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LEXILOU05
11/10/06 2:57 P
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| I can definetly relate to the evil step mom scenario. I am a 22 year old mother who gave birth to one but has three. My husbands ex is the epitimy of disaster and takes everyone down with her. She has been founded of neglect for non guardianship of the 4 1/2 year old and we still couldn't gain custody of the children. 11/30/2005 we got a call from a social worker saying that we had to come pick the kids up immidiately because the 4 1/2 year old had been bit for the second time by a german shepard that her Gramma owned. Apparently the children were left alone while eating cake at the dining room table, she dropped her cake, went to retrieve it and the dog bit her arm because he wanted it. We were told to file custody papers immidiately by this case worker. Well 1 day after, December 1st she came to look at our home just to "get the case off her desk." We applied for custody but the social worker went on vacation before she did the proper paperwork. Unbeknownst to us. So a week goes by of leaving messages for her and then we contact6ed her supervisor who informed us that she was on vacation. During this week that had gone by, the kids BM had called and threatened us and all kinds of things happened. Her family came and kicked our door in and tried to fight my husband. The downstairs neighbor, whom I've known for many years let his dog loose on them long enough for us to get out down the back stairs to call the police. So needless to say because of this social worker, on January 3,2006 the day my husbands mother commited suicide, the BM showed up with the police and took the children away at 9:30pm. They had been in bed since 8pm. Because she didn't fill out the paperwork she was suppose to, she was able to do this because there was no paperwork in process besides our own in the court system. And without hte proper papers done by CPs that have been signed by a judge, they can't over ride a court order that had been in place since the previous October. So these children have been emotionally, physically, and we believe sexually abused and no one will do anything about it. We have taken the BM to court on numerous occasions. This last time she was ordered to arrange for counseling , parenting training, and anger management within 1 month of recessing from court or she would have to let the kids live with us until she could prove she was ready. 1 week later our family court judge died and she has not done anything. We don't have our new court order,so technically she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. We were almost to the point of ptting an Amber alert out on the children because she told her family to tell us that they went to Florida and it had been two months since we last saw the kids on January 3rd. But the morl of the story is you just have to keep in mind what is best for the kids and they are only young for so long. When they're older hopefully they can see the deranged and spiteful ways of their mother and want to spend less and less time with her. Until then we have to be strong for them and be prepared for the way they will behave when they have come back from seeing her. I love my husbands kids and they love me no matter what their mom says. But I still worry about them. i grew up in a broken home but I didn't go through it until I was at least 12. That ruined my life because my father couldn't get over my mother and manipulated me to the point of hating her. I eventually became a drug user and an alcohol abuser at the age of 13 until I was 19. And I didn't speak with my parents for 6 years. I still don't speak to my father but my mother and I are closer than ever. So I can only imagine what the kids are going to go through. My sister is 19 and has been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. She left him a few months ago when he tried to snap her neck but the went right back to him. She is addicted to the abusive behavior. that is the scariest thing I can think of for these children.All I can do is stimulate them as positively as possible and love them as if they were mine. Tonight we're making playdough!!!!
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I just found this thread...boy can I identify with some of you. My DD is 22, college senior. My SS are 17 and 14 and my DH's ex moved when we did to be close to the boys. She is disfunctional and is making the boys that way too. I feel like the wicked SM way too often. DH and I have started counseling to try and deal with all of the issues. We met when the boys were 5 and 2, so I have been the stable female in their lives. But it has gotten harder as they got older and their BM has gotten more controling.
I am glad to find it's not just me. Thanks for the support and validation.
meli
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I am a SM of a B6, G5, G4. They also have a HB20mths, HS4mths from their BM. We have custody of the 3 oldest, their aunt has custody of their HB and their BM has custody of their HS. So, it is really hard for them to understand what is going on. They each get an evening with BM and then they all go on Saturdays. This way she can give them individual attention during the week. It has been very had since she still has the illusion of getting back with my DH and keeps telling the kids she will move back into my home one of these days. She has tried the "We've been having an affair" to convince me to leave my DH. I just laughed at her.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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NINODEDIOS
3/30/06 2:10 A
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| Hello all. I'm a stepmom raised by a stepdad. I was a brat growing up who got into a lot of trouble. I now see how much pain I caused my stepfather, who never had children, by being so mean. I really respect the way he stepped in and raised the five of us when my father wasn't around. Praise God, that my step-children get along with my son quite well. It really makes it easier to be a family. I am close to both of my step-children, we talk about everything. I think I have a better understanding of their feelings because I went through the similar emotions growing up as well. To all the stepmoms out there. Keep your head up and perservere.
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SCRAPPER6
3/22/06 11:40 A
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good luck with your step daughters health issues. I hope everything works out fine. And good luck to you with your goals. Looks like you and I have similar weight loss goals. Feel free to write whenever for support and encouragement. I'll do the same. Take care
Lori
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Isn't it sad how people try to buy the love of children with material things, rather than just spending time with them?
Things have been so-so here. My stepdaughter has been having problems for a couple weeks. Getting sent home from school, saying she didn't feel good, but no major symptoms. Last week they took her in for bloodwork to make sure its not mono or if she's anemic or something. We're still waiting to hear back, but it really has all of us worried.
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SCRAPPER6
3/21/06 10:06 P
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| How are you all doing? I hope all is well with your families. Ours is OK. My ex decided that it was too lonely to cut off his own son. So, to make it right again, he bought him a computer. Go figure?
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My ex is being so mean to our oldest son. I left my ex because he was so emotionally abusive. No one could see the bruises and scars I had in my heart. Now,nine years later he's doing the same thing to my 19 year old. He's "cut" him off (his words, not mine) because he's mad that my son didn't find a way to visit him when he was here last weekend. My son called and TXT messaged him numerous times with no response. My son lives in the city and takes a bus/rail into work daily. He doesn't have a car anymore and is no longer insured. He got a ride up here with my niece who was also visiting. His dad came into town and "waited" for my son to find a way down to the restaurant he was waiting at. He never offered to pick him up and no definate plans/times were made so I didn't know I was expected to drive him there. When his dad got tired of waiting, he sent him a TXT that he "got bored and went home. That he wasn't real happy right now. Since you didn't want to see me, we are through." Now today, he told him not to worry, that he's moving to Florida in a couple weeks and they will never have to see each other again.
How abusive can a person be? I understand hurt feelings and disappointment and I would have felt the same thing if it had been me. However, you don't make someone hurt as much as you do because you're mad.
My son is obviously hurt but he's seen his dad do this so many times that he feels like, why keep trying? This is what he wants. I tried to explain to him that you should never treat people that way. You don't play games with peoples hearts. When you say mean things (because you're mad), they may later bite you in the ---- and then you can't take them back. But, my son is so sensitive that it made him cry. I don't want to say bad things about the boys' dad but, ahhhh! it's one thing to suffer abuse but it's quite painful to watch your children suffer the same abuse by their parent.
Any suggestions out there?
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| GRRR! I am so mad at my DH's ex. She did not inform us about very important stuff that is going on with my SD!!! WE have joint custody! How dare she does that? We have to fight to get a little bit of info. This is crazy! I do not understand why she would want to exclude my Dh and me from sd's life?
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Scrapper6 you are right I have a stepmom who I lived with full time and I guess I was probably an ungratefull kid also but i do know now that all the things she did for me she didn't have to do and now being a stepmom myself I have a whole new respect and understanding of the way she raised me I couldn't have asked for a better mom.
Kathy
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Scrapper,
You made a great point about our kids realizing what we've done for them as they get older and mature. Thanks for the reminder!!
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I just found this thread. When my husband and I married, I had two boys and he had three girls. We then had a little girl together. Now, seven years later, our children are 19, 16, 14, 11, 10 and 6. The boys dad is fixing to move out of state and hasn't really been a part of their life for several years. The girls birth mom has never really been a part of their lives. Both the 11 and 10 year old are affected by pre-natal drug and alcohol use but the 10 year old is by far the worse. The 11 year old just has learning difficulties and a little bit of the appearance. The 10 year old has SEVERE behavioral issues. She spent 5 weeks in a hospital when she was 8. That was the hardest thing. She will spend hours screaming for the most minor thing. It has been hard. Now, after five years of absolutely no contact from bio-mom, she has started contacting the 14 year old - and guess what, she's the best thing since sliced bread! You know, sometimes it's really tough and I get frustrated. But, I know there will come a day when these kids are adults and they will know for certain who was there for them and who wasn't. They don't need me to remind them of that. It will be obvious. So, to all us step-moms, keep up your goals. Make yourself the best person you can be and someday, our children will look at us with pride and say "I never made it easy on you but you never left me. I love you". Ahhh, That's what it's all about ladies!
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I have 3 stepdaughters, aged 13, 12, and 10. I've been their stepmom for almost 8 years, I adore them, love them like my own. They were 3 of the reasons I married my hubby.
But it's hard, very hard. Especially when their mom is uncooperative and wants to make it hard for us to have a close relationship with them.
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| Thank you for replying My husband is very good at backing me up on my desicions that I am very thankful for but we never have anytime alone maybe that is whats causing all the stress i'm going to start trying to find a babysitter thanks kathy
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| Hi Kathy, Welcome to Spark! You are so right that being a stepmom can be the hardest job. It can be difficult to encourage children to have a good relationship with both you and the biomom if the biomom lets them down on her promises. At the same time, you need to let them know that they can depend on you. Does your husband back you up on child-raising issues? It's always helpful to be united with him or the kids will try to come between you and play you off each other. Make sure you also get a chance to have alone time for yourself and alone time with your husband, as well as times when the whole family does something together. I know sometimes I feel like I never get to be alone with my husband and that adds a lot of stress. Good luck with things and remember, we have lots of support here on the message board!
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Hi everyone,
well I'm new to sparkpeople and I was just checking everything our when I found this message board. I'm 24 and I have two step children Boy 10 and Girl 9 I don't have any children of my own but plan on having them some day. I came into the picture when the kids where 4 and 5. They both live with us full time I have to say this is the hardest job I have ever had. I am constantly doing for them and it is never good enough there mom who never calls them or even comes to visit when she says shes going to can do no wrong it drives me crazy i have gotten to the point of not even wanting to be around the kids anymore, when they come in a room I feel uncomfortable and frustrated i know they are only kids who love their mom but i can't help feeling like this any suggestions?
Kathy
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| Congrats on getting married! It's too bad you can't form a good relationship with the biomom, but you are lucky that your stepdaughter is young and you'll be an important part of her formative years. It can be difficult to come on the scene once the children are older!
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NEWLYWEDBETH
2/22/06 11:52 A
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Hello! This website is so great..I have found yet another little group to join!
I am a newlywed...just married October 8th, 2005. Less than a month before that, we were awarded custody of my step-daughter who will be 4 on St. Patty's Day.
So in a matter of a month I moved out of my parent's house, became a wife, and a step-mom! EEK!
Unfortunately, the bio-mom is not a great person...she has many issues (the reason my hubby got custody). Although I would have loved to have a good relationship with the mother of my step-daughter, that won't happen. Oh well.. we are making things work! And hopefully in about a year we will start trying to add another member to our little family!
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Wow! It sounds like a lot of you are in the same boat as I am with the stepkids. They can be all sweet and loving one minute, but then dad walks in the door and suddenly I'm the evil one. I am so mean that I make them do homework and eat dinner before getting into the junk food. I know I'm an awful person (very sarcastic). I just wish I didn't feel like I was being manipulated.
Then again if I take them shopping or something all of a sudden I'm the coolest person around and they love me because supposedly I have a better idea of the stuff they like than bio-mom. I guess because I'm quite a bit younger than the hubby that I can relate to them better at times.
I guess its all just part of the stepmom role. Thanks everyone for the support.
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I realize that I was/am truly blessed with the bio-mom. She is a nice person. My hubby is awesome too!
I hope the reason for a lot of the hard feelings here is not becasue the new stepmom was cheating with the then hubby of the bio-mom. One of my dearest friends found herself in that situation and wondered why her stepkids hated her so much. I am quite blunt and told her the un-abridged truth and she woke up and confessed to her stepkids that she did the wrong thing and told them she was sorry. They have since forgiven her and are living happily with her as the step grandma to their children. I don't think anyone understands that my experiences were wonderful but they required a TON of harwork and loving kindness coupled with patience to acheive what I am now so proud of. It was not a walk in the park everyday. It was hard work and dedication to all of our children. I have one more story to tell and I'll make it short... all of my SS parents were so willing to make things wonderful for him that I sucked it up and kept his bio-mom's other child for an entire weekend so my SS could be with both of his brothers. Little did I know just how much the brother needed RITALIN!! It was an awesome experience though and one I will never forget!!
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Tcroley - You are so lucky to have had the overwhelmingly positive experience you've had with the biomom. It's great to hear such a positive experience and about a stepmom dealing with a biomom who really believes that the child comes first rather than just paying lipservice to it or all together being selfish.
Unfortunately, it just isn't that way for everyone. People can be vindicative creatures. They can be unkind. They can cause problems between kids and the stepmom by talking negatively about the stepmom, without the stepmom having done anything to deserve that. It's terrible. It's shocking. But it happens.
I wish my stepson's biomom was more like yours.
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The only thing I did here was share my experiences and thoughts. If that offends anyone then maybe you should read my posts again. I'm shocked to hear that the bio-mom attacked you verbally or otherwise.
Maybe she should only have supervised visits.
As for being compared, dis-respected, and excluded, you should ask yourself if those things are real or perceived and who is doing them. Then try to find a way to tactfully and lovingly handle each situation if it should arise again in the future. I will post back later I have school to teach.
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XSTITCHINGTAZ
2/13/06 3:47 P
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MELWUP: sounds like you are in a similar situation as me. My Stepkids hate me because I try to enforce house rules which they think they should not have to do. Like not throw their clothes on the floor and make their beds. It is very frustrating because my husband tends to make excuses for his kids, rather than enforce the rules, which makes me the evil stepmom. I am trying to learn to let it slid, and however his kids end up as adults is his responsibility. It is tough, but it is better than being stressed out and upset all the time. I am just counting the days till they turn 18, and graduate from high school.
Kathy
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XSTITCHINGTAZ
2/13/06 3:42 P
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SEMERADE,
It has helped a lot. I am slowly trying to change, but after 6 years it is difficult to change my behavior. We had kids this weekend. And I really had to bite my tough. I only lost it once. It is so hard not to comment when my husband lets the middle kid do whatever he pleases without any repercusions for his actions. I am trying thou, and I think it will just take time to change. Just like losing weight.
Kathy
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Scaron,
It is hard sometimes for kids to follow the rules. I can just imagine how hard it must be for our stepchildren living with 2 different sets of rules in two families. Hang in there, as they get older they get better at following the rules. As a matter of fact, sometimes they remind you of the rules... LOL Good luck!
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Mel,
I am very sorry that I was not here to help you out since I was not feeling very well. It is very hard to stop children playing off the parents never mind the stepchildren playing off all the parents involved in their lives. They are just acting like any other child would do. I understand that it could be avoided if both sets of parents (at mom's house and at dad's house) are on the same track, with the same rules, etc. However, it is sometimes not the case My stepchildren were very nice to me when my husband was not around, calling me "the coolest stepmom", and telling me how lucky they were that I was their stepmom. When their dad was around, they tended to be completely different people. They would talk about their past, how things were with mom, and etc. Although I knew that it was part of loyalty wars between the parents, it was hard to deal with. My husband laid down some rules stating that no matter what we are a family, and we would act like one.To this day, my teenage stepkids still try to play us off. (Most of the time leaving me in the middle or in a very hard situation for when it comes to getting permissions from dad.)But didn't we all?
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Don't worry too much about adolescence, you've got a ways to go before you have to face those issues.
It is really challenging when the kids have to go back and forth between households with different rules. For a while, my husband had been working out of town during the week, so the kids were here mostly on the weekends and we never had any alone time because of course he wanted to spend time with them. At least now he's home and we're back to an every other week with the kids so we can get into a more normal routine as far as homework and bedtimes and helping around the house. I'm very up-front with my stepdaughter. I've told her she's a member of the household and so she needs to take some responsibilities just like everyone else.
One thing that made me feel great last week was when she was at her mother's and called me for help with her homework. I had helped her with her fractions the previous week and apparently I explained it better than her mother. It is a good feeling to know that she knows she can depend on me to help if she needs it.
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Oh wow, adolescence. I try not to think about that - too scary.
It's good to hear that I am not the only one going through this, and also handling it by making it clear that biomom's rules don't apply here. It's just so hard being a pt parent and having clearly different house rules. By the time he gets used to them here, it's time to go home. C'est la vie, I suppose.
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I'm the same as far as putting a priority on education and good manners. I've been in the picture for 5 years so the youngest is pretty much used to the way things go, but she still tests the limits, especially when dear old dad doesn't enforce household policies like do homework before watching tv, get to bed at a decent hour, that sort of stuff.
Pretty much the only thing you can do when the biomom has different rules is to make it clear that what may be okay over there is not necessarily okay in your house. It's a lot easier when the two of you agree on how to handle various situations so the kids can't try the divide and conquer method. I'm not really sure what other advice I could come up with, we're still having some issues with the joy of beginning adolescence and all that entails.
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