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My-- that sounds just like me and my husband! I hadn't thought of his "criticalness" really being his "eeyore'ness". He definitely has that eeyore tendency and I often see it when he is not making comments about me and worry about how pessimistic he can be-- but when his comments seem like they about me I take it personally.
Maybe I can also stop and reflect if that negativity isn't really about me and be less sensitive to it.
SW 8/1/08 229.
Ok page 122's message smacked me in the face yesterday "Mistake #2 Old Anger Is Not The Same As Current Anger." I was pretty tired yesterday, going up and down the ladder applying primer to the newly textured walls in the foyer and living room. I was getting hot & tired, and had just backed into wet paint as my husband came home, so I was a little ragged. My husband mentioned that he would need to go get gas later. We get gas rewards of 25 cents off per gallon if we bring a certain store receipt. I glanced over my shoulder and said, "that receipt was on the bar, but I'm not sure where it is no." He replied, "you probably threw it away."
I whipped around and nearly yelled, "I did NOT throw it away, I was the one SAVING it for YOU. WHY do you talk to me like that ... like I'm stupid or careless?!" He said that he was just saying what crossed his mind and I told him, "you always do that, you immediately find a way to blame me and you say I threw something away, when I never throw your stuff away without asking you, so KNOCK IT OFF!"
Um .. that was probably an over-reaction and its one I've had before. Now, in all fairness, he does say things like that to me, but he also says things like that to everyone and its usually not malicious - its him being an Eeyore and deciding (or preparing) for the worst outcome. But in my online writing on the program, feeling that others see me as "defective" is one of my triggers. Without quesadillas and comfort food, it is all bubbling to the surface.
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us
are looking at the stars"
Wow, there is a lot in this chapter. I didn't relate to overeating or not eating to spite my family or others, but I may have to think on it more.
This hit home, "if you expect your dear ones to love & accept you as you are, you must do the same for yourself... Do you believe your body is fine as it is?" Ummm no. As for how people may treat you when you get thin, I have experience with this. I had gastric bypass back when it was "experimental surgery", almost 30 years ago. I dropped weight like crazy, but particularly for the first 6 months. I was only 18 years old and fresh from all the high school rejection by boys. With the weight loss, suddenly I was noticed. Cute guys flirted with me, more women talked to me, everyone made a huge fuss over the weight loss. It really messed up my head. At first it was flattering, but then I got angry... VERY angry ... especially at men. How dare they treat me differently. I was the same person! I've come to terms with it over time, but the chapter really helped me reframe it. This is what I see now:
Before surgery I tried to blend into the wallpaper, to keep from being teased. After I started to lose weight, I held my head up, I smiled, I dressed up. Of course people noticed because people always notice confident & happy people, whether they are thin or not! Also, whenever anyone I know makes a radical change - different hair colour, grows a few inches taller, drops or gains weight .. I notice .. and (cringe) I mention it. So, I dropped 60 lbs in 2 months. How could people NOT notice?
Secondly, the story of Diane who still seethed at her mother's criticism of her weight, ad he sense that she had been deprived of affection because of that. My parents, and mom in particular, seemed always focused on my weight. I was fat by the time I hit kindergarten. I always got great grades, was a relatively compliant kid with a good heart. But, it felt to me like like was a huge statement, "but she HAS such a cute face," meaning the rest of me was not so much attractive. The chapter made me consider that every parent wants the best for their child. If my child got straight A's and was incredible at something, music maybe, "BUT" he/she had something that I felt would hold them back that could be fixed .. they picked their nose, had a correctable speech impediment or the like, I bet I would focus on it too. The fact they harped on my weight doesn't mean they didn't know I had other great talents, just that they were worried about this one thing that could (and has) held me back. I feel like I can consider this with an adult mind, instead of that angry and deprived 6 year old mind that I suspect has been beating me up.
Edited by: LADYIRIS313 at: 5/26/2009 (18:57)
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us
are looking at the stars"
I'm in the same boat. I want to have great cardio-vascular health and get off the merry-go-around of dieting.
If I get attention from men I don't like / or do like - then I want to learn how to handle it assertively, not through food.
If I still don't get attention from men when I'm skinny, maybe it's b/c I'm ... unavailable, mean, cold, control freak.. whatever. I want to know the real reason and not use weight as an excuse.
It's definitely time.
Once again, you have hit on some great points here, Femmebella. I relate so much to the struggle over being thinner for men. I lamented over my eating for years, resisting eating well for health just because it pi%$&d me off so much to have to look thin. I ate myself up to almost 200 pounds and finally accepted that, although some heavy women do marry, the statistics show it's against the odds. So I buckled down and lost about 30 lbs. I feel better about my looks now than I did 20 years ago when I weighted 20 lbs. less! I've gotten better at "presenting" myself, too. I also feel better about myself for other reasons as well. I've still not found the right match, but I don't assume anymore that it's because of my body. Even if I were thinner, and more men were attracted to me, it wouldn't mean we were right for each other. In the meantime, I want to get my food habits in even better control because I want to see what it would be like to live in my "normal" BMI range, whether it gets me a man or not!
“To seek happiness, identifying the Self with the body, is like trying to cross a river on the back of a crocodile." Ramana Maharshi
*The No S Diet saved me from my emotional eating defeats. Six years and counting! nosdiet.com/ *Be happy with this moment. This moment is your life.
*Get to the next meal hungry!
My parents did not restrict my food like the others here. I rebelled against the other girls at school and at society. There's so much pressure to be a "thin girl", "slender girl", "pretty girl".
My self-doubts were like, if I can't be as pretty as those girls on magazine covers, then I'm not going to give THEM any satisfaction whatsoever. I'm going to eat whatever I want.
Even at 35, sometimes I feel this way. I want to tell Hollywood and Vogue to stick it! And I do so with my body. That is childish.
I can be as much of a feminist and social critic without being overweight, unhealthy, and.. truthfully unhappy with my body.
Since I am still dating, I definitely feel like guys should like me overweight before I give them the 'gift' of me thin.
This is unfair, especially since I do not like overweight guys. Truth is, I do not want to have sex with these guys. I do not feel sexually attracted to them. That is the truth. So why should I feel so angry when guys feel the same way about my body?
This way of rebellion is very common among women. I've heard a lot of women say exactly what Gould says. Hours of b*tching about men being dogs b/c they don't want their bodies overweight. I've also heard women talk about gaining weight to punish their husbands, boyfriends.
Of course all of this is irrational. Why use our bodies as battlegrounds? It is very adolescent. I guess, easier, than being assertive and looking at our own self-doubts.
This chapter really spoke to me (as they all do!). It really opened my eyes. I now see where I overate because my dad didn't want me to. It was a silent rebellion. I was never one talk back or act out. But I knew my dad did not want me to be overweight like my mom. So I over ate and became heavier and heavier, just to spite him. I know realize the only one I ever hurt was myself.
This chapter opened my eyes to my own children. They are 6 and 3 and not overweight, but If they started gaining weight I know I would have a hard time with it. Being overweight as a child I don't want my kids to go through that. I know realize I have to be very careful about how I handle that, should that problem arrive. I have had some problems with my son (the 6 year old) he wants to eat a lot of junk food, and I want him to eat healthier. We have had a lot of arguments about what he eats and now I realize I could cause him to eat out of rebellion. Lots to think about!!!
Co-leader: Sharing Healthy Recipes teams.sparkpeople.com/sharinghealthy
Leader: Parents of kids with Craniofacial conditions
"You aren't an accident. You weren't mass-produced. You weren't an assembly line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on this earth by the Master Craftsman" ~Max Lucado
This layer is where my biggest struggle lies.
I have been very rebellious with my eating, and in fact, it's this rebelliousness that started off my binge eating when I was 13 and my father began to pester me about my weight (and I was NOT overweight back then, I believe now that my Dad was seeing that I was blossoming into a woman and he just didn't know how to handle it, so he tried to control my food)and because I was so angry and sad and feeling so dejected, I started sneaking candy bars to eat every night when I knew my father was asleep. I wasn't going to let ANYONE tell me what to eat and when to eat. As an adult, that mentality never changed. I need to deal with the truth of the matter, that my rebellion has only spited myself, hasn't proven any such independence, and I need to do better now.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Cor. 5:17
Please use this thread to discuss Chapter 7 of Shrink Yourself
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