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ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
9/19/17 4:52 P

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That's funny! sounds like kids would like that joke!

125SOUTHERNGIRL's Photo 125SOUTHERNGIRL SparkPoints: (15,532)
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9/19/17 12:10 P

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A favorite of my niece and nephew...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9. :)

"For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return." Leonardo Da Vinci


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ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
9/19/17 5:24 A

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Love it! emoticon

CBRINKLEY401's Photo CBRINKLEY401 SparkPoints: (194,533)
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9/19/17 12:12 A

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Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
10. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
12. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
13. It is not hard to meet expenses ... They’re everywhere.
14. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
15. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
16. My git up 'n' go has got up 'n' went...without me
17. Have I sent this message to you before or did I get it from you?
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



-Cathy B
Illinois, Central Standard Time Zone

If it's to be, it's up to ME.

Organic Gardeners team leader
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LOVEDABUNCH2's Photo LOVEDABUNCH2 SparkPoints: (8,698)
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9/12/17 9:41 P

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love it!

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 SparkPoints: (499,494)
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8/26/17 1:54 P

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Did you hear about the company that produces ice cubes and ice cream?
All of its' assets are frozen.
emoticon

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ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
8/21/17 7:33 A

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That's hilarious! Never thought of that before LOL!

WEARINGTHIN's Photo WEARINGTHIN Posts: 7,562
8/21/17 4:00 A

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Really like the one about " because dogs can't read". (Why shouldn't you advertise in the paper for your lost dog?) Glenn

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ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
8/12/17 12:28 P

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I love it!

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8/12/17 10:28 A

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"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes man an expression that isn't.

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ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
8/9/17 1:56 P

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emoticon Hilarious!

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8/9/17 11:23 A

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The best way to keep kids at home is to make sure the home has a pleasant atmosphere-- and let the air out of their tires.
emoticon emoticon

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COASTERB's Photo COASTERB Posts: 174
8/5/17 12:14 P

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emoticon

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7/25/17 7:52 P

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ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
7/19/17 4:36 P

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That is funny!

ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
7/19/17 4:33 P

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I wonder if I have that same book? And like you, I haven't read it yet!

ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
7/19/17 4:30 P

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I wonder if I have the same book? Like you, I haven't read it yet either!

ROCKS8ROX Posts: 733
7/19/17 4:28 P

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Hilarious!

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 SparkPoints: (499,494)
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6/5/17 5:07 P

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Money talks--Mine says, "Bye!"

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SUNDANCE00's Photo SUNDANCE00 Posts: 242
6/2/17 5:21 P

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6/1/17 4:50 P

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4/29/17 3:16 P

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3/22/17 8:10 A

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Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mom was a wafer so long.

Eastern Standard Time


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GINGER228 Posts: 87
3/17/17 11:15 A

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GINGER228 Posts: 87
3/16/17 12:15 P

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1/1/17 4:30 P

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"Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children."

Doris Day.

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1/1/17 4:29 P

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emoticon


Edited by: PICKIE98 at: 1/1/2017 (16:29)
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HAPPYCAMPER17 Posts: 5
1/1/17 5:44 A

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I have a book about procrastination,but I haven't read it yet.

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12/31/16 1:04 P

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How do you make friends with a computer?

Bit by bit.

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HAPPYCAMPER17 Posts: 5
12/29/16 4:22 P

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Good work and like your joke,

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12/21/16 1:59 P

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Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot;anyone can catch a cold.

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LINDA719 Posts: 368
12/20/16 10:53 A

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Me too! emoticon

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12/15/16 6:13 P

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When I was 18, I wanted to save the world. Now I'd be happy to save $100."

Earl Wilson

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SALLY_BROWN's Photo SALLY_BROWN SparkPoints: (9,243)
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12/14/16 1:25 A

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I had to stop reading at number TWO - my favourite! I'll have to remember that one!

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11/22/16 3:25 P

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What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.

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LAPPEROO's Photo LAPPEROO Posts: 1,487
11/21/16 8:35 P

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I've been getting some exercise...doing diddly-squats.

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]


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11/21/16 5:26 P

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Oh my goodness! Those are hilarious!! I am still laughing about the spider web one.
Thank you for these, I really needed them after the day I had!!!!!!!!!!!

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GOLFINMOMMA's Photo GOLFINMOMMA Posts: 4,244
11/21/16 3:26 P

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1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.





2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.



3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat



4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.



5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.



6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.



7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.



8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.



9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.



10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.



11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.



12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.



13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.



14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.



15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Annon

Jan
Looking forward to a whole new me somewhere in my future


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11/17/16 2:36 P

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My hair is thin, but then again, who wants fat hair?
emoticon

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LAPPEROO's Photo LAPPEROO Posts: 1,487
11/17/16 11:05 A

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My husband is known for his laughter and humor. I've always admired his ability to use this talent to help a patient to laugh at something, consequently, it is something I too would like to do for people. We all need to laugh and smile. So I'm going to attempt to learn how to do this and this seemed like a good place to start. I'll be using other's work at first & maybe I'll be able to expand to doing my own writing. Bear with me folks emoticon

Here goes:

I am going to stand outside.
So if anyone asks,
I am outstanding.



You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]


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10/26/16 2:22 P

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I was up all night wondering where the sun went when it set...finally it dawned on me.

Edited by: PICKIE98 at: 10/27/2016 (17:46)
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10/25/16 6:35 P

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10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]


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10/25/16 5:43 P

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Secret: What we tell everyone not to tell anyone.

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LAPPEROO's Photo LAPPEROO Posts: 1,487
10/25/16 9:35 A

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I LOVE this cartoon! It makes me laugh every time I see it. I'm putting it up by my desk.
Thanks!

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]


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10/23/16 7:32 A

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Ringmaster: "The two acrobats just got married."
Clown: "Was it love at first sight?"
Ringmaster: "Yes. They flipped over each other."
emoticon

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10/22/16 1:03 P

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I love this one!! emoticon
I enjoy the cartoons.
Thanks! I shared this with my husband and gave him a laugh.

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]


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10/21/16 6:09 A

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Why should you never tell a pig a secret? Because they love to squeal.

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10/21/16 6:08 A

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It is six o'clock in the morning and I am sitting here laughing at your joke!! Thanks for the smile-in-the-dark!!

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JP4MYSELF's Photo JP4MYSELF Posts: 16
10/20/16 8:44 P

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~This is not a sprint. This is a Marathon~
Jeanne


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10/12/16 1:35 P

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A coal miner with a flashlight on his helmet is a guy whose work makes him lightheaded.

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LAPPEROO's Photo LAPPEROO Posts: 1,487
10/12/16 9:40 A

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Just came across this one:

“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“

Bill Murray


You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]


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10/10/16 3:32 P

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Why are birds poor?
Because money doesn't grow on trees.

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10/10/16 3:31 P

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Cute!!

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10/8/16 1:56 P

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Here's one:

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]


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10/2/16 3:33 P

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They're a perfect match. He's a fashion designer and she's a model citizen.

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CHELEMIA17's Photo CHELEMIA17 SparkPoints: (10,415)
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10/2/16 3:03 P

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Hahahaha

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9/28/16 2:29 P

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I used to run a doughnut shop, but I got tired of the hole business.
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9/25/16 4:27 P

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Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything.

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WHITECAT19's Photo WHITECAT19 SparkPoints: (108,003)
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9/25/16 1:35 A

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Q: What kind of music do mummies like?

A: Wrap music.

Edited by: WHITECAT19 at: 9/25/2016 (01:35)
The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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9/23/16 3:49 P

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Why is it called a building if it has already been built?

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9/23/16 1:30 A

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Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?

A: A penny


The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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9/22/16 3:27 P

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WHAT KIND OF BEAN IS NOT GROWN IN A GARDEN?

a HUMAN BEAN.

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9/21/16 6:40 P

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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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9/19/16 8:11 A

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Now I know why they call them trial lawyers. I tried one and I didn't like him.

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9/19/16 3:20 A

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What kind of music are balloons afraid of?

Pop music.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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9/18/16 3:08 P

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There's one basic principle of economy: never visit the supermarket before you've eaten.

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7/31/16 1:57 P

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What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?

He quacked up.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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7/4/16 2:52 P

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Watch out for children on the road. They're terrible drivers.

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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7/4/16 2:51 P

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WHOA!!! emoticon

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7/4/16 11:08 A

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."


Progress, not Perfection

There are powers inside of you which, if you could discover and use, would make of you everything you ever dreamed or imagined you could become.


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7/4/16 10:37 A

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What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

emoticon emoticon

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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7/2/16 12:23 P

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So he excels at underachieving???

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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7/2/16 1:14 A

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When he was young, Jim wanted to be a great writer. When asked what he meant by "great," he said, "I want my writing to really bring out people's emotions. I want them to cry, scream, shout, and stomp around."

Jim now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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7/1/16 3:21 P

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The world is like a beehive. We all enter by the same door, but we live in different cells.


NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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6/30/16 7:41 P

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Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

A: Ruff!

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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6/30/16 7:41 P

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Okay, okay, okay . . . so MINE was bad?!? emoticon

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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6/30/16 1:43 P

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What's a dog's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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6/30/16 1:43 P

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oh man, that is SO bad!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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6/29/16 12:25 A

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Q: How are dogs like phones?

A: They have collar IDs.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


 Pounds lost: 18.5 
 
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6/27/16 6:31 A

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Why shouldn't you put an ad in the paper if your dog is lost?
Because dogs can't read.

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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6/26/16 6:06 P

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Q: How many dance instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight!

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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6/26/16 2:51 P

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I'd be a great dancer except for two things--my feet!

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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6/25/16 10:47 A

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Ah, but how many years does it take them to do that? emoticon


Q: When does a teacher carry bird seed?

A: When there is a parrot-teacher conference.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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6/25/16 6:56 A

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How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, They delegate it to somebody else. emoticon

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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6/24/16 1:49 A

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Okay, it's not my turn, but I just made this one up and couldn't wait to share it. I wouldn't be surprised if someone else already thought of it!

Q: How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Why is it still dark in here?


The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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6/23/16 10:31 A

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What illness is a horse afraid of getting? Hay fever.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


 Pounds lost: 18.5 
 
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6/23/16 6:11 A

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emoticon emoticon

Teacher: "This essay about your dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
Student: "Well, it's the same dog."

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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6/22/16 2:00 P

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Q: How do you fit more pigs on a farm?

A: Build a sty-scraper.

The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

A monk was once asked: What do you do there in the monastery? He replied: We fall and get up, fall and get up, fall and get up again. - Tito Colliander

The Jesus Prayer helps to lift the whole life, body and soul, to a level where . . . the world is sought and known in the beauty of God, not God in the beauty of the world. - Mother Maria of Normanby


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6/22/16 12:47 P

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tHAT IS so FUNNY!!
i AM SITTING HERE CHUCKLING!! OOPS, hit the caps button.

What are two things you can't have for lunch?

Breakfast and dinner.

NINE YEARS SPARKING!!

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