They're young, and this behavior can be changed. These commercials are designed to entice the kids and make them WANT this crap. Once they get it and see there is an unending supply they usually don't cherish it.
We always confined gifts like this to birthdays and Christmas. When the Christmas commercials gear up we have our kids start a running list of what t hey may like to have from Santa. Then when the toy r us catalogues and the like comes I ask theem to review it and circle what they want. Then, we ask them to narrow down the list to the top ten because Santa can't possibly bring them everything they want. Soon they debate the merits of the toys, as they get older they will realize that half of these things aren't as fun as pictured and made like crap and you and your H will wind up with a manageable list to choose from. I like to get a couple things they really want, slip in some clothes type items or things they actually need wrapped nice and some educational type things they may not have thought of.
If they own a lot of stuff the wisdom of packing most of it away and rotating the toys that are out is good. Then they have a limited amount of stuff to play with and may care for it and pay ore attn to it. When they're asleep you can choose when to rotate out and in other toys.
JOHANNAB 11/8/06 9:23 A
I have three little ones and I tell them they have to earn what they want. Or else they don't get it. And I tell them no ifs, ands, or buts about it.... good luck.
NATENKATE 11/5/06 3:29 P
I know what you mean. I have a 4 year old boy who is my parent's only grandchild and even worst...i live at home. So, of course he gets so spoiled and everything he wants. And I feel like I have no say in anything. I tell Nathan(my son) that he cannot have any candy before he eats a good dinner and my father out loud says "oh, let him have a piece" and Nathan hears it, so of course he gets it and I'm the bad guy. That is every day and my parents wont listen when I try to say, "hello, I am the mother!" So I'm left with a child who just goes to my parents when I tell him no and they say no and they are so wonderful and I am just mean mommy. Sorry to vent on your post, just wanted to say I feel for you
HOTTIEWANNABE 11/5/06 2:24 P
I don't have children, but I see others with kids and remember my childhood. For little ones it always seems they have more fun playing with a spoon and bowl from the kitchen than some of the real toys, they are easily entertained. When my niece was about 6 or 8 months, I watched her play with a macaroni box with a few noodles closed in it longer than I ever saw her play with her rattles or baby toys. My mom used to rotate our toys, put some away for awhile then rotate them with ones we were presently playing with. Heck, I never noticed they were gone. Helped not to get bored with the same stuff and the smaller kids will probably think its smething new.
I think the most eye opening thing for me was my mom telling me of kids who had no toys and had me and my brother and sister to help her go through ours and pick some that we didn't want or play with anymore. to take to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. And yes it was hard to pick those toys, but you knew they were going to others who didn't have toys. At Christmas we always gave to toys for tots and can drives, etc.
As far as breaking and not taking care of our things was just NOT allowed. Yes things break, but if it was out of abuse or things got lost we were punished. Both my parents would sit down and have talks with us about how hard they have to work to get those things for us and we were told the ole' "money doesn't grow on trees speech". But knowing my dad had to work so hard for those things really made me feel different.
And again I don't have kids yet, but I think being able to think simply and logically like a child really helps. kids are testing you and what the parent lets them get away with sets the standard for the future.
SHEDAWN1964 11/3/06 9:51 A
Hi...great topic and something that I was just discussing with my family over the past few weeks. My kids are a little older, but I wish that we would have started this years ago.
I told them that this year, instead of me buying a bunch of "junk" just to fill up under the tree, they could tell me one or two items that they really wanted and then as a family we are going to do some charity work (hands one) and make a couple of monetary donations to some of our favorite charities. There's a cool one that I'm really involved with, called Heifer International (www.heifer.org). You can buy say, a flock of chickens for $20, or a share of a goat for $10, etc. for a family. It makes it more personal and the kids like the animal aspect. Then, there are always shelters, etc. that need donations of turkeys, hygeine packs, etc.
I really want the kids to see that the true meaning of Christmas is what we can give (to be representatives of Christ), not how full it gets under the tree.
JCABDO 11/2/06 5:49 P
Boy what a great topic, especially this time of year with the holidays coming. In our house, it has always been our fault; our two boys rarely ask for things but my huband, father-in-law and myself seem to have a compulsion to buy things!!!! I guess that's why they don't ask, they already have enough. I am going to make it leaner Christmas this year and we usually sponser a family also. We have been throwing around the idea of an allowance for awhile, I think that we need to get going on that. It might help for the boys to feel responsible.
RACHA27 11/1/06 4:45 P
I also have young children...a 7 year old, 4 year old, and 10 month old. We have tried to have "small" Christmases so they don't get overwhelmed with so many gifts. They get one big thing from Santa and then 2-3 things from us. They also are always, "I want..." when watching tv, so we tend to limit their tv time to 1 hour/day. The thing that I highly recommend is having your kids help you with volunteer work. Both my dh and I have done volunteer work for a long time and our kids come along. We typically sponsor a family for christmas every year and the boys help me pick out gifts for them. It has really helped them see the importance of giving, and I think they are less "spoiled" but still feel loved and valued!
Good luck!
LKG9999 10/31/06 10:38 A
AmberLee16,
I think we started with $2/week and she's now up to $2.50/week. She does have things that I expect her to do and she is "docked" if she doesn't do them, such as making her bed, picking up her clothes, collecting trash on trash day, etc. Honestly I'm not as tough on her as I probably should be, but I also feel like she is *very* responsible about things like getting her homework done and being on time to school, so the concept of personal responsbility is definately there.
One downside to the allowance is that she's figured out that money can also be used for food. I've had to explain to her that it doesn't matter if she uses her money or mine to buy the school lunch; if it's a burger and fries it's still an unhealthy food choice and I don't want her buying that day.
KURS10B 10/30/06 9:16 P
My kids are a bit older, but we do go through some of that with them. My kids have lost gameboys, games, etc and broken other things. I make my kids pay to replace the things they break.
They get an allowance too so they can buy things from book orders or play games when they go to the skating rink. Both boys get $10 every 2 weeks, but half of it has to go in their bank account. I also make them save around half of any money they get for birthdays or christmas. They can also go rake leaves, mow lawns, or other jobs for money. That way when they do want something bigger they can buy it on their own. My oldest son has bought his own PS2, Gameboy DS and they split the cost of a new gamecube. I also make them buy most of their games. They take better care of the stuff if they had to spend their own money on it.
CUDA440 10/30/06 4:32 P
My personal opinion is they have to earn it with doing something around the house.
Beckie
AMBERLEE16 10/30/06 1:42 P
Wonderful ideas LKG! My kids don't tend to ask for much, of course we don't have TV so that helps. The only time they want something is at the dollar store or after spending time with Grandma and Grandpa.
Last year my middle child decided we would have a giving Christmas and we all agreed. We took items we would normally want and gave them away. We gave to the giving tree at church and really talked about other people and children. I think that made quite an impression.
I like the allowance idea. How do you decide how much to give and is it weekly? If so is this just money they get or do they have to do certain things each week to secure their allowance? I want to teach that they have to work to earn, but I have heard varying feelings on the subject of earning an allowance or not earning one.
Any thoughts?
LKG9999 10/30/06 1:33 P
MYKIDZZMOM,
You are wise to recognise the pattern that is developing with your children and start working on changing it. It *will* get harder to change as they get older, and they are young enough that the transition will be significantly easier than a few years from now.
Here's what I've done with my DD (age 8). When she was 5-ish, I started giving her an allowance. Then when she would say "Can I get [insert name of toy here]?", I could answer "Save your allowance!" As she got older we would discuss how much a given toy costs and how long it would take her to save for it. Once it was "her" money that had to be used for the toy and she understood how long it would take to save for it, the number of requests went way down.
We also have Christmas and birthday lists. When it starts to get close to those occasions (conveniently spaced about 6 months apart), she can put items on the list that she would like as presents. If she wants something that I know is unreasonable, such as a pony (!), I let her know that up front so she doesn't have unrealistic expectations about what she might actually receive from the list. Also if there are items she wants more than others they are highlighted so I make sure to tell her dad (we're divorced), grandparents, etc. when they ask what she wants for the upcoming gift-giving.
One other thing I'm doing with her is starting to have her do some charity work with me. At Christmastime I'll take her with me to pick out toys that we'll donate, and we'll discuss what it must be like to be a child who's parents can't afford basics like food and clothing, much less toys. For her last birthday, I suggested that in lieu of presents for her at her birthday party that her guests bring a donation for an animal shelter. She still got some very nice presents and felt very good about the items she was able to give her aunt's cat shelter.
AMBERLEE16 10/30/06 1:31 P
Buck/Ken--I understand where you are coming from! The grandparents buy all sorts of stuff and we are constantly trying to find places for it or do something with it. We have at least gotten them to cut down and get more clothes than toys, but it is still difficult. We could use the money instead of toys for activities the kids want to do like dance lessons or karate.
This is a great topic and a tough one for many parents. I have noticed that parents that come from a poor or difficult background have a tendancy to want to give their kids everything. The attitude of "My kid won't have to suffer the way I did". But I think that defeats the purpose of learning to get through those tough times together.
Thanks for the book too, I will have to check that one out!
BUCKHOLDT 10/30/06 12:48 P
From Library Journal Psychiatrist Cline and educator Fay's "Love and Logic" parenting method advocates raising responsible children through practice. "Helicopter" parents hover around their children while "drill sergeant" parents give orders to theirs, they claim. Neither of these styles permits children to learn how to make choices and learn from the consequences. The result is that as early as adolescence these children too often make bad decisions. In the context of a healthy, loving relationship, "Love and Logic" parents teach their children responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems, providing skills for coping in the real world. After laying out the principles of "Love and Logic," the authors provide "parenting pearls," which are strategies for applying the method to actual situations such as back-seat battles in the car, homework, and keeping bedrooms clean. The narration, performed by Tim Kenney and Bert Gurule, is clear and energetic. This is an upbeat and sensible approach to child rearing that will be popular in public libraries.?Nann Blaine Hilyard, Fargo P.L., N.D. Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
John Kennington, Fellowship Today Magazine, December 1990 If you're looking for practical parenting skills, this book is a must. The pages are chock full of tips that you can implement right away...this book is one of the best parenting resources I've seen. Because of what I learned from this book, I've already seen positive changes in my relationship with my son. Don't let this vital resource slip by. (Jolene L. Roehlkepartain, OURS Magazine, February 1993) Without question, this is the most practical book I have ever read on this subject, and I hope that every parent gets a copy and puts it into practice. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
There are Love and Logic books on a lot of different topics. I have an eight year old grandkid living with me. This one might be the one I get. I got Dare to Discipline when my kids were young.
CUDA440 10/30/06 11:43 A
I am in the middle of reading a book called Love and Logic. IT'S GREAT!!! One thing in there was to give your child a lot of "choices" But always make the choice something you would want. like going to the park. "Do you want to go on the swings first or the slide" "Swing" "do you want daddy to push you or do it yourself" "push" ECT. Then about 15 minutes before time to go. tell them it's almost time to go back home. and of coarse they will say no. then Say "do you want to go home now, or in 15 min.?" "15 Min" Then they will be more apt to leave. Even choices for food. Do you want corn or beans for dinner. Do you want to get in the wagon or should I put you in. Both get you what you want, but they get to make the choice. Once in a while you have to make the choice and tell them that you let them make a lot of choices and this time it's your turn. But the book keep saying that if you give them choices it lets them think for themselves. One other thing they said about picking up was "do you want to pick up your toys, or do you want me to pick them up?" if they don't do it in 10 min. NO WARNINGS, you pick them up and put them up high, or away for at least 2 days. NOTE the book is based for kids Birth to 6. It could be longer for older ones. Next time they might want to pick them up themselves. Another book called dare to disipline suggested to give kids "chores" about 5 and every time they did do them they got some money and they could save it to buy something they wanted. Of coarse the book was old and said a penny. I would at least do a quarter or so But mine are little yet.
Check these out. I really like the Love and Logic and I am only half way through it. My mom bought both of them for me.
Beckie
LSMAPP 10/30/06 11:03 A
I just wanted to say thanks for posting such an interesting topic - I have two young boys and I struggle with finding balance for them in this way. I want them to have nice things and such, but I want to really teach them to value things and not to be too materialistic. So far the things that work for us are to limit the number of toys they get in general and we definitely do the modelling thing - it certainly seems to help. We play together and we emphasize how important it is to be nice to our toys and they have had things taken away (permanently) when they throw them or disrespect them.
Good luck in your struggles!!
MYKIDZZMOM 10/30/06 10:54 A
Slim...I hope that you are right about the younger they are the easier it will be. And it is harder on us than it is them. I do want to give them all that they want. We do live in a society that we want things on demand. I think that we have taught them this mentality. Sad to say!!!
And yes my mom-gets them soooo many things it is rediculous! I have tried to tell her to stop-but you know how that goes. It is even to the point where my 4 year old is already quite overweight and just Saterday she was at my moms and they made cookies with frosting...okay so not that bad of a deal, however, my mom let her eat everything in sight until she was sick to her tummy. Afterwards, I talked with my mom and explained the whole situation and asked her to please not feed her everything that she wants. She totally agreed with me and apologized.
So off we are to try and re-teach our children that we are not going to live like this anymore. LOL Wish us good luck!
BUCKHOLDT 10/30/06 8:46 A
Not giving them what they want is going to hurt you more then it hurts them. I am married to a grandmother. She always feels she has to buy the kids things. And she goes crazy at Christmas. Needless to say, the kids have too much.
SLIMGIRL13 10/30/06 7:24 A
HI. I was just reading your blog and I feel for you. I have a 13 and a 8 year old. My oldest had EVERYTHING, everytime we went to the store, he got something, grandparents got him big, expensive things, etc....I finally had enough and I thought we were going crazy because the older he got the more he expected. On the other hand, my youngest basically just got what he needed and things when they were special, (holidays, etc) and he got rewards for accomplishments. He is a much better person because of it. He's more independent and values everything he gets. I'm working on my older one to this day but the older he gets he realizes he had a very good lifestyle and life-he still does, just not as much materialistic things. Slowly, move away and explain why they aren't going to get the things that were once handed to them and try to show them how hard your husband works for the money. The younger they are, they will adjust pretty darn easy. Good luck! I'd love to hear from you.
MYKIDZZMOM 10/29/06 5:54 P
Coach Dean, What an AWSOME way to look at this situation. I didn't "think" about modeling (playing) with them and then putting it away...boy sometimes I can be foggy headed LOL. I also agree with you about the advertising but again-didn't think of it in terms of a child's perspective. I think the most valuable peice of info you gave me and that I think is such a great idea is having them list somethings that they would like and then if they want to add something else-they have to take an item off.
It is so hard to be a parent-or at least I think it is-and I don't want my children growing up with the idea that if they want something they are automatically entitled to it.
Thank you so much for what I feel was a very heartfelt peice of advice!!!
SP_COACH_DEAN 10/29/06 5:40 P
Hi, M
My kids are grown now, but I can definitely remember having this problem--and making a lot of mistakes trying to deal with it, lol. I think it's important not to assume that the kids' behavior means the same thing it would mean if an adult acted that way. kids that age don't really have the ability to handle abstract concepts like taking care of things so they don't get broken, or showing how they value their possessions by taking good care of them. So, they're not really demonstrating opposite attitudes when they trash things. And it won't do much good to try to explain things to them in these terms, either.
What they can do is learn how to take care of things by modeling what they see you and other people doing. If you play with the toys with them and show them how to avoid breaking them, and help them put things away when they're done, they'll usually start picking up on that and doing it themselves (as best they can). But just telling them to be careful and not break things, or to put them away out of harm's way--or doing that for them later on sometime by yourself--isn't going to work very well. You need to show them how to do it by doing it with them, and by gradually shifting more and more of the work on to them while you watch.
The other thing is to let them see that there are consequences for their behaviors. If they do break something by being careless or too rough, it goes away and doesn't get replaced (at least for awhile). If you tell them they can't have something and they keep asking for it, don't give in. They'll stop asking when they realize it doesn't work--and they'll do it more if they know you'll eventually give in just to pacify them.
As for them asking for everything they see on TV, that's just normal--that's the result the advertising agencies get paid to produce, and they know how to do it. The kids won't remember 99% of it by the time Christmas gets here, and they're not really expecting to get everything--they're just responding to what they see in front of them on the TV. I think that, instead of telling them no, help them make a short list of the things they like the most, so that Santa Claus (or whoever) can pick one (or however many) to give them. If they want to put something new on the list later on, tell them they have to take something else off. That'll help them understand about making choices instead of just asking for everything.
Hope this helps.
Coach Dean
MYKIDZZMOM 10/29/06 2:39 P
Okay-I need some advice on what all of you would do to handle this type of situation. Or have you been in this situation and what did you do?
Our children Boy age 6 1/2 and daughter age 4 are spoiled to the MAX!!!! We have pretty much given them anything and everything that they have asked for. Mainly for christmas and birthdays...not a whole lot of "just because" gifts. The problem that we are running into is that they do not value anything that they have...they don't care if they break it, tear it apart or demolish it. We have thrown away hundreds if not thousands of dollars worth of stuff that they have broken or simply have not taken care of.
So this morning they are watching cartoons and of course every commercial is toys, toys, toys and at every toy that they saw the both exclaimed "hey, mom/dad I want that for my birthday/christmas". Finally, I asked them if there was anything that they did NOT want and to which to both said no. That is when my husband and I looked at each other and began to tell them that we were tired of the way they treated the things that we did get them and that we felt like they did not deserve any more "nice" things. We feel like they just don't get it or just don't care. We also feel like they have the mentality of "well it really doesn't matter becuase we will just get new things at christmas/birthday".
I partley feel like it is our fault because up to this point we really haven't "taught" them to value the things that they have.
So now here is our BIG question....how do we undo the damage that we have caused in the past and get them to appreciate the things that they have and will get in the future. I am at the point where I don't want to buy them anything else for them to ruin. To our defense-we have started to tell them no a lot in the past few weeks and of course it has been a shock to their systems...but I know the more we say it the more they will understand and just maybe quit asking for things.
Any and all advice is really appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this post.
