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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 SparkPoints: (283,622)
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10/23/14 3:23 P

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Fitness trainer: A person who lives off the fat of the land.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/23/14 10:47 A

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A blue jay thought he would try his wing as a blues singer, but it didn't work out. He found his niche as the local constable. A bluebird thought he would be a great psychotherapist, but his perch-side manner, shall we say, exerted negative pressure. Whenever a patient told of his sorrows, the bluebird would say, "You think YOUR troubles are making you blue, look at me!"

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10/23/14 12:22 A

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A crow in a phone booth didn't have any money, so he had to make a collect caw.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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10/22/14 3:15 P

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One way to improve your memory is to lend people money.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/21/14 6:58 P

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Oh, WhiteCat, thanks for the shout out! I'm thinking I should change my name to 'Old Sobersides.' I'm seeing funny things going on around me, but they're not joke material. And, of course, there's nothing as elusive as a joke when you're trying to think of one.

Okay: what's a hink-dink for the motto of a frightened polecat? 'Think stink.' And a hink-dink for what you get when you frighten a polecat? 'Skunk funk.' And when you make hinky-hinky-dinks about the scent of polecats? "Stinky hinky dinks."

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10/21/14 2:41 P

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Okay, I am going to post this joke here, BUT, you have to promise not to get your pins out and start sticking them in a voodoo doll of me.
This one is cornier than a Nebraska cornfield!! (And I have been in them, I know!)

Here goes:

What did the big floor lamp say to the little night-light? emoticon emoticon

"Wire you insulate?"

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PITTER6's Photo PITTER6 SparkPoints: (59,911)
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10/21/14 1:34 P

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You know that you are too old to trick or treat is when you knock on your own front door.

Lord, bless my diet buddies and help me met my 2014 weight goals of 60 pounds.
Co-Leader "Keep it Simple"


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10/21/14 12:20 A

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What do you get if you cross a snake with a plane? A Boeing Constrictor.

Hey, where's that horsie?

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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ACTIVEBUTSTILL's Photo ACTIVEBUTSTILL Posts: 37
10/20/14 2:34 P

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Thank you!!!!! emoticon

My screen name is not very positive BECAUSE IVE TRIED SO HARD FOR SO LONG but I am trying to keep moving forward with my tiny baby steps...changed it from weary skeptic to a more positive desire to be still in my spirit and active in my body!


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10/20/14 2:21 P

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what do you get if you combine a snake with a rabbit? A jumping rope

Lord, bless my diet buddies and help me met my 2014 weight goals of 60 pounds.
Co-Leader "Keep it Simple"


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10/20/14 5:24 A

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Sunbathing: A fry in the ointment.

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ACTIVEBUTSTILL's Photo ACTIVEBUTSTILL Posts: 37
10/19/14 3:20 P

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White...you are great too! Thanks

My screen name is not very positive BECAUSE IVE TRIED SO HARD FOR SO LONG but I am trying to keep moving forward with my tiny baby steps...changed it from weary skeptic to a more positive desire to be still in my spirit and active in my body!


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10/19/14 2:15 P

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Did you hear about the bowling team called "Lightning?" They got lots of strikes.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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ACTIVEBUTSTILL's Photo ACTIVEBUTSTILL Posts: 37
10/19/14 1:44 P

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Pickers98 thanks for doing these

My screen name is not very positive BECAUSE IVE TRIED SO HARD FOR SO LONG but I am trying to keep moving forward with my tiny baby steps...changed it from weary skeptic to a more positive desire to be still in my spirit and active in my body!


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10/19/14 7:54 A

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Which part of the highway freezes first? The cold shoulder.

SIX YEARS SPARKING!!

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10/18/14 6:25 A

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Bowling alley: A place where pin pals meet. emoticon

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10/18/14 6:24 A

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Oh, Whitecat!! She is lucky she did not get squashed! emoticon

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10/17/14 5:33 P

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My neighbor Peter put his wife in a pumpkin shell. When she escaped and told her friends about it, they all said she was out of her gourd.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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ANNEMARIA6's Photo ANNEMARIA6 SparkPoints: (36,328)
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10/17/14 1:56 P

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The not so bright fellow was asked " What were the best 5 years of your life?"
He replied "Grade 1" emoticon

You’ll get where you want to go as long as you take more steps in the right direction than the wrong one.


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10/17/14 6:30 A

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Which animal is the best one to borrow money from?

The kangaroo, because it always has plenty of pocket change.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/16/14 8:18 P

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Did you hear about the worker at Amazon fulfillment center who was fired for thinking outside the box?

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10/16/14 7:11 P

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Most of us get enough exercise pushing our luck!

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10/16/14 6:44 P

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Did you hear about the feather dancer who was rushed to the ER? Her boa constricted her.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/15/14 11:08 P

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How do you make a fan dance? Give him free tickets!

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10/15/14 7:13 P

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How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it!



The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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10/15/14 10:28 A

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Why was the clock banned from the library?

It tocked too much! emoticon

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10/14/14 3:44 P

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Cloud bank: A place to save money for a rainy day.

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10/13/14 2:40 P

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Ed: "I heard your duck farm went bankrupt."

Ned: "Yup. I had too many BILLS." emoticon

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10/12/14 3:50 P

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"Show me a man who has braces on his teeth and I'll show you a man who puts his money where his mouth is."

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10/11/14 7:50 A

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Urbanite: "Can you make a mule laugh if you tickle him?"

farmer: "Maybe, but you'll get a bigger kick out of it than he will."

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10/10/14 4:10 P

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Where do mice park their boats?
At the Hickory Dickory Dock. emoticon

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/10/14 7:34 A

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This last Summer was so cool, nobody wanted it to leave.

Thanks!

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10/9/14 3:46 P

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cool.

It was so cold last winter, we had to wait for the phone lines to thaw just to find out what folks had been talking about.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/9/14 2:16 P

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Try this at home! You can multiply by nines on your fingers.

1) hold your paddy-paws out in front of you, all eight fingers and both thumbs extended.
2) number your fingers and thumbs starting with your left pinkie as 1.
3) think of a number between 0 and 11 that you would like to multiply by nine.
4) fold down the finger or thumb that corresponds to your number
5) read the answer by counting the number of fingers to the left of the finger you folded down, and counting the number of fingers to the right. The two numbers in order as shown on your hands is the answer.

For example: if you want to multiply 9 by 4, fold down the index finger on your left hand. There are 3 fingers to the left, and 6 fingers to the right. 9 x 4 = 36

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10/8/14 3:38 P

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Digital computer: Someone who counts on his fingers.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/7/14 8:43 P

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My Aunt Cora is having an End of Summer Sale at her store. Most prices are lower, but sum're higher!

Pickie: Thanks!

Edited by: TENNESSEEWALKER at: 10/7/2014 (20:44)
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10/7/14 3:23 P

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Mechanic: "Would you like me to winterize your car?"
Car Owner: "First summarize the cost."

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10/6/14 4:18 P

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So true!

Happiness can't be learned and it can't be forced. The feet may learn the steps, but only the soul can truly dance.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/5/14 5:13 P

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A rich uncle of mine convinced God to allow him to fill a suitcase with as much of his riches as would fit and take it to Heaven when he died. It was quite a sight, the night he did die, to see that suitcase drift up through the bedroom ceiling, the roof of the house, and into the sky. Even more impressive because we kids knew it was packed with gold ingots and weighed a ton. Anyway, we stood out on the lawn looking up, and not much higher than the tops of the trees, we saw Unkie standing at the gates of pearl. Seems Heaven isn't all that far away. Unkie was talking to St. Peter. "I have an agreement with the Lord to bring with me my most precious possession," He said. St. Peter nodded. "As usual, I have to see what's inside." Unkie did a double take, either because he didn't expect that Heaven inspected baggage, or the 'as usual' rattled him a little. He opened the suitcase to show what was in it. St. Peter shrugged and opened the gate a little wider so Unkie could walk in with the rest of the blessed throng. St. Peter saw us watching, and he said to us, "We don't have potholes here, so we have no use for the paving material people like your uncle keep bringing".

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
10/2/14 10:10 P

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Karey, Congratulations on your first post. And your upcoming wedding.

Is kisstomary to cuss the bride?



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10/2/14 3:37 P

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Well that light IS great for reading ya know!!! Yes, that's it!

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10/1/14 8:03 P

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Am getting married in 11 days...everyone keeps asking if I am nervous. You would think they could figure it out by me in a chair in front of the open frig ;)

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10/1/14 5:05 P

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Only the most foolish cat would escape a dog by hiding in its kennel, but only the smartest dog would think to look there.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/30/14 9:28 P

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Catsup: 3:00 in the morning. And frisky.

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9/29/14 2:48 P

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Ego: The only thing that can keep on growing without nourishment.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/29/14 11:23 A

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Catatonic: sound of a cat chasing a fly on the piano.

Or - my cat is insisting on sitting on my lap as I try to practice my piano lessons. (Well, it keeps me from tucking my elbows too close to my body.) When playing scales, I run out of fingers (whoever invented 8-note scales to be played by five-fingered beings, anyway?), and she will hit the last note: the tonic.

Edited by: TENNESSEEWALKER at: 9/30/2014 (21:27)
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9/28/14 5:23 P

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My cousin was so desperate to get out of his job at the dog park, he put on his resume that he was a "dogument manager." Ewwww.

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9/27/14 6:06 P

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Let's see what your dog is capable of. Unleash his potential!

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/27/14 2:53 P

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Cathode ray: that look your cat gives you when she's sitting beside her empty food dish, and you're raiding the fridge.

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9/26/14 7:54 P

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Whoa Baby...

Is it possible that a person could live twice as long if he didn't spend the first half acquiring habits that shorten the other half??

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/25/14 10:12 P

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Why is a pancake like the beginning of a baseball inning? Because both have to 'batter up'

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9/25/14 5:34 P

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HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is a pancake like a caterpillar? Because it makes the butterfly.
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9/25/14 12:16 A

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Did you see the hawk sitting on the steeple before church Sunday? It must be a bird of pray!

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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9/24/14 4:46 P

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Mother: "Willie, you must keep your eyes closed during prayer."
Willie: "how do you know that I don't?"

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/23/14 7:39 P

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Diner: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Oh, ordinarily we would charge you for the additional protein, but since you are such a good customer of ours, we won't change your check.

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9/23/14 3:07 P

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Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir?"
Diner: "Well, I just pushed aside a pea and there it was!"
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9/22/14 9:48 A

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Thank you for the morning chuckle.

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9/21/14 7:37 A

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Why is it that when you retire, and time is no longer so important, do they give you a watch? emoticon

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9/21/14 7:36 A

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Thanks! Glad you are here..Feel free to share any puns,jokes,etc.. We are shameless in the degree of punny we show!LOL!



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HBONNER123's Photo HBONNER123 SparkPoints: (443)
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9/20/14 8:15 P

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New to Spark and you are an inspiration to me. emoticon

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9/20/14 3:07 P

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Where is the best place for children? Lapland.

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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/19/14 8:56 P

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Horse sense: barnyard currency only slightly less valuable than the chickens' chicken feed and but more valuable than the pigs' hogwash. Don't ask about the bulls' ....

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9/19/14 6:17 A

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Horse sense: A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting at the races.

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9/19/14 1:03 A

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How do you stop a charging bull? Take away his credit card!



The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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9/18/14 4:53 P

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Here's to our creditors--may they be endowed with the three virtues: faith, hope and charity.

SIX YEARS SPARKING!!

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9/17/14 3:29 P

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To refuse to grow old is the unmistakable sign of youth.

SIX YEARS SPARKING!!

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9/16/14 11:19 P

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Did you hear about the animal that couldn't stop eating? It was a hippobottomless.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/16/14 8:18 P

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For a while, my uncle owned a girdle factory. It was the place that haunched a thousand hips.

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9/16/14 2:00 A

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My buddy ate ten big bags of potato chips. His was the face that lunched a thousand chips.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 SparkPoints: (283,622)
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9/15/14 1:34 P

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groan...

Poker face: The face that launched a thousand chips.

SIX YEARS SPARKING!!

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9/14/14 6:05 P

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Hee, hee, hee!

Do shepherds get a staff discount, or are they just crooks?

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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9/14/14 1:42 P

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Patient: I've got a fever, a sore throat and I ache. The whole office has it."

Doctor: "Well, it must be a staff infection." emoticon

SIX YEARS SPARKING!!

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9/13/14 9:01 P

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"Because" is a word to the whys.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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TENNESSEEWALKER's Photo TENNESSEEWALKER Posts: 1,114
9/12/14 10:13 P

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From "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" an article discussing that the shortest word in English is not "it", as sometimes asserted, but rather "tit." Because of the initial articulation of the consonant at the beginning.

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