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8/25/15 6:41 A

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Calling parents of boys

Growing up, I had all sisters and girls cousins, with an occasional boy cousin here and there - so I don't know what's normal for brothers.

My twin 12 year old sons have started being more physically aggressive with each other - pushing, shoving, wrestling. While some of that has been OK in the past, they're now much larger and stronger, and more frequently, someone ends up in tears. I tell them to knock it off (and they both play soccer, there is some outlet for physical activity) but how far do you let it go?

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8/22/15 11:36 P

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I have a couple of thoughts.

One is that your daughter is attention seeking using 'shock tactics'

and the other is that perhaps she might benefit from being assessed by a Psychiatrist. You would be advised to talk with her Dr about this and ask for a referral. It is possible that there is something entirely different going on that hasn't been diagnosed. Without an accurate diagnosis, it is quite likely that the help she gets isn't fully appropriate to her needs, and that includes the counseling that she had. ALSO, sometimes where one counselor may not succeed, another may - i.e. different personality and.or different approach.

Good luck,
Kris

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8/22/15 12:18 P

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Looking to see if anyone has some advice for me and my 14yr old daughter. She has recently let us know that she is gay. No issues here other than she constantly keeps reminding everyone that she's gay which sometimes i feel is inappropriate for the situation. She has also intimated she thinks she is a boy trapped in a girls body and has an obsession with drag queens.

She is struggling to maintain friendships at school and this is usually because she is so opinionated or tries to help to much - this is a good feature but she doesn't know when to back off when asked.

Last year she went through a period of self harm and to be honest i thought she would go off the rails with her behaviour. School even reported us to social services as they had heard my daughter talking about having sex with young men (she wasn't!) Thankfully we spoke with SS and they had no issues.

Its causing a lot of stress between me and my partner. He has been amazing with her but we both struggle with her behaviour. I have to admit i kinda just bury my head in the sad whilst he is all for challenging her.

She has had counselling but it didn't help. Her relationship with her dad is difficult although she will go there and stay for a few days - he goes to work and leaves her with the tv!

Has anyone got any advice ?

K x

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5/20/15 5:27 P

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5/20/15 1:12 P

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Thank you for your advice! My husband and I set up something similar right before I read this. Each day she is on her best behavior she gets to stay up past her bedtime and in those 20 minutes or so, the time is hers! We will play a game with her, play outside, anything her heart desires within reasoning. So far this has worked for 2 days, which is a miracle in my opinion! I then added, if we have a 7 day record I will add another prize/reward on every 7th day streak. I'm crossing my fingers that she is slowly learning that good behavior is the way to go! Then, I worry about her always expecting rewards. Hopefully we will come to an understanding.

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5/20/15 12:42 A

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Your daughter is being a typical pre-teen, and as such, the methods that one would generally use on a younger child won't often work with an older child.

Perhaps it might be worth thinking about what the issues are, and re-thinking your intervention-type methods.

One method which often works is to NOT shout, smack, punish via 'lines" via written sentences, etc., but rather take something that your daughter treasures off her, UNTIL such time as her behaviour improves. Each time she lies, curses, etc. take something off her. Have her maintain good behavior for a week, and she 'earns' one of those things taken off her, back. She might scream, yell, etc. when you are taking them off her, but that is just a brief flick of the eye in the overall scheme of things. t might be that another option would be a treat for good behaviour - not with food, but maybe going somewhere that she might enjoy, or going to movie, etc.

Don't pick her up about every little thing that you deem to be a negative, such as not setting the table exactly when you say to, her not rushing in to tidy her bedroom immediately. Let it go for a little while and remind her. Tell her at THAT stage that if she needs reminding, there will be consequences, and spell out what those consequences will be. (NOT smacking or physical punishment.) Choose the more serious things and let the more minor ones go. Explain WHY lying and swearing isn't appropriate rather than just say "DON'T LIE" - explain how when a person is known to lie or steel, it comes to the time when they might be telling the truth, but because they are known to lie/steel, no-one will believe them. Your husband and you both need to be on the same page, so talk about this with him, (but without your children around), first.

Remember, it won't work overnight, but it WILL work, so long as you are consistent and patient.

Being a Christian shouldn't come into this. If you use Christianity in your argument, you might just turn her away from something that can be wonderful in her life.

Good luck,
Kris

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5/18/15 4:14 P

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I am worn out after another weekend of back-talking and name-calling. My 9 year old daughter has frazzled my mind and put me in tears again. I feel like I have been a straight forward and strict parent while raising her. But now we are at that point where nothing seems to work. Discipline does not phase her. She maintains a straight A report card but is slipping in other areas. She lacks responsibility, tells me no, calls me names, and has now started cursing and lying. My husband and I are Christians and cringe each time something like this comes out of this little girl's mouth. I have tried grounding, spanking, time-outs, writing sentences, harder chores, and so on. NOTHING WORKS. I hope and pray that this is a phase, but it seems to get worse each day.

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3/16/15 5:43 P

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Hi I can relate to LSTANTON4 story about her daughter and the problems. I have the same problems with my almost 7 year old. She does not listen to me and is openly oppositional but is apparently good in school and with her father. Her father won't take her to be evaluated because he and the school do not have any problems with her.

I have supervised visitation where my mom or dad have to be there and we have had a long break from visits because of surgery my mom was supposed to have. Now she is having it at a different time. Now my mom is saying she does not want to supervise because she has enjoyed the break. Very upsetting for me to hear.

I never know when to take her seriously and it hurts me and my girls if we can't be together so I don't know what to do. I speak to my daughters tonight and get to tell them the good news that I get to see them on Wednesday and Sunday but I know they will be disappointed we won't have the whole weekend together because I have to work. When I told my mom I could change the work schedule and be free on Saturday; she says "Don't do that to me." It is frustrating and upsetting to hear. The only thing I can think of is to get a paid supervisor but there would be no more overnight visits and the kids would have to go back and forth on Saturday and Sunday like we did years ago. It would be a step backwards.

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6/17/14 1:26 A

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It is sad that he is finding it really tough. Hopefully he will see that he has a good future ahead of him and that it isn't dependent on Amy.

I wonder how he would respond to a challenge, and that challenge to prove your thoughts that he 'afraid' to see a Psychologist, wrong.

Just a thought!

Good luck,
Kris xxx

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6/17/14 1:11 A

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Jason didn't want to go to the Psychologist. The whole weekend he kept himself busy, running, playing squash, going to the movies, visiting friends and I really thought everything was fine. Yesterday, afternoon he told me that he'd sent Amy another sms to tell her how he felt and that he wanted her back. Amy's mother then spoke to him and asked him to please leave Amy alone. Jason said that its finally over. But I don't think its so easy for him to just stop loving her. Oh well, maybe he'll consider the Psychologist now!

Take it one day at a time


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6/10/14 2:59 A

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I hope that this works well for your son. The 'calming' tabs might actually help settle him to sleep o.k. Hopefully he agrees to the Psychologist. I think it would probably be the best form of treatment that he can have under the circumstances.

Good luck, and thanks for letting us know. Continue to keep in touch!

Kris xxx

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6/10/14 2:39 A

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Took my son to the counsellor on Saturday. He says it didn't really help because it just made him deal with his feelings (that's kinda the point). Anyway, took him to the Dr yesterday and he gave him some calming tablets as well as a sleeping pill (only for 10 days). He suggested that I take him to see a psychologist as they will be able help him over this and also help him to deal with these type of situations in the future.

Take it one day at a time


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6/3/14 3:00 A

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Going out once or twice may not do much in itself, but going out regularly can do wonders. The more he does something without his former girlfriend being with him, the easier it will get.

Good luck,
Kris

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6/3/14 2:28 A

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Hi Kris, Funnily enough, straight after writing my message I gave the Church a call and have left a message for one of the Counsellors to contact me.

I think you're right he is in 'mourning'. He has gone out with his friends, dinner, movies but that doesn't seem to help. He even went to a car show last weekend and when he got back he said he really enjoyed himself but kept wishing that she was with him

Appreciate the advice.

Take it one day at a time


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6/3/14 2:08 A

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I can understand how he feels - a lot of people still feel a bit 'raw' after just a month. He is 'mourning' which is a form of grief. That is no different than if a loved member of a family dies. Some people can take months, even years to come to terms with the loss.

What I suggest is rather than telling him to 'get over it' which can really be counter-productive, you are best to suggest that he talks with a Therapist who specializes in grief. His Dr will be able to refer him to one.

OR, if he belongs to a Church and feels comfortable enough, talk with the Pastor/Priest/Minister. They can be very helpful, too.

It would be good to encourage him to go out with a group of friends. Perhaps Movies, Bowling or for a bike ride etc. That would help him a lot.

What he keeps saying is wishful thinking on his part. Whether it happens or not, time will tell.

Sending him good thoughts,
Take care,
Kris

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6/3/14 1:59 A

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I have a son (22). He broke up with his girlfriend and now he wants her back. She is not interested and says she wants to experience life. He is devastated. I think he thought that he'd break up and then she'd come back to him because she loves him.

Its now been a month since they broke up and he is still 'mourning' the loss. He can't sleep at night. Sleeps when he is with us (in front of the TV). I don't know what to say or do to make him feel better. I think that a month is really enough and he should just get over it. But, I know that everyone is different and obviously he still has very strong feelings for her.

He keeps saying things like - she is going to bump her head and come running back to me. I tell him that she has moved on and so must he.

Any advise?

Take it one day at a time


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12/20/13 11:55 P

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That is a GREAT share, and I am sure, very helpful to others in similar situations.

I hope that she doesn't resort to her initial behavior pattern.

Kris

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12/20/13 11:32 P

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sorry. new to posting. this was for Sunshine5567

Hi. I know you posted this a long time ago and I hope you have found some answers to your problem. I guess I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and it felt good for me to know the same.
I'm not a great communicator either so I hope this makes sense. This is also probably a stupid question - Have they looked at your son possibly having Oppositional Defiant Disorder? My 8 yr old was diagnosed in May this year and then I was told she is a "lying control freak". She was physically abusing me, a great manipulator and never took the blame for anything she did. My insurance won't pay for any therapy for her except for medication so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I did get a program online that's actually geared more towards teens. I haven't finished the program but even some of the quick fixes in the first cd helped me. She wanted the attention when she threw fits and screamed through the house and they advised to give her straight direction as to what she needed to do and walk away. The first time I did this she didn't believe it and the screaming stopped. Amazed me. Then I got some other suggestions from the psychiatrist she saw that made the diagnosis. She would tell me what the consequences were going to be for her (in front of her which seemed to make it more real) and then when I actually did it she realized mom wasn't around her pinky anymore. She still has her days (she's like a werewolf and the fangs come out during moon phase). My friends think I'm kidding but it's true.

Anyway, I just wanted to share and hope things are better now.

Edited by: LSTANTON4 at: 12/20/2013 (23:35)
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4/26/13 10:40 P

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With my daughter I had figured out how long after a meal she would go, and about 5 minutes before that would put her on a good potty - not too low to the ground so her knees weren't up around her ears - and would give her some toys and she would watch her favourite program on TV. That way she was distracted, but would feel the positive effect. As a result she was out of nappies at a very early age. I just used to use the real thick washable knickers for little accidents, just in case.

In response to Pam - I think it IS a case of 'parent potty training' - I started my daughter at a few weeks - just holding her over the toilet after each feed. I never sat her on the potty until she was able to sit unaided, and even then, she was out of nappies before 8 months, but that was because I knew the time she was likely to go!

Kris

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 4/26/2013 (22:42)
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4/26/13 5:25 P

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Yes, she is definitely a little beauty. She is very smart, too. She knows to go to the potty at your parents' house, but she knows she can get away with wearing a diaper at home. Have you tried setting a timer to go off every 30 minutes or so, and taking her to the potty every time it goes off? That is a lot of trouble, but since she is so intelligent, she will probably get the idea in a day or two.

Another suggestion would be to see if the Preschool would let you come by with her a couple of times before she is to begin in the fall. You can comment on how all of those "big kids" are using the potty, and how she can go to the preschool when she will go to the potty like those 'big kids.'

I am definitely not an authority on that topic because like I said, my 'baby' is 28 years old! I just remember that a lot of my friends had their kids in 'big boy' pants when their children were younger that either of my sons. However, my pediatrician said that those kids weren't really potty trained, their parents were trained to take them to the potty every few minutes. I don't know it that is really true or not. I think some children are just easier to 'get the idea' than others.

Good luck in this. Take care, and keep in touch.

HUGS
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4/26/13 10:57 A

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emoticon Pam!! That sure is her on my page. She is definitely the light of my life!!

We've tried pullups but they are more less just a slide on diaper and in my opinion kind of a waste of money until your child just needs them at night time. My parents bought her some Tinkerbell big girl undies for Christmas, which from time to time she will ask to wear. However, she will still pee and poop in them. She doesn't care. She knows she's gotta go but most of the time just doesnt wanna go to the potty and go. When she stays at my parents, they tell me what a good job she does going there. I just don't get it. I try not to push it too much but it's still frustrating at times. She wants to go to 3 yr old Preschool in the fall but needs to be potty trained and I keep telling her that but so far no such luck. Maybe one day, it will all just click and she will just decide she doesn't want diapers anymore.

Edited by: DEWADDICTNOMORE at: 4/26/2013 (10:57)
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4/26/13 1:42 A

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Is that beautiful little girl in the photos on your SparkPage the 3 year old of which you are speaking? She is darling!

I am sure things have changed since I had little ones (my 'baby' is 28), but I do remember the words of my pediatrician when we discussed potty training. She advised me to not waste my time trying to potty train my son until he was around two and a half years old. She said that around that age, they are old enough to actually understand, and also they have more control over their bladder. So around that age, I bought him some 'super hero big boy pants,' and told him to 'keep them dry.' He did a pretty good job of it, too. He was around three before I stopped putting a diaper on him at night. Also, he was around 3 before he would 'poop' in the potty.

Maybe your child just isn't ready yet. I wouldn't get too stressed over it, nor would I stress the child about it. This will be easier for BOTH of you if you can relax a little about it. They have those cute little "pullups" now that they didn't have when my babies were little. Try those, if you haven't already.

Someone with smaller children who may be going through the same thing as you may be able to respond with more updated information.

Good Luck to you!

HUGS
Pam

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4/25/13 9:08 A

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Trying to potty train my almost 3 year old is SO frustrating!!!

Jessica

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2/7/13 10:36 P

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Hi SUNSHINE5567,

You say you 'can't talk to him.' Why not? It sounds like maybe he is used to being disrespectful to you without any consquences. He is 16, and still a child. YOU are the parent! Sometimes disrespectful kids grow out of it as they get a little older, but if you feel like a 'prisoner in your own home,' some type of action needs to be taken NOW! What does he do or say that makes you feel like a 'prisoner in your own home?' He may behave like this because he knows that he can get away with it.

Does he have any adult males in his life (dad, grandfather, uncle) who might be willing to talk to him about his behavior and disrespect for you?

I am keeping you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself, and know that we care about you. Keep in touch with us.

HUGS
Pam



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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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2/7/13 3:10 P

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I am unable to give suggestions regarding your son, but am really pleased that he is in therapy. Even tho' you feel it won't do him any good, I am sure that SOMETHING will get through to him, even if it isn't a lot.

What I will suggest to you is for YOU - MAKE SURE that you have some YOU time, totally separate from your son. Do things that YOU find relaxing and enjoyable. Another thing that I will suggest is that IF you aren't receiving any Therapy, it may be very beneficial to help you through this. Also, if you aren't on any meds, sometimes taking a mild dose of something helps to relieve our own anxiety about the issues surrounding us. If you ARE on meds, then it may be that it is time for a review. Perhaps now is the time for you to touch base with your Dr???

Know that we care and will support you in any way that we can!

I am sending you BIG hugs
Kris xxx



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2/7/13 9:28 A

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Thanks for the hugs. I'm not a great communicator. I tend to ramble. My son is just a boy that I can't understand. Even his teachers have never met someone quite like him they've said. He has no respect for me. He has been a handful since he was little. I have had him mentally evaluated and they came back with conduct disorder and a developing personality disorder. But they also said they did not feel as if the were diagnosing the real child, He's a great manipulator.. And very funny. Bottom line is that he is highly intelligent has a sense of entitlement and is highly impulsive. It's the lack of respect that he shows for me that hurts me so much. He is in therapy but only because its mandatory. I don't think he will gain anything from it because he doesn't think there's a problem. I am a prisoner in my own home and the worst part is knowing that he is the the real prisoner inside himself and I'm not the one who can help him. I love him, but I can't help him because I can't talk to him.

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2/7/13 4:44 A

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Hi - I am glad that you have found this thread!

If you elaborate a wee bit more about what is happening, and perhaps a bit of background, then we will be better able to help you.

You will find that this is a very caring and helpful team.

Take care,
Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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2/6/13 4:45 P

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I am sorry that you are having problems with your teenage son. Tell us more about it.

Are you currently seeing anyone in the medical profession for your depression. If not, be sure to check in with your doctor, and let him know about this.

Take care, and keep in touch. Let us know how we can help.

Try to get your SparkPage created so that we can post supportive comments there. We are here for you, and WE CARE.

HUGS
Pam

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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2/6/13 2:18 P

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My 16yr old son is trying to give me heart attack and my depression is getting worse.

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9/2/12 2:04 A

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This topic is for discussing the ups and downs of parenting babies, toddlers, pre-teens, teens, and even adult children.

HUGS
Pam

Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

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ndividual.asp?gid=953


I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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