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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
5/27/17 9:26 A

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Silly Saturday is being put on a break and we'll resume in the fall and see if we get more participation then. Enjoy your summer and we'll see you in the fall.

Hugs,
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
5/6/17 2:08 P

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Our first silly Saturday of May!

Stolen Fruit
Mary was taken before the judge accused of theft, and he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
'A small can of peaches,' Mary replied, weeping.
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then inquired, 'And how many peaches were in the can?'
Mary answered, 'Only 6 small pieces.'
The judge harshly announced, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.' But before the judge could finish pronouncing the punishment, the woman's husband, Derek, interrupted and asked the judge if he could say something?
The judge, slightly annoyed asked, 'And what have you to say in your wife's defence?'
Derek spoke clearly, 'She also stole a large can of peas.'

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
4/22/17 10:46 A

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Seeing two of our kids now live in FL thought I'd throw in some alligator jokes. Have a great silly Saturday!

Alligator Short Jokes

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What's the similarity between a Alligator and Windows?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

Q: How many arms has a alligator got?
A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner!

Q: Why don't alligators like fast food?
A: Because they can't catch it!

Q: What do you get if you cross a alligator with a flower?
A: I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it!

Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
A: It's filled with liti-gators.

Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.


Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
4/15/17 9:53 A

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Hope all have a blessed Easter!


Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention

Some body parts should be floppy

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Good things come in small sugarcoated packages

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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4/8/17 10:00 A

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It's hard to believe Easter is only a week away. Enjoy your silly Saturday!


Q: Why won't Easter eggs go out at night?
A: They don't want to get "beat up".

Q: What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like anyone else.

Q: Why was the little girl sad after the race?
A: Because an egg beater!

Q: What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
A: 14 carrot gold.

Q: Why didn't the easter egg cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't a chicken yet!

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan?
A: It took ears off his life!


Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
4/1/17 8:12 A

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Happy April Fool's Day! My DH just got me by saying I was wanted at the door, of course, no one was there, ha, ha.

Take a Number
Our chain of travel agencies was small but growing. As office manager, I often got complaints from staff members who deplored the demise of our family-oriented operation and the impending arrival of Big Brother. Then a computer memo from the home office informed us that we all had been assigned employee numbers. We were to use them instead of names in correspondence or telephone communication with the company.
“This is the last straw!” said an exasperated worker. “We’ve finally been reduced to a number!” commented another. One employee, however, read on. Imagine our delight when she discovered, at the end of the memo, this message: “In our book, you’re all Number One. Happy April Fools’ Day!”

— Contributed by Connie McGough

Funny Farm
Our farm borders a main highway, and my husband and I wage a perpetual battle to keep our cows from heading for greener pastures across the road. One evening, as I slogged along the perimeter of our property looking for loose fencing, I saw a neighbor, also a farmer.
His greeting sent me on my rounds with a lighter step. “I see,” he said, “you’re Secretary of DeFence tonight!”

— Contributed by Eugenia Mathes

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
3/25/17 9:33 A

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Nancy those are two good ones! Everyone have a great silly Saturday!

Short Spring Jokes

When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During Ape-ril showers!

Can February March?
No, but April May!

Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they've just finished a long, 31 day March!

What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring-time!

What flowers grow on faces?
Tulips (Two-lips)!

Why are trees very forgiving?
Because in the Fall they "Let It Go" and in the Spring they "turn over a new leaf".

Why is the letter A like a flower?
A bee (B) comes after it!

When do people start using their trampoline?
Spring-Time

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A hot cross bunny

What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf.

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lily!

What does the Easter Bunny order at a Chinese Restaurant?
Hop Suey!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

What does the Easter Rabbit get for making a basket?
Two points just like everybody!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
June.
June who?
"June know any good knock knock jokes?"
"June know how to tell knock-knock jokes?"

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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NJMATTICE's Photo NJMATTICE Posts: 3,200
3/18/17 12:51 P

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A couple more cartoons.

Have a fun day!

~Nancy~



You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are. -Fred Rogers


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
3/18/17 10:26 A

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Good ones Nancy. Here's some Irish humor.


The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean"
To which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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NJMATTICE's Photo NJMATTICE Posts: 3,200
3/11/17 12:17 P

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That's where I'm at. Poking a little fun at my latest endeavor.

~Nancy~



You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are. -Fred Rogers


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
3/11/17 10:45 A

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Oh Nancy those made me laugh this morning, needed that.

Well seeing we are back to winter here are some winter jokes!

Short Winter Jokes

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!

Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T

Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!

Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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NJMATTICE's Photo NJMATTICE Posts: 3,200
3/4/17 11:10 A

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~Nancy~



You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are. -Fred Rogers


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
3/4/17 10:48 A

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Enjoy this silly Saturday and laugh!

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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2/25/17 10:22 A

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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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WANDAH3's Photo WANDAH3 Posts: 11,859
2/18/17 9:27 A

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The Children of Israel

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
2/18/17 8:34 A

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Here are some quotes from presidents in honor of president's day Monday.

Presidential Quotes

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'" -Ronald Reagan

"I hope you're all Republicans." -(Reagan)speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt.

"If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter." -George Washington

"Liberty, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth." -George Washington

"It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one." -George Washington

"I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." -Abraham Lincoln

"A house divided against itself cannot stand." -Abraham Lincoln

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe." -Abraham Lincoln

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you." -Thomas Jefferson

"The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time." -Thomas Jefferson

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -George W. Bush

"When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two -- and didn't like it -- and didn't inhale and never tried inhaling again." -Bill Clinton


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
2/11/17 11:13 A

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Happy second silly Sat. of Feb.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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WANDAH3's Photo WANDAH3 Posts: 11,859
2/4/17 9:23 A

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haha Shirl...some of those are real groaners LOL. Thanks for the giggles.

Deep Thoughts for Children
Friday, March 1, 2002

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15
Source: GCFL

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
2/4/17 8:57 A

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Here we go with our first silly Sat. for Feb.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can't tuna fish.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator

What do you call a pile of kittens
A meowntain

What do you call a bee that lives in America?
USB

Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he's always spotted!

What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
To the Baa Baa shop!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles.

How do spiders communicate?
Through the World Wide Web.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum that it could be done!

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
Kitty Perry

How do you catch a fish without a fishing pole?
With your BEAR hands.

What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye?
Chicken Caeser Salad (Chicken Sees A Salad)

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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1/28/17 10:14 A

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Wanda here are some birthday jokes to share with Garry on his special day!

Birthday Short Jokes

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once!

Q: What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
A: They were all born on holidays.

Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!

Q: Why did the little girl get soap for her birthday?
A: It was a so a prize party!.

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: "Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
A: "No, only little babies."

Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
A: Because people kept toasting him!

Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake, of course!

Q: What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.

Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
A: A birthday pheasant!

Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
A: He has a whale of a party!

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: What was the average age of a cave man?
A: Stone Age!

Q: Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
A: Because it was marble cake!

Q: What does a clam do on his birthday?
A: He shellabrates!

Q: What party game do rabbits like to play?
A: Musical Hares!

Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
A: Mice cream and cake!


Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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1/21/17 1:27 P

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Irene your post last Sat. was cute. We're at our 3rd silly Sat., this month is moving on.





Knock Knock
Who's there !
Ice cream !
Ice cream who ?
Ice cream if you don't let me in !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Honeydew!
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Bison!
Bison who?
Bison girl scout cookies!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Hungry clock!
Hungry clock who?
Hungry clcok who went back four seconds.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Loaf!
Loaf who?
I don't just like bread, I loaf it.

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Water !
Water who ?
Water way to answer the door !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Figs !
Figs who ?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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STITCHINGNAN's Photo STITCHINGNAN Posts: 14,005
1/14/17 11:07 A

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An old joke in our family which the kids loved.

In the family home one day there was a rap rap noise, it was very annoying , rap rap . Mom searched everywhere to find the source of the noise, rap rap it went . Then she opened a drawer and unside was a roll of. wrapping paper!

Irene

Irene in Nottinghamshire UK
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
1/14/17 9:54 A

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Moving on to the 2nd silly Sat. in Jan. Hope you find lots of laughter in your day.

Wanda liked that IRS one, ha, ha.


Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.

Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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1/7/17 10:40 A

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haha...good ones Shirl. I love #2.

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”



Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, 
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

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To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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Our first silly Saturday in Jan. Laughter will help us through this artic blast.

Short Winter Jokes

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!

Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T

Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!

Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!

Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"

Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!

Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.

Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"

Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.

Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.


Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Well my friends here we are on the last day of 2016, had to get some New Year's stuff on here on our last day of Dec. and our last silly Saturday for 2016 on New Year's Eve.


Auld Lang Syne Lyrics (Short Version)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,

We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne

Auld Lang Syne Lyrics by Robert Burns (1788)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?

Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl't in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o' thine,
And we'll tak a right guid willie-waught
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint' stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne!

Translation

Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And days of long ago !

Chorus:
For old long ago, my dear
For old long ago,
We will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago.

We two have run about the hillsides
And pulled the daisies fine,
But we have wandered many a weary foot
For old long ago.

We two have paddled (waded) in the stream
From noon until dinner time,
But seas between us broad have roared
Since old long ago.

And there is a hand, my trusty friend,
And give us a hand of yours,
And we will take a goodwill draught (of ale)
For old long ago!

And surely you will pay for your pint,
And surely I will pay for mine!
And we will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago!

New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Happy New Year's Eve and a Happy New Year, may 2017 be filled with lots of laughter!

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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12/3/16 9:25 A

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Thank you for the giggles this morning Shirl. Let's see if I can add some more.

The Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."




Reindeer and Elf Jokes

What is the favorite food of elves?
Answer: "Elf"-aghetti!

How did elves climbed up to the top of Santa’s Castle?
Answer: Using an "Elf"-evator.

Elves use what kind of money?
Answer: Jingle bills!

What’s the first thing learned by elves in school?
Answer: The "elf"-abet!

Who makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin and lives at the North Pole?
Answer: Cinder-"elf"-a!



Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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Well tis the season for some Christmas jokes.


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avery
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull...!

Grins & Giggles

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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11/26/16 10:11 A

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Wanda that's a good one. Sorry but seeing today is when we are celebrating Turkey Day I am posting one more Thanksgiving joke.


Potatoes
A potato and a sweet potato were playing on the playground. The sweet potato told the potato,"Hey, I just found out I'm related to you."
The potato said," No you are not!"
The sweet potato said back,"Yes, I yam."

Grins & Giggles
Shirl



Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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11/26/16 9:12 A

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Up early...so here is Silly Saturday Nov 26

Ice Fishing


A blond decides to go ice fishing one day. She takes her stool and her fishing pole onto the ice, and cuts a big hole. Then a voice says:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

Perplexed, the blond moves her stool 100 feet, sits down again and goes to work cutting another hole. Again, the voice said:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

Clearly flustered, she moves the stool to one last spot, sits down, and picks up her auger. Again, the voice boomed:

"FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

Finally, she can't take it. She cries out, "God, is that you?"

"NO, I'M THE OWNER OF THIS HOCKEY RINK"

Positive Bloggers

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To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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11/19/16 10:45 A

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Wanda thanks for getting us going this morning with a giggle. I got caught up in doing things this morning so getting here a little late. Here's some Thanksgiving humor as that's coming up this week for us here in the states.


What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
They use FOWL language.

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
It had 24 carrots.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A turkey that can pluck itself!

When do you serve tofu turkey?
Pranksgiving.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Dear Turkeys, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, women.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
Where's popcorn?

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE!

Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy?
Spanksgiving.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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11/19/16 10:27 A

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Nov 19: Silly Saturday

Join us in some laughs and giggles

Greed

In front of the local butcher's, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in fact, a collector's item.

He strolled into the store and offered two pounds for the cat. 'He's not for sale', said the butcher.Cat and Mouse picture

'Look', said the collector', that cat is dirty and scabby, but I'm an eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten pounds'. 'It's a deal', said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten immediately.

'For that amount of money I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer', said the connoisseur', 'The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.'

'I can't do that', said the butcher firmly, 'That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 18 cats.'

Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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11/12/16 9:45 A

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Thanks for the giggles Shirl...I'm thinking of #16 *grin*



Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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11/12/16 9:17 A

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We were at a cool 27 this morning, that's quite a drop from yesterday at 45. Need some laughter this morning to warm me up.

Wanda liked your post.

Thoughts from women.

1.Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. If I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the
    floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you
     could have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!
7. If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who
     Cares.
8. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
9. "Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that,
       can't remember!
10. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
11. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
12. Take my advice, I'm not using it!
13. Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
14. You know you're getting old when you stop to
       think and forget to start again.
15. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive
      you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
16. I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which
      one of the kids would you like?
17. I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose
      change!
18. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't
       climb the fence!
19. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
20. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down
       till the feeling passes.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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11/5/16 9:52 A

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Thanks for the giggles Shirl

Albert's wife passed away and he called 911. The 911 operator told him that they would send someone over right away and asked him where he lived.
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," Albert told her. The operator asked, "Could you please spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Albert said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"



Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

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We have arrived at Nov. and we have 5 silly Saturdays to have fun with.

Short Fall Jokes

Q: What did the tree say to autumn?
A: leaf me alone.

Q: What did one autumn leaf say to another?
A: I'm falling for you.

Q: Why did summer catch autumn?
A: Because autumn is fall.

Q: Why do the Boston Red Sox fans love autumn?
A: Because watching the leaves fall reminds them of the (Yankees).

Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch

Q: What falls in autumn?
A: Leaves!

Q: What is the cutest season?
A: Awwtumn.

Q: What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin patch!

Q: How do fall leaves get from place to place?
A: With autumn-mobiles.

Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree?
A: Sits on a leaf and waits till Autumn!

Q: What did a tree fighting with autumn say?
A: That's it, i'm leaving.

Q: What will fall on the lawn first?
Q: An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

Q: What is a tree's least favorite month?
A: Sep-timber!

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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Sorry I am so late posting here, went to BIL's memorial service today. Our last Sat. before Halloween thought I'd better get some more Halloween funnies on here.


Q: What is a black cat’s favorite color?
A: Purrrrrr-ple!
Q: Which one of your pets should you scare on Halloween?
A: Scare-de-cat!
Q: What is worst than raining black cats and bloodhounds?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!
Q: What animals are the best pets?
A: Black cats, because they are purr-fect!
Q: What is a black cat’s favorite song?
A: Three Blind Mice!
Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling?
A: Black Alley cats!
Q: What did the black cat have for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why did the black cat put the letter “M” into the fridge?
A: Because it turns “ice” into a whole lot of “mice”!
Q: What looks like half a black cat?
A: The other half!
Q: What do you get if you cross a black cat with a whit oak tree?
A: A black and white cat-a-logue!
Q: Why do black cats never shave?
A: Because 9 out of 10 black cats prefer whiskas!
Q: Why are black cats such good singers?
A: They’re very mewsical!
Q: What is cleverer than a talking black cat?
A: A spelling bee!
Q: How do you know when your black cat’s done cleaning herself?
A: She’s smoking a cigarette!
Q: What do you call the black cat that was caught by the police?
A: The purrpatrator!
Q: What do you call a witches black cat that drinks vinegar?
A: A sour puss!
Q: What do you call it when a witches black cat falls off a broomstick?
A: A catastrophe!
Q: Where does a black cat get its best Halloween humor from?
A: The purrfect place Halloweenjokes.com!
Q: What did the black cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I’m paw!
Q: What do people in England call little black cats?
A: Kittens!
Q: Why did the black cat join the Red Cross?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit-ten!
Q: How is Halloween cat food sold?
A: Usually purr can!
Q: What do you call a witches cat that never comes when he’s called?
A: Impussible!
Q: When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
A: When your a mouse!
Q: What is a black octopus?
A: Two black cats fighting!
Q: Why was the black cat so small?
A: Because it only drank condensed milk!
Q: What is a French black cat’s favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!
Q: What’s the unluckiest kind of black cat to have?
A: A catastrophe!
Q: What did the black cat say to the fish?
A: I’ve got a bone to pick with you!
Q: What do you get if you cross a witches cat with Father Christmas?

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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10/23/16 11:25 A

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Wanda your post from last Sat. cracked me up, so did the ones from yesterday. Thanks for doing silly Sat. for me, I didn't even get on the computer until almost bedtime last night.

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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10/22/16 11:48 A

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Oct 22 Silly Saturday.

Make today a day of giggles, smiles and laughter.

Poor Economy Joke

I met a guy who’s a walking economy the front of his hair is in recession, his stomach is a terrible victim of inflation, and the combination together are putting him into a deep depression.


When the lodge meeting broke up, John confided to a friend. “Mike, I’m in a terrible pickle! I’m strapped for cash and I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m going to get it from!” “I’m glad to hear that” answered Mike. “I was afraid you might have an idea you could borrow it from me!”



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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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10/15/16 10:14 A

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Thanks for the holiday smiles, ladies

~Nancy~



You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are. -Fred Rogers


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Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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Oh Wanda that was a good one. Thought I'd better start with the Halloween funnies or it'll be here and gone before we know it.

Q:  What is a Mummies’ favorite type of dance music?
A:  Wrap!!!!!
Q:  Why aren’t there more famous skeletons?
A:  They’re a bunch of no bodies!
Q:  What do little trees say on Halloween?
A:  Twig or treat!
Q:  Why do ghosts and demons get along so well?
A:  Because demons are a ghosts best friend forever!
Q:  What do birds give out on Halloween?
A:  Tweets!
Q:  How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A:  With a orange pumpkin patch!
Q:  How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
A:  He draws your blood  from your neck with a straw!
Q:  What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
A:  Both have blank smiling expressions and are hollow inside!
Q:  Why do witches need to wear name tags?
A:  So, they would know which witch is which!
Q:  What is the largest building in Transylvania?
A:  The Vampire State Building!
Q:  What do you do with a very green monster?
A:  Wait until it ripens!
Q:  What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
A:  He was repossessed, again!
Q:  Why doesn’t anyone like Count Dracula?
A:  He’s a real pain in the neck!
Q:  Why did the witches have to cancel their baseball game?
A:  Because they ran out of bats!
Q:  What goes Ha-ha-ha-ha!, thud!!! and keeps laughing?
A:  A monster laughing it’s head off!
Q:  What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks?
A. A 1980's hairdresser.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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10/8/16 10:31 A

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Hehehe...good one Shirl


Boyfriend v Computer Husband Software

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. What I have noticed is a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications, which had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Sport 7.3, NFL 3.2 and Tennis 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Your faithfully

Desperate Susan



Reply from Tech Support

Dear Desperate Susan,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. Computer husband joke

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Home Cooking 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5. Finally consider applications such as Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck

Tech Support




Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
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Hope this gives you a chuckle. Have a beautiful day!

God Talks With Eve

'God, I have a problem.'
'What's your problem Eve?'
'I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy, '
'And why is that Eve?'
'God, I am lonely and bored and I'm sick to death of apples.'
'Well Eve, in that case I shall create a man for you'
'Man? What is that, God?'
'A flawed base creature with many bad traits. he'll lie, cheat and be vain. He will revel in childish things. he'll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too smart so will need your advice to think properly. He will have a limited emotional capacity so will need to be trained. He will look silly when aroused, but since You've been complaining of boredom, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs and you need never be bored again.'
'Sounds great', said Eve but what's the catch, God'
'Well, you can have him on one condition.'
'And what's that, God?'
'As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman.'

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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10/1/16 10:58 A

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Happy October!

Love the Van Gogh humor Shirl *grin*


The Most Confusing Password

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

A. R., via Internet
More: Computer Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes
Total @mateur







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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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Happy 1st day of Oct. and our first silly Sat. Have a laugh filled Sat.

Van Gogh

I went down the pub last night and ran into Vincent Van Gogh at the bar.
'Hi Vince, how are you?  'I'm fine thanks. You OK?
'Can't complain. Vincent, can I get you a drink?'
'No thanks - I've got one 'ere!'


True Courtroom Exchanges

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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9/24/16 8:59 A

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Well here we are at our last silly Sat. in Sept. Be sure and find some laughter in your day.

Wanda kids can sure give us a laugh.

Violet's Revenge - A Cat Story by Charlene Wexler

I began planning my next move, as this one wasn't working--even though I stood with my shiny black fur on end across my arched back, my tail held straight up, and my mouth open to show my long, sharp eye teeth.
The large, short-haired brown dog was not leaving. He still was barking, jumping, and stretching his front paws across the bathroom sink in an effort to attack me.
He panted constantly, exposing a mouth full of his own sharp teeth, and a black tongue that hung out.
'I could reach out and claw his nose', I thought, 'but I might miss and he could grab my paw, or I could hurt him a lot, and my human family would be angry. I think I will try using my most fierce hiss, instead.'
I narrowed my eyes and closed my mouth slightly to produce an angry "hisssssss!"
It didn't work. He jumped at me anyway. Good thing I backed off.
'How did I get myself into this spot?' I thought. I moved my eyes around my surroundings, checking every which way. I was stuck on the top of the sink with no place to jump--except down into his waiting jaws.
The room was small, but the door to my young human's bedroom was open. 'If only I could escape into that room.' The humongous paws on the dog were getting closer to me with every one of his jumps.
'That's it--he gets it on the nose!' Quickly, I stretched out my right black paw. With claws fully extended, I struck the dog's snout. Whimpering like a puppy, he jumped down and slowly left the room.
'Good, he backed off. Now I must get out of here and hide fast before he comes back.' With lightning speed I jumped down from the sink, and flew through the door into the girl's bedroom, where there were bunk beds. I quickly surveyed the distance between the floor and the top bunk, so I would know exactly how high to jump.
Extending my body, up I went with no problem. I was a good jumper, never missing my mark. I snuggled up on the top bunk, which was close to the ceiling. I grabbed the small blue cotton blanket, inhaling the fragrant odor of my young human friend, before tossing it around to feel its soft, fluffy texture next to my body. I rubbed it under my chin in order to leave my scent on it.
I perked up my ears, as my keen hearing detected the dog running back into the adjacent bathroom. I crouched down low and put myself into silent mode, while that trouble-making dog, with his battered nose, sniffed around the sink and the floor.
I mentally grinned, knowing he had no idea where I had gone. And if he should find out, he would have no way to reach me.
Time for a nap!

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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9/17/16 10:30 A

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HAHAHAHA... that is a great one Shirl. Thanks for starting my day off with a good laugh.

Children's Science Exam Answers

These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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9/17/16 8:55 A

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It's a rainy, silly Saturday here in MI, enjoy your day and find some laughter in it.



ф
Big Eric

One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, 'Big Eric doesn't pay' , and took his seat.
Dave was only a little man and he didn't really want to argue.

This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?

So Dave went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn't want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.

Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.

At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. 'Big Eric doesn't pay' , he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, 'Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?'

'Because Big Eric has got a bus pass', the man replied.

Grins and Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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9/10/16 12:28 P

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Thanks, Shirl. Since you saw last week's today, does that mean I don't have to go looking for silly stuff today? I'll see.

~Nancy~



You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are. -Fred Rogers


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9/10/16 9:45 A

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Wanda and Nancy you cracked me up this morning when I saw your last posts.

The Lottery Winner Sunday Jokes

One Saturday evening Lorraine came home, screeching her car into the driveway, she ran into the house, slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery.'

Tony, her husband called out, 'Oh my God. What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' Lorraine continued, 'Just get out.'

Shopping List

In the frozen foods department of Wal-Mart last Saturday morning, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, 'You know, Harry, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again.'

Grins and Giggles
Shirl




Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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9/3/16 10:13 A

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Thanks for the giggles Nancy and Shirl.

This made me giggle:



Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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9/3/16 9:08 A

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~Nancy~



You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are. -Fred Rogers


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9/3/16 8:43 A

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Good Silly Saturday Morning. Yes, we are back after a brief break and ready to go. Have a great day and laugh much!

The Season Ticket

Iris was reading her Saturday newspaper, while her husband, Ben, was engrossed the magazine.

Suddenly, Iris burst out laughing. 'Listen to this, Ben,' she said, 'There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to *Stamford Bridge.'

'Hmmm,' Ben said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Iris asked, 'Would you swap me for a season ticket?'
'Absolutely not,' Ben replied.

'How sweet, 'Iris continued, 'Tell me why not.?'
'Season's more than half over,' Ben trumpeted.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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7/30/16 10:15 A

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Well here we are at our last silly Saturday of July. Summer is going by way to quick.

Wanda liked your last post here.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have? "Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Six."Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven!"Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"


- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/clean-jo
kes#sthash.7yG3vmZc.dpuf

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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7/16/16 9:51 A

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Good one Shirl!

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.” A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”



A little girl was sitting on her grandmothers lap as she read her a book. She repeatedly touched her grandmothers cheek and then her own fascinated by the difference. “Grandma” she asked, “Did God make you?” “Yes dear,” Grandma replied, “God made me a long time ago.” “Did God make me?” she asked. “Yes, God made you too.” Answered Grandma. “Well he sure has gotten better over the years, hasn’t he?



Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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7/16/16 9:32 A

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Wanda and William thanks for the laughs. We still have two more silly Saturdays to go in July. Everyone find some laughter in your day.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

- See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/clean-jo
kes#sthash.x0Vfuw7R.dpuf

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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7/9/16 10:18 A

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Thanks for the giggles William and Shirl.

Museum Joke

“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on it’s left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.” “Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?” “Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”





Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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7/9/16 9:40 A

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Hi! My name is William. Feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like someone to connect with!
Columbus, Ohio, USA
Eastern Time Zone
Heaviest weight: 280
Goal weight: 200 (for now)
SP Class of May 29 - June 4, 2016 Team Leader
"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started."
Mind Over Body: A 10 part series of articles that everyone on SP should read
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/mind_ov
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Enjoy your Saturday and find some laughter in your day!

Wanda, those were cute.

How hot is it?
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'
hot water now comes out of both taps.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
the chickens are lying hard boiled eggs.
you start buying stock in Gatorade.
the trees are whistling for the dogs.
you start putting ice cubes in your water bed.
you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
Satan decided to take the day off.
the four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
your dream house is any house in Alaska.
you can make instant sun tea.
the trees are whistling for dogs.
your car overheats before you drive it.
hot water now comes out of both taps.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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7/2/16 9:46 A

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Happy month of July!

Shirl...I'm not sure Harry would live after that sad story *grin*.

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'

Nicholas took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.



Later, Nicholas and Bryan attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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Happy silly Saturday starting off July.

William and Wanda good ones!

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs



Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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6/25/16 11:48 A

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Happy Saturday, everyone!





Hi! My name is William. Feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like someone to connect with!
Columbus, Ohio, USA
Eastern Time Zone
Heaviest weight: 280
Goal weight: 200 (for now)
SP Class of May 29 - June 4, 2016 Team Leader
"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started."
Mind Over Body: A 10 part series of articles that everyone on SP should read
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/mind_ov
er_body_fat.asp


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6/25/16 10:02 A

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HAHAHA...love it Shirl


This is how I feel today:

"I can't believe it, " said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"

"Well, that's hard to say, " replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."


Thunderstorm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."





Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
6/25/16 9:49 A

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Well here we are our last silly Saturday of June, soon we'll be into July. William and Wanda loved your posts from last Sat. Now I know my problem, I am eleven feet to short, but my weight is perfect, lol, love it.


Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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6/18/16 3:32 P

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Hi NYTERYDER, emoticon for the jokes; I really enjoyed the "the other foot, too" emoticon

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6/18/16 11:52 A

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Good ones, ladies. This is my favorite daily challenge!





Hi! My name is William. Feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like someone to connect with!
Columbus, Ohio, USA
Eastern Time Zone
Heaviest weight: 280
Goal weight: 200 (for now)
SP Class of May 29 - June 4, 2016 Team Leader
"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started."
Mind Over Body: A 10 part series of articles that everyone on SP should read
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/mind_ov
er_body_fat.asp


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6/18/16 10:31 A

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LOL Shirl. Thanks for the giggles.

Taking the Moment.

A pastor explained how Saturday was a day to get things done around their house because of work, family and church responsibilities. Just a few weeks ago he and his youngest son Jeff who is six years old had just finished mowing the lawn and were putting things away. The pastor thought this would be a terrific opportunity to rest and spend a few minutes with Jeff. The two of them crawled up on the family's trampoline and gazed up into the blue sky. With a puzzled look Jeff turned and asked "Dad,...Why are we here?"
The pastor thought this would be great teaching opportunity so he explained how we are children of our Father in Heaven, how he has sent us here because he loves us and wants us to experience the things he has created for us, how he wants us to serve one another, to learn, to grow and to develop those qualities that will allow us to return to live with Him some day. The father paused and asked if that had answered his question. Jeff responded, "Not really". The pastor then began to think how else he might be able to answer the question when Jeff again asked, "Dad,...Why are we here?...weren't we supposed to pick Mom up an hour ago?"


Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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6/18/16 10:17 A

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Do you believe one more Sat. left in June, slow down summer, I want you to last forever, lol.
William loved your post from last Sat. This funny is for all the dads out there for Father's Day.

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, "Why are you crying"?

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!!

Grins & Giggles
Shirl



Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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6/11/16 12:08 P

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Hi! My name is William. Feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like someone to connect with!
Columbus, Ohio, USA
Eastern Time Zone
Heaviest weight: 280
Goal weight: 200 (for now)
SP Class of May 29 - June 4, 2016 Team Leader
"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started."
Mind Over Body: A 10 part series of articles that everyone on SP should read
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/mind_ov
er_body_fat.asp


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6/11/16 9:29 A

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Q: Why do museums have old dinosaur bones?
A: Because they can't afford new ones!

Q: What does Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom!

Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Velociraptor?
A: Long distance!

Q: Why did the T. Rex cross the road?
A1: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet.
A2: Because it was chasing a chicken.
A3: Because it was being chased by a chicken.
A4: Because it thought it was a chicken.

Q: How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch?
A: "Tea, Rex?"

Q. What was 30 feet long, had a two-foot-long beak, and left crumbs all over the mattress?
A. Pretzelcoatlus!

Q: What do you call a blind Majungatholus?
A: Doyathinkhesaurus?

Q. What do you call a blind Majungatholus' dog?


A. Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.

Q. How do you know there's a Seismosaurus under your bed?
A. Because your nose is two inches from the ceiling!


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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6/4/16 4:12 P

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Nice jokes!



Hi! My name is William. Feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like someone to connect with!
Columbus, Ohio, USA
Eastern Time Zone
Heaviest weight: 280
Goal weight: 200 (for now)
SP Class of May 29 - June 4, 2016 Team Leader
"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started."
Mind Over Body: A 10 part series of articles that everyone on SP should read
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/mind_ov
er_body_fat.asp


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6/4/16 9:38 A

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haha...William...I love that super power, I would be standing in line to that one too!

Thank God
Albert took over an old, run-down, abandoned allotment. The beds were overgrown with weeds, the shed was falling down, and the greenhouse was just a frame with broken glass.

During his first day of work, the vicar stopped by to bless Albert's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the allotment of your dreams!"

A few months later, the vicar stopped by again. Lo and behold, it was completely transformed. The shed had been expertly rebuilt, vegetables were growing in neat rows and the greenhouse had been re-glazed and was full of plump, ripe tomatoes.

"Amazing!" exclaimed the vicar. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," said Albert, "but remember what the place was like when God was working it alone!"

Chicken Feed?
Jake decides that he wants to start farming chickens so he goes to the chicken farmer and buys 1000 chicks.

The next month Jake goes back and buys 500 more.
The following month he goes to the chicken farmer again and buys another 500 chicks, at which point the chicken farmer comments; "Your chicken farm must be coming along well now."

Jake looks glum and replies, "Sadly no. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Either I'm planting them too deep, or upside down, or too close together..."

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
6/4/16 8:24 A

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Hi William welcome to our silliness. I like your post.


Short Summer Jokes

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm bacon!

Q: What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?
A: Summer!

Q: How do you prevent a Summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!

Q: What do you call a french guy in sandals?
A: Phillipe Phloppe.

Q: When do you go at red and stop at green?
A: When you're eating a watermelon.

Q: How do men exercise at the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

Q: How hot is a Los Angeles summer?
A: So hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a pack of dogs!

Q: How do you know your city is suffering from a heatwave?
A: Every fat guy sweating in the city smells like Bacon!

Hair gets lighter, Skin gets darker, Music gets louder, Nights get longer, Life gets better. This Summer.



Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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5/28/16 2:28 P

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Hi! My name is William. Feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like someone to connect with!
Columbus, Ohio, USA
Eastern Time Zone
Heaviest weight: 280
Goal weight: 200 (for now)
SP Class of May 29 - June 4, 2016 Team Leader
"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started."
Mind Over Body: A 10 part series of articles that everyone on SP should read
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/mind_ov
er_body_fat.asp


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5/28/16 10:49 A

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Wanda thanks for getting us going this morning, your post made me smile and chuckle. I know where has May gone!


What Kind Of Exercise Do Lazy People Do?


Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do?

A: Diddly-squats.

Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona



Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy


One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.


Making Amends With The IRS


After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely.

Humorist Aaron Fullerton

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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5/28/16 9:50 A

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May 28 Silly Saturday

Our last silly Saturday of the May....how this month has flown by!

Clergy on the beach


Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery.

Presently, a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.

As she passed them she turned, smiled, and said: "Good morning father, good morning father." Nodding and addressing each of them individually.

They were both stunned; how in the world were they recognized as priests?

They went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning father", "good morning father" and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"




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You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
WANDAH3's Photo WANDAH3 Posts: 11,859
5/21/16 9:38 A

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Ten Things I know about you
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.



Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
5/21/16 9:11 A

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We only have one more silly Sat. left in this month. Hope your day is filled with laughter.

Wanda liked your post from last Sat.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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5/14/16 9:56 A

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Thanks for the giggles this morning Shirl.

Gardening One-liners

Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.

Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.

Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press your luck.

Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.

Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.

Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.

Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 10,656
5/14/16 9:43 A

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Have a fun day and hope you can find a giggle or two below.


Updated February 05, 2016.

For most people, laundry is no laughing matter. But, why not have a bit of fun and turn a clever phrase to make laundry chores more enjoyable?

Kids love a good joke and perhaps you can use some of this humor as a way to lure them into the laundry room and teach them how to do laundry while you're there!



Laundry Question and Answer Jokes

Q: What did the first sock say to the second sock in the dryer?

A: I'll see you the next time around



Q: Why don't men do laundry?

A: Because the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!



Q: What happens if a wolf falls in the washing machine?

A: He becomes a wash and werewolf.



Q: What happened to the leopard that fell into the washing machine?

A: He came out spotless.



Q: Why can't the comedian tell a dirty laundry joke?

A: It always comes out clean!



Laundromat Humor

Sign in a Laundromat over the washers:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Edited by: YOYONOMORE1 at: 5/14/2016 (09:45)
Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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5/7/16 10:35 A

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Some Mother's Day Humor. Wishing all mom's a Happy Mother's Day!

Things Mom Would Never Say
•"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
•"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
•"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
•"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
•"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
•"Well, if Rahul's mamma says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
•"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
•"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
•"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
----------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
-----------------------

Grandma on the Plane
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
---------------------

We have new Babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
---------------------

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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4/30/16 9:27 A

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Ha, ha, Wanda thanks for the giggles and smiles this morning on our last silly Sat. of April.

World’s Best One Liners

1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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4/30/16 8:31 A

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Up way to early for a Saturday morning so decided to start us off with a chuckle.

Mother's dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
NJMATTICE's Photo NJMATTICE Posts: 3,200
4/23/16 2:54 P

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A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

There's my contribution

~Nancy~



You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are. -Fred Rogers


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