1. I think my biggest joys are that you begin to be able to talk to your teens as young adults. It helps so much to keep me feeling young and I think it helps my teens to strive towards maturity. The challenges would be them taking some of that new-found maturity to inappropriate levels. When my 14 year old thinks she has a "right" to go to the mall, the movies, friends, etc. whenever she wants and for as long as she thinks is necessary because "she should be able to since she hasn't done anything wrong and we should trust her" 2. The "trust" and being able to do anything they want. They have also started to think that school doesn't really matter as much anymore and they don't try as hard. They tune us out when we try to tell them that for the first time ever, it really does matter. The grades they are getting could affect them for the rest of their lives. 3. We always tell the kids that they have a right to talk to us. But, if they develop an attitude and begin to raise their voices or get rude, we are done and they need to stop. If they haven't gotten their answer yet, it's too bad for them. I also won't allow them to interupt me. If they want me to listen to them, they must listen to my replies and wishes. So, again if they interupt, I'm done. 4. I'm torn on this. I was one of those teens. My first husband was 16 and I was 15 1/2 when we started dating. We dated for three years before getting married and were married for 17 years before our divorce was final. My ex was a very emotionally controlling person and it took awhile for him to get good at it and for me to notice it. So, I don't necessarily think a young, steady relationship is bad. I think we would still be married if he hadn't become so controlling (which I think was his insecurities coming out). But, it definately is a challenge - as many of us know it can be at any age. My husband and I tell the kids not to get married until they are 25 (we say this somewhat jokingly and somewhat seriously). We want them to know who they are before they enter into marraige and parenthood. We just limit the dating. No single dates until they are 16 and then only occasionally. 5. It really helps them understand what money is about. My 16 year old doesn't have a job yet and he knows I want him to find one. I have six children and they need to understand that money must be earned. It truly doesn't grow on trees. 6. I have teens and young children so I have quite a range. I just never expected the "talking back" that my teens try to pull on me.. 7. I encourage my teens to have friends. My kids know how we feel about "teen issues" and there is enough respect/trust on both sides to consider our choices. If my teens and their friends are here, I know they are safe, right? 8. Do you feel that your teen respects your decisions? Why or why not? My 16 year old is more repsectful of my decisions than my 14 year old. My 14 year old (girl) is a cheerleader and she has quite an attitude. She likes to tell us that our feelings are "stupid" or that we are being "silly" and that we should "trust her". Well, the more she tries to convices us the more we wonder what she's trying to hide. Which just makes her think we're being "stupid" even more. Oh well, she'll outgrow 14 someday. 9. I don't really know but I do think that society has made sure that teens know how stressful things can be so they go out into the world "somewhat stressed out". I didn't know I should be stressed out so I was just a teen. 10.They will keep getting older and will outgrow the teenage years. My 19 year old son and 21 year old niece are so sweet to me. They call me (almost daily) just because they love me and were thinking of me. So, it does get better. And, I should know because I have two in their "active" teens and three more young girls to go.
TRALYNNIE 4/4/06 9:16 P
Wow! Thanks so much for all of your responses.. it will be much easier to do my project now!
You ladies are wonderful!
NANNER60 4/4/06 1:43 P
This is indeed difficult. Since I have an only child I will give my perspective.
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges, in parenting teens? The biggest joy is indeed watching her start to become a resonsible young adult proving that we at least did something right. The challenge is letting go and allwoing her to make some of her own mistakes. 2. What types of disputes do you experience with your teen? Attitude, especially since she started driving. Sometimes dress and just the whole know it all thing. 3. What coping mechanisms do you use to deal with these disputes? Cooling off is alwasy necessary, we have to remind her that we are the parents and taking away privilages if needed. 4. What are your feelings about your teen getting into steady romantic relationships? I really do not have a problem with it. I make the sure the boy always comes in and try to get to know him pretty well. I also am very blunt and tell him how it is. What guidelines or rules will you (or have you) established? we always have a curfew. No going out on weeknights. If grades start to slip, no going out. Must always come to door to pick her up. Our daughter has been taught over and over about sex and we discuss it openly. She has been told that ultimatly it is her choice, but has learned all the things that can happen, Prgnancy, STD's, emotional turmoil and that if she can't use self control to use birth control. 5. What are your feelings about your teen and part-time work? You drive, you work to pay for the insurance and gas, except during marching season or whenever it interferes with school. 6. What types of changes have your experienced as a result of parenting a teen? again, letting go. it is hard to let them make mistakes when you are programmed to protect. Letting her hate me for a while when she does not get her way, especially when it is to go somewhere. 7. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens? I think they are a pretty good bunch. I have learned not to judge them by the way they look. As iwth the boyfriends, get to know them. Do you have guidelines or expectancies that you share with your teen regarding their friends? 8. Do you feel that your teen respects your decisions? Why or why not? Most of the time, because she knows that we have her best interests at heart. Even when a teen will not admit it, they sometimes appreciate limits. 9. Do you feel that being a teen is more or less stressful than your own teen experience? Way more stressful. Thee is more pressure to have sex and the intimacy has been removed. There are more drugs out there,the internet can be dangerous and there seems to be more pressure to have all the right "things". 10. What words of advice would you give to an individual just starting to parent a teen? Know which battles to fight. Some things are just not worth it. Dig up all the patience you can find. Communicate and listen,listen,listen. Every day hug your teen, tell them you are proud of them even when they pull away from you.
STEANN 4/4/06 12:49 P
This is difficult - I think the answers vary based on whether your teen is younger or older.
Mine are 15 and 18. My approach to parenting them has changed at least three times as my oldest has aged.
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges, in parenting teens? Well, it's fun when they can finally talk to you in a relatively adult manner. It is challenging when they decide to run their own lives - my 15 year old goes round and round with analyzing every decision I make and my oldest is marrying his 16 year old girlfriend.
2. What types of disputes do you experience with your teen? Mostly when I make a decision directly regarding their lives that they don't like.
3. What coping mechanisms do you use to deal with these disputes? We walk away and cool off when the first person gets a sore throat. :)
4. What are your feelings about your teen getting into steady romantic relationships? Doesn't bother me.
What guidelines or rules will you (or have you) established? When they were younger (14, 15) I partially chaperoned them (since they required transportation). As they got older I loosened up. Overall I wasn't too strict about things. I was raised by a hippie. :)
5. What are your feelings about your teen and part-time work? If they can maintain their grades I'm OK with it.
6. What types of changes have your experienced as a result of parenting a teen? Grey hair, wrinkles, stress related acne.....oh. I have become less controlling....although I'm still having a problem with this marrying the girlfriend thing.
7. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens? Like some, dislike others.
Do you have guidelines or expectancies that you share with your teen regarding their friends? Not really. I did ban the kid who tried to set my house of fire, but I remember from my own teenage years that the harder anyone tried to step between me and my friends the tighter I clung. Unless we're talking criminal offenses I don't get involved.
8. Do you feel that your teen respects your decisions? Why or why not? Sometimes. Sometimes they argue to argue, sometimes they have a legitimate complaint and sometimes I'm flat wrong.
9. Do you feel that being a teen is more or less stressful than your own teen experience? About the same, but then I wasn't a very good teenager.
10. What words of advice would you give to an individual just starting to parent a teen? Find your happy place.
SLEEPYNAN 4/4/06 12:29 P
1. 1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges, in parenting teens?
Teens can be very enthusiastic. For the most part, they haven't been weighed down by cynicism. It translates into a "we can save the world" and "I'm indestructable." So, joy and challenge there.
2. What types of disputes do you experience with your teen?
Getting him to phone consistently when he won't be home for dinner.
3. What coping mechanisms do you use to deal with these disputes?
Pointed out that if he doesn't phone and he isn't home he won't be eating later. Mom does not run an all night diner.
4. What are your feelings about your teen getting into steady romantic relationships?
I'm not old enough!
Nah, I like to think he's learned a few good things about how to treat women from watching his step-father and me interact over the past 8 years. I think it's sweet.
What guidelines or rules will you (or have you) established?
If you do have sex, use a condom. Sex can be great, but between 2 people who really care about each other it can be magical.
5. What are your feelings about your teen and part-time work?
We encouraged it once he turned 16.
6. What types of changes have your experienced as a result of parenting a teen?
None - I still use the same general techniques now that I used when he was younger. Giving him the structure to stand upon, and as much freedom as he is capable of handling. I believe if you don't set the foundations as a parent when they are younger, there isn't much more you can do once they reach their teens.
7. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens? They're a good bunch.
Do you have guidelines or expectancies that you share with your teen regarding their friends?
No - he's shown pretty good judgement in that regard.
8. Do you feel that your teen respects your decisions? Why or why not? Yes - because he tells me.
9. Do you feel that being a teen is more or less stressful than your own teen experience?
In general -- I think more stressful.
10. What words of advice would you give to an individual just starting to parent a teen?
Breathe, and learn how to listen.
TRALYNNIE 4/4/06 11:19 A
Thank you for your response, it really helps! Now if I can only get a few more responses...
LEAHTOTS 4/3/06 9:11 P
I am the mom of 3 a 20 yr old girl 18 yr old boy and 15 yr old boy. I will try and answer your questions the best that I can.
1. I love my teens all of them. I think that the greatest joy is watching them grow into real nice young adults and making the right choices. 2.We don't really have many diputes, I would say the biggest one is the way they talk to each other. I don't always like what they say, but they say they are just playing. 3. They usually work it out, but I have to be honest, when it gets to me I yell. I don't like the fact that I yell, but I do. 4.I have raised my kids in church. The way I look at it is if they don't have their morals by now, then there isn't really anything more I can do. 5.My teens don't work. I feel that there job is there schooling and that's what they do. My 20 yr old does work but only about 8 hrs a week 6.I haven't had any real changes, we have always been open as a family, and also a family that does a lot together. 7.Again, I'm lucky my kids have made good choices when it comes to their friends. They will come over and just hang out watching tv with my husband and me. 8. I do feel that our kids respect our decisiond, that doesn't mean they always like them, but they do follow with whatever decision we have made. 9.I had a great teenage life, and I do think that my kids do to. I do think that sex is tuffer on them than it was when I grew up.That's when the good morals come in handy. 10. You always here that teenagers are so terrible. They are becoming to be who you have helped mold them into. In the early years stick to your guns and teach them morals and have good guide lines. In the later years if you did your job right, sit back and have fun with your teen.
Hope this helps
TRALYNNIE 4/3/06 5:44 P
Hey there. I have been on Spark for a while and thought that this might be a good place to get help with something other than just weight loss.
I am a college student who is trying to do a project for a class. For my Adolescent Psychology class, I need to get the input of parents.
I have to get answers to 10 different questions which I will list below.
If there are any that you don't want to answer, feel free to skip right over them.
But any help you could give is much appreciated! Here are the questions, and thanks in advance. If you have any questions, email me at taralg at gmail dot com with PROJECT in the subject line. Thanks!
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges, in parenting teens? 2. What types of disputes do you experience with your teen? 3. What coping mechanisms do you use to deal with these disputes? 4. What are your feelings about your teen getting into steady romantic relationships? What guidelines or rules will you (or have you) established? 5. What are your feelings about your teen and part-time work? 6. What types of changes have your experienced as a result of parenting a teen? 7. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens? Do you have guidelines or expectancies that you share with your teen regarding their friends? 8. Do you feel that your teen respects your decisions? Why or why not? 9. Do you feel that being a teen is more or less stressful than your own teen experience? 10. What words of advice would you give to an individual just starting to parent a teen?
