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CHRISTINA_CSR
6/24/06 1:37 A
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Hi Brandy,
I had the opposite happen to me, the oldest stepdaughter(now 21) isn't real close. I think we had a closer relationship than I thought because at 18 when she started to like a boy, she would talk to me all the time about how to tell if you are boyfriend/girlfriend - then when she found out he was screening her calls she broke it off and started dating his friend. I guess his friend is not presentable or not "the one" so she doesn't talk anymore. She also doesn't stay over anymore because we are so strict? We want to meet (at least once) who she is with, know where she is, and when she will be coming home. She feels we are in her business so we don't know her business. She still loves us and she loves her little sister. Kimberly, the 14 year old, and I are real close, and to others she says I am like a mom to her (wouldn't say that to me though). We talk about her boycrazy ideas. She is a lot of talk, and it drives her mother crazy because she and the older one are very quiet people. She hints that she would like to live with us, but she also says we have too many rules (like make your bed, pickup after yourself, and the above one). Also, we don't think she should date till she is 16, group dates w/friends, and she would have a curfew of 11:30-ish. Her mother has no rules, till she gets in trouble, then there is yelling and grounding. Grounding over then no rules again. I don't think she will come live with us. She does weigh my standards/rules and knows that I want her to follow them, but since she turned 13.5 she has been deciding if her mom says okay then she'll just do it anyway. She now has 3 piercings in each ear, making her look 17, and she will probably get her navel&tongue pierced at 16. I told her that if she has that in her mouth, guys will think she'll put anything in it - she didn't get it. -Christina
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BRANDY282006
6/23/06 9:36 P
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| My oldest step daughter and I have a very good relationship she comes to me with everything, but she also has respect and understands that I am the parent and she has listen and obey. I also do not believe in violence against children especially to spank a child for hitting it is a contradiction. My 15 year old step daughter and I were pretty close untill she started getting in trouble and then she didn't like our rules so she decided to go live with her mom where she gets anything and everything, but what can you do I will just continue to love her and show her guidence. Brandy
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CHRISTINA_CSR
6/23/06 7:33 P
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The guy from work has 5! small children, 4 boys and 1 girl (finally). He was in the Marines and I am betting he did a lot of holding the "gun" above his head, and so he thought of this for the boys/kids. He said to have them all stand on a line with thier hands up until one confessed to the bad behavior, or until they were sufficiently in pain from holding their hands up.
I took that idea and thought, it shouldn't be me punishing her, and her daddy is always talkin' about how he got the belt as a child. Well, I really don't like the idea of inflicting violence on a child, they should do the punishment to themselves. The belt, being their belt was to show it was their bad behavior to own. Explaining their behavior was my idea, because Jacqueline doesn't like to explain that she did something wrong or did a bad thing, so she ends up holding the belt a long time. I do thank the guy for the initial idea though, 'cause he has his hands full!
One time (over a year ago),I put my stepdaughter in the corner for being mean to Jacqueline. Kimberly was taller than me and almost 13 at the time, and looked at me like I was crazy, but I said that if she was going to act like a child she would get discepline like a child. When I put her in the corner (I didn't know the "belt" idea yet, but will use it on her if I have to), I told her that we would be discussing why she was in the corner before she could leave it. Surprisingly she did what I said, and I haven't had that problem again. My stepdaughter cares about our relationship (I have known her since she was 3) and I told her that her being mean to Jacqueline when it wasn't called for was a reflection on me and hurt me. I must of sensed right because she doesn't act out on "the baby" anymore, and we talk ALOT about her troubles. When the talking stops, thats when the trouble will start, so I roll with her talking most of the time (we have her on the weekends). She's all talk right now...
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BRANDY282006
6/23/06 5:27 P
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| That is a really good idea. I am a psychology major and that is one of the better solutions to spanking I have heard. Brandy
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CHRISTINA_CSR
6/23/06 5:23 P
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SMILIN_LUZ
Hi, I am a stepmom of 2 (now 14 and 21) and I have a 6 year old, all girls, I also have a 24 year old girl. Anyway, I have a spank alternative that worked really well: My six year old is really difficult, and all the threats (that were carried out, no TV, no sweets,etc) were not working, and she had a real problem with authority - she wants to be in charge, takes after her mom (me). Well, she was having problems at school, where I can't get to her, so I told her if there were more problems with the teacher I was going to give her the "belt"! Just painting the picture... Okay so I made her get HER belt, and I had her stand with her hands up, holding onto the belt as she told me why she was misbehaving. Because it is her belt, and she is responsible for her actions, I told her she was doing this to herself, she brought it on herself. After about 3 incidents of this (hold the belt for about 3 min or so), this became the ultimate consequence, and she behaves better. When I spanked her, she would forget why she was spanked (or hit as she would put it), but if she held her belt and told me why she was holding it up, then she pretty much remembered why she was "gettin' the belt". Just a suggestion. A guy at work told me this one, and I don't ever get fustrated to spank anymore.
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BRANDY282006
6/23/06 4:38 P
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| I know to well about the Bio-mom doing no wrong. My 15 year old step daughter just recently decided to go live with her mom basically because she didn't like our rules. Now she gets to do whatever she wants and is not accountable for anything,ahhhhh. She has gotten in trouble before and we have always stuck together but this time the bio-mom thinks she can do better after not being a very involved parent for the last 8 years. So i guess we will see how this whole mess turns out. Brandy
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| I dont think its just you. I have 4 of my own. 24,20,17,&12 My stepson is 9. Its hard being a step parent!! Bio-mom does no wrong! I cant do anything right! I spent my morning getting him sighned up for summer ativities. Magic mountain, Disneyland, Horse back riding, Dodgers game, Angels Game etc. and hes mad because I didnt buy him a toy. He had rabdio which is a childhood cancer. Stage 4. Last summer he was in a wheel chair and now he is riding a bike running around. His Bio-mom showed up at the hospital twice during the year he was in and out and both times was removed by the police. He was removed from her home 3 times by cps before we got sole custody. The thing that is hard for me is if CPS took him again and they were planning on it She would have lost all her rights but since we want him she has rights? I understand the Judge having a hard time telling a mother she cant see her terminally ill son. This last weekend was her turn my stepson told me he hated me right before he left. No explanation just screamed at me I want to be with my real mom and you cant change my mind. That hurt!!! I'm a fake mom? I take him to his Dr.s appts. I'm the one who stayed with him during chemo. So anyway today I decide Camp Reach For the Stars is on one of the weekends his bio-mom has him and I get the paperwork all together for her. Fun all expense paid weekend for him and his Bio-mom. I tell him about it and he says "why dont you want to go with me?". I cant win!!!! I feel so guilty because sometimes I really wish his Bio-mom would just get it together and get him back and then I come to my senses and know that there is no way I could ever just let him go. I am constantly being told to back off he is not my son. Counselors lawyers etc. I tell them my brain knows he is not my son but my heart does'nt. So Hard!!!
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SMILIN_LUZ
6/14/06 2:00 P
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Thank you, I know that feeling.
How old are yours?
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
6/13/06 5:41 P
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NO, its not just you.. although I love my step kids with ALL my heart.. it is still hard.. because there are times they want thier mom.. they dont want me.. and it hurts me soo bad cause I am the caregiver.
You ever want to talk.. i am here..
sunflowermom1972 for yahoo
donnysstar1972 for MSN
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SMILIN_LUZ
6/13/06 1:58 P
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Sounds like another drama mama.
My husband told her if her mom and she believe I mistreat them then they should called CPS just like her mom called them on her. That is the reason why they were removed from her home in the first place.
She even wanted my husband to leave me and give her another chance. She was willing to give away her smallest one if he did not want her. She has 5 kids from 3 different daddies. The 3 oldest are my husband's of course. She abandoned my husband and her first 3 kids when the smallest of those was 8 months old. She disappeared for months and her mother helped him out with the kids. When she decided to come back she took her kids back and moved in with some guy. Her mother was noticing bruises on areas where they should not be and called CPS. She kept telling him to find a good woman to settle down with and then fight for custody. Well CPS finally took them away when baby #4 was 5 months old. My step-kids and their little brother were in a foster home for 3 months until they were finally placed in our home and then we received legal custody last November. Now that we have them their drama mama and grandma are a pain in the rear. They can't stand the fact that I can make decisions over the kids and they can't. Their mom keeps trying to tell us what to do but has not paid any child support even though the court ordered her to begin in January. Oh, but she doesn't believe I should have any say so but I should help out financially.
I really hope she grows up one day and realizes that she should be thankful instead of bitchful. She believes that I am trying to take her kids away from her. I have told her to her face that was not the case. I don't like talking to her because it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
I do hope that we have at least one child of our own. But I also have pcos and we can't afford to see any fertility doctors at this time.
Someone once told me that that may be the reason why God has not given me any children of my own. He ended giving me three children to take care of their mother couldn't. I am caring and loving them each day but it is hard to love them the way I love my niece. I don't know if it is because of their behavior which is terrible most days or if it is because I am scared. I know they might be taken away from us if their mother decides to fight for custody in November. I don't know, the feeling just isn't the same. Is it just me?
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
6/12/06 7:56 P
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Oh heck yes I have had soo many issues with her.. oh man it was bad when I first moved here with the kids.
She called child protective on us a few times anfd of course they never found anything wrong.
Anyway since she moved to CO we havent had as much trouble but we still do have to deal with her lies and all..
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SMILIN_LUZ
6/12/06 1:37 P
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I also have my step-kids full time. We recently gave their mother more time with them. She has them on Fridays and Saturdays. They can't spend the night though, so she has to bring them home each night. She had her fifth baby about a month ago and I noticed she doesn't carry the 1 year old with her anymore. I guess she can't handle all five at the same time. The only problem I am having with her is she thinks I mistreat her children. Yes I have spanked them a couple of times and I told my husband too. They told their mom I hit them but they wouldn't say why I hit them. I told them it's ok for them to tell her I have spanked them but they need to tell her where and why. I have nothing to hide. The 4 year old told her mom I made her wash her clothes. She forgot to mention that I only made her wash the shorts and underwear she peed on. She had about 4 accidents in one week so I told her that the next time she did she would wash those clothes.
Any of you have/had any trouble with the other parent?
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LISA_IN_CA
6/11/06 2:04 P
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| Really well so farm thanks for asking. Just finished working out : ) and getting ready to head outside to shovel a ton of gravel and haul bricks .. lol. Yesterday went shopping .. so you can't beat that. Only bad thing is, it looks like more rain!! ahhh. have a good rest of the weekend! ttys Lisa
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
6/11/06 1:54 P
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how is your weekend going?
MIne has been good.. so far.. it is almost 1 pm on Sunday.. today has been a lazy day for me.. I ahve only walked a mile and sa half so far.. just dont feel like doing much more walking..
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LISA_IN_CA
6/10/06 11:54 P
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| hi back and nice to meet you too!!
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
6/10/06 12:20 P
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| HI there! Nice to meet you!!
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LISA_IN_CA
6/10/06 10:36 A
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| Stepmom here too .... stepdaughters who are 12 and 15 : ) and also a son who is 10 and a daughter who is 3 : )
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
6/7/06 12:58 P
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Yes i am.. to three children.. all of whom live with us full time.
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SMILIN_LUZ
6/7/06 12:54 P
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
6/5/06 2:29 P
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| I am doing great. And you?
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
5/19/06 12:23 P
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| HOw is everyone today????
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
5/12/06 10:14 P
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| HI there!!!! How are you today?????
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SMILIN_LUZ
5/12/06 12:47 P
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SUNFLOWERMOM5
5/4/06 1:29 P
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HI there.. ah ha I found a step mom board! I also started one. cause yesterday I didnt see this board!
I am Amy..
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SMILIN_LUZ
2/16/06 9:15 A
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I always said I would not hit those kids, especially since they are not mine. But sometimes they do drive me crazy and I do want to give them a spanking when they do not listen. But you know, it seems to be worse when all three are with me. Because when I only have two of them it is a lot more peacefull. Imagine when it is only one. I feel I do so much better.
Their mother also said that if I ever spanked them she would come after me. You see, we do not get along. We used to and I would do it for the kids, but she is very selfish. She wanted for all 4 of the kids to be with us but when she found out we were only going to give her one visit per week she changed her mind. She decided to place the baby with her sister. And since then she started to say bad things about me and what she was going to do. She wanted my husband to leave me (before we got married last month) so that she could move in to be with her kids. He told her to fight for them so she can get custody back but she doesn't want that, she doesn't want him to be with me. She just wanted someone to support her so she didn't have to work. Her other son's (he is 1 year old) father is an alcoholic and didn't bring much income. They seperated after CPS took the kids away from them.
She used to beat them once in a while and her own mother reported it to CPS. She is now living with another man and is about 6 months pregnant by him. The funny thing to me about her having so many kids is that she only has one ovary. The other was removed about 4 years ago.
I was going to leave my husband about six months ago because of some problems we were having and he did not want me to leave. He said he loved me too much for me to go that he wanted to find a way to work out our problems. And they have. Even if I had left he wouldn't take her back. About 3 years ago she abandoned him and the 3 children. The youngest was only 8 months old. She left them to live with a guy. Well she actually lived with one, left him and then moved in with another until her mom found her and beat her for abandoning her kids. She has never wanted my husband to be with anyone but her but it was ok for her to be with other men.
I know this sounds like a lot of drama and it was and still is sort of.
Well, we kept the wedding a secret and got married on a Saturday. Her weekly visits with the kids are on Sundays 10 am - 2pm. This is when he told her about it. She told him that was the biggest mistake he made. She insists that I am only with him because of interest in his little house. I don't want to sound conceided but I can get a better house on my own.
Well back to the kids. Do you see now why the oldest is the way he is. I don't like pulling their ear but after asking them to do something 10 times, and then raising my voice and asking them again another 10 times I just decided to do it. I just started the ear pulling last month. My grandmother used to do that to us. She never spanked us or hit us an any other way. My mother used to beat me but she would also give me her time and love. She never really beat my little sister (8 years younger than me) She did admit to the mistakes she made. She realized how wrong she was after taking some child education classes the daycare she worked at required her to take. She did learn a lot and since then she was more patient with us. I learned a lot from those classes too because she would come home and tell me everything.
I am trying to do as much as I can for my kids. I read to them each night at bedtime, I put him and his little sister in soccer so they can do more with their time, my husband and I started taking him to how-to-clinics at Lowes and HomeDepot for some one on one time, I take a day off each month to spend the day with him in class, I take time off to attend parties and ceremonies, I am also going to get some family counseling for us, but especially for him. I know he has a lot of anger inside and I don't blame him.
Well, I guess this is enough for now.
Take care everyone.
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AUNT_BEE_1945
2/15/06 3:53 P
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It is not easy to be a step parent.
I would try not to pull the child's ears.
Spank their but with your hand. Not their back, there butt. That is only if you have to do so.
Dr. Phil book, If you don't have it check out family First read it if you like it you can buy the book to have at home.
Be prestant, children, have to know that you really mean what you say. Some they can count on and believe in.
They may not like your rules, but they can learn to obey.
Best wished. Respect and love, goes along way, both ways. parent and child.
These things have to be taught. Say what you want and in force it...with kindness and respect, expect respect back..
Your word must be the law. Both husband and wife, and the other family should have the same rules if possible. Makes things less confussing.
( Don't be wish- washie )
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SMILIN_LUZ
2/14/06 12:25 P
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PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It means there are cysts that surround my ovaries that prevent eggs from releasing. Some symptoms are excessive body hair, acne, weight gain, depression, aggression and something about insulin. This is why women with this syndrome should maintain a healthy weight. The healthier you are the more chances you have of having a regular cycle and conceiving without medication.
Thank you for the advice.
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More than likely the children are looking for love and attention. When my oldest son was that age I found myself getting short with my temper towards him when all he really wanted was some mom time. The only problem with you is that these kids are not in that same situation. They are acting out because they have lost the trust of adults (the people who they are supposed to be able to trust wholeheartedly). It will take time for them to develop that trust again and sadly all you can do is be PATIENT, PATIENT, PATIENT! Get down to their eye level (sit next to them on the bed if you have to)and speak calmly and let them know that whatever they're doing is unacceptable behavior. Also try giving each of the children special one on one time to help build the trust aspect. As they begin to trust you more they will come around and behavior will change.
By the way, what is PCOS? How old are you? Where do you live?
DeAndra
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SMILIN_LUZ
2/13/06 2:37 P
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Hello everyone. My husband and I were awarded his three children back in August of 05. They are 3, 4, 5 and I occassionally have my 2 year old niece over too. I do not have children of my own but would love to have a couple. One problem is that I have pcos and am about 80lbs overweight. I would like to try conceiving as soon as I loose about 50lbs. My husband and I just married last month and he has to supervise the visits between the children and their mom once a week. I am having a problem with the 5 year old and am seeking help for him through a family advocacy center (counseling). But I would also like some advice/help from you on how to control him without it getting physical. The worst thing I have done is pull his ear. He does not seem to like that and I do let his father know each time I do it. Which has only been about 4 times in 6 months. He gets very upset and throws fits whenever he doesn't get his way. They are also having trouble with him at school. He gets sent to the office at least once a week. They mentioned that alternative schools do not accept kindergardeners. This attitude of his and his 4 year old sisters sometimes makes me very upset and I sometimes think that I really do not want kids because I feel that I am not a good parent. But then I think that I have no fault in these tantrums. It is his past that has caused this attitude. His parents separating (never legally married) and his mother's abuse.
I hope I can get some advice on different situations. I will let you know what goes on as each day passes by.
Take care everyone.
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