Betty, I couldn't agree with you more, however I feel like I do everything well in fact I do. I don't mind taking care of my hubby if I know without a doubt he would do the same for me but it's sad to say I don't think he would. He has said that he has ADHD and there is a history of bipolar in his family including his sister. That may in fact be the major problem but it doesn't help that his primary inluence on relationships came from his grandparents who grew together on the old school philosophy where the wife did all the work, and it didn't help that the grandfather has bipolar. As an "outsider" to this family I feel that there are many things between the grandparents that has gone untalked about, I have had a few opportunities to talk with the grandmother and find out some key factors some of which she may be unaware that she "let out of the bag" so to speak like telling me her hubby has untreated bipolar. What upsets me the most is that she has seen exactly how my hubby treats me by this I mean he will wake up and move from the bed to the couch or to the computer on weekends and leave me to do all the work again. He believes he shouldn't have to do anything in the house because I am a stay at home mom and since he goes out to work the only things he is willing to do is take out the garbage which I end up doing sometimes and mowing the lawn. I know you can't change a person, I am not asking that I like the person he is but the ADHD which could even be bipolar but with the lack of severe mood swings I don't think it is, he is engrossed in games, tv, books, anything to keep him occupied. You would think his family would do that and he could come to me or the kids to do stuff with but again having seen his grandparents' old school ways and maybe even disfunction it's engrained in him and difficult for me to deal with. Whew I've rambled enough sorry just wanted to give you insight. renee
RENEEMAC 6/7/06 8:38 A
Tator, I have to laugh not at you but with you I have been finding myself snacking too. I however have decided that if I choose something bad then that will be my meal. Example hubby asked me to buy him several twix bars and if I need a candy fix then I won't eat lunch. I don't eat breakfast as it is so right now I am doing great I just bought another pair of capris and a tee shirt. I am getting down to almost my prepreg weight and am happy. I think the smallest size I've ever been was a 6 and the capris I just got were an 8 I was soooooo happy when I reached a single digit so that is motivating me to not over do it and more importantly to exercise. I did a little this morning, not as much as I would have liked but I figured I would take it slow and not overload myself. As far as family goes I have to say that I am starting to get tired of doing everything for hubby. I wouldn't mind doing everything for him if I knew he appreciated it and would reciprocate the gestures. I don't know I don't want to gripe about it just venting :) I hope you are doing well and things calm down and get back to normal for you I miss our chats but thats ok I understand besides we've all got problems of our own to deal with and I know that always comes first. Thanks again, renee
TATORTOT 6/6/06 6:38 P
Reenee, I have been doing just really bad this past week with my snacking, I can't stop, it is driving me nuts. So I am going to try not to snack for 3 days straight and for a reward I get to order a sparkpeople tee shirt, hopefully this will work.How is your dieting going? TATOR
BETTYBME 6/5/06 2:28 P
I've been married to the same wonderful man for 26 yrs now. Sometimes he does things that irratate me, He smokes I don't so he smokes outdoors and not in my car.He is thin has the metabolism of the road runner I do not. But never does he say I'm fat or need to lose weight, he encourages me when I'm doing things to improve myself, and still chases me around the house sometimes even when the kids are around. we have 5 of them. marraige is not always easy it is not suppose to be. It can me hard work but it is always worth the pay off.We talk things out and we don't always agree when we are done but we can live with the outcome.He is my soft safe place and I have trusted him with my life all this time and he has never given me reason to be afraid or feel unloved or unwanted. I in return take care of him, he knows no matter what I will be there whatever the reason. If you can find that in another person take care of it. there is nothing greater in life then to have someone to share it with.Anything worth having is worth working for. hope you find the answers you seek.
RENEEMAC 6/5/06 8:16 A
Tator, Hey things are going pretty good for the most part. I understand things are hectic. I haven't really been on too much lately I did post tho on I don't feel sexy anymore there you can read the latest thing. We have resolved it all I guess but nothing much else going on. I will be busy myself planning our daughter's first bday party. So just keep in touch from time to time when you get a chance. Thanks for all your help and oh yeah I have to contact the town for the certifications for home day care I am in fact planning that. I want to get the house cleaned and babyproof so that will keep me occupied as well. Chat with you soon and take some time for yourself to relax when you can. Renee
TATORTOT 6/4/06 8:01 P
Renee, Sorry I have not kept in better touch lately, it's the end of school year with exams and award banquets etc. Thursday is the last day of school till Sept. Whew! I figured if something really important popped up you would let me know. I take it that everything is going okay, I hope. How is the housing situation going? Any more about Daycare? Tuesday is my 26th wedding anniversary and I do not know what we are doing. Well, take care and let me know what is up. Tator
RENEEMAC 6/2/06 11:36 A
Hey Tator, I hope all is well with you and yours... haven't heard from you in a while.
RENEEMAC 5/19/06 9:29 A
Thank you so much. I will look into all of that later today if I get a chance. Definately all worthwhile and extremely appreciated. I will let you know. Weekends are hard for me to get online that's Darrell's relax time and "his" computer time since as he says I am able to get on all week so I will try my hardest to check back in before the end of today if not have a great weekend and I'll let you know what I found. Renee
TATORTOT 5/19/06 8:10 A
Renee, Check also about getting on a food program, you get paid for breakfast, lunch, snacks etc. they pay you once a month for each child including your own. I use to average right around $500.00 a month just doing that. It is from the state, and you make out a menu for everyday and send it in and about every other month someone comes to your house to see how you are doing.I also had a daily schedule posted on a bulletin board by the door for what thier child would be doing. We had art everyday, once a week we had a cooking class they loved to make homemade bread and chex mix and a lot of times they would take some home. I had a science experiment once a week. We read before naps, I had toothbrushes for each child to brush after meals. I had monthly themes that I tried to center our actitivies around. I had paid vacation every year and I think I might have my old contracts that I had the parents sign.Go to Lakeshore online they have great projects and things to buy, it's where schools get alot of thier things. They will send you a magazine, also Orenital Trade has alot too. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and Darrell. Good luck, Tator
RENEEMAC 5/19/06 7:40 A
Tator, Hey thanks that would be great. I called they are going to send me the info pack for what I need to get certified and all that jazz. much appreciated You're the best. Renee by the way things are back to normal well whatever normal is in our neck of the woods. Darrell had some time to himself shooting yesterday while the girls and I went to walmart and then we well he purchased another gun and I told him there are stipulations to that 1 being we purchase a safe so the girls never see it nor can they access it EVER. and 2 I get the same amount of money to spend on myself. He agreed and then I went on to discuss our disagreement I told him I did not like how he made me feel so low with what he said about me not working. I told him what if you lost your job and I had to go work and then immediately did what you are doing. He said you are right I'm sorry. It's a start. Well off to do some cleaning I'll check back in soon. Till then Renee
TATORTOT 5/18/06 6:45 P
Renee, I did home daycare for years and I loved it! Plus I made a lot of money, which was a bonus. If you decide to do it I will help you all I can.Later Tator!
RENEEMAC 5/18/06 1:54 P
LOL tator the past two posts we have been missing each other by like 20 min. :) have a great night.
RENEEMAC 5/18/06 1:53 P
Tator, We have been married for about a year and a half. Most of his griping is about not being able to go out by himself like shooting as I have said before. I think that is a lame excuse but if he wants time then I should get it too. Aside from that he does play with our 2 yo at times, I know when we visited his sil he played more with her daughter because she was older could ruff house a little more and "related" on a "kid" level. He just doesn't know what to do with them now. Occasionally he holds the baby. So I know when they are older I am certain he will be more involved. I know what you mean about the mother thing, he still talks to her I cringe when he says love you mom. I can't speak out of experience but I don't think I would be telling my mother that if she allowed others to abuse/neglect me. I know his grandfather is bipolar and won't admit it. Like you she said that back in her day it was you made your bed now lie in it so she hung in there and said it took such a long time for him to come around. This may sound strange but I think his whole family put up a front when we were dating and once we got married they decided ok the jig is up we don't have to pretend anymore. (his grandparents were the ones that raised him) so he saw her doing all the work while grandpa sat around doing what he wanted to. Well I have to get these girlies changed and down for a nap. I am thinking about doing home day care to get extra $. I'll try to get back on later today but most likely it'll be tomorrow. You're the best renee oh by the way I'm 28 hubby is 23 so he is still a little immature but I would honestly blame it on his childhood and adhd
TATORTOT 5/18/06 1:34 P
Renee,
We were married for 20 years before he completely changed over the years he got a little better. He still has his moments,but controls it now. I know that sounds like a long time to hang in there, but there were some really good times there too. He may not have been there for the kids, but he didn't abuse them either and they did know that he loved them deep down.Our oldest are 26 and 21 and they don't blame me for staying with him, and they are forming a bond with him now, and they are happy about that. Our other 2 are 15 and 13 he is much more involved with them so some times I almost feel left out. What a change. I said I just can't believe how you have change, but as he has said he quit running from his past, and realized what he had. How long have you been married? It will take time for him to change because he really has been messed up, my husband use to kind of stick up for his mom, now he rarely speaks to her, she actually called on Mother's Day to ask him to donated a kidney to her. He feels guilty for saying no. I think sometimes your husband is really confused because life with you is so different then what he is use to. I just turned 43 and I feel like I am still in my 20s people mistake my daughter and me for friends they can't believe I am her mother. I just really feel so happy now that he is freer with himself.I hope you can hang on because I really feel he will come around. Well, take care, Tator
RENEEMAC 5/18/06 8:44 A
Tator, We have been thru the whole what about a counselor spiel and he refuses, again, a tactic to make me feel like it's all my fault I take it. I think you just hit the nail on the head and made a light go off for me as far as your statement about pushing me to see how far I will take this and to see if I leave. That does make perfect sense. One night after we moved from my parents house he asked me to go back up there to get a few things they are two hours away and I had both kids with me, of course my parents wanted to see us relax as it was already 7pm when I got there... LOng story short I called hubby asked if he minded I sleep over there he said NO when I got back the next day he was livid going on and on about how I should come home to my husband.. I got mad and left again, no reason to argue if I had his permission. Spent the night again at my parents and then went crawling back sadly to say sorry I shouldn't have done that ... he said to tell you the truth I hoped you didn't come back so I said well if you want me gone I'll go just tell me. His response was I thought YOU wanted to stay and try to work things out. I gave him the opportunity no strings attached to say he wanted out and it was clear to him but by him saying that I wanted to work on it made me think that he did too and that was just his cover up. I know what you mean I don't have anyone to turn to no friends around here since I don't work and we move so much. I don't know about me working what you said makes sense but there are times when he seems like he will help out it's a tough one. So many times I just want to leave I no longer want to compromise my sanity but I love him. How long were you with your hubby before he realized??? I don't know how long I can hang on if only he would discuss things with me instead of leaving me in the dark. It's a pretty lame excuse for not making me feel just as much a part of this union and family simply because I don't work. HELLO ! I think what makes me not want to work is the way he is just forcing it on me. I don't have a problem working in fact at this point I would love to, I'd make friends and gain back some sanity. The problem with friends tho he makes me feel like I shouldn't have them. Example if I am on the phone he's trying to butt in and say things so I have to rush off. I was outside talking to the neighbor he called me in asked how long I was going to talk to her it was longer than a few minutes... He said it in a nice way but I knew what he meant by it.. How long ya gonna be I'm tired of getting up for myself I need you here to fetch for me. LOL well I will try that family walk suggestion I think it would be good but like you said doubtful. Thanks for giving me the strength to endure, you are a blessing. Renee
TATORTOT 5/18/06 8:19 A
Hi Renee! Wow, it sounds as if you just had a rough 24 hours. He seems to have an excuse for everything and wants to blame you for it all and to take no blame. If you worked it doesn't mean that he would treat you any different. Have you guys thought about him seeing someone about his problems? It may help for him to talk to someone who is impartial. I really think he has a tough time dealing with things, and he knows he is wrong, but can't let you know that. He seems to be seeing how far he can push you and if you leave he will prove himself right about people, that he can only count on himself, which again goes back to childhood. Don't ever be sorry about letting this out, I didn't have anyone to talk to, and moving so much in the military I really felt alone. Just hang in there girl, he really is so much like my husband was, one day a light will go off for him. Maybe tonight you can talk him into going for a family walk, I doubt it but, you can try. Talk to ya later, Tator
RENEEMAC 5/18/06 7:16 A
Tator, What hurts me the most is that he makes me feel like I have to give up who I am and become someone different. I don't work right now and apparently that bothers him. Not only in his mind am I required to do all the housework but wait on him hand and foot. He was annoyed this morning because after I got his clothes picked out for the day I didn't take out his wallet or belt from yesterday's pair. Excuse me??? I have learned to deal with doing all that for him but then he had the nerve to tell me last night that the reason he doesn't tell me anything is because I don't work then after talking to him he changed his story to say that ok he's sorry for not telling me too much but that since I don't work I don't have much of a say in what goes on if any at all. He has said that he has ADHD I truly believe it and several relatives on his dad's side are bipolar including his sister. I would ignore certain things knowing that he has a condition but does saying something hurtful like that just get excused to me it doesn't. He does talk without thinking at all so he tends to say hurtful things I have learned to brush that off as well. It just makes me think that he's the one with the problems but I am the one who has to go get medicated for depression and since he doesn't want to talk I have to go to a counselor for that if I do . I also wonder if I do get a job will he amazingly change and start taking responsiblity for what needs to be done for himself or am I going to be busting my but getting all four of us ready for the day? Gee sorry for the vent but thanks for listening and helping. I am finding that talking to people like yourself is really helping me. I appreciate it, Renee
TATORTOT 5/17/06 9:21 P
Hi Renee,
His mother sounds like my husband mother, she likes to hurt people. I think that must be why it takes them so long to trust us, I mean if you can't trust your own mother how can they trust us. They never have had to deal with people staying in thier lives,and being good to them. My husband told me that when we got married he really didn't think it would last-most everyone he knew never stayed together.I think that they really try to push us away and we won't let them. He will realize that someday you are here for good.Also when you try to get him to talk it makes him feel too many things, and he feels like he will have to deal with them when it is so much easier to ignore.My husband was once told that he can't let himself be happy so that is why he did a lot of the things he did.I truely belive your husband will come around too.Just don't give up. Well my son wants my attention so I must go take care and talk to you soon, Tator
RENEEMAC 5/16/06 11:32 A
Hey Tator, I know exactly what you mean about hubby not wanting to hang out with the kids, mine is the same way I know one time we were at his step sister's house and he was playing with her then 4 year old. He said he wished ours was that big. In other words she was old enough to play kinda hard back and ruff house better with him. He doesn't know what to do with them this young and they don't really play back because they don't have the same sense of twisted humor that he has, although I must say that Caylie is getting pretty quick and smart in her responses to him. He is not going to be able to get anything past her once she is old enough to really understand things. I figured out how to get to our group click on community then go to the first Main topic (the green tab) the sub heading under that next to last is SparkPoints group forum, click that and then look for sparks in love 101. I know my hubby has it in him to be a great dad, loving husband, and wonderful friend to me and the girls but what is hard for me to understand since I didn't come from the same background is the fact that here's someone willing to do everything for him and loves him yet he has a problem getting close and opening up. I would think that after such a horrible childhood he would thank his lucky stars each and every day for someone who cares and show his gratitude to them not repeat what he had to endure. I am not saying that I came from some fairy tale family but it is just so hard for me to comprehend the thought process. I know it will take time and it doesn't help that he won't deal with the past and accept what happened so that he can move on. I know he needs counselling more than anyone but he would rather send me off to see one than to sit down with me and talk. Someone told me that maybe he sees it as I am coming at him in an attacking manner, it makes sense that he won't talk and shuts down since that was all he dealt with from his mother and her trashy boyfriends. Of course I never see the "evil" side of his mother she has said things to me like why am I with her son he is fat there are so many skinny better looking guys out there. And she said the reason he was conceived is because she was bored one night. Well I am sure my hubby grew up feeling worthless with a mother like that. I do have to nurture his ego a bit I guess but it is sooooo extremely difficult to baby someone who is avoiding us and who doesn't seem to be interested in his new life with a loving wife and beautiful girls. I must say that you give me the encouragement to hang in there I really hope my hubby comes around like yours did. I have gone shooting on numerous occasions. I was the jr. champion in the .22 cal rifle when I was like 12 years old but I quit because the boys used to tease me for beating them. Then I would shoot a muzzle loader rifle the old civil war type where you have to pour the powder in then ram the bullet down and I even won a few turkeys at turkey shoots doing that. My parents are on the United States International Muzzle Loading Team. It's kind of like a group of shooters from all over the world who get together and do these tournaments set up kind of like the olympics. It's neat. My parents do alot together shooting, golf, motorcycle riding, occasionally she will go hunting with my dad. My hubby wants me to shoot with him but we don't really have a sitter so we'd just have to take turns while one sits in the car with the kids or something like that and that's no fun. I do want to find things to do together and ways to make it better that's why I created that thread I hope people start posting to it. Would be so willing to listen to any and all suggestions. Well I've written a book now and must go get them lunch. Thanks again for helping it means so much Renee
TATORTOT 5/15/06 7:57 P
Renee, My husband use to go over to this girl's house all the time and say he was going somewhere else. He said he lied because I always threw a fit about him going over there. I could not stand the girl-I went to school with her and she was a back stabber.I use to try to have the kids in bed every night between 8-9, so that we could watch a movie, play cards, or a game together, and then we could talk while we played. He always use to get defensive about everything I would say-he still does sometimes.When my husband would join baseball teams I use to take the kids up there to watch, so I would be invoveled some way.My husband still says that sometimes he feels that he can't do anything right, and that I am too perfect.Now that he has changed he includes me in everything he does.He likes to spend time alone with me and doing things just us together, which still suprises me.I don't think you are asking too much, for him to spend time with you.I found 1 reason he use to never do things with me is he always felt he wasn't cut out to be a father and just can't see what there is that is so fun doing things with kids.So when he did things with me the kids were always there.That sounds like a really good idea about the gift card.Do you go with him to the shooting range? I use to try just about anything to please him. I look back and think sometimes I was a big whimp but other times I think well, I sure didn't let pride come between us.Well, take care and I will be thinking of ya. Enjoy your wonderful weather. Oh, yeah I lived in the Jacksonville area.See ya,Tator
RENEEMAC 5/15/06 10:54 A
Tator, Thank you, for some reason my pics have saved to a smaller size I would love to get them bigger so everyone can really see them. I know what you mean with the trust. My hubby spends so much time chatting online with a female friend of his, he thinks I don't trust him, I do completely that's not the point, when he is online that is that much more time away from me and the kids. I could care less what he says to her because she means nothing to me, she has never wanted a civil relationship with me so I don't care one bit about her. In my opinion if you are friends with someone and they take on a new partner you should be happy for your friend and not necessarily take on their mate as a friend but be willing to go a little out of your way to be friendly. She doesn't do that. He thinks I am jealous I told him last night because it was an issue that I am not in any way jealous I am upset because here you have a wife screaming for your attention in the other room and all you can do is play on the computer... UGH. I asked why he is so consumed with talking to her and he said because I don't see her everyday like I do with you. He wants some free time to go out by himself. That is fine I don't mind it I just want the same opportunity to go out by myself. He says that if I am just going to Walmart or grocery shopping I have to take at least one with me. (I think I may have told you that before?) He also told me last night that he feels like he can't do anything right. I am so sorry I made him feel like that but I need to say what I feel and that was the fact that he spends so much time on the computer. if you read my p.s. note on the sparks in love msg. board you'll get the whole story. But what does your hubby do outside of the house for his free time??? I think I will buy my hubby a gift card for some shooting range time he likes doing target practice. Besides something like that there really isn't much to do alone except go to a bar or a movie? I know we should both have our alone time but to me we should be able to put the kids to bed and sit down together and talk, relax, just be with each other and like I have said he thinks that just being in the same house together is enough and do a little something on the weekends. Am I asking for too much attention??? I didn't get much as a child from my parents so maybe I am seeking it from him! Don't get me wrong my parents were involved just not enthusiastically involved in my life. Well I'll chat with you later, I can't thank you enough for all that you have done thus far, you are a blessing thanks Renee
TATORTOT 5/12/06 10:23 P
Renee,
My husband also had an abusive home life. His father knocked his mother around. His mother fooled around and told him lots of lies. It's a wonder he ever learned to trust. It did take a long time.I could not imagine ever letting my children have a life like that. I am so very protective of my children. I saw on your page your 2 girls, they look so cute. Well I will talk to you again later. Take care!
Tator
RENEEMAC 5/12/06 12:08 P
WOW let me just say that this sounds all too familiar !! We hardly talk at all and last night it really bothered me so I told him. I realize we don't have much to discuss since we are with each other every day but I told him atleast do a good job "pretending" to be interested in what I have to say. Usually he makes me feel like I have to hurry up and get done talking. As for your hubby relaxing on the couch that too is exactly my hubby and I can see him saying things like that to me. I do hope he turns around as your hubby did. I my hubby's childhood was filled with neglect and abuse I'm sure there was yelling and he was probably made to feel unimportant and all so I am very willing to work on it and be patient. I am so glad to have met you and thank you for your time. I wouldn't know how to get thru these tuff times without your advice. Renee
TATORTOT 5/11/06 7:55 P
Renee, I always had to take the kids with me also. He wouldn't watch them while I worked so I did homeday care for years. I really loved that. He still complained about that, but he liked the money I made.As the kids got older they didn't want to stay with him at all, then he would get mad about that.I had the bra problem too, that was so embarassing.At least he finds you attractive and he is notcing the weight loss, that is important. I remember being 7 months pregnant with my 2nd child and I had worked all day outside at the job I had and picked up my oldest child from daycare and he was laying on the couch when I came home and he said hurry up and mow the lawn I want some dinner. He remembers that and says I don't know how you put up with me, but thank God you did, I really don't deserve you. He is trying to make it up now. I am glad we can look back and dicuss this now. Before he never would talk about things and would keep things to himself, which also came from childhood. I wished my husband could set yours down and talk to him. That would be great.Take care and I will talk to you later. One more than he always thought if you were having sex all the time than everything was great in the marriage.
Tatortot
CHRISMB 5/11/06 4:52 P
Renee, I do know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I feel like a "kept woman" because I do everything with the house--even a lot of the maintenance around the house, ie. caulking, painting, etc. He doesn't do the trash because he feels the children should do it, but I feel that if you put the last piece of trash that can fit into the basket, you should empty the basket. He feels that one of the children should be called to empty the basket. I think that is ridiculous, but that goes back to his childhood, "why should I do these things, I have children"! I think that sends the wrong message. I believe my way teaches responsible behavior and his way teaches servitude...I could go on. I agree that you've got to keep your identity. I recently went back to work, but my children are older. For the first time I love it and it takes me away from "problems" at home and I feel that I'm really good at what I do and I feel "smart". There are times when I feel dumb, unorganized, inconsistant, etc. at home. Anyway, women need an outlet and someone to listen to them who really understand. Hang in there. Chris
RENEEMAC 5/11/06 12:56 P
Tatortot, I understand and agree with everything Thanks. I can completely relate on the motorcycle issue. Many things have been acquired that way with my hubby. I am currently being treated for depression and hope that allieviates some of the problems we are having but like you I am not driving, lately he has been taking my car to work and leaving me his car which I can't drive anyway because it's stick. I am not saying that he is controlling me I know if I asked for my car he would have no problem at all leaving it for me, I just think he prefers mine and his has a few kinks in it. I do want to go out and work but right now we would not be able to afford day care and have it be worthwhile. The hardest part is being able to leave the kids with him so that I would be able even just to go to Walmart or grocery shopping for some alone time. He would watch them, most of the time if I go somewhere he prefers I atleast take one child with me I ca
