I think so many of our mindsets and ways of being get decided when we are in a compromised state of being, like, I have a tremendous defensiveness that I internalized from my family of origin-and I decided I would not care about other people, or myself, I was allowed to be scathing in my criticisms of others and in defending my own inappropriate behavior. I was hurtful in a manipulative and deceitful way. I would say and do things indirectly so as to hurt another, or show my indifference to them because I was really going to keep anyone from hurting me. My indifference has become a habit. My mother's scathing criticisms of others has also been internalized. These two things are substantial energy blocks that only work against me. I have decided I will no longer allow them to control my actions and I will extend myself in ways I never have before just to be clear that I am taking clear actions to dispel remnants of my old behavior. And it feels so glorious. It is so true that when you allow positive to flow from you it magnifies as it comes back to you. I am so thankful to have found an answer to this negativity that has controlled my life in so many ways since I was a child. I am being who I want to be and not re-iterating the negativity that permeated my core.
Also, I just want to share this, though it may be off topic.
I had a performance Saturday night of a piece from my show, which is about my eating disorder. The venue is a place that is an open mike for performers and it is run by people in my age group, and maybe a little older, some younger. These people create an environment of safety, appreciation, and acknowledgement. A lot of the performers are older, and going into something they have always wanted to do for the first time. I have always been a performer but I took a 12 year break and am coming back to it. And because I'm doing a show about my eating disorder it's very personal and risky for me. The feedback and love I got from these people was like a revelation to me. I realized what it must be like to have gotten that kind of validation as a child. People who honor your work and reflect your goodness back to you. It's kind of bittersweet because I did not get that in any way shape or form. But I allowed myself to have it, and to give it to others and it moved me quickly into a new place. I have always felt "wrecked" by my mother-and her mental illness and now I know that is not a reality, just my past. Now I understand how to receive that kind of appreciation and acknowledgement-and I really think that Spark has been my path to that, and how to give it. I may have gained 20 pounds in my two years on Spark, but I have also overcome a severe eating disorder, and learned how to accept and give support. That has opened my heart to much greater gifts.
| current weight: 211.0