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| All marriages go through rought times. Mine has had its share of ups and downs, including cheating and drugs. But we worked things out, went to counciling, and things are better than ever. Though you can forgive, you can never forget. You just have to learn to live for the present, not the past. Sure, things probably were crappy in the past, but they are behind you. You've gotten through the worst of it. Focus on now. I've learned that if I start to get down about the past, I just tell myself that the past is over, and dosnt matter, what matters is now. That helps me alot.
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| I AM FINE I HAVE BEEN BUSY AND TOO LAZY TO GET ON HERE. BUT I AM GOOD. THANKS FOR ASKING. HOW IS EVERYONE DOING ON HERE? NOONE EVER HAS TO WORRY ABOUT ANY THING LIKE ABUSE BECAUSE NOTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS.I REALLY THINK ITS ALL ME JUST NOT BEING SATISFIED FOR SOME REASON. THIS ALL I EVER WANTED. MY HUSBAND HOME EVER NIGHT ,NOT DOING DRUGS,NOT CHEATING,ETC BUT NOW I CANT SEEM TO BE HAPPY.LOL ITS SOUNDS STUPID I KNOW! I REALLY THINK ITS BUILT UP RECENTMENT FOR ALL THE YEARS HE DID ALL THOSE THINGS.
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Brandy,
Are you ok? Havent seen you post in a few days. I am sort of worried about you. I sent you a private message and you never replied. I hope you are alright.
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| You need to do what YOU feel is good for you and your children. People can go through the same situation and have different feelings about it. My husband and I have been married for 3 years this August. He spent one year of that in prison. He's never physically abused me, but there has been verbal abuse. We have a daughter that will be 3 in December. There was a time that I wanted to leave him. I look at how our relationship is today, and I'm not 100% happy, but I wouldn't dream of leaving him. You don't need to stay with him for the kids, and since you don't fear that he will hurt your children, you really have no big reason to leave. You need to talk about it with your husband and see what you both want in the future for yourselves and your children. People can give you advice until they are blue in the face, but in the end, it's your decision and you need to listen to your heart.
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DAISEY1203
3/23/07 2:40 P
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I also know what you are going through. I was married at 22 and it didn't even last a year. 3 weeks before my wedding I found out I was pregnant and woke up all of a suddend wondering what I was doing. I went through with it thinking it was the right thing to do.
We got into a fight at the wedding and on the honey moon I don't know for sure he cheated on me with some girl at the pool. He after that cheated on me all the time with neighbors who would come and hang out in my house like my friend. Once I had the baby he started to get physical. It took me alot of back and forths thinking it would change and then it not changing. I was miserable. I eventually decided I have to leave he layed one too many hands on me and my daughter didn't need that either it wasn't just me anymore to think about. It's not easy to make the decision to leave, but if it's not something you can get over you are better off leaving. He maybe better now but you are going to be miserable if you can't get past it and he isn't going to understand why. Alot of guys do things and know they did, but they assume it's forgotten about or atleast forgiven. There were times when I would snap and he would even have done something, but there was something that made me think of something he did. He might have changed but all the damage that was done was a horrible thing to try to get past and alot of the time the fear of not being able to do it on your own keeps us there. The one thing I leared from it was no matter what I will find a way to do what needs to get done and there is always a better life than feeling trapped. It takes time to get past all the hurt and the feelings but you do and you feel a sence of relief after it has past. You say to your self I don't know how I can do it, we all say it about everything but we do it and we are still here. If you feel you want to leave then you probably should especially if it's something you have thought about for a while. I realized I didn't want to wake up one day and be and old lady hating my life, hating him, and resenting anyone and regreting alot of my decisions. It does get better and it does get easier.
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Dear Cryyba
I see on another message board a few people have advised you to leave and where to go for help. I hope and pray you take this advice.
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XXCRYYBAXX
3/22/07 11:41 A
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I dont even know if I know what love is anymore. I thought love was suppose to be good.
I thought you dont treat people bad if you love them.
And can you actually love someone that treats you so bad all the time? I question myself alot hopefully to talk some sense into me. He is a jerk and I tell my cousin and my aunt about the way he treats me also so that if anything happens to me they know who it was. Cause he threatened me in that part also. Really I dont know why I cant find the strength to leave though.
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XXCRYYBAXX,
Sounds like your husband is a real jerk to you. I'm to see you have to deal with that. Maybe you should look him in the eye and ask HIM to leave. Why should you be the one to leave. Maybe asking him to will wake him up a bit. Tell him, you have no idea what he wants because he sends you mixed messages. So maybe he should leave until he can decide what he wants. If he wont leave, tell him you will.You do not deserve to live like this. No one does. You are a wonderful person and deserve happiness. He is clearly miserable, as well as yourself. Do you really want to live like this forever? Ask yourself ... Do you love him? The answer is more the likely yes. Then ask yourself ... Are you still IN LOVE with him? There is a huge difference. Maybe your husband needs to ask himself the same things about you. Good luck in all that you do. Remember, if you dont take care of you, who will?
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XXCRYYBAXX
3/22/07 10:43 A
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He says that hes only with me cause the kids and he only married me cause his mom said we had too.
He says that he dont even like or love me though.
but then he says he does and thats why he treats me that way cause i deserve it.
I do think I deserve it I think. I told him that I dont know how to do right cause I try and he still gets mad so I dont know what he wants but he thinks I do. And that Im just acting stupid.
But the truth is I dont know what it is that he wants.I really dont. but he dont believe me. I told him last night that Im tired of living like this. I dont let it show but it hurts to be called names by someone thats suppose to love you back. But the more he treats me like this the easier I think it will be for me to leave without feeling hurt. I think.
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Dear XXCRYBAXX
He sounds yuk. He may not have cheated but there are other ways to be unfaithful and break your wedding vows. What about the promice to love and honour? I feel angry with him on your behalf.
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Hi Brandy
I think it must be incredibly difficult for you especially without local support. It is almost as if you are in limbo or going round and round in circles. I think you have got to find away of feeling better about yourself. You sound as though you are a great Mum which is the most important job on earth. You deserve to be happy with him or without him. You are a good listener and a caring person and I think you would make a great friend. If I can see it over the internet there are going to be a lot of people around you who can see it. I just don't think you see it.
Take Care
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| I DIDNT SAY I WANTED HIM TO HURT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT I DONT THINK. BUT I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENT I TAKE SOMETHING FROM EACH AND EVERYONE. THANKS.
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| I have been divorced for 2 months and I am very happy. You hit a chord with me when you said in your first post that you wanted him to hurt (or something like that). I think that is a sign that it is either time to move on, or time to seek outside help. I was married for 20 years. We have 3 kids. We actually are getting along so much better now, but there is something we both decided when I finally told him I wanted out: kids come first no matter what. So I understand your problem with being alone in a state away from family. If he is a good dad, the kids need you both. Can you find a support group and meet people that way, or church, or a singles group maybe. It is not an easy decision. But if you wake up and look at your spouse and think you would be better off without them. It might be time. I had a friend murdered in September by a burglar, and a nephew commit suicide in October. I decided life is too short to be so unhappy. But always always put the kids first. The two of you need to get along for the kids. If you decide to stay, counseling might be all you need if you still love him. Do you love him? Is he a good husband now? Then it is worth working to save it. But you probably can't do that alone, go seek help-together. Good luck. Be happy.
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| I HAVE HEARD THAT SONG AND I LOVE IT.
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Brandy,
I heard a song today that really hit home. Its about a man who abused. Maybe listen to it, you might find some comfort in it. It is Stupid Boy by Keith Urban.
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XXCRYYBAXX
3/20/07 2:29 P
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Your right. Ive been married 10 years also. Its along time and then to have to start all over again.LOL. I use to hear that the 3rd year it got better. hmmmm what happened, I guess I skipped that year.haha. then i also heard about the 10 year good thing, hmmmm again I guess since I just started in that 10th year I havent got there yet. But I think I stay for the kids.
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| YES 16 IS TOO YOUNG TO GET married BUT I WAS 16. AND I ALSO FEEL ONCE YOUR married THATS IT. YOU DONT 10 CHANCES TO FIND THE MARRIAGE THAT WORKS.MAYBE 2 TIMES(LOL) BUT YOU CANT RUN EVERYTIME SOMETHING HAPPENS THATS WHY I HAVE STAYED SO LONG.
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XXCRYYBAXX
3/20/07 1:59 P
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| I know what you mean Brandy. But for me I have family here but they are no help their not the helpful kind. So I still feel alone. Just the other day he wanted me to leave, I told him I would but then the next day he was nice. So I dont know WHAT to do.Hes only nice when HE wants to be. HE hasnt cheated on me though (I dont think he has).But he is mean thats all though.
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I just came across your post and brandy, it sounds to me that you need to do some serious soul seraching and find out who you really are and what you really want in life. Marriage is not easy, i have been married to my husband for 10yrs now and its been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. I am sure there are times in every marriage that one thinks they should leave. You, on the other hand, feel this all time, even when things are going well for you. If he is abusive and controlling , or has been in the past, then this form of thinking is hard to get out of. I was in an abusive relationship and i always thought i wanted out but just couldnt bring myself to leave. Yet i could not let go of the thought of leaving. It took some private counselling to make me realize that deep down i knew he would never change and that giving him the benefit of the doubt was making me miserable. Things could be different for you. Maybe you should look into this.
Cricketro, i do not agree with you that she should have left at the first sign of trouble. EVERY marriage has trouble and if we all left at the first sign then the divorce rate would be sky high ( like it isnt already). Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, for better or for worse remember? Yes, there are exceptions to that, but running at the first sign of trouble is NOT the answer. What is the point in getting married if your just going to run when things get tough.
Brandy i wish you luck in whatever you do. Sounds to me that you really love him, he just hurt you deeply. Maybe dealing with that hurt will give you what you need to move on and be happy with him. Good luck and take care!
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| OH YEA I DONT THINK I MENTIONED MY kids ARE 11 AND 9.SHE WILL BE 12 IN APRIL.
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| THAT IS HOW I FEEL. WHEN I WANT TO LEAVE THINGS ARE GOOD AND I THINK I SHOULD BE HERE FOREVER. BUT WHEN THINGS ARE NOT GOING GOOD I FEEL LIKE I CANT LEAVE.HERES ANOTHER PROBLEM IM HAVING MOST PEOPLE I BELIEVE WHEN THEY LEAVE THEY HAVE family OR FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT I DO NOT. ALL MY family LIVE IN TN. I LIVE IN WYOMING.I HAVE NOT MAID FRIENDS GOOD HERE I THINK ITS BECAUSE EVERYONE IS HERE FOR THE OILFIELD MONEY AND DONT REALLY CARE ABOUT MAKING FRIENDS WITH ALL THE NEW PEOPLE MOVING IN.IF I DO EVER LEAVE I WILL NOT WANT TO STAY HERE AND I CANT SEE MY SELF RIGHT NOW TAKING MY kids 1800 MILES AWAY FROM THERE DAD. LIKE I SAID HE IS A GREAT DAD. VERY INVOLVED IN THERE LIVES AND THEY ARE VERY INVOLVED IN HIS LIFE.SO I DONT KOW LIKE I SAID I KEEP GETTING PULLED IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. DO I KEEP REPEATING MYSELF?LOL
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XXCRYYBAXX
3/20/07 8:38 A
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sorry to butt in but i was also married when i was 16 and i feel the same way i want to get out but its hard. Its like when i decide i want to he ends up being nice. I dont know if that mean i shouldnt leave or what. i have 3 kids though barely had a baby though . but i think he wanted another on purpose though so that it would be harder on me.
I was dumb to think it was cause he just wanted to have another but he dont even pay that much attention to the baby though.Sometimes i just want to get a divorce. But I dont know if thats what really needs to be done.
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| BRANDYM2, u should have left him at the first signs of problems. 16 is way too young to get married (i got married at 25 but been living together since we both were 21). true that maybe for the sake of the kids u want to stay wt ur hubby but think of ur happiness b/c if u are not happy, ur kids won't be.
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| I WANT TO THINK EVERYONE FOR REPLING. IM JUST HAVING A HARD TIME. AND LIKE RIGHT NOW THINGS ARE GREAT HE IS A GREAT HUSBAND AND A WONDERFUL DAD TO OUR 2 GIRLS. I JUST KEEP GETTING THIS TUGGING FEELING I FEEL LIKE IM BEING PULLED OUT OF THE MARRIAGE BUT SOMETHING KEEPS HOLDING ME BACK FROM LEAVING.IM NOT SURE IF THAT MAKES ANY SINCE IT MAKES NO SINCE TO ME REALLY.
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MOM2BOYS1975
3/19/07 1:32 P
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I ask the question... Is there anything there that you feel is worth saving/fighting for. If not, then despite the challenges it's time to leave. If there's still something there and you want to work things out then I would suggest counsiling.
Churches will many times give free counsiling to couples in need. There may also be programs in your community.
Good Luck
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Dear Butterfly
No appologies - I should hope not!!!!
Congratulations and Good Luck
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MPRINCESS2
3/19/07 11:00 A
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I got divorced back in 2002 and it was the best thing I ever did. My ex was a drunk who loved his friends more than his family. No remorse, no apologies :)
I also have met a wonderful man who loves me and my daughter & we will be getting married soon.
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| I am happy that you found the courage to make it on your own and I think that if the resentment really is eating you up then its better to move on. I'm just not ready to give up yet.
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| Hi, I'm new here, hope u dont mind , but I had to respond to ur message. The resnetment will NEVER go away. I was in a VERY abusive relationship until about 2 yrs ago. Even then, he was the one who ended it. Even though we HATED each other and every day did something to hurt each other (because of the resentment) I still felt like my life was over when he left. I had no money, two kids, nowhere to live and didnt even have the ability to make the tiniest of decisions because I was never allowed to make them or even have an opinion before. I used to think it would be easier to live a miserable life forever then to seperate. HELLO, the best thing that ever happened to me. I realize now that the resentment and awfull feelings would have never gone away, it just hurt too deeply. I learned that I can be happy on my own (still learning lol) and I know it sounds like a cliche, but I am stronger and happier for it. Good luck in wherever ur life takes you!
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| But it's making you suffer too. How long ago did it happen? Do you have more good days then bad days or the other way round?
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| like you i feel so much recentment. even when we are getting along fine something out of nowhere will set me off. maybe ill see something on tv that reminds me of him cheating and then im in a bad mood the rest of the night.and it really effects the whole family.i need to stop this but i just want hin to suffer
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I feel this more often then I want to think about. Like you its more to do with things that happened in the past which I could forgive him for if I wasn't still experiencing a much milder form of his controlling ways now and if his past actions have had a lasting devastating affect on me.
I often think that if I had enough money I would take the kids and go.
I have realised that the resentment I feel is really hurting me much more than it affects him. It is though something inside of me has died. I don't think he has the slightest idea how I feel. I am still the victim unless I can get | |
