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7/4/15 10:08 A

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Thanks for the giggles Shirl...have a wonderful day today.


From Canadian Jokes to Canadian Sarcasm

AsVancouver was hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, here are some silly questions that were asked by people from all over the world. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Web site. Obviously the answers are not to be taken seriously, but the questions were indeed asked and are now another addition to the collection of Canadian jokes!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

There you have it, pure sarcasm as part of these Canadian jokes.

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 9,516
7/4/15 9:23 A

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Happy 4th of July and our first silly Sat. of July.

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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6/27/15 10:51 A

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LOL... sounds like my place of work Shirl.

This one is so bad, I just had to share it *grin*

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is tu eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."


Wait for it



Wait for it



"I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".



Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 9,516
6/27/15 9:45 A

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June is passing by quickly, here we are at the last silly Saturday in this month. Enjoy your day and don't forget to laugh, it's good for the soul.

How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?



1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light
bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
**are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all headers and footers, and then
add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Giggles & Grins
Shirl


Shirl

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6/20/15 2:09 P

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One more silly Saturday after this one, June is flying by. Find some laughter in your day.

Choose the Right One


A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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6/13/15 11:57 A

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Find some laughter in your day.




Birthday Belief Systems

IDEALISM: Happy Birthday.

CAPITALISM: I shopped all day for your birthday.

COMMUNISM: We only celebrate Lenin's birthday.

CORPORATE AMERICA: Happy birthday. You're fired.

AGNOSTICISM: I'm not sure if it's your birthday or not.

ATHEISM: I can't believe it's your birthday.

HINDUISM: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday?

HINDUISM: Ever get that feeling you've been born before?

TAOISM: It's everybody's birthday.

BUDDHISM: If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came... would it make a sound?

CATHOLICISM: Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes.

EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you! Care for some Dry Sack?

LUTHERANISM: I take it on faith it's your birthday. So I don't need to send cards and gifts, right?

EXISTENTIALISM: Your birthday means nothing to me.

FUNDAMENTALISM: But when is your _spiritual_ birthday?

SARCASM: You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.

QUAKERS: I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday.

UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS: Have any kind of birthday you want.

Source: Joke-a-matic

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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6/6/15 10:30 A

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Wanda I think Harry is in big trouble, ha, ha.




The Crow and the Rabbit


A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of
a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Source: GCFL

Grins & Giggles
Shirl



Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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5/30/15 9:32 A

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I love the Optimist! Too funny.,

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 9,516
5/30/15 8:41 A

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We have arrived at our last silly Saturday of May, that seemed like a quick trip. Enjoy your day and don't forget to laugh.




Optimism
Wednesday, January 9, 2002

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their
looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.
If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed
to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,
the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their father
loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The
optimist's room, he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him
sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all these
instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly
need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the
pessimistic twin.

Passing the optimistic twin's room, the father found him dancing for
joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimistic twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in
here somewhere!"


Source: Friday Funnies

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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5/24/15 10:01 A

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HAHA... how true Shirl. Thanks for the explanations. *grin*

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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5/23/15 10:37 A

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Well we only have one more silly Saturday in May, boy this month went by quick. Find lots of laughter in your day!



Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?


NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.


Source: Good Clean Fun Archive


Grins & Giggles
Shirl



Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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5/16/15 10:31 A

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May 16 Silly Saturday

I was on early this morning so decided to get this one started.

The Beach Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms beforehand."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes
/weatherjokes/summerjokes.html




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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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5/9/15 10:11 A

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Happy silly Sat. and a Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there.




MOTHER'S DAY JOKES


A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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5/2/15 7:15 A

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Happy May and our first silly Saturday.




Doctors & Mechanics
Friday, April 20, 2001

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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4/25/15 9:46 A

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Good one Shirl. Thanks for the giggle this morning.

Philosophy of House cleaning:

I don't do windows because...I love birds and don't want one to fly into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because...I'm terrified a guest will slip and get hurt and then I will feel terrible (plus they might sue me)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because...they are very good company, I have named most of them and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because...I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't spring clean because...I love all the seasons and don't want any to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because...I don't want to get in God's way, He is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because.., my husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...I don't want my guests to stress over what to make when they invite me over to dinner.

I don't iron because...I choose to believe them when they say "permanent press".

I don't stress much on anything because..."A" type personalities die young and I want to stick around and become and crusty wrinkled old woman!

Hugs,
Wanda

Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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4/25/15 8:48 A

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Wow, how did we get to our last silly Saturday of April. Hope you have a laugh filled day.




Pull Over!
Thursday, January 10, 2002

"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied,
and she was fined seventy-five dollars for not wearing a seatbelt.

She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined
her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck
and she marked the check stub, "One pullover: $75."

Source: Jokes and Games




Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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4/11/15 12:18 P

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Hi guys! Shirl, no prize that week emoticon

These jokes, etc. are great! I look forward to my Saturdays. I am the world's worst joke teller--ask anyone who knows me! Glad you are excellent jokers!! Heehee!
emoticon
Priscilla

"With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.
--Thomas Foxwell Buxton


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4/11/15 9:21 A

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Shirl...love the terminology...those are great.

New boss in the building

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


Juan got Shot

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.

With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?"

"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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4/11/15 9:10 A

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Make this silly Saturday a day full of laughter!

Priscilla did the riddle win you anything at the store?

Medical terminology
Monday, February 25, 2002

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

Source: Aha Jokes

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3/28/15 1:40 P

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YOU GUYS!!!! OMG! I am still grinning (like a fool--heehee). Shirl--oh my. How risqué!! Loved all of them.
I bet if you both were listening hard you would have heard my laughing in Texas all the way up there.
By the way, one of the riddles is the answer to a contest question at my super market!! I'll have to go back and answer! Maybe I'll win something.
Y'all have a fantastic day.
Priscilla

Edited by: PFERG66 at: 3/28/2015 (13:41)
"With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.
--Thomas Foxwell Buxton


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3/28/15 9:47 A

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Good ones Shirl...I laughed right out loud at the second one!

Let's see what I can come up with for Easter:

Three fools died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first fool, "What is Easter?" He replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second fool the same question, "What is Easter?" The second one replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree,exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second fool, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third fool and asks, "What is Easter?" The third fool smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. "The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then he continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

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3/28/15 7:23 A

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How about some Easter riddles on this last silly Saturday of March. Have a laugh filled day.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
An egghead.

What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?
It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!

So, Easter commemorates when Jesus hid eggs for the disciples to find, and then he turned all the rabbits into chocolate, right?

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs?
From Eggplants.

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?
He was eggspelled!

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?
She had to call an eggs-terminator!

Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
Fry-days.

What kind of bunny can’t hop?
A chocolate one!

Why did the Easter egg hide?
He was a little chicken!

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Q: Why was the little girl sad after the race?
A: Because an egg beater!

Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: a hot cross bunny

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

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Shirl

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3/21/15 11:39 A

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LOVE IT! emoticon emoticon

"With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.
--Thomas Foxwell Buxton


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3/21/15 10:51 A

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Ha ha Wanda. Thanks for getting us going this morning.

Spring Fever
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

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3/21/15 10:28 A

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March 21...so for some of us Spring has arrived in all it's glory, for some of us...spring ushered in more snow! Time for some sillies to make us all smile.

Short Spring Jokes

Q. When do monkeys fall from the sky?
A. During Ape-ril showers!

Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May!

Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
A: Because they've just finished a long, 31 day March!

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring-time!

Q: What flowers grow on faces?
A: Tulips (Two-lips)!

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee (B) comes after it!

Q: When do people start using their trampoline?
A: Spring-Time

Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A hot cross bunny

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily!

Q: What does the Easter Bunny order at a Chinese Restaurant?
A: Hop Suey!

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny

Q: What does the Easter Rabbit get for making a basket?
A: Two points just like everybody!

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes
/weatherjokes/springjokes.html


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Those are some good ones, y'all!!

Here's mine for this silly Saturday:

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
A: At the funeral there's one fewer drunk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna
Texas

Check out my favorite musician (AKA my son!), Jake Novak, and his band, Ambrosius:
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Shir. thanks for the giggles again this week. In keeping with St. Paddy's day coming up...here are some more.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”


‘Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?’ asked McPhee.
‘Sure, she decided it for me,’ answered Kelly. ‘She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I’ve bought her a pack of cards!’


The Irishman had been found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.
‘Have you any last request?’ asked the prison warden.
‘Yes,’ replied the prisoner. ‘Would you hold my hand when I go?

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YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 9,516
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Ha, Donna love your post from last Sat. Well seeing the wearing of the green will be this Tuesday thought I'd go with some Irish humor. Have a great Silly Saturday!



A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says, “Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.”
The Kerry farmer says, “Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.”



A Spanish singer chatting on television used the word ‘manana’. When asked what that meant, he said it means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that, next week, next month or next year. Who cares?” An Irishman in the conversation, Shay Brennan, was then asked if there’s an Irish equivalent. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that level of urgency”





Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?”
Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”
His friend asked, “well what d’ye mean by that?”
Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another…it was neither of us.”

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all you say there?”
The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale, the place sounds grand to me



I’ve got my own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the beer. Forget about the stew.

O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”


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3/8/15 7:32 P

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AAAAAAAY-MEN!!! emoticon

"With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.
--Thomas Foxwell Buxton


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3/8/15 4:52 P

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My facebook feed is full of friends who are all excited about spring cleaning.
And I'm over here like:


Edited by: THEBLONDEGENIUS at: 3/8/2015 (16:52)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna
Texas

Check out my favorite musician (AKA my son!), Jake Novak, and his band, Ambrosius:
https://www.facebook.com/jakejizzle
https://www.facebook.com/Ambrosius80
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Hahahahaha! Where do you find these? Love 'em!
--Priscilla

"With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.
--Thomas Foxwell Buxton


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3/7/15 9:58 A

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Happy 1st silly Saturday of March. 13 more days till spring! Don't forget to set those clocks ahead 1 hr. this weekend.




Working in the garden
Thursday, December 20, 2001

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

Source: Aha

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Shirl



Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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2/28/15 5:42 P

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emoticon Loved 'em! Thanks!
--Priscilla

"With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.
--Thomas Foxwell Buxton


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2/28/15 5:28 P

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Hahaha...thank you for the guffaws.

.�*�� ) �.�*�) -:�:-
(�.��(� ;.�Maurizia.�*�)♥

Mauri, EASTERN TIME ZONE in NEW ENGLAND

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - St. Francis of Assisi

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2/28/15 11:30 A

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Hahahaha! Great jokes!! emoticon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna
Texas

Check out my favorite musician (AKA my son!), Jake Novak, and his band, Ambrosius:
https://www.facebook.com/jakejizzle
https://www.facebook.com/Ambrosius80
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2/28/15 9:56 A

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giggle, giggle...sounds like he doesn't like his MIL. *grin*

Here is a FIL one to go along side the MIL one:



Father-in-laws


A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks.

"I am a bible scholar" the young man replies.

"A bible scholar, huh", the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she is used to having?"

The young man replies, "I will study and God will provide for us".

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, which she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies and God provide for us", replies the young man.

The conversation proceeds in this manner, which each question the father asks, the young man replies that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did the conversation go?".

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God".

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2/28/15 9:09 A

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emoticon too funny Shirl...

Edited by: KSNICKER at: 2/28/2015 (09:09)

Kathy

AKA Mermaid

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Our last silly Sat. of Feb. Days are getting longer, sun is getting stronger and spring is on it's way, hooray! Have a great Silly Saturday, may your day be filled with laughter.

Mother In Law
Monday, September 24, 2001

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.


Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.


Mrs. Mueller is first.


"What do you wish for yourself?"


"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."


"Okay, that shall be granted to you."


Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.


Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.


"What do you wish for yourself?"


"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."


"Okay, that shall be granted to you."


The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.


Then comes Mueller himself.


"What do you wish for yourself?"


"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"


"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."


"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."


The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"


"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

Source: Laugh of the day

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Shirl

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2/22/15 9:22 A

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ahhh the trivia that we can find on just about anything! Thanks Shirl...I enjoyed reading that.

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Can you believe only one more silly Saturday left in Feb. We are getting closer to spring. Have a great silly Saturday.



Alternative Oscars
Wednesday, April 3, 2002

The Windbag Award: To Greer Garson. According to Oscar legend, she spent 90 rambling minutes at the podium after winning Best Actress in 1942 for Mrs. Miniver. But cooler heads say it was closer to seven minutes. Predictably, she began her speech by saying, "I'm practically unprepared."

The Fairy Tale Disaster Award: To Rob Lowe. In perhaps the most embarrassing Oscar opening, the 1988 organizers scripted a song-and-dance routine between Snow White and Lowe, who was introduced as her "blind date." Disney was so distressed that it sued.

The Brevity Is the Soul of Wit Award: To Alfred Hitchcock and Joe Pesci. After winning the Irving Thalberg Memorial Award in 1967 in recognition of his illustrious career, Hitchcock muttered "Thank you," and walked offstage. Twenty-three years later, after winning Best Supporting Actor for his work in Goodfellas, Joe Pesci did the same exact thing.

The Oscar D'Amore Award: To Cuba Gooding Jr., who exclaimed "I love you" 14 times — thanking everyone from God to Tom Cruise — after winning Best Supporting Actor for Jerry Maguire in 1996. Even after the orchestra interrupted him, he continued: "Everybody who was involved in this, I love you! I love you! I love you!"

The Nature Calls Award: To Meryl Streep, who left her just-claimed Oscar for Kramer vs. Kramer on the back of a toilet during the 1979 festivities.

The Au Naturel Award: To actor David Niven. In 1974, a streaker ran behind him as he was announcing the Best Picture award. The nudist flashed a peace sign — not to mention the Full Monty — to a shocked audience. Without missing a beat, Niven said the man would always be remembered "for his shortcomings."

The Silent Oscar Award: To Hal Roach, who received a special honor in 1991 for bringing Laurel & Hardy and many other classics to the big screen. Billy Crystal introduced him, and the audience gave him a booming ovation. But when everyone sat down, Roach, a centenarian, began speaking without a mike. The audience and TV viewers just stared for several moments, unable to hear him. Crystal quipped, "I think that's fitting since Mr. Roach started in silent film." It was Roach's last public appearance. He died six months later.

The Oscar Mayer Weiner Award: To Jack Palance, for dropping to the stage floor and doing one-armed pushups to celebrate his Best Supporting Actor award for City Slickers.

The Where Am I Now? Award: To Alice Brady, who won a Best Supporting Actress award for In Old Chicago in 1937. Brady wasn't present, but a man walked up and accepted the award on her behalf. After the show, neither he nor the Oscar was ever seen again.

The Get This Over With Award: To Sir Laurence Olivier. In 1985, the 78-year-old Shakespearean forgot to name the Best Picture nominees. He simply opened the envelope and proclaimed, "Amadeus!
"
Source: The Wolf Files

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Shirl

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Mauri and Wanda good ones, got me to giggle.

Shirl

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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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Thanks for the giggles Shirl and Mauri. I'm sitting here enjoying "sitting" and having my smoothie for breakfast. I've got the snow shoveled and I'm about ready for a nap *grin*

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!" The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"

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From www.readersdigest.com:


The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked. – Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo

Read more at http://www.readersdigest.ca/holiday/valent
ines-day/11-hilarious-valentines-day-t
rue-stories#5mFhG3qCVeudZMoz.99

.�*�� ) �.�*�) -:�:-
(�.��(� ;.�Maurizia.�*�)♥

Mauri, EASTERN TIME ZONE in NEW ENGLAND

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - St. Francis of Assisi

"Love yourself. You are the ultimate act of creation, fashioned by the hands of a Divine Artist." -GRACE card, Cheryl Richardson


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2/14/15 10:30 A

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Happy Valentine's Day!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
A: I'm stuck on you!

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it's all heart.

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A: Ughs and kisses!

Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.

Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: I love you a ton!

Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: You mean a great dill to me.

Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
A: A Valentiny!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!

Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're purrr-fect for me!

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A: Hogs and Kisses!

Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!

Q: Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?
A: Because you can really party hearty!

Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: "I'm sweet on you!"

Q: What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
A: "I love you with all my art!"

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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2/8/15 10:12 A

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Good one Shirl!

George is so forgetful

“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back.”Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You'll never guess what
happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't
bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this
half-million dollar order!”“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he'd forget the
sandwiches.”

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Forgetful#ixzz3R
AOZmn96


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2/7/15 10:43 A

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Happy first silly Saturday of Feb.




Don‘t you remember
Friday, April 27, 2001

A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the barman tells him he owes 6.50.

"But I paid you, don't you remember?" replies the customer.
"Okay," says the barman, "if you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the barman can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later plays the same trick.

The barman replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes out into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how he got some free drinks and told him to try it too.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink double scotches when suddenly, the barman leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the mouth."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Source: Joke Machine

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


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1/31/15 11:12 A

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Good ones, Donna, Shirl & Wanda!

I am thinking if I post silly winter jokes, my anxiety level may drop a bit...so here goes. These are from funology.com. My favorite is the one about the farmer.

Q: How do Eskimos make their beds?
A: With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snowcaps.

Q: What did the snowman say to the customer?
A: Have an ice day!

Q: What do you call a slow skier?
A: A slopepoke!

Q: Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?
A: Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!

Q: Where does a polarbear keep its money?
A: In a snow bank!

Q: What do you call a snowman in the desert?
A: A puddle!

Q: How does an Eskimo stick his house together?
A: With igloo!

Q: What is a snowman’s favorite breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!

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Mauri, EASTERN TIME ZONE in NEW ENGLAND

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - St. Francis of Assisi

"Love yourself. You are the ultimate act of creation, fashioned by the hands of a Divine Artist." -GRACE card, Cheryl Richardson


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1/31/15 9:54 A

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Happy Silly Saturday...nothing like a good chuckle to start the day!



Home
Spring Jokes
The Reverand

The Reverand

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


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1/31/15 7:28 A

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Well here we are at the last silly Saturday of Jan. Feb. is a short month then here comes March and spring, woo hoo, we'll make it yet. Donna liked your post from last time. Have a laughed filled Saturday.




Doctors & Mechanics
Friday, April 20, 2001

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


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1/24/15 12:30 P

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I'll have to be more careful when trying to improve my cell phone signal!

The silliest thing I've seen today was a tweet from a young man:

"If I had a dollar for every girl who didn't find me attractive....
eventually they'd all think I was attractive."

That made me laugh out loud!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna
Texas

Check out my favorite musician (AKA my son!), Jake Novak, and his band, Ambrosius:
https://www.facebook.com/jakejizzle
https://www.facebook.com/Ambrosius80
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1/24/15 9:08 A

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We are quickly approaching the last silly Saturday of Jan. Hope your day is filled with laughter.






Mobile Phones: Hazadous to Health
Wednesday, May 2, 2001

The following is extracted from "The REGISTER" - a British IT message board - Posted 26/04/2000 11:58am by Linda Harrison.


Man plunges to his death using mobile phone. It's official - mobile phones can seriously damage your health.

A North London man has plunged ten floors to his death after apparently trying to get a signal on his mobile.

An inquest heard how Noel Connelly, 38, frequently made phone calls in the early hours - to take advantage of cheap rate calls - while standing on the balcony of his Islington flat.

According to Connelly's former flatmate, he may have been trying to get a better signal when he fell. His body was only found when a neighbour opened his curtains to his ground-floor patio in the early hours of 19 August last year.

The coroner at St Pancras Coroner's Court recorded an open verdict.

Last month a man was injured in a Mexican zoo after sneaking into a lion's cage to rescue his mobile phone. The unfortunate prankster's handset started ringing in the cage and awoke the beast, which then attacked him.

Source: GCFL

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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1/17/15 9:50 P

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Ooh, you funny women!

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna
Texas

Check out my favorite musician (AKA my son!), Jake Novak, and his band, Ambrosius:
https://www.facebook.com/jakejizzle
https://www.facebook.com/Ambrosius80
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Good one, Shirl.

From jokeoftheday.com:

Ponderings Collection 41


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?


Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

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"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - St. Francis of Assisi

"Love yourself. You are the ultimate act of creation, fashioned by the hands of a Divine Artist." -GRACE card, Cheryl Richardson


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Find some laughter in your day.

Internal Government Memo
Sunday, April 8, 2001

Due to increasing criticism about excessive governmental spending and bloated bureaucratic budgets, we are immediately scaling back to only basic essentials. Therefore effective immediately the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2009: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2010: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2011: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2012: I will work out 3 days a week.
2013: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.


How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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Happy silly Saturday!




Out of the mouths of babes
Saturday, August 25, 2001

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

Better To Be Safe Than. .. Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of.. Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Cant Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust... Me!

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There is... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry & You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

Source: SurfCCC

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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1/4/15 8:40 A

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Hahahaha...Love those stories both. For some reason I don't get the notice for Saturdays. Will try to join in next week.



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"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - St. Francis of Assisi

"Love yourself. You are the ultimate act of creation, fashioned by the hands of a Divine Artist." -GRACE card, Cheryl Richardson


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1/3/15 11:06 A

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thanks for the chuckles this morning Shirl...they are great!

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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1/3/15 10:46 A

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Welcome to our first silly Saturday of the new year. Join us here for a chuckle and if you have a funny to share post it here.

Signs & Notices


On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait"

Source: PBBT

Giggles & Grins
Shirl

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Wanda thanks for getting silly Saturday going, I meant to get here this morning, but as you see I didn't make it.

•What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

•Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!

•Cinderella was a poor football player- Do you know the reason?
Answer: She used to run away from the ball.

•Name the child's favorite Christma king?
Answer: A stocking.

• On Christmas morning the coy boy said what?
Answer: Mooooey Christmas.

• What Mary Popins wanted from Santa?
Answer: Superclausfragilisticexpiallisnowshoes
.
• What do you all know about ig?
Answer: An Eskimo house without Loo.

• How yeti gets down from the hill top?
Answer: By-icicle.

• If the vampire crosses the road you will find what?
Answer: Frost bite.

• Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
Answer: It doesn’t have legs.

• What for the trumpet of Ken was kept in the freezer?
Answer: Because he loves cool music.

• Name the special part of your body during Christmas?
Answer: mistletoe.

• Differentiate between Christmas alphabet and ordinary alphabet?
Answer: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

•What did the pack of Walkers say to the Skips?
Answer: Merry Crispmass

•You should be careful at Christmas - why?
Answer: There are mince spies about!

Read more at http://www.theholidayspot.com/christmas/jo
kes/general.htm#XbyFO85w9sLItbCz.99

Giggles & Grins
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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Dec 20 Silly Saturday

Mistletoe Joke: Kissing Under The Mistletoe

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section: ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland?’

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said: ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per meter’.

‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 meters’.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said: ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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I'm up and about and decided it was time in my day for a giggle....here goes

What A Boy Wants For ChristmasVery Funny Christmas Jokes

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.'

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right. In that case I'll take two.'
What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'


Saying a Prayer for the Christmas Meal

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"

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You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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Wanda you are such a sweetheart, thanks for doing silly Saturday, I was up and going at 6 a.m., it's been a long day, but I think we did pretty good.

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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Dec 06 Silly Saturday.

Good luck Shirl at the bake sale today. Thought I would get us started seeing as you are most likely very busy this weekend.


Thank you notes

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.







Positive Bloggers

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11/29/14 10:04 A

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haha Shirl....I'm going to use a candle instead!

Politically Correct Christmas Story


'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was a wreck ...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you KNOW that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on the Ellen show, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was "Ms."
.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with THAT word these days.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even YOU!

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace On Earth."

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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11/29/14 7:34 A

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Where has this month gone, we are all ready at our last silly Saturday in Nov. Hope all had a great Thanksgiving and found much to be thankful for.

Internal Government Memo
Sunday, April 8, 2001

Due to increasing criticism about excessive governmental spending and bloated bureaucratic budgets, we are immediately scaling back to only basic essentials. Therefore effective immediately the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.


Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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11/22/14 10:53 A

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Thanks for the chuckles Shirl...it's a great way to start the day.

Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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11/22/14 9:10 A

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Seeing Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the states thought some turkey humor would be appropriate.


Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!

Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.


Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!


After Thanksgiving dinner was finished, Mort saw his little brother Sid in the backyard, poking holes in the dirt and filling them in with birdseed.
"Why are you planting birdseed?" Mort asked.
"I'm growing next year's turkey," Sid replied.


Jimmy: Mmmmm! That turkey smells good and it's not even done yet. How long will it be?
Mom: About the same length as it was before I put it into the oven, I suppose.


Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing! Wing!


It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"


Q: What's a turkey's favorite song?
A: "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"


An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I don’t know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Read more at http://www.theholidayspot.com/thanksgiving
/thanksgiving_jokes.htm#EPHzzGiet5gL7b
0L.99

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Shirl

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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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11/15/14 10:17 A

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Love it Shirl...he spoke the truth!

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. It's Christmas, Eve.

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"

When you consider Christmas, there are four stages in your life:-
1) You believe in Santa
2) You don't believe in Santa
3) You are Santa
4) You look like Santa

Positive Bloggers

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

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11/15/14 9:24 A

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Have a great silly Saturday!

Announcements from the pulpit
Friday, November 2, 2001

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"


Source: The Good Clean Fun Archive

Grins & Giggles
Shirl




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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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11/8/14 5:53 P

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Wanda thank you so much for doing silly Saturday for me, I could of gotten it done before leaving this morning, but I couldn't get online. It was nice to come home and see your post, made me giggle and smile.

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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11/8/14 9:34 A

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Nov 8 Silly Saturday.

Come and join in sharing a smile, a giggle or an outright laugh. It's good for the soul.

Time for some winter humor...we had snow overnight!

Short Snow Jokes
Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long? A: Polaroids!

Q: What's an ig? A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce? A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch ? A: Icebergers !

Q: What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? A: Snow and Tell.

Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together? A: A receding hare line.

Q: How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet? A: Don't go around BRRfooted!

Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? A: Owlgebra.

Q:. Where does a snowman keep his money? A: In a snow bank.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack? A: An abdominal snowman.

Q: What do you call an old snowman? A: Water!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!

Q: What do Snowmen call their offspring? A: Chill-dren.

Q: How does a Snowman get to work? A: By icicle.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes
/weatherjokes/snowjokes.html


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11/1/14 10:20 A

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Happy November Shirl...there is a real grain of truth in today's Silly Saturday *grin*

"Canada temperature conversion"

60 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Canada sunbathe
50 above:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
40 above:
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above:
Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
20 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
15 above:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
-0 -
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada lick the flagpole.
20 below:
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadians get out their winter coats.
40 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold
enough.
80 below:
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadians rent some videos.
100 below:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below:
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below:
ALL atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below:
Hell freezes over.
The Canadian Hockey team wins Olympic gold.

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Canada_temp
erature_conversion#ixzz3HpJPVKXD



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11/1/14 7:45 A

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Well we have arrived at our first silly Saturday of Nov. don't forget to change your clocks tonight back an hour. Wish they'd leave time alone.




The Crow and the Rabbit


A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of
a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Source: GCFL

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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10/25/14 5:38 P

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That's a good one Wanda, thanks for doing the silly Saturday, I was busy right from the start this morning.

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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10/25/14 9:58 A

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Oct 25 Silly Saturday

Join us in sharing a giggle or out right laugh. Make today a day filled with smiles and silliness.


A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. “Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.” Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. “That was amazing”, exclaimed the coach “I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?” “Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey, “let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?!”



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10/19/14 9:45 A

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Thanks for the giggles Shirl.


There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."

"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

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10/18/14 10:40 A

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Wow, we only have one more silly Saturday left in October, my how time fly's. I am figuring out how to do things on my new computer.

Excuse notes received by teachers...

Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

Grins & Giggles
Shirl


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10/4/14 10:39 A

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I have had that happen to me...you aren't sure if the person is talking to you or not, especially when they wear those ear phones.

As a fourth-year medical student and aspiring family physician, I was working in the Family Medicine Clinic at the Kingston General Hospital. My patient was a downcast, middle-aged woman attending for her annual physical.

She'd been in a few times before, but background information was scanty, so I started a comprehensive workup: past medical history, family history, systems review, the works.

When I got to the social history, she revealed that she had a mentally handicapped son. As she described the difficult life of caring for him, her voice and posture told of her sadness. She'd struggled for years, but eventually, "It was too much for me and I had to put him in Smiths Falls" - the Rideau Regional Hospital just outside that town. "He was there for several years."

I told her that I understood how difficult her life had been. Impressed with my keen ability to pick up on the nuances of her works, expression and posture, I asked, "I notice you speak of his stay in Smiths Falls in the past. Is he not still there?"

I expected to hear the unfortunate fellow had left this vale of tears.

"Oh no!" she said, brightening immensely. "He moved to Ottawa and got a job with the government."

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10/4/14 10:07 A

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Our first silly Saturday of Oct., time marches on.

I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?” Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.” “What are you doing?” Asked the same voice. To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m releaving myself.” Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions.”

Read more at: Great Clean Jokes

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
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9/27/14 11:45 A

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Sept 27 Silly Saturday

MY PARENTS, who are real do-it-your-selfers, were sprucing up their basement. They picked out bright orange shag carpeting and then spread it over our lawn in order to measure and cut it. The neighbors watched curiously. After a while, the teenage daughter of one neighbor spoke up. "Our family has taken a vote," she said. "I've been elected to tell you that if we have any voice in this, we would prefer you leave your lawn the color it is."


A BLONDE, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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9/20/14 9:48 A

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Good morning to all you sillies, hope your day is full of laughter.

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.” So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic. “Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”

Read more at: Great Clean Jokes

Grins & Giggles
Shirl

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Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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9/13/14 10:20 A

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hahahahaha...Garry and I are still giggling Shirl. What a good way to start my day.


Here is a groaner:

A preacher and his flock at a very poor church in the hills of Tennessee took up collections, baked cakes and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weatherbeaten. Finally they went to Walmart and bought enough paint for the job and all joined together on a Saturday morning to complete the job. When they were about half finished they realized that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. The preacher said, "Its a water base paint, just thin it down with water." They continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth and when they finally finished it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and a very light green (almost white) at the bottom. The preacher and his flock were standing on a nearby hill admiring their work when a dark cloud appeared and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly applied paint off the church. The preacher was in tears and the congregation was stunned at all the hard work they had done for nothing.

Just then there was a huge lightening flash followed by the roll of thunder and a loud voice from the heavens rang out, "REPAINT, REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE."

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You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 9,516
9/13/14 9:38 A

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Happy silly Saturday1

A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will. The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff. “Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me: ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’ “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”

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Shirl

Shirl

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Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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9/6/14 10:54 A

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Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Submitted by JH

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Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 9,516
9/6/14 9:53 A

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Here we are at our first silly Saturday of Sept. Join us here for a laugh and hopefully add your own funny to help give us a laugh.

“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”

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Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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8/30/14 12:41 P

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Wanda thanks for the giggles and for getting silly Saturday started. I had no connection early, saw the maintenance guy and asked him if he would reset it and he did so was finally able this afternoon to get on. Here's my contribution to silly Saturday.

A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog. “Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.” They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp. The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard. Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog. “Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.” “Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband. “I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!

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Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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8/30/14 10:46 A

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August 30 Silly Saturday

Please join us in leaving a giggle, a smile or an outright laugh for an uplifting experience for all.


Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."




Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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8/2/14 11:35 A

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Thanks for the giggle Shirl.


The Weigh Scale

Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "Don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"



Mom's Dictionary

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
YOYONOMORE1's Photo YOYONOMORE1 Posts: 9,516
8/2/14 10:05 A

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Good silly morning to all on our first one of August. This one gave me a giggle, hope it works for you too.

So, I’m sure you all heard of John Hoki, the inventor of the Hoki Poki. While John’s life is well known, what’s not so well know, is a story that happened at his funeral in the late 1940′s. Being that John was quite a popular fella, mostly due to the Hoki Poki, which spread like wildfire through his small Middle Eastern town, thousands showed up for his funeral, all coming to bid him farewell. Well, it happened right before the ceremony was about to begin, when the undertaker gently lifted John up to place him in the coffin. The problem that arose was that as soon as they put his right foot in…….(I’m sure you can figure out the rest.)

Read more at: Great Clean Jokes

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Shirl

Shirl

Co-leader Positive Blogger's Team



Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.
William Arthur Ward

Every day remind yourself of your own ability, of your good mind and affirm that you can make something really good out of your life. Norman Vincent Peale


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7/26/14 10:16 A

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too funny Shirl... thanks for the giggle this morning.

The Reason I'm Tired:

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!

Read more at: undefined | Great Clean Jokes



Positive Bloggers

You are the creator of your own reality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~Proverb
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