Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
JBEAUFORD's Photo JBEAUFORD Posts: 342
12/13/12 7:27 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
We've tried counselling. It had zero effect. He does not have ADD or ADHD. He doesn't exhibit any signs of these when he's doing anything he considers "fun". He picks and chooses when he will behave this way. Some days he can be done with all his work in 2 or 3 hours and other days it takes 15 or more.

He is having a neurological consult next week but not for this. He's got some physical issues and its a pre-surgery one to see if he possibly has a mild form of CP.

He's been a little better lately but not much.



 Pounds lost: 9.3 
 
0
15.25
30.5
45.75
61
FLYINGTOFREEDOM's Photo FLYINGTOFREEDOM SparkPoints: (73,282)
Fitness Minutes: (72,331)
Posts: 10,589
12/11/12 4:00 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
glad things worked out for you.

1 bite at a time = 1 choice at a time.
Choice is in our power; take the power and run.

Co-Leader of "Emotional Eaters"

Nothing is forever why not live for today and make it the best day ever.

I am my best friend.


 current weight: 202.5 
 
247
230.25
213.5
196.75
180
1FEISTYMAMA's Photo 1FEISTYMAMA SparkPoints: (37,293)
Fitness Minutes: (50,500)
Posts: 1,188
12/11/12 3:47 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Hi Ladies,

I would suggest, for both of you, that you consider seeing a child therapist, and sooner rather than later. Last year, our then 8 year old was doing things that I thought were defiant. He lied often and told me what I wanted to hear. He wasn't capable of completing independant work - EVER. I used to get so frustrated with him. Then, his teacher suggested we have him tested for ADD. I am so against labeling kids with such things. I thought he just needed more self-discipline. But, to play devil's advocate, I had him tested. Only, I refused to let the school do the testing. Instead, I went to an independent 3rd party. Someone covered by our insurance.

Come to find out our son does, in fact, have ADD. He also has a learning disorder called Auditory Processing Disorder. I can explain things to him all day long, but he has difficulty processing it and putting it back on paper. He, too, would stare at the wall for hours at a time rather than complete his work.

Through therapy, we also learned that he knows he isn't performing as we expect and because of it, he has low self-esteem and anxiety. He gets frustrated because he can't make us happy and he lashes out. So, the therapist gave us some things to help him at home, but through his 1:1 conversations with our son, we noticed he started speaking up more and behaving better. The therapist was clearly giving our child something we could not ---- I'm not exactly sure what that was because it was confidential between the two of them ---- but we'd have hour-long sessions with the therapist, first we'd have 20 minutes of family therapy and then 40 minutes of 1:1 (child with therapist) and the end result was miraculous. Oh, he's no angel but he and I both learned things and together we are so much happier and more productive now.

Our child is 9 now and medicated for his ADD, but only during school hours. The medication really does help him focus long enough to complete his work. At home, we encourage him to speak. At the dinner table, everyone is asked to talk about their day and they are given several minutes to talk about whatever they choose. We now have a behavior chart with all of their tasks, morning chores, schoolwork, evening chores. They earn their allowance and their video time based on how they perform during the day/week. I have a list of chores I want done every week and a list of things that need to be done monthly. They are to complete 3 weekly chores and 2 monthly chores every week. I let them choose the chores they want to do. This gives them some control over their lives - they choose the chores and if they don't earn their video time, that's on them.....not on me....I didn't ground them....they just neglected to earn it. One of the items on the list is respecting the family and the therapist really stressed this to our son, and to me. Respect needs to be full-circle. We are careful in how we speak to him and he is careful in how he speaks to us. The brothers are also supposed to be respectful to one another.

Our boys are in public school and our middle son sees a Special Ed teacher for 45 minutes out of each school day. She works in small groups with kids who also struggle in the same areas. He also sees a speech therapist once a week.

All of these tools together has really helped turn him around. He is no longer defiant, he has better self-esteem but now I can recognize he needs lots of reassurances because that self-esteem is somewhat fragile. He is a tactile learner and math is much easier for him than writing so I try to turn language arts assignments into tactile ones. I create cross-word puzzles, matching games, word scrambles and word finds for his vocab and spelling words. We write silly sentences that use these words. He's in 3rd grade (he repeated Kindergarten due to being very immature for his age) so many of his assignments are still fairly small but together, we're learning the tools that will help him succeed when he gets older.

I thought therapists were over-rated until we had one. Now I HIGHLY encourage folks to seek their help. It is so very worth it!!



 November Minutes: 806
 
0
625
1250
1875
2500
JBEAUFORD's Photo JBEAUFORD Posts: 342
11/16/12 8:45 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
So yesterday he didn't finish his school work until 7PM...I made him write a 3 page essay on why it isn't a good idea to lie to his parents....which took him 4 hours and he basically wrote the same 3 sentences over and over until he filled 3 pages...hubby laid into him when we got home like nobody's business, and proceeded to take the rest of the kids to play PS3 while he sat in his room and heard them having a good time. He also informed him that he wasn't going to tolerate him trying to cause trouble between us because he was done fighting his battles for him.

This all started because everytime I looked over at him while I was making dinner he was just sitting there, not writing, and when hubby asked why he was still sitting there I said "because he's been staring at that same page for over an hour" and he cried that I was lying that he hadn't been "staring at the page for over an hour, he had actually written something"....semantics, which is his favorite game to play...*sigh*



 Pounds lost: 9.3 
 
0
15.25
30.5
45.75
61
WILDFLOWER521's Photo WILDFLOWER521 Posts: 827
11/15/12 11:48 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I do believe you've hit the proverbial nail on the head!

Thank you for the good luck and hopefully one day the dust will settle.

Eastern time zone
Michelle


 current weight: 170.6 
 
189
184.4
179.8
175.2
170.6
FLYINGTOFREEDOM's Photo FLYINGTOFREEDOM SparkPoints: (73,282)
Fitness Minutes: (72,331)
Posts: 10,589
11/15/12 11:08 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
my 10 year old acts the same way sometimes especially the more she gets, the more selfish she acts. It is almost like it is never good enough no matter how much she gets.
it seems like they are acting like victims. almost like they feel entitled to everything and then some. since they have had hard childhoods at some point, they feel like now you guys have to pay for it. like you are expected to make up for that. it is almost like since they can't punish their biological mothers, they must punish you. 10 and 11 are tough ages. they are torn between wanting to grow up, but at the same time regressing into being younger because they are scared to grow up. I dont' know what the answer is, but it almost seems like somehow they have to understand that punishing you is not the answer. it is okay for them to be angry and sad and mad at their "mothers" but not okay to take it out on you.
good luck, i hope you find the answers that work for your family.

1 bite at a time = 1 choice at a time.
Choice is in our power; take the power and run.

Co-Leader of "Emotional Eaters"

Nothing is forever why not live for today and make it the best day ever.

I am my best friend.


 current weight: 202.5 
 
247
230.25
213.5
196.75
180
JBEAUFORD's Photo JBEAUFORD Posts: 342
11/15/12 11:01 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
good grief do we have clones living in our homes? They do sound exactly alike.

This is the only thing really that causes stress between hubby and I because he still does all of this but on a much smaller scale to his dad than to me...but man oh man does he get punished when daddy comes home or calls in the middle of the day and I tell him what has been going on.

He didn't believe me on the screaming temper tantrums that would ensue sometimes when I would punish him so I video taped him screaming at me for about 5 minutes of what was a more than hour long meltdown. Once he saw what was taking place when he wasn't here the game changed. He makes him get down and do military style exercises, or stand at attention for very long periods of time, etc. as punishment for the disrespect.

We also have the days long schoolwork. My other kids will be done with school usually by 1 or 2 at the latest. J recently spent 19 hours to do what should have been about 3 hours worth of work. He is way behind the others in lessons because he just takes forever. I've got him on a mostly independent work curriculum now so he doesn't drag the others with him, and they'll be in the living room watching a movie or whatever and he chooses to stare at the walls.

I've never wanted to beat my head against a wall in frustration as much as I do with him...and yet at the same time he's a very sweet and loveable kid when he wants to be.




 Pounds lost: 9.3 
 
0
15.25
30.5
45.75
61
WILDFLOWER521's Photo WILDFLOWER521 Posts: 827
11/15/12 10:52 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
When I started reading your post, I thought it was something that I had written. Except for slightly different background my oldest (11) which is actually my nephew does the exact same things right down to the lying about the dogs food and water.

I homeschool him as well and it is a daily struggle. He turns 2-3 hour lessons (with a 10 minute break every 45 min.) into an all day thing. Knowing that it's just going to frustrate me because we have other things we need to get done. He also blames everything on the younger kids (4 & 2) even though he knows that I know the kids can't get into the upper cabinets and mess with things.

He blames both myself and my husband for everything that he has had to deal with and loves to torture me. Be it looking at me like I'm stupid, misbehaving, flat out lying to my face throughout the day. He lies about taking showers and brushing his teeth and teaches my younger kids to misbehave and not listen to me.

My M-I-L says he does it to get any kind of attention, be it negative or positive. He gets to do more things then even I do. My husband's brother bought him a yearly pass to Disney and my husband takes him fishing at least twice a week. Neither one of the little kids has gotten to do any of that yet. He gets more attention then all of us combined and feels like we owe it to him and that he is just supposed to get whatever he wants.

I constantly tell him that I love him no matter what and that he is a member of our family just like everyone else. I also reiterate that it would be easier on everyone if he would just act like he was 11 and not like the adult over all of us. I'm interested in seeing what kind of suggestions people will post for you, hopefully they will help me too. I'm sorry that this is extremely lengthy, I just know exactly how frustrated you feel.

Eastern time zone
Michelle


 current weight: 170.6 
 
189
184.4
179.8
175.2
170.6
JBEAUFORD's Photo JBEAUFORD Posts: 342
11/15/12 10:48 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
We've had so many of the talks and one on one time. Like i said he says what he thinks we want to hear, so I can't seem to get it out of him what the real issue is. I'm sure there's some issues with feeling abandoned by his mother, and I understand that, but I've explained to him over and over again that it isn't his fault, and he sees that she didn't just abandon him, but she had 2 more kids after he was already with us, and she abandoned them too. We explained to him that the problem was with her not him.

We take turns doing one on one things with the kids. Whenever we run errands, they take turns going with me etc. Logisitics don't really allow for "date time" etc with the kids because of schedules and one car, but we do spend one on one time with each. He also gets special treatment because his grandparents drive here to see him every couple of months and take him for the weekend, and they spoil him like crazy, buying him tons of toys and crap...a story for another day...like they're trying to make up for their daughter's behavior in material things, so he also has way way way more than all the other kids in that aspect.

This hasn't just cropped up, its been steadily increasing over the last couple of years. Our pastor has spoken with him, my mom has spoken with him, we've tried everything we can think of. It's the only thing that usually ruins an otherwise fun and productive day.




 Pounds lost: 9.3 
 
0
15.25
30.5
45.75
61
FLYINGTOFREEDOM's Photo FLYINGTOFREEDOM SparkPoints: (73,282)
Fitness Minutes: (72,331)
Posts: 10,589
11/15/12 10:30 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
sounds very frustrating for you especially since you have other younger children that are very impressionable. have you tried just talking to him? Not while you are angry or when he is being punished, but just a heart to heart one on one talk? Maybe there are things going on inside of him that he can't express. Maybe his disobedience is a call for some attention. Maybe he thinks that if he is getting bad attention, it is better than none. Not that I"m saying you are not giving him attention. I have three children, 2, 4 and 10. My 10 year old sometimes acts out because she sees the little ones getting more attention from me because they have more needs. Sometimes she gets jealous and acts up. She will throw fits or talk back. I talked to her about it one night and she told me flat out she wanted some mommy and her time.

Have you tried just having some moments with just him and you? or his dad and him without the other children? Being 10, it is hard. There are many changes and emotions swirling around. My daughter and I take some nights to watch tv together and then we have small talks. This is when I use the time to talk about what she will encounter in a few years. Sometimes the show we are watching brings up conversations and questions that she has. I am very honest with her and give her the facts.
In any event, maybe he is calling out for some one on one time. if the punishment thing isn't working, there is something else going on.


1 bite at a time = 1 choice at a time.
Choice is in our power; take the power and run.

Co-Leader of "Emotional Eaters"

Nothing is forever why not live for today and make it the best day ever.

I am my best friend.


 current weight: 202.5 
 
247
230.25
213.5
196.75
180
JBEAUFORD's Photo JBEAUFORD Posts: 342
11/15/12 10:21 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
ok so background, I have 4 kids and I homeschool. My youngest 3 are boys ages 4, 8, and 10. My 10 yr old is my step son. I've had him in my care full time since just after his 4th birthday, and his mother is not in the picture...at all. I'm the only mom he has and has known.

Now, given that, he is extremely bright and extremely emotionally immature. I attribute alot of that to the turmoil he went through as a toddler. My husband, his father was a stay at home dad with J until he was 2, at which time he was deployed to Afghanistan. J's mother (the ex wife) abandoned the marriage and J during that deployment, dropping him off at his grandparents and never returning to get him. Hubby spent 2 years fighting to get him back from the grandparents when he returned and finally won sole custody.

As J has gotten older, he has become more and more disobedient. We do daily lessons on respect and obedience. He knows all the right things to do and say, because if you ask him he will tell you...yet he will flat out lie to my face when confronted. For example, one of his chores is to feed the dogs daily. When I went to put the new bag of dog food where it is stored, I found the container we store food in completely open, dog food all over the floor/ground, the door left open (this is outside in one of the storage bldgs and we live in the country so thats a big no-no). When I confronted him about it he tells me that he closed it properly and there was no food on the ground...as I'm staring at it wide open and messy...and nobody has been outside since he was. When I ask him again why it is left like that, I'm lying because thats not how it was left...anytime he is confronted with something he did or didn't do, he always claims that he's perfect. This happens MULTIPLE times daily.

Each of my kids have a chore chart, and a calendar that lays out to a T all of their daily tasks. They have set days for showers, they have a list for morning/bed tasks (brush teeth, make bed, etc) They don't have to wonder about any of it because I lay it out for them in great detail, yet he just wont follow it and lie that he did....and he knows that punishment for lying is much greater than if he just owned up to it. The worst part is that his behavior is starting to play out in my youngest who imitates him.

I don't know what else to do. He's spending about 80% of the time grounded which causes more stress on me than not, and literally cries like a toddler when he gets punished. I've tried sentences, extra chores, grounding, exercises, essays, you name it. I've even stripped his room down to a pillow and blanket and nothing is working. We've even shown him what happens to people who disobey the rules by showing him prisons and jail cells, etc.


What do you do with a child who refuses to behave, especially when they KNOW better. If it was different mistakes I'd take that in stride, but he'll do the same things over and over daily, sometimes even hourly. I can punish him for something and see 30 minutes later he's doing it again.



 Pounds lost: 9.3 
 
0
15.25
30.5
45.75
61
Page: 1 of (1)  

Report Innappropriate Post

Other Parents of school-age children (ages 6 to 11) Struggles/ Problems in dealing with children Posts

Topics: Last Post:
Getting Things Done 8/27/2013 6:43:05 AM
I'm having a power struggle with my kindergartener 2/3/2014 7:20:50 AM
anyone with kids in gifted and talented program? 10/9/2013 7:51:17 PM
How can I help my daughter? 1/5/2014 6:06:24 PM
anyone have elementary kids who wrestle? 1/12/2014 8:56:29 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=6098x22489x50837440

Review our Community Guidelines