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I feel the same way about my family but they are not in any position to follow in my footsteps. I moved away to go to University when I was 19 and stayed away ever since. My husband and I met when I was 21 and had just returned from Europe so I never ever did move back home but my sister still lives at home at 30.
The thing is that I got pregnant when I was 22 and had my first child at 23. I was so mad because I thought it was going to be so great that we have the first grandchild for my mom. My older sister, who still lives at home, got pregnant only months after I did. Gee, I wonder why? I told my mom that's what I thought of it and she thought I was being jealous and paranoid. I got pregnant again the year after I had my first baby and thought, now, either she's going to get pregnant or get married because I got pregnant again. The minute she heard I was pregnant again, she started talking about having another one. My mom was mortified because she already can't support her son and now wants another one to move into the house with my mom. My mom told her then that she has to move out if she's thinking of having another one.
But now it's moved onto what our children have. My daughter and my son are spoiled because I work full-time and provide for them what I can. This Christmas, I bought my son the Thomas Ride-on train on TOYS R US. I wanted to hide it because I didn't want her son to end up with the same toy for Christmas as had happened in the past. I waited for her to finish her Christmas shopping so I would know that she wouldn't end up with the same thing. This happens every time my son wants or gets something. My son was really into Toy Story for over a year and loved Buzz Lightyear and Woody. I bought him lots of Toy Story stuff. Her son didn't even know who they were 'til this year but she bought him all this stuff anyway and he doesn't even care for them. I told her, you don't need to buy him everything that my son has, he doesn't even care for them. He's really into dinosaurs so you should buy him dinosaurs. She doesn't listen though; she continues to waste money on thing that her son doesn't even care much for. She should be looking out for his interests instead of competing with me. She can't afford half the stuff I buy for my kids anyway so it's not all that often but it does get really annoying when it comes time for Christmas and they're opening all the same gifts.
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Thanks BlueMist,
Moving to another city and following you - that is funny. I really appreciate your reply. So much of what you described is what I have experienced. I reduced the contact for many years but due to circumstances, it has increased in the past year.
I have to resign myself to the fact that she is jealous for no good reason and it will not change. She doesn't do this with our sister who is 6 years older than me (9 for her).
Your post helped.
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My sister-in-law used to be sooo competative when it came to our children, how much income we were getting vs. their income, how many visits to grandparents houses and so many things like that. It used to drive me crazy!!! The little remarks here and there so I would know when they were doing better than us. I put up with 7 years of that competativeness, her boyfriend got a job with the same company as my husband, we tried to have a baby, she got pregnant!!
The final straw was when we decided to move to another town. My DH got a job offer so we moved, and guess what??? They followed us to the same town!!!
I said enough is enough. I've given them the hint that I don't want to associate with them very much. Special occasions and the occasional visit is just fine with me. My husband feels the same way I do.
A wise person once told me, keep the people in your life that make you feel good about yourself. The ones that make you upset or less of a person, keep them at arms length. That's what I've been doing and I feel a whole lot better.
All the best,
BlueMist.
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I found this board when I did a search on Sibling Rivalry. You are all so great in addressing it. I'm 59 and I just realized that my 56 year old sis ter is jealous and this is what drives her. I'm trying to be non-competitive however she only seems to be nice to me when she feels she is doing better than me. Why I don't know. I am not interested in the big house, showy dinner parties, how much or this or that, etc. The latest incident involving our 91 yr old mother is so demoralizing and at a time when we should be pulling together.
So however tired you get, remember your children will benefit from your guidance.
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Kimba:
Congratulations on soon becoming a SAHM! You're going to have good days and bad days. But the good definently outweighs the bad. I'm 28(soon be 29)in two weeks and all I've ever wanted was a family of my own.
I take one day at a time. It's challenging and rewarding at the same time. When my girls laugh, hug me, or are just sleeping it warms my heart. I love being a SAHM!!!
Hope to hear from you again soon!
BlueMist
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I'm not a stay-at-home mom but will be next month. My contracted position ends on March 31 and my husband starts his job on March 20 so I'll be home starting next month.
I do know what you mean when it comes to the good times and not knowing who is at fault. My kids get along so well at times and then other times they're screaming and fighting over toys. My oldest has learned that he can trade her toys if he wants what she has but she now knows that she can keep the toy if she wants to. She now walks away when he offers her something knowing that he wants to take her toy away. They're getting better but I did find this site that really helps. I don't have the link anymore but did copy it into a Word document. It's all about sibing rivalry. I haven't had a chance to read it yet but will email it to you if I get your email address!
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Hi Kimba:
I have two girls ages 4 and almost 2. They fight ALOT. Both want the same toys or one is tormenting the other one. They scream at eachother alot and my youngest one is starting to throw things and bite the older one. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up. But then there are the times like when my four yr old says "I love you" to her baby sister. Or I look in at them when they're quiet and they're sitting together looking at a book, or laying down together watching cartoons.
Sometimes it's hard to know whose in the fault. One child might seem innocent at the time but maybe you didn't see the whole situation.
I've found that time-outs have worked to a certain extent. We have a naughty chair that my oldest has to sit on when she gets out of hand. She really hates that!!
One of these days we'll be able to look back on this and laugh about it right?...Right?
Stay-at-home mommies rock!!!
BlueMist
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I've been reading a lot on discipline and trying to get new ideas but it's mostly about explaining, timeouts, and consistency.
My kids are great in comparison to other kids. My son seems very emotional so we're going to start working on that. I thought it was normal but I think he gets very emotional when he gets into trouble and when he's hurt by other kids. He doesn't realy jump back into it like other kids would. I think I've coddled him a little too much so he's not able to bounce back. I'm going to try to get him to start expressing his feelings a lot more and talk about his feelings a lot more. He's only 3 but he's starting to understand already.
My daughter throws the funniest tantrums and I really think they come from me. When I get frustrated that they are not doing what they're told, I put my head down into a pillow or on my arm and lean on something. My daughter, when she gets mad, she throws herself on the floor and puts her arm down and her head on it and just lays there hiding her face for a minute. when she's done, she doesn't cry or go on with it, but stops right then and gets on with her playing! She throws the best tantrums but I think she will learn more when she realizes that we're not responding to those ones! She doesn't cry much or whine. She asks for things but accepts no for an answer. She is great but she hasn't learned enough yet for me to know this is who she is going to be. I think that she took her dad's qualities on and my son took my qualities on.
Kim
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I actually have a 4 and 5 year old that are 1 year and 4 months apart in age. And they fight a lot too. Now that they are older it is a little better. However, I think that it is a little better because I am constantly telling the two of them that fighting and bickering is unacceptable behavior.
I have also had problems with the two of them throwing temper tantrums over the years. I have always taken the stand with them that any sort of temper tantrum is not acceptable either.
Now ... sometimes this works and sometimes we have to go through the whole temper tantrum until something finally snaps and they decided to give up the fight and calm down.
I keep hoping it gets better as they get older and that all my guiding them will pay off when they are older and really understand that they always have to make the choice of how to behave.
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| That's what we were doing as well, giving in, but it is a good idea for us to not let it happen any longer as it could get much worse and it is getting a little worse all the time. It started off with just lying down with him at night and who put his shoes and coat on but it's happening more and more with stuff like who's going to buckle him up and who's going to take him out. Time to quit and time to listen to the screaming for a little while. It isn't practical all the time but we'll have to make the time to make it practical for a little while. I will let my husband know of this idea and hopefully we can start right away. Thanks for the info!
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KMOWATT-
Sounds like a normal 3 yo to me! lol My daughter does the same thing. She screams when I shut the van door because she wanted Nana to do it, or vice versa. She screams because she wants me to get her out of her seat and not her dad. For awhile, we gave in because it was just easier. We finally decided that it was not going to get better and could actually get much worse. So we decided not to give in. Dad gets her out of the seat when he drives because that's the side she is on. If she doesn't like it, she can sit there until she stops screaming and lets him undo her straps. Obviously not practical at times, like if we are on our way to an appt or something, then we just have to let her scream, or we try to distract her with another topic(like how happy Nana will be when we see her inside the church so lets hurry and get inside-that type of stuff,) then she lets him get her out. To our suprise, she has gotten much better. The past week we have not had any screaming fits. (Thank goodness)
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Hi!
It's funny you said "it's payback time" lol My parents say that to me all the time about my son! LOL I was into everything and always trying to keep up with my older brothers! I was very much a tomboy as a kid. My Mom was horrified because she thought I would be her little girly girl. Good thing she had my younger sister! lol
All the Best,
Laurie
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I was a little scared of nursery school too but I've found that he is very well behaved with others most of the time. I thought he would be very well behaved in his skating and swimming classes but I think he thought Robyn, his swim coach, was just there to play with him and Jennifer was just too harsh so he didn't listen to either of them. He's very well behaved with Grandma and auntie though. Most of the time he's well behaved with us, it's just when he's tired and doesn't want to do what we want to do.
It's become these really stupid little things like who unbuckles his car seat, who gets him out of his car seat, which door he gets out, who opens the door, who puts the key in, etc. It's these stupid little things that turn into a huge fight. It's been very exhausting and frustrating. Yesterday, for his skating lesson, he wanted to do up his seat belt himself in the van. He can only do one but it takes time and we were in a hurry as we were already late so we ignored him. He screamed all the way to the rink and I said, we should have let him have this one because that was only the beginning to the rest of the fights this morning. I kept saying "it's not going to work, let's just bring him home" but my husband wanted to keep on trying. So we did, we brought him on the ice and he would not let my hand go. I let his hand go and he stood there and yelled "mom, hand, mom, hand!" throughout the entire skating session. It was fun for him when I held his hand but it kind of defeated the purpose of learning to skate. His instructor said, if that's the way he needs to learn, that's just the way it is. She said, he's scared to fall, that's okay.
It's been very frustrating but the sibling rivalry is getting much much better than when I first started this conversation so that's not my issue anymore..... I know it'll be a small issue once in a while but it's not right now as there are much bigger things to deal with in my little monster...lol.
I'm not saying he's extremely bad but once in a while, he just throws his tantrums and does not want to listen. I don't remember wanting to listen either when I was his age. I was one of the kids who was kicked out of nursery school at 4 years old so I can see where he gets it from. It's his way or the highway for him....lol. Just like me as a kid, I guess, it's payback time.
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Hi Emme!
Thank You! I'm glad to hear that! I really am worried that he will be fresh at school. Thank you again!
All the Best,
Laurie
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| Speaking from a teachers point of view, most "little monsters" at home are very well behaved at school.
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Hi!
My son is 3 also.I don't think it's so much that you raised "a little monster" I think it's just his age. I also have a daughter (almost 6) and she was nothing like my son when she was his age. I raised them both the same.
My little guy is very independent. He walked at 10 months! He doesn't like any help with getting dressed or with his utensils.
When my daughter was his age she was very dependant on me. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her! lol So, I put her in nursery school and at first she would cry when I would leave. After a month, she looked forward to going.
I'm afraid when I send my son, they'll kick him out! lol And when I ask him if he wants to go to school, he tells me "No, I'm staying home with you" It will definitely be a challenge.
Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone on this one!
All the Best,
Laurie
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Yeah, no one said this was going to be easy.
We decided to put our son in swimming lessons and skating lessons to put some structure in his life. I thought, he's not in preschool, so he should learn to take instruction from others as well as his parents. He took his last swimming lesson last night and didn't pass the class. I was very disappointed but understood.
He's not listening to anyone else so we talked about it. I thought preschool was a better place for him to learn that so we are going to register him in a different preschool until he gets accepted into the one that we want him in. We're also going to be a lot stricter at home because we do let him get away with quite a lot. I don't think we're being as consistent as we could be and we do give in to a lot of his wants (e.g. candy, watching tv...). We're going to try to be more consistent and more strict at home so that he will be better working out in the real world as this just isn't working.
When the instructors try to talk to him, he yells at them "NOOOOOOO" as loud as he can and sits and cries loudly. We all know he isn't hurt in anyway except that he wonders why they are telling him to do something he doesn't want to do. He doesn't respect authority at all.
I used to tell myself that he is only 3 and just hasn't learned that yet. Respecting authority is a huge thing to learn for a little guy. He knows when he's in trouble and will try to listen when he does know but a lot of the time, he will ignore us or just cry and yell.
I just don't know what kind of little monster we've raised to this point. Any suggestions?
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They are great, although they drive me crazy on a daily basis. Of course, that is what they are suppose to do.
Emme
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Hi EmmeJ70!
That's how I hope my kids will be when they're in school together. I have 2 older brother's and a younger sister and we fought with each other like all siblings do, but if you messed with one of us, you messed with all of us! lol
We were very protective of each other and still are as adults! lol
Sounds like you have Great kids!
All the Best,
Laurie
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| You know, the test is not at home when they are simply brother and sisters. The test is when they are family out in the real world (School) and mom and dad are not there to protect them. You don't want to mess with one of my little terrorist. The other two will hunt you down and set you straight. Whit has took up for Britt( without Britt knowing of course), Britt runs to Whit when she is crying because someone has hurt her feelings to comfort her, and right now, Jo doesn't take up too much for his sisters but the girls sure do protect him. That is the test that helps realize that all the explaining and craziness we go through at home has worked. It will never stop at home.
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Hi!
I can relate to what you're talking about! lol My daughter is almost 6 and my son is 3. They fight over everything (most of the time). I also do the explaining thing. I tell them that they're family and that family is the most important thing. My son doesn't get it yet, but my daughter understands.I tell her when she has no one else to play with she always has her brother.
Here's an example of what my two do: they were out in the sandbox fighting over the sand. "that's my sand, I was going to shovel that!" LOL
Like one of the other ladies said here, I pick my battles now. It's too exhausting trying to correct everything.
All the Best,
Laurie
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| Hello ladies, I am a mother of three. Two girls,one boy. Whitley is 10, Brittney almost 8, and Joseph will be 6 in July. I have had so much trouble with sibling rivalry. Explination is a great way to teach children to say sorry. If they do not know to say sorry how will they ever say it. I have to do the same, I often send them to their rooms just to cool myself down so that I can talk with them. My middle child, Brittney, has been educational diagnosed with high functioning autism. She has trouble in this type of situation. So for her, explinations work great. I find myself explaining everything
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| I have the same problem...well part time...my oldest son Michael and my neice Shawnele constantly bug each other . Michael is almost 5 and Shawnele is 2.5. My mom watches them during the week so my sis and i can work so they grew up together and its funny because sometimes its good and other times they are crazy. I make him say sorry too but i also pull him aside and ask him why he got in trouble and explain and sometimes ask him to repeat it. I use the explination alot...when hes at home i will get so upset i sent him to his room and once i cool down and hes been in a lil bit i go tlk to him. But i have also learned to pick my battles...because she needs to learn to... well...quite frankly not be so whiney. Now fortunatly i havent had to many problems with my boys together but i fear its right around the corner with Barrett...my baby...becoming mobile :)
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I started off at 184 pounds so I'm doing well on this diet. I have two children who are 3.5 and 1.5. They are only 25 months apart. One girl and one boy.
They are constantly fighting and constantly touching everything but they are my sweeties. Sibling rivalry is a huge thing in our home. I'm not sure how to handle it sometimes without taking a side. My son is a lot bigger than my daughter and is pushing her and hitting her sometimes. Not sure what to do about that but have been giving him timeouts and having him say sorry. I read an article that said that we shouldn't have them say sorry as they should come to that themselves but I don't think my son would understand saying sorry if we didn't ask him to do that when something like this happens. Any suggestions or other problems you have with sibling rivalry?
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