Ooh, I had another idea for sucking up to a reluctant MIL. I forgot about this before.
I'm planning on asking my MIL if I can borrow something old from her for the wedding day.
You're supposed to borrow something from someone with a happy marriage, in hopes of borrowing that happiness for yourself. Unfortunately, my mother isn't a good candidate to get this from. I feel like I should borrow from someone older, hoping for the same sort of long, happy marriage. My in-laws work very well together and take good care of each other, as evidenced by their ability to tag team us in the invitiation dispute, so I figure MIL is a good candidate for the borrowing.
I'll probably also look for something old from my mother's mother. My mom or aunt might have something. But I won't tell MIL that...
*BAST* 4/5/06 2:42 P
Yeah...I'm definately avoiding Billie on my wedding day. I told my fiance about her stealing my gift idea and he was shocked and then we looked at each other and started laughing!!! I think at that point we both realized how absolutely mental she is!!!
It must be great to have a wonderful MIL!! I'm jealous!!!
JANICESKATES 4/5/06 11:25 A
Thankfully for me, my fiance realizes his mother is a real nutjob. It's funny actually, because she's a clinical psychologist, yet she's the most unexamined person I can think of! Most people, when they aren't getting along with someone, try to look at themselves and see if they bear any fault for the problem. Not Rita! She's impossible to convince that she's crazy!
Because my fiance knows all this, having been her son his whole life, we try to laugh about it. He's really understanding. And when you've got a good mother-in-law story, pretty much everyone in the world will listen to it and express shock or sympathy. I told bridal store clerks, co-workers, good friends, skating teammates...everyone!
When I'm too angry about it to laugh, I think about revenge - like how if she can't control her outbursts and be nice when she isn't getting her way, as the mother of her grandchildren, I'll have the right to require supervision while she's visiting with them. That'll kill her.
Given Hottie's story, I think I'll avoid my MIL before the ceremony...just to be safe.
I bought the book I mentioned last night, plus "Mothers-In-Law Do Everything Wrong: M.I.L.D.E.W." by Liz Bluper. It had good reviews and I was working my way to free shipping.
I think it was in one of the bridal magazines, but I recall reading that something like 43% of divorces cite in-law trouble as at least part of the reason they are divorcing. What an awful statistic!
HOTTIEWANNABE 4/5/06 9:55 A
I am so thankful I don't have that to deal with, and I don't know how you gals do it. I hope your fiance realizes how hard it is and sometimes it can be what ultimately breaks a relationship that was otherwise good. I have a friend that right before the wedding, like when everyone was getting ready to walk down the aisle, hugged her and told her in her ear, "just so you know, NO one will ever be good enough for my son." During her ceremony she was crying, but we found out later those were not tears of joy.
I just don't understand why some mothers are so threatened by the women their sons pick. I can understand some situations when she is a bad person or other circumstances, but its most always towards the girlfriend or wife of the son, not as much towards the boyfriend or husband of the daughter. I don't have kids, but I hope I will support my son or daughter with their selection of wife/husband.
*BAST* 4/5/06 2:27 A
Thanks! I think I'm gonna get it too! I saw it at Amazon.com for $10 (not a bad price I think) and I need something to read that might be helpful.
JANICESKATES 4/5/06 1:16 A
The book I was mentioning earlier (yesterday?).
"I married My Mother-in-Law: And Other Great Tales of In-Laws We Can't Live With-and Can't Live Without." Edited by Ilena Silverman. It's about $10 on Amazon.
There was one story from it in Real Simple in December, and another one in SELF around the same time. They were very different, but both of them made me want to buy this book.
I'm going to place my order now, so I don't forget again!
JANICESKATES 4/4/06 3:11 P
This reminds me:
http://www.motherinlawstories.com/
There was a book I wanted to get a few months ago, good and bad stories about dealing with mothers and mothers-in-law. But I can't find the name of it now. If I dig it up (because the magazine is likely still in my bedroom) I'll post it. It looked pretty good.
*BAST* 4/4/06 2:35 P
Janice..I know how you feel!! My future MIL talked my fiance out of these gorgeous invitations because she said they were too much money and WE are the ones paying for them!!! She said that the only thing she was going to help us with was the reception dinner which is fine but then decides that she was tired of trying to pretend that she like me and backs out leaving us with the bill and all HER invites!!
But the lastest thing is that I was trying to be nice to her and actually carry a conversation with her and the topice of my fiance's birthday came up and she asked me what I was planning to get him and I told her....I didn't see the harm in it...well..the next day she goes out and gets the present...I have already bought and wrapped and hidden because his birthday is not til another MONTH and calls my fiance because she has his birthday present. GUESS WHAT IT IS!! THE SAME THING I GOT HIM ONLY I HAVEN'T GIVEN IT TO HIM BECAUSE IT'S NOT HIS BIRTHDAY YET!!! SHE STOLE MY BIRTHDAY IDEA AND THEN GAVE IT TO HIM EARLIER LEAVING ME WITH NOTHING!!!! This woman is twisted!!
JANICESKATES 4/4/06 10:58 A
First we wanted this: http://tinyurl.com/9y5em
Then, when that was rejected, as being too informal, we wanted this:
http://tinyurl.com/fu6xp
It made sense. We're putting Mickey & Minnie on top of our cake, so we were going to make it a theme.
MIL threw a fit, said those invitations were fine for our guests, but *her* guests couldn't get them. She never suggested an alternative, mind you. But we were being immature because we wanted cartoon characters (we wanted invitations that fit our personality, and we're playful people). I suddenly wasn't right for her son because I wouldn't back down. FIL started to suggest things that (a) we wouldn't consider and (b) were out of left field - like because we were getting married in a Cathedral, we should have a cross or something on the invitations. MIL said that people weren't going to get that they should dress nicely, because the invitation wasn't formal enough (hello? It says the wedding is in a Cathedral - the seat of our Archdiocese. The reception starts at 5pm in a nice, downtown hotel. Are these people from Mars?) MIL suggested that I should back down, because I really cared about the reception, not the wedding. I refused to be in the same room as her after that. She threatened not to pay for the reception anymore, after we added 50 people to the contract to accomodate all her friends that she *had* to invite, since she agreed to pay for the reception.
It was a huge mess. At this point, I'm going to get the cheapest possible invitations and I'm wording them the way I want - after all this stress, I'm not putting their names on the invitations, no matter how much it would make FIL happy. I never liked that idea, because it highlights the fact that my dad died several years ago, and I'm going to hear enough about how nice it would have been if he could see me on my wedding day without pointing it out to everyone three months beforehand. Despite being told this, his dad was still making a huge deal over it, which I thought was really insensitive to my wishes.
So we're getting along now, but I don't trust them. Just wait til we have kids...then I'll have my revenge...Mua ha ha...
HOTTIEWANNABE 4/4/06 9:32 A
Janice- why were your invitations such a big deal to your MIL? I mean did you want an invitation with naked people on it or something:) I guess I am so laid back and my mother and future MIL let me know their opinion, but know I will make my own decision and they will support me whether they agree or not.
My advice is kill with kindness, so just give her the biggest smile and hug her after the "I do's". Maybe tell her how happy you are to be part of the family (that may get her). Don't give her the benefit of knowing you are nervous about her being there. Don't give her the benefit of letting other family members and friends think you are the bad guy. Just kill her with kindness and everything you say, say with a smile. Funny how you can be witty and even rude to a degree as long as you say it sweet and with a smile!!!!!
As my grandmother used to say, "you get more flies with honey".
BELLABLUE 4/3/06 9:34 P
The best advice I can give you is to put yourself in his place. Honestly, put yourself in his shoes and think about what HE IS GOING THROUGH. It will probably change your perspective. What would you think if he hated your mom?
DANCER1007 4/3/06 9:27 P
Chubby's right, they are his family, no matter what he's never gonna get rid of his mother, you have to accept her for what she is, stay away from her for a while. She's obviously going to attend the wedding, and you should not give your fiance trouble for this. sometimes criticizing mother in laws causes a lot more friction between your relationshp with your fiance then is needed, focus on your fiance, and not his mom
BELLABLUE 4/3/06 9:06 P
okay, the bottom line is that they will always be HIS mom and sister, and you may one day be his EX_WIFE. You are not only marrying him, but his family too!!! Trust me, I have put my wedding on hold for 4 YEARS due to this!!! His Mom hated me until she realized that it really doesn't matter what she thinks, it only matters how he feels, and if he feels strongly enough to ask me to spend eternity with him, then it is only a matter of time before she comes around. just hang on, because no one wants THAT black cloud over their wedding!
JANICESKATES 4/3/06 7:00 P
I haven't been getting along well with my future mother-in-law since we started the wedding planning. She hates or has hated every decision I made, every thing I picked. We had an open argument about invitations - the actual printed pieces of paper - for SIX months.
I talked to some older friends who told me that it took them up to 10 years before they had a good relationship with their mother-in-law. Nice, wonderful, easygoing people that I admire could relate to my problems and told me that it just took time.
Right now though, my mother-in-law and I are getting along okay. She started being nice to me the second she heard that I had hurt my hip and needed to have a cortisone injection - all the sudden, she could relate to me, since she has chronic joint problems. Yesterday, I helped her set up her hands free device in her new car. I think we might be back to where we were, pre-invitation scandal...
So, here's my advice: 1) Vent to friends who won't let it get back to her. Be careful with your fiance, make sure he understands not to repeat the wrong thing. Thankfully, my fiance is well aware of the fact that his mother is certifiable, so we talk about it. 2) Your fiance has known his mom a long time. Ask him if there's anything reasonable you can do to mend things. Mothers Day is not that far away, so you can do something nice without it being completely overt that you're trying to suck up. 3) Be respectful of her when you have to interact, and if necessary, ask your fiance to request the same of her. Yes, it's tough to put him in the middle, and he wants his mom to be happy, but in the end, if she doesn't come to the wedding, he'll be disappointed, but still married. If you don't come, well, it's not really a wedding. You don't mean it as a threat, but as a point of what side he needs to put himself on. 4) Avoid her for a while. Ask your fiance to relay questions. Fight the urge to react to percieved slights that she says, or that you hear about later. With time apart, she may forget the strength of her current negative emotions.
My m-i-l sent me a box of cookies as a birthday gift, which I didn't really appreciate, since I want to lose weight. I felt like she was throwing up roadblocks. I felt like it was a cop-out to keep from having to actually talk to me. I felt like she gave me a gift that my fiance was guaranteed to usurp - he ate at least half the cookies. But I wrote her a thank you card anyway and mailed it to her, so that I didn't have to actually talk to her, or risk that she'd reply to my email. The hip injury came up about two weeks later, and she seemed to have completely cooled off from hating me. We hadn't spoken directly in two months. I'm a little bit tentative with her now, but things are so much better than they were!
I hope this helps. There's plenty of time before your wedding day for things to cool down to at least quiet respectfulness, if nothing better. And even if they don't get that good, keep yourself surrounded by friends that day, laugh it off, and remember that someday, you'll have the grandkids and she'll have to try to get along if she wants to see them (and what grandmother doesn't?)!
*BAST* 4/3/06 5:10 P
Hi, I'm a new member and was excited to find this message board. I am getting married in August and on top of the weight issue...my future mother-in-law and sister-in-law absolutly hate me!!! I was physically assulted by my future sister-in-law and now my fiance is not longer talking to her and will not be at the wedding. The problem is that mother-in-law to be and my fiance are still trying to have a relationship and seems to be attending the wedding and I do not know how to handle it!! I've tried everything to be nice to her and she just hates me!! I am afraid that her being there is going to ruin my special day and am in need of some advice!! Please Help!!
