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Hi Ladies,
It's late, late, late (going on 11:00 p.m.) and I've been off the Ambien CR for six days now. Each night gets a little better, but I'm getting to sleep wayyyyyy tooooooo late (like 2:00 a.m. or after) and have to be at work at 8:00 a.m. Fortunately, I work right next door practically from where I live, so it doesn't take me long to get to work. I'm not crazy about living in Lakeland (it is between Orlando and Tampa) but I've been here 2 1/2 years now. Came here because of the job. It's low paying and highly stressful, but I like my boss and I work on a very pretty campus, and I like the people I work around, too, so that helps.
Oh, guess what? My doctor is leaving the practice at the end of November, so I will be getting a new doctor. Guess I don't have to worry about getting any more bad advice from him, huh.
I've been reading through all the posts and man, have you all been busy writing today. Wow. Boy, I can relate to so much you all have been saying. I, too, was a wannabe hippie flower child back in the late 60s and wanted to go to Woodstock but I was still too young. Also, I have suffered from low (LOW) self esteem all my life (and still suffer from it). And now I'm 100 lbs overweight to add to it. That does a real job on my self-esteem. I used to think I was huge when I was only 30 lbs overweight. No man would take a second look at me right now with all that weight on me. I can barely stand to look at my own self. I wear pants all the time because I hate what I look like in a dress or a skirt.
Robin, that is incredible about your girlfriend who has a great self image and weighs around 350 and even married a handsome, great guy. Where did she find him??????
Oh, by the way, I've taken that test on E-Harmony.com and you can be matched up without actually joining but you can't communicate with anyone without joining. But, you can at least see a tiny bit about the men they match you up with. To be honest, there were hardly any men in the 3+ years they have been matching me up (no I never joined and have never paid them any money) that I was compatible with who live in my area. Maybe 10 or so in the past 3 years. So there is no way I'd join and pay all that money because in my age bracket there just aren't hardly any men. Maybe if you lived in a large metropolitan area that might help, but I have Orlando and Tampa close by and there still weren't very many men that I was compatible with. Oh, I never had a picture of myself on there either. I have no good pictures of myself, and my face is so fat right now I'd never use a picture of myself on a dating website. Not even a professional could take a good picture of me at this weight. I am so embarrassed.
So much for that. I can relate to the family issues, too. I am not particularly close to my father (in Iowa) and my two brothers (in Iowa and Oregon), but I communicate with them regularly by phone. They have always thought of me as the "odd duck" in the family because I never married, never had kids, and live sort of a reclusive lifestyle (well, I'm an introvert). Besides, my parents got divorced when I was 10 (back in the 1960s before divorce was popular) and my family got split up. My older brother went to live with Dad, and my younger brother and I lived with Mom. We lived in poverty after the divorce because all my mom could find for work was minimum wage jobs. I don't know how she did it. She died from complications from diabetes when she was 54 (which is my age now) and I still miss her a lot, even after 24 years since she died.
Oh, I'm so sorry and hope this doesn't sound morose. I know, I can tell you more about my little betta fish, Noah. After work today I went out and bought Noah a 1 gallon fish tank to live in. I also bought a couple of small aquarium plants and some very pretty gravel that matches his coloring. Man, I think he thinks he died and went to Heaven. He is swimming all around in it and going in and out of the plants and doing tail spins and all kinds of acrobatics. The tank I first got him was so incredibly small, but that is what the guy at Wal-Mart said to buy, but I felt so sorry for him in that tiny little space where he had so very little room to swim. Now he can swim his little heart out. It is a tank that has a lid on it (because they can jump out of the tank) and there is a tiny light in the lid that I can turn on during the day when I am gone. He is one happy fish. And all I have to do is feed him everyday and change his water once a week.
Isn't that exciting...  (hehehe)
Okay, I'd better try to go to bed now. I enjoy very much reading all your posts, and will try to get better at responding to all the things you all write about. This is a very fun group.
Good Night!
Sara 
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/8/06 10:07 P
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Robin, laughing is good for you so I'm glad I was able to help. 
As for self esteme, I didn't have trouble with my weight until I was in my 30's. However, I was not a pretty girl. I had a crossed eye that was operated on but never was completely straight. I had to wear glasses before I could walk. I had very curly hair when long and straight were the norm. That's not all but that's enough, don't ya think?
When my friends would fasinate about who they would marry and what their wedding would be like (yep, that's what 12-year olds did back then), I stayed out of the conversation because I knew no one would ever choose me. In high school I was soooo shy. I didn't really make any girlfriends until junior year so forget about getting to know any boys.
After school I started to work and I guess I blossomed. I straightened my hair, wore it long, got better glasses and only wore them when I absolutely had to, bought some killer clothes (they are in style again - we called them hip huggers and halter tops) and I looked darn good. I wasn't prepared for all the attention - I had no experience with boys, much less men.
Now, my looks have faded a bit and there are 100 pounds too much of me. So I can relate to having trouble feeling self-assurred and lovable.
But I love me because I am not perfect and because I try to be the best me I can be each day.
nite nite,
Cathi
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Cathi,
You made me laugh. Thanks!
Robin
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My My you ladies have been busy chatting away this evening. I don't even know where to start. I think I'll start with Robin since I can relate to everything she is talking about,. I take terrible photographs and trust me I know. My husband is a photographer and he agrees that the camera does not like all people the same way. I have a pointy chin and if I smile in a picture I look like a witch. If I don't smile I look like a grump. Therefore, you do not see pictures of me on my sparkpage unless I'm in cognito (Maxine). Now as far as self esteem, I congratulate that friend of yours who feels that good about herself. There are people around like that but they are few and far between. Most large people do not think that way of themselves. I know some small people who don't even feel that good about themselves. I think it was a fluke that I ever met my husband but like I said earlier we were just two hippies floating through the air when we met. He made me feel special and that's all it took. After years of always being put down by everone else I figured I was not good and noone would ever want to be with me. My family made me feel that way. Anyway I do relate Robin and I wish you luck in finding whatever it takes to make you happy.
Cathi if we moved to the Southwest it would be Texas. That is where Jeff's family lives. SOme in Dallas, some in San Antonio and at the present time his parents live in Sun City, Georgetown. Would you believe his dad is 93 and still drives and can see well enough to paint. The man is amazing. And yeah a wanna be hippie is fine with me.
Mari my brother and I are not that close and I don't think I would ever want to live in California. Not because of him but I'm just not that thrilled with it. I love your idea of the RV and travelling. That is what we have talked about for years for when we first retire. I want to go all over the US and Canada. I have always wanted to go to Canada. Hubby says it's cause I always liked the Canadian skaters. I have always wanted to travel everywhere but I would start with this country and Canada. So what do you say, shall we go RVing together when we get old? LOL. And I don't feel you were running off of the mouth, at least not any more than I have been today. We must all be in a very talkative mood. I love reading everybody's posts and finding out more and more about each of you. But now I seem to have run out of things to yack about so I'll shut up for now.
Pam
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/8/06 6:49 P
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We lived in Indianapolis at the time and they were in a mall. But a professional could probably do just as good or better. However, this place has costumes and they could do your hair and makeup. They shot him in a suit and in a lab coat (he took his own). They wanted him to put on some leather outfit or dress up like a cowboy but he turned 'em down.
I don't know if that outfit is still around or not.
C
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/8/06 6:45 P
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Robin, I'd have a professional do your pictures unless you know these other folks are really good. If you don't like how they turn our, don't use them.
As to ages of men you could attract - how about a YOUNGER man? Humm? My guy used to date an older woman. My brother married an older woman (they've been married over 35 years. Not all men are looking for a younger woman. Some of them want one who is already grown.
Cathi
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C,
where do you get those glamour shots done?
R
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Cathi,
Yes, you probably missed an earlier post. I would do online dating, if I could get but just one good pix of myself! Grrrr.
Robin
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Mari,
I eat too much protein, too. I think it comes from eating all that meat/cheese/etc when I was on Atkins. Now, 4 oz looks like a snack . . .
Thanks for the vote of confidence re: dating . . . but, what you ladies don't understand is -
1. I'm not even so worried about how my body shows up, compared to my face. I'm telling you, I don't photograph well at all.
2. You're being a little naive here about the guys. You think they're looking for someone like me? They're not. Guys my age are looking for 29-37 max.
The ones who are looking for a 54 yr old are 70+. And I'm a pretty young 54, if I must say so myself. I can't see myself going out with someone over 60 -though I would if they were young at heart.
3. Thank you for your support! I promise to keep working on my goal. I'm too great to go to waste . . . :-)
ps - I love myself for feeling so proud of myself today. I went to a conference and they served mini danish (including cheese, my fave), as well as bran muffins. I ate melon!
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/8/06 6:33 P
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Here I was thinking you all had gone and left me then I checked my post and you'd posted while I was typing, and typing and..........
Ok Robin, another crazy idea. Glamour shots. I've seem pictures they done and been amazed. My guy is a cutie but when he had to have one done for work, they made him look like a movie star. Damn that's a good picture! The right lighting, the right clothing, the right makeup - and it could be fun.
Robin, I would also like to know how your friend got such a positive sense of self. I need a lesson or two myself on that.
C
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/8/06 6:26 P
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Mari, your family sounds nice. We’ve gotten more affectionate over the years. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 1988, my mom started giving him a kiss before she left for work every day. A little hug and a kiss. They never did that when we were growing up. We all started doing it a bit more then, mostly just with our parents – time was our enemy and the attachment so strong yet so very fragile.
Funny thing, I remember now that when I was little, all of us kids used to kiss mom and dad goodnight, every night. As each child reached puberty they must have stopped. Not cool, you know?
Now when we leave for our separate homes every July, there are lots of hugs and kisses and tears. Sometime I wish I were 10 years old again – my oldest sister would have been 16 and still been home and my youngest sister would have been 4. We were poor, we were crowded, I was funny looking, but, boy, those were some wonderful times.
Mari, you said when one of you got in trouble, you all got in trouble? Not that way at our house but I do remember once when my brother, four years older than me, and I got in trouble. We had to sit on chairs next to each other and hold hands. I still remember that – we couldn’t believe mom made us do that! I’ll have to ask him if he remembers that at all. He's probably drived to block that memory!
Back to why we’re here…..
Mari, is your protein too high or too low? If too low, have you ever tried protein powders? Some are pretty good in smoothies. Also, when I make eggs, I use just one whole egg and maybe three whites – lots of protein but not as much fat. Also, if you carry most of your weight in the stomach, I think that means you’re an apple not a pear. I have a hard time telling which is bigger – my stomach (well abdomen really) or my behind. Stomach fat is supposed to be very unhealthy – linked to several cancers and heart disease. Ain’t that good to know! The good thing is we can get rid of it with diet and exercise. With my waist, it means LOTS of both.
Robin, Mari’s post made me think….(a dangerous thing sometimes….). Have you ever thought about using the internet to find a compatible? Seriously, I have seen ads for this e-harmony and it sounds very good. A friend of mine tried it and didn’t have any luck. She finally admitted she got tired – thought the “test” too long, and just started answering willy nilly. She is 40-something, sweet, smart, pretty, yet with such low self-esteem she only attracts losers. I got to tell you, if I weren’t with my guy, I would give it a try. It is supposedly very in depth so you would match with someone you had a lot in common with. Probably a CRAZY idea but I just thought I’d throw it out there.
Sorry this was so long. I think I needed the therapy.
Cathi
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Cathi,
Thank you, and you too Pam. Here's the thing. To start dating - online - I need to post a picture of myself. I don't photograph well. Never did. Even my family jokes about it! So I can't even get started.
Two people offered recently to photograph me - plus I would actually be willing to pay a professional - but I just haven't put any energy into it. Hopefully, I will soon. 
Robin
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Pam,
Ya just gotta love yourself for feeling that you've got an overbloated stomach!
Robin
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Pam,
I have a girlfriend that is and always has been quite large. My guess is around 350ish. She said, when I first met her that "she would be a blessing in any man's life". She's quite a special lady, and married a handsome, great guy!
I've always looked at that and wondered how she got the confidence to say that. I know, deep down, that I would be a blessing in any man's life. But I have to really be honest and open to say that. I'm not explaining this well at all, but I just don't have that confidence that she does.
Robin
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Good morning.... It sure is a pretty day today here. going to be up close to 70 and sunny. Wish i was out in it.. But I'm thankful that I have a job so I can keep a roof over my head!! (Thats positive thinking lol)
I am really bad about coming to this board and leaving it up so I can read everything so when I comment one of you may have posted and i don;t know it yet. Sorry if I miss it ..
Sara- where are you? Come out come out wherever you are... We can't get to know you if your not here..
Cathi - My family is totally opposite of yours. WE are very close and kiss and hug and when we talk on the phone we always say "I love you" before hanging up. My Mom was so demanding on loving your brothers and sisters while growing up. Heck! if one got in trouble we all got in trouble. She still worries about us not getting along. I have to remind her all the time that we are grown and we do have different opinions and will voice them but that does not mean we don't love each other. She thinks we are arguing. So funny.
I started monitoring my protein intake and its not too good. Any suggestions??
Ya know I think I am really going to try and grow some grapevines if permissible in my climate and area. Thanks for the suggestion..
Pam - you stand tall and proud when you tell people you are "57". If I were a betting woman (and I'm NOT) I would bet that in the future when this younger generation reaches 57 the odds will be 1 in 50 they can say that about themselves..
I know that your swimming contributes to the firmness you have. Diet alone only causes flab!!
And the stomach thing I can truly relate. Mine just keeps gettign bigger and bigger. that is the area I hold my weight. So I guess i ahve the pear shaped body?
Do you think you will move to CA. or near by one day? I think about moving somewhere myself. Only after my Mom leaves this earth. Then I have thought about selling everything - get a motor home and with David being in construction he could travel in his work and I could go with him. See the country.. Just a thought.
Lyn - I am not familar with INFJ. Is there a test you take or the Dr gives?? Are you feeling better these days? Doing anymore swimming?
Robin - I did not see Oprah but saw a short clip on Kirtsie coming out on stage. I too thought her thighs were big.. I mean she looked great and I am happy that she was able to lose 75 lbs. (I'm even jelous) so I' m not saying it to be ugly.. I read in that same article that she told she had on stripper panythose and laughed saying she wanted some for her whole body. Maybe they made her look bigger. ??
As for dating you need to get out there. Liek Pam said don't think because your body isn't what you want that no one else will want it.. Older men (that have their senses about them) appreciate the better things in a woman. especially a man that has lost a wife or got a divorce and realize too late what they lost.. Second chances are all alot of people need and want.. And older men have the same quirks we do. You work on that goal and we are here to help you achieve it too.... We all love you!!
Well again - I have ran my mouth way to long.. Sorry for the long post..
being positive keeps you focused and able to  and say "I LOVE ME"
have a great day girls..
Mari
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/8/06 9:50 A
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Really, dating can be fun and exciting. It's, again, all in the attitude. I remember what it was like meeting someone I was attracted to and finding out they felt the same, the flirting, the anticipation. Maybe instead of focusing on how hard it is to find a good guy and all that getting to know you stuff and then maybe it won't work out, you could focus instead on all the interesting people you will meet and the enjoyment you'll get out of spending time with them and letting them get to know you.
And I have to tell you, while we women are complaining about how hard it is to find a nice guy, men are complaining about how hard it is to find a nice woman.
So really, Robin, you are the sweet, bright, funny, intriguing, sexy woman some sweet guy is waiting for. Looking at it in another light makes it sound like an exciting adventure. And, of course, we'll want all the juicy details. 
Cathi
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/8/06 9:30 A
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I always wanted to be a hippie but I was stuck in high school - a rural high school - when so much was happening in the big-city colleges and universities. I tried to start a student newspaper but we got shut down before we even started. One teacher was threatening to sue and we hadn't printed a word! I was the first female to wear slacks to school (had to be a coordinating pant suit). The very next day my male cousin and his best friend wore skirts to school. Yeah, he is still a jerk.
So I'm an old wanna-be hippie. Will that do?
I haven't been doing my I-love-myself exercises and I think I could use them today. For no reason at all I feel really down. Maybe it's the weather.
Pam, I'm sorry you are unhappy living in the Mid-West. It's where I'd like to be (I think). I'm stuck out in VA where I know few people and have no friends though I've been here over 5 years and just got my 3-yr svc award yesterday at work. We would like to find a place with a moderate climate and good places to walk. My fellow just can't make up his mind. I'd like to go back to IL mainly because my mom is 85 and I'd like to see her more often. Four of my brothers and sisters are there too plus other relatives and old friends. But I have to work and the job market there is tight. So here I stay.
Where in the SW is your hubby's family? Oh, and that info wasn't boring at all btw. 
Well, I need to get busy. I'll check in soon.
Pam, if you like tulips, you should see Keukenhof, The Netherlands - amazing place. They have a public garden there that is unbelievable. We went by train and the fields in the area looked like ribbons of color - all different colors of flowers - mostly tulips. A little closer to home though is Holland, MI. Never been there but have been pictures and it looks awesome too.
Cathi
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Hey Robin I was responding while you were responding. That's great there are at least 2 old hippies here. Something else we have in common.
From one old hippie to another, have a great day.
Yes, I am trying to do the I love myself for feeling _______________ but it's hard to love my overbloated stomach. I'm working on it.
Pam
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Robin, I agree with Cathi that I don't know if I could or would want to adjust to someone else after so long. However, I also know what loneliness can do tosomeone as we get older. Guess I see that everyday at work and I imagine you do too. So I don't blame you for wanting someone in your life to shre things with. I wish you the best and I hope you succeed. Let's both work on what we really want you to find that special someone and me to get out of this job. Cathi is also right that at our age men aren't necessarily looking for the looks as much as they are looking for compatibility, so don't put too much pressure on yourself with the weight thing thinking you can't find that special someone unless you lose weight. Your winning personaility will shine through.
Pam
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Pam,
I'm an old hippie too! Oh boy, if I only knew now . . .
Are you doing the "I love myself for feeling _____" exercises?
It's hard - It's hard to remember. But keep trying if you can!
Robin
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Hi Cathi,
That's just the thing - it is a pain to go thru the dating and getting to know someone stuff . . . but to have someone in the kitchen cooking - wow! It's probably different for me also, bc I've been alone since 1990. Which really is too young to be alone. I am determined to both lose weight and date in the next year!
Lyn, I think I'm an INFJ. Does that sound right? I haven't looked at that in a long time . . .
Here's my thought:
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
-- Janis Joplin
Have a great day!
Robin
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Good Morning,
I have a whole new day in front of me and it is mine to do with as I choose. I can decide to make good decisions or I can decide to make poor decisions. It is my choice and I will accept whatever I choose for today. At this point I am choosing to make good decisions but we shall see as the day wears on.
So, Sara did you know that fish are kind of like tranquilizers. If you watch them they are suppose to calm you down and help lower the blood pressure. Maybe your little fishy will help you sleep better. I only know this because my cardiologist has a large fish tank in his waiting room, where he usually makes me wait for an hour and I hate to wait. He told me to watch the fish and I wouldn't get so agitated. That's what he thinks. I am extremely impatient and I hate to wait for anything.But I do enjoy watching the fish. They are rather amusing.
Cathi I don't have a really big yard but I have a large space in front of my house and I want to make sure I have lots and lots of tulips. They are my favorite flower. I'm not shy once I get to know people and I have learned to relax with all of you, but I have to admit it was very difficult for me to make that first post and I almost didn't. The main reason I did was it was new and there were very few people on it and nobody new each other so I felt comfortable.
Robin, stupidity brought me back to the Midwest. I am originally from this area and I had moved to Mass after I decided to drop out of college since I wasn't learning anytning except how to party. I met sombody from Nantucket and so we moved out there for about a year. What a culture change. When I met my hubby and after we got married we didn't have much and no family out East. We decided it was no way to start a marriage so we moved back here originally for 5 years. But then he got a job with the government and it was the 80's and not a good time to try and relocate so we got stuck here. And here we are 30 years later. We were just young, stupid hippies from the 60's. I did eventually go back to school and get my accounting degreee. Now I stay in this area because of my father, the only family I have left other then a brother out in California. When my father is gone we will probably move to the Sourthwest closer to Jeff's family. Oh this is boring stuff let's not talk about it.
I have decided after taking inventory that there are several goods things about my body that I can readily accept so it is time to start learning to accept the parts that I hate. Mainly my stomach. My doctor told me no matter how much weight I lose it is never going to go completely away so I have to learn to accept it. This is the hardest thing for me to do. So that is what I am working on accepting and loving(?) and actually the rest of me is not too bad for a 57 year old. I look better than some of these 30 and 40 year olds that I work with.
Self-trust is the first secret of succes. So believe in and trust yourself. (Peale)
Pam
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/7/06 9:48 P
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I haven’t posted in a while it seems. So I’m catching up on posts from Sunday evening on.
Pam, I hope the weather cooperates and you can get those tulip bulbs in tomorrow. It will be lovely some spring – that’s a LOT of tulips! Do you have a large yard?
I thought JoAnna was from IA but wasn’t sure. I used to live in Dubuque and we drove through the quad cities often. She must have touched a lot of people to have a day named in her honor. A very nice tribute.
Yes, I consider myself very lucky to have the family I do. There are seven of us children (Mom calls us her lucky 7, ranging in age from 61 to 45. My dad died in 1992. We all get along pretty well but we aren’t the touchy, feely type. I remember when I graduated from college, my brother gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. I was stunned. That was a lot of affection for him to show. Now we are all older and don’t see each other very often (three of us live out of state) so when we do get together there are a few hugs (and tears). Having grown up in a big family, I have no idea what anything else would be like. It wasn’t always easy but I’m glad it was the family I was given.
Sara, I hope you get the insomnia thing worked out. I’ve suffered from that since I was a teenager. I’ve never really taken medication other than otc like Tylenol pm. I was prescribed some hydroxyzine for something else and one of the side effects is that it makes you drowsy. I use it occasionally to help me get to sleep. But I know how frustrating it can be to not be able to get to sleep and it makes it so hard to function well the next day – it’s like a vicious circle. I hope your doctor will listen to you and help you get this figured out. Or, as Pam suggested, it might be time to find another doctor. And a job that is so stressful that it’s keeping you up nights? Maybe it's time to look for a different job too!
Loved your “fish story.” Pets do a body good. I’m glad you decided to get Noah. We don’t have any pets either and I think it would do us both a world of good to have a dog but the dog would need room – I feel sorry for these big dogs in these little apts.
You don’t have to be more chatty. Just be Sara, she sounds nice.
Mari, we love you too. You can say that to yourself when you need a lift. Good for you eating breakfast! Do you eat any protein? That is supposed to help you feel full for a bit longer.
The twinkle lights on the wisteria sounds really pretty. We had a grapevine behind our house when I was little – concord grapes. Bees too but that’s nature. I have to buy them at the store now – grapes, not bees – all the way from New York. I have some in my fridge right now. With your love of wine, Mari, maybe you could start with a few vines and who knows, maybe start a little vinyard…..
Pam, I would never have guessed you to be shy and introverted. Your posts suggest funny, smart, insightful, savvy. I’m glad too that Robin started this thread and that we all found it. I’m on two other threads – two challenges, but being here is like being with friends. There is a lot of kindness and caring here. Maybe we aren’t all competing for getting in the most crunches everyday but there is support and understanding here.
Lyn, glad to hear that family is doing ok. It's been so long since I look that test but I think I also am a ISFJ. We are a pretty great bunch, don't you think?
Take it easy on the shoveling even though it is really good exercise. You were swimming too, weren't you?
Robin, you are an interesting, bright, funny lady. One good thing about being our age (I think anyway) is that guys aren't just looking for looks. A mature man is more interested in your mind. Or am I full of it? If I found myself alone again, I think I'd like it that way. I don't think I'd want to go through the dating and getting to know someone stuff again. That is so much work! But then, he is in the kitchen making vegetable kugel and lots of this-stuff-is-so-good sounds so I don't know.
Sorry for the long post. I'll try to keep up with y'all better from here on out.
nite,
Cathi
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