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ROADTOFREEDOM
11/16/06 12:37 P
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Hi everyone,
The operation was for hubby and he had a large growth removed from his thyroid, along with half the thyroid. The doctor had originally expressed concern about the position and size and we were concerned about the nerves, his speech etc. But, the operation was successful and hubby is almost healed up. The growth was benign and all is all.
I got on the scales this morning. Oops. We've been eating in restaurants this week and at this point I'm up 3 pounds. Even though I don't feel that I've been eating that much and made sure I ate light meals in the evenings, the calories in the restaurant meals are just too much.
You know, when I post here I often feel that I have so much that I want to say and then sometimes I don't know where to start.
One of things about the lack of self-esteem for me is that now that I'm not a kid anymore, I feel like I was given so many gifts and that I have squandered them along the way. But have I really? Maybe I've always been doing just what I was supposed to be doing. Maybe I'm doing it right now.
Robin, the guy who loves you...and he's out there...won't care a rat's tail if you snore. We all snore and the older we get, the more the volume gets cranked up.
My ramblings about my life...When I was in my late 30s my father died after a lengthy illness, my then-husband found another woman and we divorced, and I was offered a promotion that required a transfer to another city where I knew no one. I took the job and moved.
I had no single friends or co-workers at that time of my life. They were all married. I met a guy and had a "rebound" thing that lasted about a year. I was lonely and afraid. My boss was a jerk. Office politics were horrible and I don't play office politics well. I worked 50 hour weeks and went to school as well. I rarely slept because I had horrible panic attacks at night (not during the day thank the universe). Physically the pain was sitting in my cell tissue (I believe) because I developed bad chest pains that had no physical cause.
Robin, it's sounds to me like you are so far ahead of where I was emotionally and spiritually at that time of my life. I had much to do.
Man, was I in emotional pain. Forty years of repressed emotion.
After the rebound thing, I had decided that I needed to take a relationship fast and while I was doing that there were a lot of emotional issues that I worked on.
During my relationship fast, I journaled and cried. I visualized and meditated. I walked miles by myself and spent hours at the Y. I read all the self-help I could. I found a small but good group for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I learned about addictive behaviour and co-dependency.
I made a detailed list of what I wanted to find in my partner. I got the idea from a self-help book. Then I decided that the list was of qualities that I wanted to cultivate in myself. I set my intention and then let it go to the universe. Somehow I managed to let go of wanting to control that part of my life. The first step of the 12 steps.
It was about a year later. Although I had used a home computer for 10 years, I was just starting to use the internet at work. I upgraded my home computer and got the internet.
I didn't even know that there was such a thing as internet dating. When I was surfing I stumbled across this dating site and posting an ad was free, so I wrote an essay on a Saturday night when I had nothing better to do.
When hubby and I met it was on a site that doesn't even exist anymore. It might have been absorbed by match.com, I'm not sure. It was 7 years ago.
The rest is our history together. The story is a series of amazing and synchronistic events.
Talk to you later,
Lyn
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found this today ....
Pursuing Your Dream
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How to set goals that are satisfying and still yours
by Psychology Today.com
Everyone wants to get satisfaction out of his or her job. After all, we spend so much time at work. But it's a little hard to achieve if you're pursuing someone else's dream and not yours. There's nothing like having to drag yourself into work day in and day out if it is giving you little meaning.
To be successful, you have to be honest with yourself about what you truly want. Many people lose touch with what they want. Still others have never considered their own genuine desires.
Now is a good time to stop and ask what will give your work life meaning.
Maggie Craddock, executive coach and author of The Authentic Career, sees her share of clients who don't have a clue. For some, what they really want has never even occurred to them.
"To achieve your career goals, you must be clear about what they are and why they are meaningful for you," she says. Therefore you need to create a work life that is in tune with your talents and desires.
Here, Craddock offers a few tips to help you find your way:
Separate your desires from goals dictated by others. It's about what you want, not what they want.
Distinguish your personal values from those of your family and others in your life. Your parents, for example, may value ambition and a high-power career, but it may not be what you want.
Likewise, make sure you are defining your success, not your parents or spouse.
Make sure you are competing with your own best self, not with others—such as siblings, peers, or even your mate.
Harmonize private desire with public goals. The things that give you joy and meaning should be in tune with your goals.
Learn to use intuition and intelligence in tandem. Let them reinforce each other. This may help crystallize your vision.
Understand the role that financial considerations have played in your career choices.
Network and build peer support. This will help you see yourself more clearly.
If you have a partner, formulate a fair and clear agreement concerning time spent on family and work. Make sure you want the same things in life.
Know your emotional triggers. For example, if you have a boss who tends to blow up, don't set yourself up to be the target of his tirade. Otherwise it will trigger your own issues and further cloud your vision.
Get in tune with your body. Physical responses such as shallow breathing and a rapid heartbeat may consume you in tense work situations. These responses suppress feelings and make it hard for you to see clearly.
Even if you are reasonably content with your career now, know that the world keeps changing. Keep your eyes and mind open. Otherwise good opportunities may pass you by.
If you have a dream, such as writing a novel, keep plugging away and don't be distracted. It's easy to say, "I don't have time."
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Cathi,
I love reading your posts. You have so many times put into words what my heart and mind are saying..
Our childhoods were similar and what we felt as a child are the same. No self-esteem as Robin and Lyn have pointed out. No one there to give it to us. Why is that ? You would think our mothers would have told us we were pretty and special or something. I can remember last summer my sister (6 yrs older) and I were talking and she started crying because she never ever remembers my Mom telling her she was cute/pretty/special or anything. She can remember her telling one of the other siblings but not her.. She too lacks self-esteem but is so strong willed never backed down to anyone growing up so she has backbone..
I feel like a mouse in a cage trying to hide behind a peice of lint..
Finding Robin's blog is really been some great therapy for me..
Mari
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/16/06 11:01 A
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Mari, from the questions you were shooting at Robin, maybe you should consider "match maker" as a possible dream or, at least, alternate career!
  
Cathi
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/16/06 10:56 A
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Hello,
Yesterday I wrote out my post in word but left work without posting it. Once I got home, there was no way I could remember all the wonderful things I wanted to say. So I decided to wait until this morning. 
Pam, I’m so glad you have your swimming even if you do have to get up before the crack of dawn.
Lyn, I’m so happy to hear that it was benign. That has to be a real relief for you.
Well, now what? As Sara asked, “How does one go about finding dreams at this age?” Now, from what I heard, Dr Phil would say we know what our dreams are, we just won’t admit it. I don’t know. When I was little all the moms were stay-at-home moms and everybody’s parents were married. Moms took care of the kids, the house, the garden, cooking, shopping, etc. Lots of work but you didn’t have to apply and have references! Anyway, without going into what their lives were really like, if they were happy, etc., lets just say that I thought that was what was waiting for me too. That or becoming a nun – in case nobody chose me, ya know? Like Lyn I was told I was funny looking from a very early age – not family but other kids, so I didn’t think I’d ever be a bride. When I was in about 7th grade I decided I wanted to be a nun or go into the Army. Either one would mean I wouldn’t have to decide how to do my hair, what to wear, or what to do – it would be decided for me. Funny enough, when I voiced this to adults at the time, no one took me in hand to tell me there were other choices. All the girls then wanted to be teachers or nurses because that is all we saw women doing in our rural area in the early 60’s.
There are surely books on the subject and internet sources as well as seminars and lectures. I know how to make a list of wants or wishes: I want to be thinner, I want to win the lottery, I want to own my own home again, etc. A dream is surely more than that isn’t it? Ok, so I always thought it looked so fun to do commercials. And acting looked fun too. Does that mean I should move to LA and become a waitress until I get discovered? Once I found out I was smart, I thought I should be a professional but had no idea what to do next after getting my BA, partly because I really had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. No one in my family had ever even gone to college. So after graduation with honors, I went back to my job in accounting at a small, family owned dept/hardware store. I'm not really any further ahead now after 26 years.
Robin, a friend of mine never knew she snored until she, her sister, and I shared a hotel room one night. It was unbelievable! Yet, her husband had never complained (to her). She found out she had sleep apnea. She needed to lose weight - carried a lot of weight in her mid-section - and use a C-Pap machine. She didn't like it but it was better than stopping breathing in the middle of the night.
It explained why she was always so tired. Between the snoring and the interrupted breathing she didn't get good quality sleep.
Bear taped me snoring once, the cad! He put a micro-cassette recorder on my chest and taped me. It was loud! My weight is even higher now so I'm sure I still snore. He used to when his weight got over 200 but now that he is down to about 168, he doesn't snore any more. AND HE DRINKS WINE DAILY! He drinks watered-down red wine for it's health value. I've never heard that wine could cause snoring but I never heard that dairy could either. I try to keep him away from that anyway - lactose intolerant!
I'll give you all a breather before my next post.
Cathi
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If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep.
Dale Carnegie
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Pam,
You sure are being quiet! You okay? Anything bothering you that you need to talk about?
how's the business going? Any prospects for Thanksgiving?
You go swimming this morning?
I had bunko last night and one of the girls asked me about my "dream" - party planner! I totally forgot that!! Now why is that? That IS a dream!!
Mari
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Good morning,
Robin you said
AND let's start loving and nurturing our body. NOW. At this size. We don't have to wait until we reach some desired weight. We need to come to full acceptance of the bod right now.
Do I agree? Yes I do completely. We need to nurture our body as well as our inner self. I just have let my inner self go for worry so much about the outside. I have days that I'm okay with this weight and then I have days I hate it. So I have to learn how to nurture both at the same time.
As for your snoring - I never snored until about 2 years ago. Sure its embarrasing but your not alone. Many women snore. You haven't woke your own self up yet have you? LOL.. (I have) And I'm with Pam - I don't think a glass of wine is the culprit..
And like Pam said - there's a man out there wondering if a woman will ever want him because of his snoring. I have heard a few and they can rock a house with the snoring.. But do have the test done!!
You are going to meet someone and thats not going to matter. You just need to get out there. You can't meet anyone at home - unless you go online.. (hint)
You now know what you don't want and know the signs when you attracted a loser.. But you've got to get your feet wet some time... Have you worn your size 10 pants lately? Get them out of the drawer and put them on. Can you wear heels? Boots? Whats the best color on you? Help yourself "FEEL" pretty...
When you go out to dinner with your friend is she single or married? Where do you usually go? Where its all couples?? Change your place to eat. Is your town small?
Sorry for all the questions but curious minds want to know..
Mari
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Lyn, I too must have missed something. Who has a benign what and I am glad that whatever it was turned out to not be serious.
Pam
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OK Robin, the test is not all that bad. My husband went through it and the dumb doctor we had at that time never even discussed anything with him after the test. When my hubby called he just said get the machine. Well we didn't. Yes your doctor is right if you lose some weight the snoring will not stop but it will decrease. Do you drink a lot of milk or eat a lot of dairy products. I read that that can cause a lot of the snoring and sure enough, my husband lost some weight and cut way back on the dairy and the snoring decreased enough so that I could sleep most nights. When we go and have ice cream he always eats too much and sure enough that night he snores a lot. I don't really think one glass of wine is going to make any difference. Granted I'm not a doctor but I have learned to never trust the opinion of just one doctor. Do get the test and if you really do have sleep apnea you're right get the machine. ANd who knows maybe you will find a man who also has a machine and is thinking who would want an old man with a machine. Get my point. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself and dveything will fall in place. Maybe not the way we want or think it should but the way it is suppose. I try really hard to live by the saying "Let Go and Let God". Now I don't always do that but I try. Good Luck.
Pam
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Good morning everyone,
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss
Robin
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Ladies,
Okay, last post for the night. I went to a doctor today. My primary care recommended I see him regarding sleep issues. I may have sleep apnea.
So, they're going to do a sleep study on me. I go to a hospital and spend the night. Someone watches me and there are probes and stuff. Yuck.
Here's the part I don't want to share. The doctor told me that if I were to stop drinking my 1 glass of wine at night, and if I were to lose weight, the problem would probably clear up. Unless it truly is apnea, in which case you can just shoot me. Better that than connect me to some weird machine to sleep at night.
This is probably another reason I haven't pushed the dating thing. What guy would want to be with a woman that snores?
Ugg, filled with shame. I love myself even though I'm overweight and I snore.
I do. Really!
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Mari,
You wrote:
I need to stop thinking that if I look a certain way everythings going to be alright. LOOKS haven't a damn thing to do with it. Its okay to be overweight. Its not healthy but its okay. My BODY likes me at this size. Age changes alot of people. Some stay small some grow, thats all part of God's plan.. But whats inside needs to grow. I need to nurture my inner self. I need to feed that inner soul. and the only way is with LOVE..
I'm with you on most of this. I agree that your body likes you at that size. However, the point is, do you like your body at this size? I think that's what we need to work towards and the rest will follow. Yes, nurture yourself, your inner self, etc. , AND let's start loving and nurturing our body. NOW. At this size. We don't have to wait until we reach some desired weight. We need to come to full acceptance of the bod right now.
Do you agree?
Robin
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Lyn,
Yes, that decision that we were "less than" - that's about our lack of self esteem. I believe many of us have that. And yes, I'm right there with you
in terms of "co-dependent relationships".
I must have missed somehting. What surgeon? Who, what's going on? What is benign? I'm so glad it is! Let us know what the dr. said.
Robin
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Good habits result from resisting temptation.
Ancient Proverb
My goodness! I felt like I was reading my diary!!
Unbelievable. Not ever really putting into words my thoughts and feelings I had no idea just how "confused" I am (I chose that word very carefully) ..
I must add that I have always felt that I was to "act" a certain way, "speak" a certain way and I have never truly been myself. I came so close when I first met my husband who encouraged me but somehow has fell short.
Robin you mentioned finding the men who "you" can fix. Thats my main problem. Except with David or maybe I'm lying to myself.
i just know that all my life I always thought (or was that my dream?) I should be a "Cinderella" so to speak. I was never all that smart. alot of common sense but forget the books. I remember crying because I was in vacation Bible school trying to memorize a chapter and couldn't do it. I prayed about it and still when it came time to recite it I failed. From then on I had alot of doubts. Then growing up with 2 older sisters and 2 younger brothers never helped. Whatever my two older sisters did wrong (like not paying for a car the parents bought etc) I was the one that got punished because when it came my turn they said "NO!" been there done that ! BUT Then when brothers grew up THAT IS DIFFERERNT! they are boys and yes my parents said that!! So I did not even get my drivers liscense until I was 21 years old and only because I taught myself to drive.(would let my brother use my apartment with his GF) so I could practice in his car around my little neighborhood.
Ok I'm rambling! Just that alot of things rushed to my mind when I was reading your posts. Suppressed things and having ya'll to understand and to have felt these feelings too is remarkable.
I really have my work cut out for me. I don't want the next 25 years to be like my past 50.. I want to be happy and what I look like is not the answer. What I have inside is my answer. I need to stop thinking that if I look a certain way everythings going to be alright. LOOKS haven't a damn thing to do with it. Its okay to be overweight. Its not healthy but its okay. My BODY likes me at this size. Age changes alot of people. Some stay small some grow, thats all part of God's plan.. But whats inside needs to grow. I need to nurture my inner self. I need to feed that inner soul. and the only way is with LOVE..
I think I am starting to get it!!
Mari
p.s. thanks for the "rant"
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ROADTOFREEDOM
11/15/06 9:36 A
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Mornin'
Robin, I did the same thing. I found loser guys too. When I was very young there were certain events and interactions that took place and I made the decision that I was "less than". I found these fixer up progjects, made the relationships my focus, and tried with every thing I had to bind them to me so they wouldn't leave me. Of course they usually betrayed me and left me in the end. Then I felt like the Victim and the Martyr in it all.
Could I allow myself to feel the fear that I am not worthy of love for as long as I need to?
Could I let it go?
Would I? When?
Today we're off to the city to see the surgeon. We heard from our local physician and he said that it was benign, which was good news.
Take care all,
Lyn
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Good morning everyone,
Well, it seems as if week 2, and thoughts of dreams, have kicked up stuff for most of us. Is it that we don't want to dream bc we don't want the responsibility if they don't come true?
When I woke up this morning, I realized I hadn't been working week 1. I love myself even when I'm feeling discouraged. I love myself when I feel lonely.
I love myself when I overeat, and I love myself no matter what.
I have dreams of being with someone who can love and support me. I have
dreams of being my perfect weight and feeling strong and healthy.
Years ago, I would find a man who "needed" me. I'd invest all this energy in fixing him up. If I did that, then he'd love me, right? Of course, I wasn't at all sure who "me" was, because I had given up so much of myself, and was simply bankrupt. After many years of investing in pathetic, loser men, I decided to invest in myself instead. Now, I have a huge, firm sense of self. There's too much of me to give myself up or abandon myself. There is a me. Now I dream of the other. :-) I still dream. I'm sorry I'm not as little and cute and young as I used to be, but I'm ready now and believe that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
On my way . . .
Robin
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Hi Everyone,
Well here I am again, a few days late. Thanks for the info for "Week Two," Robin, but I concur with Cathi and Mari that I, too, never had any dreams (other then marrying my Prince Charming, who never came along) growing up. And I have no dreams now. I never dreamed about a career of any kind (so I do menial work that is less then thrilling but pays the bills). I have only dreamed about finding Prince Charming, and then everything else was supposed to fall into place after that. Never mind that my parents divorced when I was 10 so I should have known better about looking for Prince Charming, but nobody in the school system I grew up in cared about what happened to me. No guidance counselors, no teachers, no nobody. I had no mentors, and I ran with a rough crowd for a while.
But so much for that. How does one go about finding dreams at this age? I don't even know where to look or even what to look for. And, I'm still working (very hard) on Week One. Haven't got it down yet. The mirror always shocks me. How did I ever get to be this big? And it's like it happened so suddenly.
Oh, Cathi, I LOVED the Maxine quote from the pastor's sermon about the worms. Love it, love it, love it. That Maxine always knows what to say.
I found out today that I will be spending Thanksgiving Day alone with my little Noah. I was supposed to have dinner with another single friend here in Lakeland, but she decided to go to West Palm Beach over the holiday, so, alas, I will be alone. I tried to find some places here in Lakeland that might need someone to help serve Thanksgiving dinner but no luck. I've done that before on the holiday and it is a good feeling to help others and a pleasant way to spend the holiday. Last year I went home for Thanksgiving, but not this year.
Well, my work week is going okay so far and I've been sleeping a little better. Have been off the Ambien CR for a week and a half now. The stress on the job comes in cycles and will start back up again in December through to the end of January.
My little Noah does cheer me up when I get home from work. He scoots to the front of the tank to greet me when I come home. Isn't that cute?
Hope you all have a great Wednesday. I'll be working on Week One and Week Two, but I'm open for suggestions about coming up with a dream.
Sara
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ROADTOFREEDOM
11/14/06 9:22 P
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Why didn't I have big dreams...I just don't know? I never had the dream of pioneering something big or traveling the world or being a professional of any kind or a star or anything...
Why was that? I just wanted to find a tribe that would accept me and that was all I wanted.
Now that I'm (ahem) almost 50, I want to be independent. I don't care so much about *belonging*. What is that anyway? I belong here. I was born so that means I belong here.
I wonder how many kids today feel that way...No big dreams...just wanting to feel like they belong somewhere.
Or were there big dreams? Dreams that I've forgotten? Dreams that I was afraid to have?
Robin, I wish that there was something I could do to help you.
Cathi, Interesting...Is that what we did? Did we take on some kind of "damsel" position so that we wouldn't have to dream the big dreams and go out in the world and do what it takes to make our dreams happen. Did we want to pass the responsibility of our happiness off onto someone else?
Mari, Good for you...Dance like nobody is watching! LOL
Pam, I'm glad you found someone who did believe in you. Sometimes it only takes one.
And, I hope my musings aren't depressing...
But then, that is the point, isn't it. To deal with our emotional demons so that we can love ourselves, dream the dreams, and LIVE our lives instead of just going through the motions.
Hand in hand, together we can.
Lyn
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Hi guys,
Cathi, I sure do hear you and know where you're coming from. I still have that book on my bookshelf! Life is so weird. . .
I'm in a strange place. I'm under a lot of pressure at work. I'm lonely. I'm eating more than I'd like. And something I'm not sure I can put into words . . .
but I'm uncomfortable with myself.
Maybe it has to do with dreaming. I've been having such a hard time visualizing for the longest time. They say that if you visualize what you want it will become a reality. Maybe that's why I'm so stuck, 'cause I can't dream. I don't know.
Thank goodness tomorrow is another day.
Robin
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Cathi, I grew up much the same way you did. Here in the Midwest as you know, it was only proper and common for little girls to grow up and get married. Well I never thought I would get married as I always believed I was too dumb, fat and ugly. Words that were used by various members of my family to describe me. My life started when I went away to college and got out from under the wicked stepmother's influence. I started to make friends and live my life the way I wanted. I didn't necessarily make some of the best choices but they were my choices. I did not get married until I was 27 and that is considered old for this part of the country. However, I was living in Boston at the time and it was an acceptable age. Most of my dreams have become true or within reach because I found that one person who believed in me and gave me the courage to succeed. Now I am rambling and not making sense. I just wanted you to know I know exactly where you are coming from. Now I need to go get ready for bed as tomorrow is my 3AM morning.
Talk to you in the morning and I hope you have pleasant dreams tonight at least.
Pam
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LILMSMUFFIN
11/14/06 7:28 P
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A long time ago I bought the book, Cinderella Complex, and tried to read it. I decided it would have made a good article but there wasn't enough there for a book. What I can remember is that the premise was that little girls are reared to believe that life will start when they find their prince. I totally believe that is how my sisters and I were raised. Three of us never married - talk about odd ducks! My mother has admitted it is embarassing because all of her friends's children are married and have children of their own.
Anyway, Cinderella doesn't have to have goals, she doesn't need a career, she doesn't even need to plan. Things are just going to happen for her (to her) right? So, none of us ever made any plans and I don't think I ever knew what a goal was other than in sports. Looking back, I realize that even though I claimed not to buy into any of that, I did. Even though I thought I was too ugly and too dull to attract anyone, deep inside I was waiting to start living until "he" came along.
So when people talk about making dreams come true, I have to admit I don't know what mine are or if I ever even had any. Real dreams that is. I thought life would turn out a certain way and bring me certain things. It didn't. Those weren't dreams or goals, just expectations based on what I'd seen women's lives to be like.
Gosh, I'm rambling. I don't know if I'm making my thought very clear or not. This is a hard subject for me.
This group has really become special to me.
Cathi
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Thanks Cathie I needed that laugh. I've been a little down lately and that helped.
As far as dreams go you're right Lyn I am trying to make my dream a reality, even if it is slow going. So I am already working on my big dream, now if I could just get week one down I'd be doing really well. I have a lot of trouble with loving myself all the time. I can say it but I know deep down I don't mean it and that's not going to help any.
Mari I would love to go to those dance lessons but my husband is a poop when it comes to dancing. The one thing he does not care to do. I thought when we got older he might change but not as of this date. So I will have to put those on hold for now. But you go and enjoy.
Other dreams that I have at this time are mostly ones for after retirement. The travelling in an RV around the US and Canada and the 27 days cruise to Alaska. Those are my two biggies. So time will tell.
Have a good evening.
Pam
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