now it is just normal life. They adjust, they really do. The trick is not to make a big issue out of it and quietly allow your actions to do the talking.
Well this is one excuse I can't use. My husband supports me 100% and is like a loving coach. I used to let myself be sabotaged by coworkers and relatives, but I no longer work and I also see my relatives less and less. It is all up to me now!
11/9/2012 7:08:48 AM
its sad that people are so obsessed with appearances that they would be bothered if their partner gained weight. sometimes i think its the person losing weights (me most of the time) that sabotages the relationship. because the person losing weight is the one changing, not the other one. they become so immersed in losing weight, and preaching to others that aren't (i.e. the husband) that people start to get sick of it.
i think its great for people to lose weight but i now find it annoying when they try to FORCE their new lifestyle on other people. i should know, i have been that person, and see this same behavior in other people.
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