Am I the only wife who's husband said he doesn't have time for sex. I miss it. I mean what is it with guys.
AUBGAB 1/8/07 10:57 A
Sweetie, I know this post is a little older but I saw it today and just had to comment. Im sorry you are feeling this way about your husbands *habbit* and I wanted to send a hug:) Also I wanted to tell you that it sounds to me like its more innocent then some people here are leading you to belive. For some people porn is just porn and nothing more. It doesnt mean your husband is some sort of *sicko* or has any problems. Think about all the people in all the world who watch stuff like that, are they all horrible? Do they all cheat? My guess is NO! My husband watches porn every so often and I could not care less about it. I know he is faithful and that he loves me. As long as his movies arent about anything illigal or violent then I dont think you have much to worry about. There may be things in the videos that you would not personally do but everyone is allowed to have a fantasy. Everyone here in this thread has a RIGHT to feel the way they do about it and if they have issues with it ie, abuse, divorce ect. Im really sorry for them. I just wanted to throw in my very mis spelt opinion and hopefully help you feel better about the situation!
MOMMAX3 1/3/07 9:26 P
Thank you so much for the nice words...some days it gets a little difficult to remember that. It's especially frustrating when ALL of this extra weight was put on after having children...and so, so, so many body changes are outside of your own control (obviously)...I'm sure that my husband would like to me to look and stay looking like how I was when we first got married, but unfortunately that is not reality. When I think things through, of course it makes sense, but some days are still pretty depressing.
Anyway, I really thank everyone for their thoughtfulness and kind words. It has been a very difficult time for me, but I hope that with time, things will heal.
NOEXCUSQUIRREL 1/2/07 2:39 A
I just want to say that YOU need to stop blaming yourself. It seems from the last posts that you have been convinced that part of it is on you. This was happening before YOU, not because of you! Your husband has just as much, if not more blame, for the lack of communication, whatever...
Just remember, he was watching the porn, not you! He was watching it before you, not because of you!
Good Luck! Hugs!
MOMMAX3 12/29/06 9:35 A
Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your support. It really means a lot to me.
I am really trying my hardest to be everything that my husband wants, but sometimes I feel like he's not trying to do the same for me...I think he jsut doesn't find me physically attractive, unfortunately, and I don't know what to do about that. And I am really, really working on losing weight...it's just very difficult given my chaotic life, but I am definitely trying, working out regularly, watching what I eat, etc. I just find it so difficult to take this coming from a man with so many physical flaws himself...I mean, hey, when he looks like Brad Pitt, THEN he can critique me!
I'm really frustrated right now, so it might be best for me to stop while I'm still ahead...
CRICKETRO 12/29/06 2:57 A
From "How addicting is the internet?" published on http://www.data.no/Article.aspx?PublicationView=Show,289&Language=en-US
How Addicting Is The Internet?
By: Cristina 21-mai-2006 For many people the Internet has become an addiction, affecting people’s lives.
Though it has not yet been classified an addiction, the Internet obsession affects many people around the world. Therapists around the world take it seriously and treat the computer addicted people as they were suffering from any other addiction (such as nicotine for smokers).
The Internet may promote addictive behavior as well as pseudo-intimate relationships. Those contacts result in cyber disorders such as virtual relationships that even evolve in cybersex (on line marital infidelity) or other online sexual behavior, stated Dr. Diane M. Wieland in an article published in the journal “Perspectives in Psychiatric Care”.
People start to crave time spent on line and that results in neglecting the real life even to the point of divorce, Wieland continued her debate. The figures aren’t promising either. Five to ten percent of internet users are most likely to experience addiction.
But what are the signs of addiction? The person doesn’t care anymore for his/her health or appearance. Also there is sleep depravation due to the fact that most people spend time on line during night time. The person also will have a decreased physical activity and his/her social life is practically inexistent. In addition to those, dry eyes and repetitive motion injuries of the hands and fingers are also very common.
However, many addicts have a history of depression, drug or alcohol abuse or anxiety disorder, argues Wieland.
There are treatments to cure Internet addiction, such include psychotherapy and medications, as well as family and marital counseling and support groups.
~~~~ the article is written by me and i thought it would shed some light
REDESIGNINGME 12/28/06 9:10 P
Porn is a real addiction. Porn on the computer is an even bigger addiction. It requires treatment in most case. Addictions are not caused by a spouse and are not their responsibility/fault. Most addicts relapse. You can't expect that this crisis will be the last one, chances are good that sometime in the future, you will face this again with him. A common cause of computer porn addictions is stress relief. It is likely that his viewing porn results in a surge of dopamine, giving him a natural high sensation. He will have to learn new ways to handle the feelings that cause him to access the porn. Breaking this addiction will probably take professional treatment and/or counseling.
You're off to a good start by talking about it. The whole concept of you being able to behave/look differently to satisfy him in such a way as to overcome his addiction is plausible, but not likely a long-term solution given that he has already needed to access increasing levels of (visual stimulation) porn in order to get the same satisfaction. I highly recommend that you pursue counseling for the two of you. I've been involved in this area for over 20 years and unfortunately have see little evidence of couples being able to get through this without professional help. I hope that you are a success story! True love can carry us through many challenges in life.
CRICKETRO 12/28/06 3:27 A
MOMMAX3, glad things are working out well. I tend to believe that ppl who go to church a lot look at porn as something very bad. don't get me wrong. we are both Christians and sometimes end up in church but we are trying to keep an open mind.
SP_COACH_TANYA 12/27/06 1:36 P
So glad to hear that this situation allow you to deal with things in your relationship. Hopefully in the future you will look back and be able to say this was one of the best things that ever happened in your relationship.
Tanya
TERESAROSE 12/22/06 5:55 P
Good Luck, and Kudos to you for having an open mind.
MOMMAX3 12/22/06 4:53 P
I'm realizing that this problem is a little more "innocent" than I first thought it to be. In fact, when I first found out about all this, I told him that this is it...I am leaving. But he was so against it, I needed a few days to think things through, and now I'm realizing that I have to really undersatnd the situation, I have to see if from his (male) perspective. I think for men, watching porn is something of a "stress" reliever...obviously, I'm not a man and I'm just guessing...but for us (and let's remember taht each situation, each person, is different), it was a culmination of communication issues, emotional problems, trust issues, and probably a few more problems as well...all of which manifested as this porn dilemma.
We are working on many issues now, talking to each other more candidly than we probably ever have. And we are praying a lot as well. Things are beginning to look up again. Thank God.
RUTHIECHAN 12/20/06 10:24 P
He has OCD? That could very well be a big part of the problem!
Many people with OCD have a routine, something that they HAVE to do and they can't help it, like checking the lock 5 times to make sure it's locked properly. My friend's exgirlfriend had to always ask for a piece of toast every time she went to someone's house or restaurant. She couldn't help herself.
OCD can also be a problem with communication. Is he on meds for this condition or getting any therapy or counseling? If not, he needs it ASAP.
MOMMAX3 12/20/06 2:23 P
OK, here is my posting from the Guy;s Lounge...
-------------------------------------------------- Wow. And to think that I was considering counseling...
Russ, when you were talking about the whole "safer to remain silent or it will be used against you at a later date", I think you are right about that. I can tell that that's why he just shuts down when I am talking to him. He doesn't want to get himself in anymore trouble, so to speak. Oh, and just for the record, after the first 24 hours, I had calmed down considerably. I was not yelling at him at all, I was still UPSET obviously...but I really and truly want to UNDERSTAND him. Well, now he is saying, just stop thinking about it, he will never do it again.
You guys are def right when you say that there are communication issues. That is actually my next planned topic of discussion...There are also some emotional issues (mine). I'm certainly not innocent in all of this. In fact, I'm realizing more and more just how much this is my own fault. If my husband is not satisfied in the sex department, then DUUUUH, it's my own stupid fault.
But the part I don't get is, what about all the years before we met, this was all going on for over a decade before I even came into the picture...what was the reason THEN??? You know what, I'll just LIST all the factors that might give you all a better background of where he/we are comign from:
*at about 13, he was accidentally exposed to some porn *we come from a religion and familes which STRONGLY discourage intermixing of the sexes -- meaning no dating, limited social contact with the opposite sex, etc. *even still, we were both born and raised in america, with american culture, and we all know how that is not in synch with the above mentioned religious/familial expectations. *he is a doctor -- yes, ob/gyn rotations, having women patients in general, etc. *he has OCD...obsessive-compulsive disorder...when it comes to his work-related cleanliness...
That's all I can think of at the moment. God, I made him seem REALLLY messed up...but he means well, he's a good father, he does have other positive traits.
Any new thoughts???
MOMMAX3 12/20/06 2:20 P
Cricket, I have watched porn with my husband on a couple of occasions. But it was softcore stuff...not anything really graphic. But the stuff that he was hiding was REALLLLLY hardcore! Also, another thing that worries me is that this has been going on for about TWENTY years!!! I was considering telling him that he can watch a little bit of porn, as long as we are together watching it, etc. But I don't know how much that will really help in this situtation...
MOMMAX3 12/20/06 2:17 P
Ok, wow, I think we have covered the whole spectrum here...And I do appreciate all of these comments, stories, etc. It helps to see the situation from all different angles.
Addicted2Mickey, what you said, about considerign my 3 daughters. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...that was one of my MAIN concerns. And that is why I'm trying to figure out how serious this really is! WHHYYYYYY??? Why are we facing this problem in the first place?????????????
I actually posted quite another lengthy post in the "Guys Lounge" forum, under the topic "Male perspective on porn"...you can check it out there. And I will also post it here as the next posting...
Thanks again, everyone, for all your help!
CRICKETRO 12/20/06 2:03 P
to ur surprise, i watch porn wt my DH, no , not for "getting" into action but for fun. we do laugh a lot LOL :) we never visit porn sites though b/c they are filled wt crap like malware and viruses but we seldom rent DVDs from our local sex shop. :)
everything in moderation is ok. when it becomes an addiction, that's not ok anymore.
we r both 26 and i was his first. he was my first also. we learned everything together and even from porn. no, we don't watch those kind of porn u talked abt, b/c we don't believe that's what sex should be. but i also tell u one thing: if he doesn't find at home what he wants, he sure will go and find it in another place. i don't say to do what u don't want to do just to please him but u do need to talk to him abt it. ask him abt his fantasies , his fetishes, everything... u r husband and wife, u can talk abt such things :)
RUSS1985, i so agree wt u. men and women can get so bored b/c of the same old bedroom routine. congrats on changing ur love life :) u sure deserve it
i don't think pornography is an addiction if u watch a DVD every 2 months or so. if u can't have sex without it, then it's an addiction.
RUSS1985 12/20/06 1:15 P
I try...
ADDICTED2MICKEY 12/20/06 1:10 P
LOL! That's good advice, Russ. :o)
RUSS1985 12/20/06 1:03 P
ADDICTED2MICKEY,
What you've described goes well beyond the pale of someone who casually looks at porn. The things your dad did sound like they instead went down an entirely different path and the scarring of that time really comes through in your post. I don't want to even think about it. Also, I'm not sure what your ex was doing to have sex 3-5 times a day and still want porn. I can't even fathom that extreme.
All I can say is you've had some jacked up men in your life in the past 29 years and not every man is like that. I can feel the anger and betrayal that you must still be feeling off of your post. What I can say is that if and when you choose to get out there again, make sure you find out what you need to about him but don't look at him as just another off shoot of the men you've dealt with in life. In short, don't give any new man the beating you wanted to give to the old man.
ADDICTED2MICKEY 12/20/06 12:11 P
Okay, well let me give you a little more background into my situation. We've heard the male point of view, the determined wife's point of view... now here's the victim's point of view:
The biggest problem I see with the situation is the what could happen to either your daughters in the future or your daughters' friends as they get into the teen years. My father had the same problem/addiction as my husband and let's just say that it fell upon us children later on, which is why this issue bothers me so much. My parents did get counseling. All my father learned to do was hide it better. Needless to say, I am very emotionally scarred and VERY upset with both of my parents at 29 years old. I'm angry at my father (obviously) for everything he did and I'm angry at my mother for staying with him. My father was so perverted that when I was 13 years old, he started hitting on my friends, too. No one would come over to my house if he was there.
Pornography is a sex addiction and like most addictions, people need a bigger and better high.
I do give merit to some of what has been said. There very well could be something lacking in the marriage and it may never get as serious as my situation. But keep your eyes open and trust your instincts... PLEASE for your daughters' sakes.
As far as my marriage, we were basically forced into it ~ having a child out of wedlock and coming from both Catholic & Mormon families. I didn't want to get married so young so my husband & I have had problems since day one. HOWEVER, I have always been relatively thin and I have no religious hang-ups... so let's just say I'm very "experimental" between the sheets ~ so how you look and act (intimately) doesn't matter when it comes to this type of addiction. Even during mine and my husband's best times (3-5 times a day!), he was still obsessed with porn.
My breaking point was when his addiction got worse and the porn got to be more violent... AND the girls kept looking younger & younger. Although his excuse was always that these girls HAD to be 18 to be on this website, my take on it was "Why would you even want to look at someone that looks so young?" They would be dressed up in child-like clothing and surrounded by stuffed animals. YUCKA!!! Plus, internet websites DO NOT monitor how old these girls are. I submitted a picture and the only thing they ask is for you to 'check mark a box' saying that you're 18 years old. They have no way of verifying anything.
Anyway, as soon as I found pictures of my own sister on his computer, that was it. I was done. No more counseling. No more wasting my life this loser. I can do better and I can do better for my kids. I don't want my daughter hating me later in life for the poor choices my husband made.
Hope I've been a little more insightful. Good luck, hun and remember: husbands can be replaced, your kids can't.
RUTHIECHAN 12/19/06 2:00 A
From answers.com: snuff film (n. Slang.) "A movie in a purported genre of explicit pornography culminating in the actual violent death of a participant in a sex act."
I agree with Russ, there is a need not being met. I had a similar issue. However, there were other underlining issues going on in my marriage that needed to be fixed and now it's not a problem anymore.
GO TO COUNSELING!
You need it for yourself to overcome your past issues. And for your marriage. Do not just say, "no more porn for you" without taking the steps to change the underlining issues. Otherwise he'll just go right back to the porn. It's an addiction, treat it like one.
And let me tell you, you do NOT have to be thin to have hot kinky sex! My husband came to visit this weekend, and let me tell you, I got a LOT of cardio in! (Seriously, that should totally count.) I am not a thin woman. I am 80 pounds over weight, and that doesn't stop me from seriously getting into the groove (I used to be sexually shy too btw, but he fixed that. He was sweetly encouraging, and I was open minded and enthusiastic.).
I know the pain is fresh, but it will ease with time, and it'll get easier for you to be able to talk to him and work this through. Start dating again, talk without accusation or condescention (is that even a word?). You both need alone time to just be together and to remember why you chose each other in the first place.
If you both want to work on your relationship, then there's a TON of HOPE for you both. It's not a lost cause.
*hugs*
Here are a few articles with a religious slant on pornography. Whether you are religious or not, I believe you will still find them useful.
OK, you've asked for a guys perspective on this and I can at least speak to my own situation on this. For a while in my marriage, it got very routine. We have four children who needed our time constantly.
The day went as follows:
Wake up at 6:00 go to work Work til 4:30 commute home Get home about 6:00 Work and play with kids until bed time 10-11:00 Lather, rinse, repeat.
Also, being honest, sex for me was getting boring. I knew the buttons I needed to push to bring my wife to orgasm and it happened the same way everytime. Get together, kiss, foreplay, bring her off once or twice, get mine, go to sleep. Yep, pretty darn uninspired.
I can tell you that by 11:00, my wife was drained (as she's with the kids all day) and would be in bed and more than likely sleeping. I would be tired but not ready to sleep. So, sometimes I'd watch porn. I'd download it to my PC or I'd put it on a seperate hard drive on my computer. Now, I'll tell you that was an empty time for us. It wasn't because I hate, dislike or wanted to replace my wife. It's mainly because I wanted to at least see something different. I know my wife hated it and I really wasn't getting much out of it, mainly because I saw the same stuff with different people. Also, not very inspiring.
What changed for me was three things:
1) I started losing weight and that allowed me to get back some of the bedroom mobility I had when we were dating
2) My wife and I realized that what we were missing as a couple was time for ourselves and we started to make a conscientious effort to make up for lost time. We fit in "Mommy and me" time now while we're both conscious and let me tell you, I missed that simple time to just tell each other jokes, talk about our day or just hug each other.
3) Lastly, I started incorporating things I was learning online. Mens health has more than a few tips for being a better lover. Also, my wife started frequenting a web site called The marriage bed. It's a Christian site about sex. As we started adding little bits from that into our life, our sex life went from kind of boring to "I can't wait to get home tonight."
I can't tell you how to act, but I'll bet you a dollar that he knows the sacrifices you made to bear each and every one of those children. I know what my wife went through for all three of my girls. I also can't tell you whether or not your feelings of betrayal are justified. They probably are, though I doubt he did it with much malice in his heart towards you. But maybe, you are in a rut like we were. If you're afraid that some woman on the Internet is his fantasy, then you need to decide if you'll have to step up and reclaim that role. You be his fantasy again. Talk to him. Figure out where his head's at here. Outside of finding the porn and ordering it out of your house, have you asked him what he was thinking? Why did he feel he needed that outlet? If he's given you an answer, have you accepted it for his answer or are you looking for more? There's a lot of ground to cover with this. If I can help you with this, let me know.
Russ I'm not a counselor, nor do I play one on the radio. But I'm a guy. Hey, that counts for something!
MOMMAX3 12/18/06 2:43 P
Tanya, thank you so much for the support and providing those websites. I hope to check those out very soon...I really need all the help I can get.
Thanks again.
SP_COACH_TANYA 12/18/06 11:10 A
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope your DH is interested in addressing the problem and working on your relationship and family. Here are some resources that might help both of you begin addressing this issue in your family.
Addicted2Mickey, thanks for your reply. It meant a lot to me, esp considering that you haVe gone through a similar situation. BTW, what are snuff films??? I'm so naive to all of this, I'm sorry.
I've told my husband that if I find out about anythign like this again, he will be sorry. I didn't really specify beyond that, bcs honestly, I'm not sure what steps I would take. But I have thought about leaving him many times. It's bcs of my children that I stay.
I don't see ANY of his contributions to our relationship...nothing but negativity. While I was/am working hard to keep our family and homelife happy for him and my children, his main concern is himself.
I really feel betrayed. The thoughts that come through my head are the kinds of things I hear from women who have been cheated on...he should have come to me instead of her, why wasnt i good enough, and i keep goign back and htinknig about different things that didn't add up, and now they make sense after finding out about his whole addiction to pornography. I just always figured that well, yeah of course he likes to look at beautiful women or naked women whatever, I just wrote it off as something that all men like to do...I don't know. I just don't understand...I just don't understsand how ONE physical act can be so intoxicating for a man. And it's no wonder he was never affectionate, romantic, nothing. Just get straight to the point and be done with it.
I'm really sad right now. I just keep crying.
ADDICTED2MICKEY 12/17/06 9:17 P
I had a similar problem with my husband... we've been married for nearly 10 years. His addiction got so bad that I started finding snuff films and gang rape type of stuff on his computer. The final straw was when he had pictures of my sister with photoshopped naked body parts. We've been separated for over a year. He wants to work things out and I can't stand him to even hug me anymore. He sickens me! First, let me say that I know how you feel but it isn't you. It's really not. Even the most attractive women have problems with their men & porn or even their men staying faithful. Get out as soon as you can. Without counseling, it's only going to get worse and then you'll be seeing him on a Dateline undercover story. Sometimes being alone can be a good thing. :o)
MOMMAX3 12/17/06 5:01 P
Ok, so my dilemma is quite personal as you can tell from the topic...This might be TMI for some people...I'm sorry.
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, and we have 3 wonderful little girls together. Last night, to my horror, I discovered my husband's porn addiction. I've suspected for many years now that there was "something" was not right...from time to time, I would look through the history list of internet sites, and last night that search led me to find TONS of files on our own computer, my husband's hidden computer files, etc. After I confronted him and asked him if there was anything else I should know about, he admitted that he had a DVD as well...They turned out to be SEVERAL dvds, and I had him throw them in the trash right then (and then in the morning I broke those DVDs to pieces)
I understand that many women don't mind porn and will even watch it with their significant others. There was once or twice that I did that for a short period of time with husband as well...BUT...the stuff that I found on these hidden files, videos, etc. were VERRRRY graphic...I have never seen anything so nauseating in my life! It was obviously very demeaning to women (and men), just animalistic, empty. I don't want to get into the details of it bcs this email might get sensored by SP, but I'm sure ppl can understand what I'm talking about.
Honestly, I felt betrayed. While I was busy having this man's children, doing nothing but taking care of his offspring and HIM, sacraficing everything to make the lives of everyone around me the best they possibly could be...THIS is what my husband was keeping himself busy with! He could have come to ME if he needed anything. That would have made me feel wanted. I had even told him before that I wish he would want sex MORE often. I'm a bit shy about sex still (other sexual and self-esteem issues from my past), but I try to do whatever my husband asks from me.
During sex, he would rarely touch me or even kiss me, just a "slam, bam, thank you maam" kind of sex. Or it would be "selfish", if you know what I mean...nothing really in it for me... Then there were times when my husband would not have sex with me for months at a time. Usually around the middle of my pregnancieshe would stop approaching me, which made me even more sensitive about my changing body. I feel especially hurt when I think about all those months that I spent wondering what was wrong with me????? why he didn't want me??? why he didn't need me??? I went through SOO much depression during those times. And that whole time, he was getting his "satisfaction" through porn and God only knows what else.
He really doesn't seem like the kind of man who would have an affair, but now I don't know. I feel like I don't even KNOW him! How could he have been hiding all this for so many years and I didn't even notice?????????!!!!!! Like I said, I did suspect that something wasn't right, but I could have never imagined the extent of it. He has told me that it is totally not my fault and has nothing to do with me, it is just something which he became addicted to about 20 years ago and has not been able to stop doing.
Well, truth is...I DO feel like this is my fault. I am no longer attractive to my husband. After having children, I am about 30 pounds heavier than I was when we first met...but I am working on changing that...maybe I don't do what he wants in bed...or HOW he wants? I don't know. Maybe it's the frequency that's the problem? I don't want it as much as he does? But I never turn him away either, no matter how exhausted I am, I try to accomodate him. I'm sorry if this is TMI, but these are things which have been bothering me for many years now. And, as of last night, I have finally found the reason why all of these issues existed in the first place.
So there. I've said it all, I think...finally, after all these years. I would appreciate any advice, comments, feedback. Especially if there are any men out there, if you can help me to understand my husband's side of this. Although, honestly I don't really know that I want to "understand" him, I just want him to stop doing it. Period. And if you think that I am over-reacting, you can tell me that too.
I'm sorry this is so long or if this doesn't make sense sometimes...I have not slept much and my head hurts from crying.
