A really nice girl named Raiha replied to me in the "overweight children" forum...however, she ended up emailing me to an account my dad goes through, so I forwarded her email to another account of mine and deleted her email in my other account and in the process of replying...I realized I lost her email address. So yeah, I decided I would just post my reply here in hopes that she sees it. Others are welcome to read too. It's all about my worries. :/
Hi Raiha,
Sorry I didn't get back sooner, I appreciate your taking the time to reading my posts/entries. :o)
I've sort of just distanced myself from the guy in my diary entry...I'm physically attracted to him, but whatever emotional connection I had, it went away when he mentioned my weight. It's an 'open relationship' of sorts, but really I'm just too cowardly to break up with him.
I haven't lost that much, but just getting to the gym everyday has made me feel better about life. And while I'm not entirely happy with how I look, I'm happy with how I'm handling it.
I got my semester grades yesterday...failed a class for the first time in my life. It wasn't a total shock to me...I hadn't done the work like I should have. Mainly because I was too focused on my weight issues I think.
I've always been a good student so at first my newly lowered GPA made me cry, but when walking to the gym...I felt in control. I know I'll have to retake the class, but if I can somehow find my focus in school again and still keep up with my weight issues in a healthy manner...I'd be set.
I guess in all honesty, more than support for my weight loss, I need support for all my emotional issues. I'm a slighty emotional eater...I can usually avoid it, but if I do start....boy do I good job of overeating. :/
So yeah, I guess this email is more for myself than for you, but it's somewhat nice to know I'm actually talking to someone. Here's a basic list of all my worries.
1) I'm an electrical and computer engineer. I'm a sophomore at Cornell University and I know that I'm not going to do incredibly well at this major. Granted, I don't think I'll fail any more classes (I've learned the consequences of procrastination all too well), I'm not going to have a great GPA. So I worry about things like grad school or getting a job. My dad wants me to change majors...but I don't really want to. Eventhough I think I might like another major (civil engineering in particular) more...I'm too drawn to this major because of A) The people I've met in my classes...I've grown attatched to them. I look forward to working with them (maybe one guy in particular) next semester. B) There aren't that many females here, I want to show that females are perfectly capable of this major. C) I don't really wish to stay another year in college, or even another half-semester. I'd like to think all the time and thought I spent in my ECE (electrical and computer engineering) classes were worth something... But are these the right reasons to stay in a major? When I know I will mentally enjoy and struggle less in another major? I really don't know. I wish I had answers for this issue.
2) My entire life I have worried about my academic future and guys. I worry that maybe my thoughts about guys clouds my judgement on my academic future. I like to tell myself I'm just a normal healthy girl...just barely getting out of her teen years. And it's okay to stress and wonder if the guy I like, likes me back, or to take that extra time to make sure I look nice for him or go a different route to hopefully run into him? I don't know if this affects me academically. I know that when the guy I was dating brought up my weight to me...I reacted like I do to most of my problems. I put my 100% into the things I know I'm capable of. And that meant going to the gym for hours everyday....and for some off reason, I just didn't do my work. I don't know why. I just didn't have that focus...I was too worried about other things. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen again next semester.
3) My parents. I'm always on a rollercoaster with them. I love them very much, but they don't understand me (how many time do you hear that?) For example, when I applied to college, I had a choice between Northwestern, Cornell, and Johns Hopkins. My mom wanted me to go to Johns Hopkins to study medicine. I said no quite vehmently. I can usually reason with my mom. She was sad that I chose not to be a doctor (all Indian parents want their kids to be doctors, psh), but she understood I wouldn't enjoy it and let me be. I knew I wanted to be an engineer. I still know I want to be an engineer. It's the type of engineer that I'm not sure about. And when applying to college, I took my Dad's wishes. He wanted me to be ECE, and so I became ECE. While I chose Cornell for myself, I really didn't choose my major for myself. Circuits had been the thing (next to English) that I struggled with most in high school so it didn't make sense for me to become and ECE major...but I did anyhow. My dad tells me that he pushed me to be ECE because it's the most mathematical branch in engineering and I'm very good at math. While he was correct about those things, I wish I had listened to myself instead of him. When I tell him this now, he insists nothing is his fault. My father is very difficult to reason with. So yeah, I stress that I used to be the sort of girl that always tried to please her father and now I know the things he wants most from me...they aren't going to happen. And it hurts to know that I will always be a dissapointment to him eventhough I'm really not that dissapointed in myself. For example, yes, I'm upset I failed a class. I mean hello, I used to have a 3.8 GPA! But I understand that I brought it on myself. I know I can do better. Maybe not excellent, but better. But after any conversation I have with my Dad, I'm left feeling really down about myself and life. And while I don't want to just cut my Dad out of my life, I wish he'd just accept who I was. It'd make things alot easier.
So yeah. I'm an emotional wreck...tell me about you? :o)
