Awww geez, I think you have the right to hold your head up right now. I've finally decided that everyone around me probably has a similar dialog going on in thier heads about something and has no time to tune into mine. lol.
Christie
REBECKAK 6/6/06 11:15 A
You aren't kidding about the magnitude of the negative self talk. The reason I actually wrote all that down, was to mentally see what i was doing to myself.
My actual point was that it is ridiculous to have to walk through Target wondering if people will see you. The experience was an epiphany to me. I used to be a VERY confident person. My dad once told me that when I was in highschool, that he never worried about me. i looked like the kind of person who could take care of herself. I had an air of confidence about me that made people know...I was not the person to mess with. it had nothing to do with my size, just who I was.
The Target experience was for me, like what some people expereince when they look in the mirror or at a photograph and see their true size. It was a mirror to me. A picture of what my self-confidence looks like.
So, like some people look in a mirror and decide to go on a diet. i looked at my mirror, and decided I HAVE to do something about my confidence.
I should have put all this in my original post to make it more clear. LOL, I just assumed my purpose would be understood.
What I was trying to say: albeit with a long drawn out wordy story, was that I needed a new goal. To hold my head up in public. that is my new mini goal.
After that, I will deal with some self talk issues. First, I want to hold my head up.
BUFFEDSTUFF 6/6/06 10:54 A
You have to do something about that self esteem problem . women of the world get this through your head, your value is not in your size. Are you loving? caring? compassionate? kind? Only shallow people care about your size. the rest of us just want loyal friends, kind neighbors, wonderful co-workers, amazing lover etc no matter how big or how small. So the next time you are in Target you might want to say his prayer. "Lord help me to love me and to accept me and to see my true value and to realize that I am so much more than the numbers on a scale." I hope you lose the weight but even more so I hope you lose the negative self image I wish you peace now go out and love the real you.
JILLIANWOLF 6/6/06 9:52 A
Ack, the negative self talk can kill ya. Try to be kind to yourself!
KRIS321 6/6/06 9:37 A
I enjoyed your post - I have found myself "talking to me" lately and it has been really negative. More like the imaginary audience issue ... "they are looking at my big butt", "I look pregnant in this top - I hope someone doesn't ask me when I'm due..."
I decided after reading your post that I am going to switch that thinking with a pep talk once a day. I do a LOT of driving and maybe that's a good time for it. Thanks for your post - it made me really address the mind-stuff of my self image.
LASTRESORT2 6/6/06 9:23 A
hats off to you...you stuck it out! So many times I feel the same way when I put healthy food on the check out counter especially when the clerk is this 110 pound cutie. I am always afraid of the thoughts going through their heads....look at the fat mama trying to be something she's not...your story gave me both encouragement and a good laugh...thanks
REBECKAK 6/6/06 9:10 A
Ok, so last night I went to Target. I need to work out and I have nothing at home. So, I went to buy some equipment and a video (you know, to help the ever booming fitness economy).
I loaded up my cart with two 3 lb dumbells (who decided they were dumb? and how did the word bell get added? They look nothing like a bell to me...), a resistence cord, an exercise ball, and a Walk Away The Pounds DVD.
As I work my way through the store I start to wonder how I look. A 200 pound fatty loading up her cart with fitness stuff. What are people thinking as they pass me? "Sheesh, another person with no self-will", "she'll probably fail" "haha, I have all that stuff at home, what a scam."
Just the thought of their thoughts humiliated me. I almost turned to put everything back. After-all, I have heard gallon milk jugs make great weights. However, I decided to stick it out. If I gave up now, before I even got started...what would that say about me?
So I hung my head in the shame of my fat body and I began a mantra type prayer. "God, don't let the casheir notice what's in my cart. Don't let him say anything to me." I had worked myself up into a frenzy. I just KNEW that if people saw what was in my cart, that they would automatically look at me. And I didn't want them to look at me.
I found a line that had no one in it. (Still silently keeping up my prayer, "God please don't let him notice me.). a young man began to process my purchace...
man: So, you are starting a home gym huh? me: Ummm. yeah (in my head: ok, God, thanks A LOT) man: You have some good stuff here. me: (raising my very red face for the first time) I do? man: yeah, this is what everyone needs to get started. I am getting ready to upgrade my home gym soon. me: (cause I didn't really know what to say) really? him: Yep.
and then he bagged my stuff and I left.
The whole experience was humiliting to me. I have spent the last several years trying not to be noticed, and a fat lady's cart full of fitness supplies was bound to get noticed.
However, although l left with beet red , I also left with a bit more self confidence. Someone spoke to me, not as a fat lady who was going to fail, but as a peer who was seeking to better themselves. Also, I had faced a fear, got noticed for it, and it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be.
I post this here because I thought the whole situation was both humerous and interesting. I can't believe my self-confidence is so shot that a purchase at target had me praying to not be noticed.
