Hi, TheSpookyOne. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My teen is the same age as yours with many of the same problems. He used to be very loving, but now it's almost as if I only exist when he needs money or a ride somewhere. He's not cutting, thank goodness, but his grades are awful. He's not Goth, but "emo." Still looks like Goth to me. It's hard to understand them. Even harder not to be frustrated all of the time. My son is starting therepy in a couple of weeks for depression.
CHRISTINA_CSR 9/7/06 12:49 A
Hi THESPOOKYONE,
Yes, you totally understand the cutting! That is exactly how my stepdaughter explained it to me. She was doing it, and stopped for awhile, then did it around Christmas time, then stopped. I think she has finally quit it, because she is wearing shortsleeves (I should have known something was up last summer, because ALL last summer she wore her long sleeved sweater ALWAYS, plus she was not talking just mad/mopey). She used to use a safety pin, or something like that and thought it looked cool (she says she never did it at our house, but I don't know), kind of giving herself her own tattoo or markings (she wrote that guy's name on her belly - lucky it faded). She said she stopped in February, during the summer she said "that" was all just stupid stuff. I think she is valuing herself more, and I try to give her the attention she needs, and to ALWAYS keep my promises, no matter how small or mundane they may be (if I say I'll play cards later, I do it). She seems to do okay if we sit and talk, me at the computer or TV, so it looks like I am busy and not in her business.
I read somewhere, and I said this once and alot of people commented agreeing: Boys are different from girls, in that it is easier to have a conversation with a boy if you are doing another physical activity such a walking, biking, sports, making models, etc. Because they are active and creative with their bodies, their minds seem to be more open for conversation.
Maybe you could have a family meeting and sit at the table and talk. Or clear the air about some things that maybe you (or your husband) can apologize for (to make him feel important), while saying things you would like him to work on. Maybe set up a family chart of rules or tasks, that will be started to get everyone involved in helping each other. Something like that. I wouldn't mension the myspace except to end priveledges on the computer till grades improve.
You have your hands full, but maybe if he knew from you how much you need him to help out now that dad is going away, he might feel more important to the family. It is good that he loves your youngest, that really helps the cohesiveness of the family. I don't know if I have been of much help, but with my stepdaughters, we always put family togetherness first, and that seemed to make them think before doing some craziness. Corse these girls are pretty tame, but the 14 yr old is really going to step up to the "teenager battitude attitude", hopefully toward her mother not me.
THESPOOKYONE 9/6/06 9:41 A
Ya know I do understand the cutting.. It is like you are in control.. I did not do it like he is.. Maybe it was different for me... I would drag a razor across my wrist.. it would leave a small blood trail.. I would think.. Just a bit deeper... Should I... but what would my mom and dad think... they would be so hurt... but then they woudl know how I feel.. I was so so sad... I felt like I had nothing... nobody.... just alone!!!! Oh my gosh I hope Bran does not feel like that... He has a ton of friends... he is so loved... and he knows it!!!
He signed on to his myspace to talk to friends it froz up and He went up stairs... later I got on to my page... I wanted to see If I had mail.. It pulled up his account.... SO I looked it over... he said he smoked... was going to quit... he said something about weed... being out and needing more... I just wanted to cry....
My hubby is leaving on monday... and will be gone for almost 2 months.. I dont know what to do or think...
I never drank... or did drugs... I just feel like I am loosing my son.... I told him the other day That I just dont want him to f*** up his life... and drinking, smoking, drugs.. it will.... he was like I told you I quit smoking....
He tell's his freind stuff.... just for shock value... I dont know if he is just saying all this crap.... or not....
CHRISTINA_CSR 9/4/06 2:09 P
Hi All, Just to show you that things change on a dime: My sister visited for the day with her VERY spoiled and bratty 9yr old daughter (4th grade now). She brought her friend, who is younger and doesn't mind being picked on. Well, my almost 7yr old daughter couldn't wait to spend time with her cousin, since we haven't seen them since last summer, and they live 20 min away. Well, my daughter picked up all the badness that the counsin was like, pinching, name-calling, sassy-mouth, etc. and I let it go because my sister is hurt when I dicipline her child or my child for copying her child's bad behavior.
WELL, my stepdaughter talked to be for several hours about how bad the cousin is, and what a bad influence she is on my babygirl. She was like trying to watch out for her little sister, and was so conserned. She was very upset with the whole visit, and its affect on my babygirl! This is GREAT considering the stuff we have been discussing below (past post). We also talked about guys some more (endlessly), the first week of high school, and the kids and who to be friends with, etc., till like 3:30am.
This shows that a lot of talk is good, and lots of validation of hurt feelings and trying to understand, keeps communication alive. As long as we have talking, even if it is some yelling followed by more talking, that is when we still have some influence in these teen's lives. My stepdaughter may have depression, but I think most teens do, and her mother is a complete recluse with no friends, so it is hard for her to make friends if her mother is lame at it. She doesn't really value friends, like normal people, because they are like things - once she has one she treats them bad because she thinks they are loyal to her now, because she is to them. Very strange dynamics the kids have today.
By the way, that cutting becomes a habit, and it is VERY HARD to break. It is something that only the teen understands, unless you used to do it. It is really them focusing on control over their bodies and wanting to feel. Sometimes it is them punishing themselves to show they control themselves, and sometimes they think it is cool looking? All this stuff is mixed together and that is why it is so hard to stop. Similar to stopping eating, when we start to sample chips, or get candy and think its just this box, like that. The control of oneselves indulgences and the right to those indulgences. Add all the harmones pumping through their system, and maybe some mental issues if you want to go there, and that is alot of stuff a teen has to go through.
ONLYGIRL 9/4/06 12:46 P
Hi all! I have three "boys". Stepson age 20 who is disabled, so it's like 20 going on 13 only with all the legal rights as any other 20 yo. Then I have a 17 yo and 15 yo. There are times with the two younger ones when I want to ring their necks, but all in all they are good kids. The eldest one tho he is another story! Yesterday, my 17 yo went into the garage to get something from the freezer and found that my 20 yo and his GF were asleep in the finished part of the garage (we all it the apartment). When my 15 yo got up we found out from him that one of the friends and HIS GF were in my sons room! They tried to tell my husband that they were just too tired to go home at 2am-- yeah, so then why weren't the guys in one place and the girls in another? Of course it just happens that one of the girls fathers is friends with my husband--- Any way, All these "kids are 19-21 and all have disabilities. It is sooooo very hard to when they think they know it all (like most kids their ages) and they don't even have a clue how little they know. I cold go on and on and on-but I get the feeling many of you have a good idea what I am talking about!
THESPOOKYONE 9/4/06 12:16 A
Hi CHRISTINA Goodness we have our hands full hu!!!!
Well.. we are talking a bit.. but it comes and goes.. He will be fine one min and just yeck the next.. I wonder about bi polar.. I was told I had it... I was on meds.. but to have Josh.. I got off all my pill's and dr's and Got off the darn depo shot and That realllly made me feel 100% better!!!!
but Now I have my days... I wonder what is going on... He is moody... He did the cutting thing.. He was talking to councler in school for a while.. I have no clue what about.. they never told me... I told him I would have him to go see a dr to talk to.. He was alll pissed and got sooo mad....
We try to give Brandon as much attention as we can being that Josh is getting so much right now... My mom and dad are always sooo great at asking Josh if his Big Brother knows how good looking he is.. and IF he is lucky maybe Josh will grow up to be as handsome as Bran is...
Brandon seems to reallly love Josh... He is sooo great with him... It is so cute!!!!
I dont want him to do anything dumb... but I guess we will see...
Hubby will be leaving next week for a job... He wont be back for almost 2 months.. he does call.... but still.... It will be interesting!!!
CHRISTINA_CSR 9/3/06 4:27 P
Hi THESPOOKYONE, My stepdaughter starts her freshman year this year and she turned 14 last April. She has gone through a funk, similar to what you have addressed. She got real quite at 12 and didn't say much to anyone and was angry all the time. I didn't really know how to reach her because I'm not her mother, but it seems she depends more on me for her guidance. She came out of the funk after she bragged to her friends what she was doing, and they told the school who told her mother. Not enough dicipline came out of it, but since her mother did the dicipline, we do the talking. I think that helps her the most.
Okay, she was talking on the phone with a 32 year old man. She met him on a phonechat that she saw on latenight TV. Because of this: 1.) She started cutting because she hated herself for being bad, and so she could feel punishment (or just feel) 2.) She alienated herself from friends and family 3.) She crossed the border of phonesex so that she can't enjoy the romance of "when will I have my first kiss" 4.) She is more comfortable talking to men then boys (she feels the men are responsible, not her)but she only talks to men on the phone, and in her head. 5.) She has betrayed trust, and now wonders why no one can trust her. 6.) She has started to talk about possibly smoking, and that she would never let addiction happen. 7.) All this goes on and on
Her grades have not suffered,yet, and she doesn't do Goth because her older sister is into that. She has just spoiled her youth, and she knows this, and regrets it but still doesn't care. She is really teetering on the edge.
I don't know how to reach your son, because he is not talking to you. Take away the myspace, that is for sure, and computer privaleges, or have all that he is doing come to your computer so he knows that you will see what he sees. His father is really the one that might be able to reach him. And alot of family activities together, with no remarks about style, choices, and lots of praise when the least chore or interaction happens. No dating. I know Kimberly wants to start dating, and if she ever got with that man, BOY would we have problems!!! Thank goodness those kids at school were looking out for her, because it could have happened. We still talk about this guy, and she is aware of the molesters out there, but of course he would have been different.
The world is a scary place for kids now adays. Good luck with your boy, and unite as a family.
THESPOOKYONE 8/28/06 5:47 P
Not sure if I fit in.. Have not read all yet...
My son is 14... will be 15 IF he makes it to Feb...
He is a freshman this year... he was honor roll for a while last year... started to date... then broke up... started to date another girl I liked that one.... she was sort of Goth... his homework went bye bye... and grades went D's and f's used F word a ton... started to get on line a ton and just did not care a buch about what he used to... got into a ton of junk and stuff took stuff and cutting himself... the broke up and end of school.. still talk on phone... but now I find out he might be smoking... I am so sad.... He wont tell me the truth about stuff wont hardly talk to me...
We used to be all huggie and stuff now he is like F off and go away.... I am so sad....
I looked up his myspace not my fault he left it loged on my puter... but that is what ia good mom should do hu... I care that is why I am nosie... I need to know what he is up to.. let him know I care... I think he knows I would die for him.. but now I found Porn on his puter and I am just beside myself... and Hubby will be leaving in a few weeks.. SO much for my diet...
by the way.. I am terri.... Nice to meet you all!! I am a nice person who has so far lost some weight... trying to drop some more!!! feels good to have to hike up the pants cuz they are too big!!!!
MOMCLP 8/25/06 9:11 A
That's a terrific story, sometimes kids can really tell it like it is. My son is doing a lot better than the last time that I posted here. He is 14, and had been having trouble with depression and anger. I am getting him some medical help for this, and since we got back from vacation, he's had a better attitude. What scares me is when school starts, will the same problems as last year start up? I really hate it that certain bullies at school have to mess things up for kids that are more sensative than others. But I guess there are bullies in the adult world too.
CATHARINE3 8/24/06 9:06 A
Hi all, i have two very different teens, my daughter is almost 17 she is very much like every other teen but unfortunately she has a mental illness (going to treatment finally this week hopefully).
My son is a very special 15 year old, he is very much a teenager, likes to keep things his way, very mouthy at times, and he is striving for independance but he is also the sweetest kid I know.
I want to share this story, it makes me smile each time.
For almost 1 week since my daughter came back from not being home for almost a year, and causing a very stressful weekend, I was not being very motivated.
My son comes in to the living room where I was just lounging around, he says mom, I need to go for a walk, and I need you to come with me (we have been walking buddies for almost two months), and he puts my shoes on the floor, I look up into his face, and first hes very concerned but also a very serious and stern look on his face. He says to me, If you dont take care of yourself, than whos going to take care of me? I got up, put my shoes on, we went for a walk. He was making me laugh so much, that helped, when we were coming back on the way home, he turns me and says remember "if mommas not happy, nobody is happy"
I smiled and thanked him because I dont know what I would do if I didnt have him, he is so special, and such a good kid and he is absolutely right.
VIKIRAE 8/23/06 10:19 P
Hi ya all, new girl here. I was just browsing the topics and was excited to find one about the T word. Christina I too have a stepdaughter who's taller and bustier than me and with the same kind of developmental issues. She too would like to fit into the Paris clothes but will never do it. I explain to my girl about different body types and no matter how much weight she looses she will never be that shape. You can search the web for "somatotypes" and it will explain it better. She really gets that now and is more accepting of her shape/size. As you do I struggle to get her moving, she doesn't live with us which is frustrating because she gets keen to do things then goes back to her old habits. I have bought her a pedometer though and have given her bonuses for getting a certain distance...she can rack up some miles by going through the mall too..good luck!! Moving on... We have had my stepson living with us, man he makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes. He seems to think he should be able to have his girlfriend in his bed with him and gets mad when I make her get out. He's JUST 16-it does my head in. I live in NZ and the law is they can have sex at 16. However that's the problem, what the law allows and what I allow are 2 very different things.
SHAWNATONY 7/19/06 7:22 A
Anytime Donna :)
DONNAK05 7/19/06 4:23 A
Thanks everyone for your posts and supportive advice and info. I'm taking it day by day and trying to stay very positive. I am trying not to say anything negative about the boyfriend because I know it hurts her. Its just very hard watching her struggle and a nervous wreck with him. He is very good at controlling her and instilling into her head that he is the best for her and that her family does nothing for her. I know that is his way of controlling her. I can't get through to her that her family is the support system and has always been there for her. I just hope all her family values and morales that she was raised with are still stuck in her head. She has always been a great kid until she met this boyfriend. I'm just afraid of the dangerous situations she could be in and some of the decisions she has to make.
Again, thanks everyone for your help and advice. Its great to have a place like this to come to vent and to also help others out.
I'm thinking and praying for all of you here who also have problems and struggles.
Thanks
Donna
MYNDIL 7/18/06 2:17 P
Ummm! Well I didnt do that bad when i was a teen. Wow!!
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/18/06 1:39 P
Hi DonnaK05, I feel for your situation with your daughter and dealing with her boyfriend. I don't have as much control as you do because my stepdaughter(s) can retreat to the comfort of no rules at their mother's house. If I could, I would still keep her close with embrasing her boyfriend as a future part of the family, eating dinners together, and conversation about adult topics, such as how the job market is and such. I agree with IM-LOSIN-IT, that the boyfriend is a way of showing independence, I know that is what I did as a teenager, 25+ years ago. Plus, wanting to see how others are like, from families not like ours is tempting. Can you socialize with his parents? Have a family BBQ? The more you act like you aren't bothered by the boy, the more your daughter will re-examine her feelings about him and why she cares for him. Definitely have her working, if she has to spend her money all the time on him, that relationship won't last long. Im-LOSIN_IT is totally RIGHT ON for how to deal. My eldest stepdaughter (21) started dating, and we met her first "boyfriend". She talked to me all the time about how that was going. When he screened her calls, she broke up with him and started dating his friend, who we haven't met. Once thier relationship became "possibly heavy" she stopped talking to me, and says I am in her business. This was when she was 18 and now she is 21. I think she is still dating him, but I know she knows that he is not going to go over well with her father and me, so we still have not met him and she says he is just a friend. At 18, when she decided she didn't want to come over on the weekends, I sat her down and gave her "the talk", and a medical card so she can take care of her business. That is the best I can do, and wait for her to want to share. We still have a great relationship, we just don't know anything about her except her work and school issues. She is a great girl, and is going to college to be a first grade teacher, but she has a lot of secrets (or else she is very boring). Now, my other stepdaughter (14) is a wild card. UPDATE: right now she says she DOESN"T want to have sex EVER. She is in a health class over the summer, and I guess they showed her what a man's manliness looks like! She is totally freaked out and wants to know why it has to be so "UGH, I just can't go there" is somewhat what she said. I think we are safe for now, plus we have been talking about all the STDs that are out there, thanks to this health class (at a catholic high school?) Now I know what my mother went through!
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/18/06 10:41 A
Welcome Donnak05 ~
The last teenage years are definitely the hardest to get through...in my opinion anyway. Besides the regular independence stuff that is hard to come to terms with, it has been an emotional time for both my husband and I because we did everything with our son 24/7 and we all had a blast and now he wants more time away from home. What's with that? :)lol My husband and I decided last night that infertility has turned out to be a good thing because we wouldn't make it through more than one teenager. :)
I was just reading in the new issue of family Circle that kids sometimes date the opposite of what you want to help them gain independence. And everything that I've been reading tells parents not to say anything negative about the offensive boyfriend/girlfriend because you will cause your teen to become protective and rebellious of them. It all has to do with them gaining that independence.
We had conflict with my son over his girlfriend in the beginning because her family was opposite of ours and mixed in there was him suddenly wanting that independence. Now we've gotten to know her a little better and she's also coming to church with us every week. She has no rules and my son has rules, but both are working with our rules and everything is settling down again. I actually like his girlfriend now. :)
Well Donnak05, you definitely have it harder than usual, but just keep being there for your daughter and really push college. Have her get a job, too. If she's working and going to school she'll be able to see on her own that her boyfriend is a lazy bum and also have less time to spend with him.
Every mom of a teen that I know gets that pit in their stomachs at one time or another. That's when we really have to pray even harder. And one thing everyone tells me is that I'm going to live through this. :)
Tracy
SHAWNATONY 7/18/06 9:24 A
your very welcome! teenagers- so funloving and yet hearbreaking!! :)
DONNAK05 7/18/06 8:25 A
Thanks for the supportive words. I'm thinking about all of you out there with problems with your kids. I hope everyone comes through everything okay.
SHAWNATONY 7/18/06 7:22 A
Good morning.. Sorry to hear what your going thru-ugg. I cant imagine the issues with "girls"as my boys are teens , daughter still 11..so I have not been in this situation,or the heartache ones yet with any of my kids..but stick to your guns and let her be mad at you. She will get thru. - IN my prayers!!!
DONNAK05 7/18/06 5:02 A
I am so glad that I came to this message board. I didn't even know it was here until this morning. I was feeling really down about my 17 year old daughter. She is a smart girl on the honor roll, an athlete that could have a scholarship to a college in lacrosse but she has this loser boyfriend who she thinks is just wonderful. She is not the same kid when she is around him. He is abusive verbally to her and controlling. I'm at wits end and don't know what to do. My kids have been raised all around high family morales and we always did everything as a family. Now she wants to turn her back on her family because she thinks we are all wrong and that this boyfriend is just wondeful. He has a criminal record and does not work and quit high school. I can't get through to her.
I was feeling really down this morning but found this site and saw all your postings. I guess we are all in the same boat with that big pit in our stomach. I hope and pray we all get through this.
SHAWNATONY 7/17/06 10:18 P
Just checking in to say hi to everyone!
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/14/06 11:03 A
SHAWNATONY ~ Thanks! I've added you to my friends, too. My son corrects us when we're driving and it makes me laugh! Most of the time I let him drive because then it's like having my own cheap chauffeur. :)
CHRISTINA_CSR ~ That's really awesome that God used your 6 year old to bring you back to church!
SHAWNATONY 7/14/06 6:58 A
Good deal on the driving! I know my son drives alot and but now he corrects me when I drive! :) Hey you are great to talk to!! thanks!!!adding u 2 my friends!
SHAWNATONY 7/14/06 6:54 A
Hey there! In regard to adopted-I was adopted and I can tell you that my personality is sooo different than my mom and dad. And when I met my birth mom when I was 23, although we had never met, we had zillion things in common and beyond the physical it was little things like, favorite TV shows-food-hobby and even down to a favorite car, a 71 chevy nova! and she had one- how neat huh! and we both hated the color orange.. so just weierd. So I know what your saying there-congrats on meeeting your daughgter! That must of been a wonderful day!
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/14/06 2:06 A
Gosh, you gals are such sweet moms. And to know your teens so well, its so moving and encouraging. My 6yr old daughter asked me to start taking her to church, and we go every Sunday. I knew she would be the one to lead me back. My husband and my stepdaughter won't go, although I hope that they may come around one day. My stepdaughter went to a Lutheran school and is going to a Catholic High School. I am glad because if she went to public school she would be headed for a lot of trouble soon. I'm hoping the school keeps her in line with rules, and we talk. I did not like the Lutheran school or the pastor there, and she has not learned the power of worship. I sure hope that my young one and I stay close, and I know that us sharing church adds a special bond between us. Before I had my daughter, I thought being a stepmom could equate to another mom. Now I know the difference between blood and not. I love my stepdaughters very much, that doesn't change, but they aren't like me, and they have their own way of thinking. I wonder if adopted parents might feel the similar frustrations. I also have my oldest daughter, that my mother made me give up, and we know each other as of last year. We are so much alike, and she shares the same values. It is a dream realized, she is just like me yet I did not raise her. She is a Baptist Minister and is doing internship at a hospital to be a hospital chaplin to council terminally ill patients. God works in mysterious ways.
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/13/06 11:46 P
We've already gone through the driving thing. My son had logged in a massive amount of miles with his permit that by the time he got his license I wasn't too upset about it. I know what you mean about letting them lose in the world...but that's were the prayer has really helped me. :)
I don't like the breaking away part so much. That's been really hard but we're going to make it. :)
SHAWNATONY 7/13/06 8:11 P
oh yes-familar with the site- listen to him alot of mornings on our station here(dobson). Im very blessed that all 3 of my kids are on the 'right' track. They are never disrespectful, they love to be with us(so far) and because we are soo close its so hard for me, with my oldest, who will be driving in just few weeks-all by himself and he will have this world of independance- and I just want him to take it slow.Of Course he is a teen, so he kinda thinks I worry too much, but so far he has all my trust in the world, so I just have to give him the freedom and keep praying- LOL.. and its hard on the heart to a bit to see your kids start to grow up(exciting too but..) in the same.. when he decides on a friday night to go out with some friends rather than with the rest of us to a movie.. ahh, that will be hard- But I know it needs to happen :) You know how people say you cant belive you you just instanly fall in love with them when they are born, and that you never thought you could love someone so much?? I tell you when they get to the teens15/16) and start breaeaking away- the love you have is the just like that.. I never knew this part would be like this!! LOL.. thanks for the kinds words! ( Always nice to hear!!
