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| my dd is 17 and not allowed to date yet. She is a junior in high school/freshman in college. Just not something we are willing to deal with at this point and we really dont' believe in dating. We are steering our children toward the courtship concept. I have no problem telling my kids they can't do something.
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CORPS9499
2/17/07 11:56 P
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Well, that age difference would bother me, too. Which is hypocritical, because I dated an 18 y/o when I was 15. Things change when YOU are the mom, kwim?
I think I would go about it by talking to her about all the things that are important to her, like grades, sports, college, etc. Make sure she knows how her decisions about relationships can affect those things. Tell her to come to *you* with questions.
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Each child is so different. I trust my 16yo so much more than my 21 yo. You are mom and you know in your heart what your daughter needs. Trust yourself. Keep the lines of communication open! Figure out a way to get something going on her level..... I have taken a lot of flack (from adults) because I have a myspace. I have it to keep tabs on my boys who are on my friends list. I was surprised when I started asking some of thier friends and my teenage neices and nephews to add me and they did with no hesitation. They confide in me stuff they would not say face to face and I know they don't feel comfortable talking their parents some issues. I also IM my boys sometimes--yup from a different room in the same house. It's so hard to not make a face sometimes-that body language is very hard control. This feels safer sometimes I think....
Yes, we do still have face to face conversations, this stuff has not replaced it, but I think what ever it takes to keep the communication going is helpful.
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I have taken time, over the years, to have meaningful talks with my daughters about what type of man are they looking for in their lives. I started these talks when the girls were in their teens. They are now in their 20’s. They often times, in their teens, picked guys that I thought were real jerks, but we kept having those talks and slowly they began picking better men. By better I mean a man that likes and respects them. I think the biggest hurdle to helping your daughter pick a good man is your daughter!! We can’t tell them this guy is a jerk. We have to help them make that decision themselves. We have to help them overcome the junk they see on TV and in movies. We have to help them define what a good man is so when they meet him they’ll know this is the guy.
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I read this string, and I was impressed with all of the encouraging posts. It is hard to let go of a child who is maturing quickly!!
However, I also want to state the obvious. Young men from about 16/17 on have a lot of raging desires. Sometimes these desires are compounded by peer pressure. In one of your open dialogues with your daughter, I'd remind her about safe practices and some of the complications associated with not following these safe practices religously.
Please understand I'm not trying to undermine the trust you have with your daughter or the growing trust with the new boyfriend, I'm just trying to help make sure she stays healthy and that life events occur at the time she chooses...not because of an indiscretion at an early age.
If things work out well...who knows...she may have found the love of her life and they will have a success story like some of them posted below.
RZ
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| Your daughter needs positive male attention. If her dad is not there for her maybe her step-dad will try to fill those places. A young girl needs to be loved and admired(don't we all). It's great when this can come from a dad in a pure way. Also don't be afraid to go with your gut feeling. God gives moms a special protective sense.
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Hi,
I know it's tough to see her with someone older, but does the age thing really make it any worse? Would a 16 year old be less of a threat or more? Maybe at least at 19 he is a little more mature and willing to listen to you and her. Stay involved. I have a 19 year old son and one thing I allways told him was if her ever got into a situation where he was uncomfortable, in danger, drugs, drinking, what ever, call me. I will come get you, no questions asked. He is a pretty good kid and I feel I can trust him. He has had a couple of pretty serious girlfriends and of course you worry. I always feel if you try to control too much, you will hinder communication and force them to want to lie or be sneaky. Better to know than not know in my opinion. It sounds like you are doing great. Good luck.
Marnie
P.S. I married my husband when I was 17. 21 years later we are happy, healthy, two great boys and I even finished college! Age doesn't always make you any smarter.
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| That is a great start! I truly believe that it is better if you get to know him. And I totally respect your decision... we all have to do what we feel is best for our own kids. It sounds like you are doing great. And any guy that will double with his girlfriend's parents on Valentine's Day can't be all bad. LOL.
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Thanks Rhonda. I realize that everybody has a different approach to bringing up children and even though everyone doesn't agree I still like to bounce ideas off of other people.
I did ask both of the kids if they wanted to double with me and my DH for Valentine's Day and they agreed....that's a start right?
Thanks again everybody.
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Can't really advise you on this because we have a different approach. I will not be allowing any dating at 15 or 16 and only group activities. Having worked with teens and as a teacher I see too many problems. Although I always hear that if you are strict the children will rebel I have not seen that to be the case. Most kids who do rebellious behavior are those whose parents do not set strict guidelines. (Please know I am not saying that about you or your teen. Your dd sounds delightful and you are obviously caring parents.)
So my only advice is please stay very involved. Invite him to dinner. Do things as a family including him: movie night or game night. I feel that dating anyone who is unwilling to do things with the family is a problem. And I don't have a bigger issue with him being older unless it means he is more "worldly." An older guy may just be more mature... judge him on his character. You will be able to do that if you spend time with him and see them interacting together.
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No problem. I guess I just remember my parents when I was 15-16 and dating guys that were 18,19,20 and even 21. Of coarse I thought it was great, but knew enough to watch out for myself. I will never forget what my dad told me once. He said "if anybody that takes you out and gets drunk, call me. I don't care if you were over the state line. I will come and get you." I really only drank a few times after we were married. Since I never went to college and never got into the bar thing.
I think the best thing is to keep talking to her and listen to her. I don't know if she would be close enough to tell you what they did or not. I have heard some kids still come home and talk to their mom after going out. I never really did that with my parents. I had different issues with parents growing up (mother Manic depressive)
Beckie
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Thanks Beckie. That was really sweet of you to reply and encouraging as well. She is a good kid and does come home on time. I told her I didn't like it when he follows her to her room before they go out etc. and she was mature enough to listen to me and talk to him about it. He has complied and is nice enough to sit down with my husband and I before he takes her out now. I am working on getting to know him. And yes, it is the age difference that bothers me. I have talked to her about "everything" and I can only hope that I have brought her up with the right morals and goals so far.
Thanks again. That was really kind of you.
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Not too much parenting advice since I have 2 young boys. BUT I can tell you that every boy I dated before I met my husband was out of High School. at 15 I could only go out on a date if another couple was going with us, and actually I lied a few times about that, just to get them off my back. I met my now husband my JR. year and was engaged almost my whole Sr. year. We did get married when I was still 18 (1 month before 19) and we are still together (15 years later) and our oldest is almost 3. Everyone is head over heals at the beginning of the relationship. Just make sure she is responsible, knows about EVERYTHING that could happen, side effects from choices she may make.
Do you only disapprove because of the age difference? Try and get to know him a little more. Invite him to dinner, or other family outings (bowling, local arcade or game facility, skiing, sledding) I know she may not want to do anything with her parents. (I know I didn't)
Do you trust her? Does she come home on time? Talk to her and tell her about your fears and see if you can comprimise on some solotions to ease your fears.
Beckie
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Help! I have a 15 1/2 year old daughter who is head over heels for a 19 year old boy as is he for her. Keep in mind that her dad is not a good father so she really relies on me and her step-dad. I have told her that I disapprove of any relationship between them but my fear is that if I tell her she can't date him she will rebel and turn into a bad kid. She is in her Sophomore year in H.S. and gets a 3.6 GPA. She is on the softball team and varsity cheerleading squad, and plays summer sports. She does everything that I ask her to do and I almost feel like I shouldn't let the age difference bother me. But it does. Any thoughts or constructive advice out there???
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