  |
|
|
|
| We have chores with allowance. SOme goes to taxes (family fun), some to savings and the rest is for them to spend as they will. They are VERY excited about it.
|
|
|
|
OK, I read more and copied and pasted and printed some more out so I can have them on hand and read them as often as needed.
THANKS.
I do know I started to read Dobson's book (my mom gave it to me) and one thing was to set up 5-8 things that they can do. and would get 1 penny for each item they did. ANd some of the suggestions were fed the dog without being told (of coarse these were for 5 + year olds) and other things like this. Then as they did them more on a regular basis then you do a different "chore" or item to be able to do. they could collect the penny's I think so much went to charity, so much went for whatever they wanted to buy, and so much for something else (it's been a while since I started reading it.) I will have to pull it out again. I stopped cause it seemed for older children than a 2 year old.
Thanks again.
Beckie
|
|
|
|
Amy, I just read this what you put up, I really needed to read this, since my 2 year old is driving me up a wall. Especially since we also have a 2 month old.
THANKS AGAIN, I will read some more of these posts in a second.
Beckie
|
|
|
|
| Yeah!!! Savor the good days and let go of the bad ones!!!!! Just enjoy your days and always remember that tomorrow is a new day with new beginnings.
|
|
|
|
| Thanks for the encouragement. The kids did really well today. That was such a nice change. I made sure to reward them quite well.
|
|
SUZANNEJOZEF
9/23/06 7:30 A
|
|
|
|
Beep, You are doing a great job!!! I can only imagine how hard and frustrating it must get at times. Stay strong and hang in there, those kids need you!!. You are doing so great with your weight loss also, so close to goal!! WHOO HOOO.
Suzanne
|
|
|
|
| I know we are on track. I need to remind myself of that when we have set backs. I appreciate the support in here.
|
|
|
|
| Counseling is the way to go and it may take years to make any headway. I know from experience because I have adopted my grandchildren and the oldest has needed counseling from day one. It has been eight years but it definitely is better than day one. He too had blackouts/flashbacks and severe behavior problems. I think that other people viewed his behaviors as temper tantrums but they weren't. With alot of love and patience, which was not always easy and I would lose it, he is now a teenager and only has flashbacks once in awhile. Their homelife was horrible, to make a long story short. So, the suggestions that I give are from experience. The counseling has included me because I needed to have instructions and follow them to help him. I have learned alot about my patience!!!! His sister has counseling because she acted out from having a brother that needed so much attention. She has not needed as much counseling. I've prayed alot and apologized and learned to be consistant with my love and discipline. I had to change my ways too. Sounds like you are on the right track!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Both adults are in counseling. My oldest was all school year last year and the younger two are being evaluated by the specialists at the local Children's hospital.
Tonight when my daughter had a blackout I had her tell me what she remembered. She actually remembered all of her actions, just not me talking to her. I explained that was a good thing and that she can next work on responding to my words.
|
|
SUZANNEJOZEF
9/15/06 6:44 P
|
|
|
|
Unless she is "blacking" out during something really important, ignore her and walk away. Once she sees she is not getting the attention it may stop. Good luck, you definately have your hands full.
The other thing you may want to try to help "blend" the family is some family counseling. Or even individual if necessary.
Suzanne
|
|
|
|
Yeh, I have talked with her and told her that she is the one who controls the 'black outs'. Of course, then she cries saying she can't help it. She tends to be a perpetual victim and I have no idea how to get her to stop that cycle.
Thanks for all the suggestions.
|
|
|
|
| Yes, the other children will act out when all of the attention goes to one child for the wrong behavior. That is why giving attention for the wanted behavior is important and do it for all of the children. You are not perfect but you are a good parent!!! It sounds like you are trying to blend a family of different personalities. Try talking with your daughter about the "black outs" or not listening; which called selective hearing also, and ask her how to solve the behavior. Try taking her arm, quietly, and walking her to her room when she does this. Tell her she will stay in her room until she can listen and talk with you. Set her up with her own chart and make this as a behavior. I'm not a counselor, just a mother and grandmother that has been there and there is not a perfect answer for any human behavior. You may find one thing that works for awhile and then you have to change it because it seems to stop working. Raising kids is work!!!! They are not an extension of us and they are not predictable any more than we are!!! You keep up the good work lady, you are a good person!!! Look at your statement at the end of your message board. It says it all!!!
|
|
|
|
Funny u say not to reward with candy because often it is the ONLY thing she is interested in. However, if I do use it, I only give one chocolate kiss. She would rather have that than any toy in the world! She has always been that way. She never really gets candy any other time. She is wild enough. LOL.
My other daughter is acting out now since I have been trying to focus more on my middle child. She has developed a new behavoir of 'blacking out' (her words) where she just stops listening to what we are saying and wiggles, twirls, stares, etc. We have to touch her or punish her to get her to snap out of it. At this point, I believe it is more of a habit than a mental issue. However, I just don't know what to do to get her to quit doing it. I do know she wants attention. She was an only child with just her and her mom until we got together. They did everything together! Even slept together. Both her mom and dad remarried last year. She had a rough time with it.
I have to tell u that I am feeling like a failure of a parent. It seems each of our kids has some kind of issue. I just don't know what to believe.
(Thanks for listening)
|
|
ROSEBUD12
9/13/06 12:17 P
|
|
|
|
| I also reduce the punishment days with good behavior so that it does not seem too stressfull enforcing it and I am rewarding the good behavior. It is a happy balance and the good thing is, You Do Not Have to Sweat the Small Stuff!!!!
|
|
SUZANNEJOZEF
9/13/06 10:40 A
|
|
|
|
Beeps, I agree with Rosebud, loosing it is normal even for adults!! as like her after I loose it and calm down I sit my child down and explain or my outburst and we then talk about what happened and how it got to that point. kids appreciate that we apologize to them just as much as we appreciate it when they apologize and mean it. I have told my son that he has his areas to work on and mom and hers to work on also so let's do it together.
Suzanne
|
|
|
|
| That's OK. You're not perfect!!! I have trouble with the oldest and he tries my patience to this day!!!! Don't give in or feel guilty though. After I cooled down and took a breather from them, whether it was overnight or a few minutes, I would apologize to them for my outburst and hug them and tell them that I loved them. I would let them know that I will try harder and if I am upset I will leave the room until I can calm down. However, your behavior was unacceptable and lets discuss how you can change it. Even a five year old will come up with ideas. There is a book out called the "Strong Willed Child", I am not sure who the author. It might help. Just the other day I had an AM blow up with the thirteen year old. I hate to start the day like that!!!! I ended up opening up the door putting his book bag and shoes outside and as calm as possible stating" bye, have a nice day and I love. I will talk to you later". His mouth was going and going all the way out the door and I just kept saying OK bye. He went out the door and put his shoes on outside. Now I never said too much about the punishment and he evidently knew that it was coming because when I arrived home from work he was all smiles and apologetic. I reminded him that according to the rules that when he acts like that he loses his X-Box for a week and he could not go outside to play for three days. If his behavior continues I add days of the losing of the X-Box and grounded to the house. At this point in time I write out five behaviors that we are working and his rewards are the TV time, the X-Box time, going to the YMCA time etc. and when he loses these things it hurts because he enjoys them. When he was younger it was other rewards. I read that you should never use candy or food for rewards. Anyway, You Are Not Perfect! What counts is you are AWARE!!!!! Keep up the Good Work and start again.
|
|
|
|
| I lost it with her today. Some days I just have no patience and she tries me to the limit. I know she just wants attention, but all 4 of them want it ALL the time! I tried so hard to stay calm, but I blew it.
|
|
|
|
| I work too and had a hard time remembering or having the time to do the charts. I put them in each of their rooms because it was easier to remember just before I would say prayers with them. It became part of the bedtime ritual. That is also why I kept it at five things to work on daily and then change it once a month or when needed. If you're consistant with it they take it very seriously and try. Then it becomes a habit! I like your thought at the bottom of message. It says it all!
|
|
|
|
I have been trying to do more of the explaining and showing why its good to be different. They are slowly getting it. My younger two are only 6 months apart. I get 'no fair' quite often. lol
I like the dry erase idea. We did have charts on the fridge, but they soon got forgotten. With both of us working fulltime, staying consistent is the hardest part.
Thanks again for the support.
|
|
ROSEBUD12
9/11/06 12:10 P
|
|
|
|
| Great Ideas!!! I actually had an erasable whiteboard in each of their rooms with a list of five things that they were working on. When I put them to bed at night we would check off the things that they did and they collected marbles for the ones that they did. At the end of the week they could turn in the marbles for agreed upon rewards; the rewards changed with age and the method changed with age. We did not make a big deal about the ones that did not get checked off. When the kids were hard on themselves and did not want to look at their chart that night I always reminded them "Oh you may have had a hard time today but you did do several things to get your rewards." There were few days that they did not have at least one reward and when they did not I stayed positive and said "tomorrow is a new day and you can try again tomorrow." When they were five they were working on things like, brushing teeth, making bed, getting dressed, picking up toys and when they are thirteen they are working on coming home on time, keeping their words positive at the table etc.. If raising kids meant that all we had to do was tell them once or twice then why do they need parents to help them as they grow? That is our job and what a wonderful job it can be when you see the changes. Good Luck!
|
|
SUZANNEJOZEF
9/11/06 11:10 A
|
|
|
|
Another possibility is when setting up your system, give the kids different things that they are rewarded for based on their ability, so the older ones may have to work harder for theirs..for example they have to finish their chores with only one reminder as where she gets 3, If say her problem is brushing her teeth, but not the other kids, she is rewarded for doing it but hey have different things they have to accomplish. individualize them as much as possible.
If any of them say it's no fair your treating us different tell them, yes your right I am because you are different people. Explain that the 5 year old goes to bed at say 7:00 but the 9 year old goes to bed at 9:00, tell the 9 year old, if I treat you like her that means you go to bed at 7:00 that's why it's so great to be different.
Good luck
Suzanne
|
|
|
|
I totally empathize. I have 3 kids that are so different from each other, it is hard to believe they are siblings.
I stopped trying to treat them "equal" a very long time ago. In the end, the only thing that is fair is to treat them as individuals. Each has unique gifts and needs.
So do what you need to do for your daughter and explain to all of them, that you acknowledge that they are different from each other, and that you're there to give them each what they need, and that you love them all so much that it's not possible to love anyone more.
It does work out. Mine range from 11-17, plus an 11 year old stepdaughter. When we introduced her to the household I anticipated all sorts of problems because her dad doesn't enforce the same rules for her as I do for my son (a bone of contention to this day).
The surprising thing is that it has never been an issue to the kids. Not once have I heard "no fair" or "she gets to do that, how come I don't" or visa versa.
So, do what you need to for her, just as you do for the others.
|
|
|
|
Hi,
I have been doing a lot of the things you suggest. I think my biggest obstacle right now is that my daughter is one of four children and I struggle with how to raise her differently without it seeming like it. The other kids get upset if they don't get points, marbles, whatever, yet if they do, they always get 20 times as many as she does. Alternately, if I say that she has a differing set of rules (or even imply it), then she feels different. Here is where I am very afraid that her self esteem is suffering. It seems like she is 'always' in trouble while the others are always getting rewards. She has never had as many 'coins' as the others even when I try to slip her some for very easy behaviors.
I hope you can follow my dilemna.
|
|
|
|
You've set up a good, structured discipline program, and you're right, it both works and does so without destroying the child's spirit and self esteem.
Easychild.com is software that helps parents set up that sort of program in the home. You don't have to have software to do it, however not all parents completely understand the process, and the software comes with guidance on how to know what to put on the list, as well as figuring out what motivates your child so it works (plus you can track long term progress).
The software works better with older kids (even teens), only in that things like star charts and pebbles feel cheesy to a teen.
The trick is to know your kid and what motivates them, and to keep the goals and rewards short term for smaller kids. If the goal it intimidating, or too far off to remember, it doesn't work for smaller kids.
|
|
SUZANNEJOZEF
9/10/06 10:38 A
|
|
|
|
The things that have worked for my son and I are...Unless it is hurting him or someone else and not outright defiant...ignore the bad and praise the good. (he is ADHD) some kids don't care what type of attention they get as long as they get it. If you can ignore the bad and praise the good, they start thinking...Hey I've been doing these things and I don't get any attention, but when I do these things I get attention...
My son also went through a phase of low self esteme and made the comment "I can't do anything right" So to show him all the good stuff he does, I bought a bag of marbles and then some large colored stones, for everything good he did, for every chore he did,he got a marble for doing what was expected of him without me telling him more than 3 times (to start with, now down to once)he got a marble put in a jar. It didn't take long to fill that jar(try to keep it fairly small) Once he saw how quickly it filled up he started realizing I do, do good things.
THings he got a marble for were, feeding his cats, getting up in the morning without a fuss, getting dressed, brushing teeth, He got a large colored stone for the specialt things he did without being asked...Helped someone at school, helped at home without being asked, vacuum, sweep, did homework without a fuss...His problem areas I made the big stones since it was hard for him to do some of these things. Within 1 week I could tell the difference in him.
As a reward he got to buy a toy at the dollar store on the weekend or he could save it to buy something bigger at Walmart.
We also have a daily check off sheet for the morning and afternoon. from the time he gets up to the time he has to go to bed with a time frame that he has to complete each item. These are not big things but things I don't want to have to keep reminding him to do.
wake up by a certain time in the morning for school without mom hounding him.
feed cats, scoop litter, eat breakfast, take medicine, take medicine, put jammies away,,,all things you want done in the morning before going to school.
Then in the afternoon, come home, put lunch box on counter, pull out homework, put backpack away, have snack, do homework, what time he can watch tv and how long....things to be done with sitter there until I get home.
Then at night, shower, jammies, put dirty clothes away, get clothes ready for next day, backpack ready.......
It has worked wonders for us expecially for a child that has a hard time with change, he knows what is expected, what time it should be done and I don't have to keep telling him. We use the same schedule every day..I even have put in what time he has to be dressed for Karate, what time we have to leave...He even has to know what time I will be home everyday.
Hope this helps.
Suzanne
|
|
|
|
| Thanks for all the suggestions. We have made many changes th epast few weeks. I have really toned down my yelling. Its not gone tho. I am trying. Sometimes my frustration gets the better of me. Each of my children has a different issue and it makes it tough when I am tired or stressed. All in all I think things have been improving. Thank god.
|
|
|
|
These are wonderful ideas!!! If I could add, when I took a toy away I placed it in a time out basket on top of the refrigerator. The basket was low so the item could be seen but not touched. I still use this for my early teens when a ball or item is taken away.
I always reviewed with them the behavior that gets the good results, such as " let's practice how to ask me or let's practice how to say you are not happy with what I said, or let's practice how to say that, etc.." and practice the behavior that you want or the way you want them to talk to you. When they don't do it simply say excuse me, how do you say that?. It takes more practice with the five year old but it becomes a habit or learned behavior and I do not have to yell, they correct themselves before I have to punish. Not 100% of the time; they still are learning at thirteen and eleven, but I would say 95% of the time. They correct themselves and try again.
|
|
|
|
These are wonderful ideas!!! If I could add, when I took a toy away I placed it in a time out basket on top of the refrigerator. The basket was low so the item could be seen but not touched. I still use this for my early teens when a ball or item is taken away.
I always reviewed with them the behavior that gets the good results, such as " let's practice how to ask me or let's practice how to say you are not happy with what I said, or let's practice how to say that, etc.." and practice the behavior that you want or the way you want them to talk to you. When they don't do it simply say excuse me, how do you say that?. It takes more practice with the five year old but it becomes a habit or learned behavior and I do not have to yell, they correct themselves before I have to punish. Not 100% of the time; they still are learning at thirteen and eleven, but I would say 95% of the time. They correct themselves and try again.
|
|
|
|
A couple of more good ideas (Amy was spot on) -
1. Smaller kids really do respond well to structure. Also you have to remember that kids aren't born knowing right from wrong, or having self-control, so you have to really be sure she understands what you expect, AND she needs to be praised when she delivers.
2. Sometimes (actually often) punishment is not the best recourse. The primary definition of discipline is "the teaching of correct behavior." If you can look at the situation and walk her back through how it should be done, you are providing a learning situation, instead of a punitive one.
3. Consequences - This is the toughest area for parents because consistency makes a huge diffence. Every choice any of us makes comes with a consequence, sometimes good and sometimes bad. We learn most from "natural" consequences. Examples: touch a hot stove, get burned; or lick a lollipop, taste sweet.
The best learning tool is a natural consequence. The second best is a logical consequence. Example: Throw your toy in the house, it gets taken away for 2 days (without yelling or threats by you..it's just gone)
After that, you have to work with other things. The earning and taking away of privileges works very well and as she gets older, is often your only choice. With a younger child, this can be as simple as: "If you throw a tantrum at the park when it is time to leave, we can't come back for 2 days," or "Your room isn't picked up so the TV is off for the rest of the day."
4. kids need clear expectations of what you want from them and aren't mind readers. "Clean your room" may well have different meanings to you and your daughter. So work beside her the first few times to show her what you expect so she gets it "see, how neat the books are?" Plus this is actually good mommy and me time.
5. When she does something wrong, talk about it, but not in the heat of an agitated moment. If one or both of you needs to cool down, then take that time first. Time outs are great for younger kids, but over the next few years, they will lose their power except as a way of cooling off.
Some cool tools and helpers:
1. Easychild.com - this is software that makes it easy to use your computer to create a structured behavorial modification plan. Consider it a high tech "star chart." The two of you work together to set her goals and determine her rewards, then track it (visual tools are very useful for small kids which is why almost every elementary classroom uses some sort of behavior chart). This program is very highly regarded and used in a professional capacity too.
2. Another book, actually a workbook, but I still sometimes turn to it and my kids range from 11-19!
"Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need!" by Elizabeth Crary and Pati Casebolt
Kids really do respond well to being a contributing and responsible part of the family, and in the process learn important life skills.
3. Any parenting book by John Rosemond. They can be tough to find in stores, but no problem at Amazon.com. I like his approach because it is parent-centered, common sense, firm and loving all at the same time.
Beyond that, make sure you make plenty of time to play together, read and just have fun. Even doing chores together can be very special in your relationship. Watch your temper, because the number one way kids learn is by watching other people, most notably their parents so anything you do may well be copied!
If all this isn't a big help, it may be worth your time to see a child or family therapist for an evaluation and more help.
|
|
|
| |
